The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Kit-Ginevra]

Dear Miss School,

We have not rented out VHS tapes since 1995.The amount paid was not just to rewind it,but to prise open the box,sort out the ungodly knot which you had managed to get the tape into, straighten out the chewed-up bits and as a small payment towards the fines,which now approximate to the size of the national debt of Zaire,not mentioning the time and effort our staff had to put into this task.
Yours sincerely,
Mr.B.Tamax
The DVD Dungeon(formerly the Video Vault)


The Manager
Pep'n'Perk Sports Stores

Dear Sir,
I thought the behaviour of your staff was quite unfair this morning.The girl on the tills had on a lovely sweater.I was only reaching over to show her how well it fitted around her chest and she went to whack me with a miniature hockey stick.That's not very nice is it-I was only paying her a compliment.If people can't accept other people saying nice things about them,they shouldn't work with customers.
I know she was being deliberately mean to be because when the next lad through did the same thing,she just giggled and laughed.And I know she's not got a boyfriend,so it can't have been him.Your staff should treat all their customers the same. I expect a full tour of the shop next time I am in,with some free things thrown in for the insult.And to make up for being so mean,she can model them for them.Or else I shall show her she's not the only one who can whack with a hockey stick.And mine's a lot bigger.And I whack harder.

Yours sincerely,
Mr F. Ondler.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Ondler,

What you tried to do was sexual assault. You have done this in our store before. We warned you that if you did it again, we would ban you from our store. "That lad" that went through after you was her husband. Yes, they admitted to making fun of you, but you deserved that.

If we see you again in our store, we will call police. You better hope the police get a hold of you before Bruno does. He's our hockey expert. He also set the record for the most penalty minutes in one season when he went to college.

Sincerely,

Joe Young, Play Hard Sports

-----

Dear Advertiser,

How dare you sponsor "El Goonish Shive?" That sick and depraved comic features teen-aged boys turn into girls and girls turn into boys. In fact, two of those boys turn into girls quite often. Also, that thing features two lesbians and a homosexual boy. Also, many of them engage in sorcery. That guy is a terrible influence on our impressionable youth. In fact, in the most recent story line, a girl catches a boy change into a girl. Instead of recoiling in horror like a normal girl, this girl acts all giddy and happy. It's obvious this "cartoonist" is really sick. How dare he put ds and fs in such a possitive light?

I demand that you pull your advertising from this sick display of depravity. If you don't, we will call for a boycott of your product.

Sincerely,

Million Mom March

(Keep in mind that the Million Mom March is a homophobic organization of 40,000 women.)
El Goonish Shive
First Strip
Hiveworks Comics
Warning: Some of the comics on Hiveworks are NSFW.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. March,

Boycott all you want. We're not pulling our product since we have lots of fans.

Sincerely,
Advertiser



Dear Concert Center,

I was recently at one of your concerts since a friend recommended that I go. However, I was offended that the performers played only music with no singing whatsoever. I demand you put singing in all of the concerts from now on. If you don't, I will run onto the stage wearing nothing and run back and forth across the stage while singing.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Vocalsinger

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Vocalsinger,

We're sorry you didn't enjoy our concert, "An Evening with Beethoven." We felt that a singer would be unnecessary since there are no known compositions with lyrics. If you jump on stage, we will have no other choice than to have you removed from our campus.

Sincerely,

Hayden Soliere, Dean, Conliard University School of Music

-----

Dear Nautilus Can and Bottle Company,

How could you sell such a dangerous product? I went out to my shed to check how much gasoline was in the gas can. I lit a match, and it blew up in my face. Despite the best effort of the local fire department, my shed burned to the ground. I was sent to the hospital for burns. None of this would have happened if you made a safer product.

I demand that you pay my hospital bill, the cost of replacing my shed, and the bill from the fire department. Just consider yourselves lucky that I didn't keep it in my house.

Sincerely,

Bubba Fugue

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mr. Fugue:

You could have just used a flashlight. It's much safer, and everyone else does that.

So no, you will not be compensated for your stupidity.

Sincerely,

Mr. Flame
Nautilus Camping Inc.

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Dear Mr. Wonka:

Why did you only release 5 Golden Tickets? And why did they all go to a big fat glutton, a spoiled brat, an arrogant gum chewer, a lazy couch potato and worst of all, a POOR kid? POOR people shouldn't have anything!

I demand that these children forfeit their tickets and give them to my five precious snowflakes, or I will storm into your factory and tear it down brick by brick with my own hands!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Entitled

[Kit-Ginevra]

Dear Mrs.Entitled
Have you considered WHY I released them to these particular children?
A child who will do anything for food
A child who will do anything for presents
A child who will do anything for gum
A child who will do anything for TV
A child who will do anything for money.
And why did I release 5 tickets-because more than 4 unfortunate accidents and things start looking suspicious...
If your children wish to come to visit,they are very welcome.I shall put them to work in the fruit wallpaper department,licking each other's snozzleberries,or supporting their Oompa-Loompas,depending on gender.

Yours awaiting intently,

WILLY Wonka.
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The Manager
Golden Clam Restaurant

Dear Sir,We always come to your restaurant as you have the hottest waitresses around.Tonight our table was served by a man.You can imagine my disappointment.I expect a girl to be at my table-and a hot one.If I do not have first dibs on the waitress of my choice-and the choice of desserts to be eaten with her-after,I shall seize your server and make him appear female.I have the dress.I have the razor.
Yours sincerely,
Mr.Per Vertileerer

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Vertileerer,

We do not discriminate against men. We hire both men and women no matter what they look like. If you try to shave any of our waiters, you better hope Van, our master chef, isn't working at that time. He once used his personal knife collection to slice and dice a mugger. He is a proud owner of very big, very sharp knives. You should consider yourself lucky that Van isn't a very fast runner.

Sincerely,

Steve Li, Golden Clam Restaurant

-----

Dear YouTube,

How could you let the police watch my video? On my video, I bragged about stealing a car and using it to rob a bank. I even showed the key and the money. A couple of days later, the police break down my door and arrest me, muttering something about "Warrant" and my "ex-husband and his mother." I don't know where they got the idea that I liked Warrant. I like Green Day, not Warrant. Now that I have been convicted of bank robbery and car theft, I would be lucky to get out of prison by the time my baby graduates high school. It's all your fault YouTube.

I demand that you give me $1 million so I can pay off my student loan.

Sincerely,

Hannah Sabata

[Cracked, Digital Trends]

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Sabata,

Posting a video admitting to your crime was not very bright for you. Also, you will not be getting a million dollars from anyone.

Sincerely,

YouTube Staff Manager



Dear Mall Manager,

Where does your security get off not letting me call my mom? All I did was stuff items in my purse and I needed my mom to get me out of this mess. I demand a $2,000 gift card as an apology for not being allowed to call my mom. If you don't do what I want, I will come to your mall wearing a bikini, go to the food court, and dance on one of your tables.

Sincerely,

Ineed Mymom

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Mymom,

I'm sure the police called your mother when they hauled you off to jail. Our security knows who you are, and a teen aged boy in bikini briefs would tend to stick out. Of course, it would look like you were using your underwear to smuggle a Vienna sausage. You are banned from our mall. If you show up, we will have you arrested again. I'm quite sure that the police will call your mother, again.

Sincerely,

Friday Webb, Head of Mall Security

-----

Dear Stoner's Pot Palace,

I was trying to get to your store early yesterday morning when I encountered a woman coming out of a building with a dog on a leash. At least I hope it was on a leash. I confronted her about letting me buy some marijuana. She said something about an "animal clinic" and "closed." I think your product is a little strong. She also said there was a rumor about marijuana users leaving things unfinished. That's ridiculous. She's funny.

Do you know of a good place to get a burger at 4 am?

Sincerely,

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mr. No-name:

We are not a marijuana store, nor do we sell anything related to marijuana. That could be against the law.

What we ARE is a veterinary clinic. A clinic for animals, as the woman said. And as for the rumour, well, that's just a rumour.

And no, you can't get a burger at 4am, but you can get a coffee and a doughnut at that time. Be careful, as our doughnut places are VERY popular with the local police.

Sincerely,

Dr. BigSleep
BigSleep Animal Clinic

----------------------------------

Dear City of Toronto:

What's the deal with closing our entire Chinatown Centre food court? So what if some of our vendors had a few rats running around here and there? Only a few stalls should have been closed; not the entire food court!

We demand that you rip off that red "Closed" sign and replace it with a green "Pass" sign immediately, or you will face legal action!

Sincerely,

Mr. and Mrs. Never-Wong
Owners
Chinatown Centre

[catcul]

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Never-Wong,

Our inspector found rats, mice, and cockroaches in every single stall in your food court. All are well known carriers of food-borne diseases. We inspect restaurants because most would engage in dangerous food handling practices. We're trying to prevent food-borne illness like that outbreak of listeriosis outbreak we had here 6 years ago. We will not allow you to reopen your restaurants until you have it all cleaned up.

You want to sue us? You don't have a leg to stand on.

Sincerely,

Ted Cleener

-----

Dear Big Hill Animal Shelter,

Who do you think you are? Do you really think that you can hide? I know you are hiding a purple cat back there. I confronted the workers in the front about your purple cat. They said the only colors you had were white, black, orange and combination of those colors. I know they're lying.

I will find evidence of that purple cat. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mr. Noid:

We have no cats with naturally-occurring purple fur. You must have been talking about the cat that had bruises so prominent that they showed through her normally white fur. Or the cat that was spray-painted purple by heartless teenagers wanting to make their "mark" on the city.

You're welcome to both of them, that is, if you can carve out the time you spend on conspiracy theories to actually care for them.

Sincerely,

Jane Hill
Owner
Big Hill Animal Shelter

--------------------------------

Dear Apple:

Why the heck would someone pay $1000 for a Macintosh? That's VERY expensive! Why would someone pay that much money for just one apple? Last time I heard, apples were only $1/pound!

When I gave my grandson my credit card so he could get me some Macintosh apples, I expected him to go get me a pound of the kind that you eat, not spend $10000 on these heavy silvery metal-like boxes that I can't even chop up! And believe me, I've tried. I've even tried biting into them, but my false teeth broke after one chomp.

I demand my money back, and a new set of dentures!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Ignorant

[catcul]

Dear "Mrs. Ignorant,"

Do you take us for fools? Why would anyone be dumb enough to try to bite into a computer? We saw what happened to your computer. It looks like the New York Yankees were using it for batting practice. A knife couldn't have done that much damage. Also, you claimed that your "grandson" spent $1,000 then you claimed he spent $10,000.

We sent a couple of friends in blue uniforms to have a word with you.

Sincerely,

Anita Vacation, Loss Prevention, Apple Store

-----

Dear Friday & Gannon Travel Agency,

You sent my girlfriend, S. P. Oiledbrat, and me fliers saying that we won a trip to Hawaii. All we had to do was to come to your office to claim our prizes. That's good because it's been cold lately. We went expecting to be taken to Hawaii. Instead, we both get taken to jail. The agents claimed they were police. My girlfriend was arrested for destruction of property at a craft store. I was arrested for a terroristic act at Playing 'til It Hurts Sports. I demand that you make the police release us and send us to Hawaii.

you all!

Bob Bastic-Blaster

PS: You can tell Rose and Kaori they both can my .

[Craft Store, Sports Store, Rose and Kaori]

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mr. Bastic-Blaster:

The travel agency is next door to our police office, and no, we won't release you or your girlfriend, until you have spoken to your lawyers. And definitely not anywhere in Hawaii; they have been warned.

Sincerely,

Officer Pat Thompson
Los Angeles Police Department

------------------------------

Dear Mr. Incredible:

I was going through a rough time with my company and family. I was fired for embezzling money from the First National Bank where I used to work. My wife filed for divorce because she caught me cheating on her with another woman. Finally, she had the gall to obtain custody of my children because I "was too harsh" on them, whipping them with cat-o-nine tails for "frivolous" things like being 1 minute late coming home.

I wasn't "too harsh!" I was lenient! My spoiled brats deserved the whippings that they got! But I digress.

I was at my wits end, about to end it all, when all of a sudden, YOU come out of nowhere, grab me, and crash through the window! As a result of your "saving" me, I got broken bones, bruised ribs and whatnot!

Mr. Incredible, you may have wanted to save me, but I DID NOT WANT to be SAVED! You didn't save my life, you RUINED MY DEATH!

I am taking legal action against you. I also demand that the next time you see me in danger, you LEAVE ME ALONE!

Sincerely,

Mr. I. Wanna-Die

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Wanna-Die,

Stealing from the bank you work in so you can buy a death ray, sleeping with your henchwoman when your wife secretly followed you, and whipping your children for refusing to rob a bank are all things that hardly make me sympathetic to you.

I saved your life so you could be sentenced to the only kind of prison you deserve, the Phantom Zone. Your family and other victims deserved the satisfaction of knowing that you were put where you belong. Besides, Satan didn't want you.

You ruined your life, and everyone else's, so now you can stay in the Phantom Zone. Forever.

Signed, Mr. Incredible.

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Dear Attorney General Klubb,

I demand that you drop all charges against me and spring me from prison at once! All I did was use my digital camera to record Mrs. Rene Spadde's information when she used her husband, Mr. Roy Spadde's credit card to pay for her new black suit.

Well, if she wants to be so open with her husband's credit card and secret information, I don't see why I couldn't use it too. She was practically asking for it! So I go shopping and spend a billion dollars on myself.

A week later, this rude policewoman named Jackie Diamond, and a big, burley male detective named Ace Hart burst down my door, cuff me, and drag me away. She has the nerve to call me an identity thief. How dare she?

Why, if you don't let me out, I'll start shopping with your credit card information and force you into bankruptcy! I took a peek at your information when you weren't looking. Now that I've laid all my cards on the table, except for the ace up my sleeve, I'm betting you'll gladly make a winning deal for both of us. I await your play, and I'm not afraid to up the ante.

Angrily yours,

Mr. Joker Wildcard.