relationship question

[Dentarthurdent]

So I feel kind of stupid posting something I'd normally just ask my mother, but she doesn't know I'm dating this guy and I don't really want her to know. For the time being she thinks we're friends. She also thinks I'm friends with my other boyfriend (I'm poly).

Background: I met him at a convention about 4 years ago. We have been acquaintances since then, but at this year's convention we hung out a lot more and ended up cuddling toward the end of it. He's come to visit me a couple of times since then (he lives across the state). I'm moving across the country shortly.

This is the question: He never initiates a conversation anymore (he did once or twice immediately after the convention). I feel like I'm not interesting enough to talk to or something, I don't know. Am I being too demanding or being unrealistic? I mean, I've come to expect this from the other bf. But...eh. What do you guys think? I don't think I'm the one doing something wrong...am I?

ETA: By initiating a conversation, I mean calling me, texting me, or talking to me on Facebook or an IM program.

[Jester]

You may be confusing him not being interested with you not being interesting. The two are not tied to each other. I have had many women be very not interested in me. I challenge anyone to say I am not interesting.

Oh, don't get me wrong...there ARE many people who think I am uninteresting, or who don't like me. But I dare say, they are in the minority. Doesn't make them wrong...that is their opinion.

But my point is that their opinion and that of most people do not necessarily coincide. And that may be the case here. This New Guy may simply not be interested in you, or by you, and so doesn't reach out to you, except in response to your contacts to him. Doesn't mean you're not interesting.

Also, the other possibility is that he is just not the type to initiate things. It may have absolutely nothing to do with you at all.

Either way, do not let the actions of ONE GUY dictate your opinion of yourself. That is never, and never will be, healthy.

[HYHYBT]

Also, the other possibility is that he is just not the type to initiate things. It may have absolutely nothing to do with you at all.

Definitely something to consider. Not necessarily something to ignore; if you don't like that type... but then again, as someone who is like that myself, it can also be tied with an aversion to, and lack of skill for, looking for someone else once he has you.

[Dentarthurdent]

Quoth Jester

This New Guy may simply not be interested in you, or by you, and so doesn't reach out to you, except in response to your contacts to him. Doesn't mean you're not interesting.

I suppose it's possible, but when he's visited me, and when I visited him, we pretty much talked nonstop when we weren't watching movies or, erm, performing extracurricular activities.

Quoth Jester

Also, the other possibility is that he is just not the type to initiate things. It may have absolutely nothing to do with you at all.

I don't know, he's an introvert, so that kind of makes sense. It's also possible he hates texting, and I don't imagine he likes talking to me on the phone since half the time I'm going "what? can you repeat that?" because he has a really small and quiet voice. I think it might help if I were to get my own dedicated internet computer with AIM.

Quoth Jester

Either way, do not let the actions of ONE GUY dictate your opinion of yourself. That is never, and never will be, healthy.

Don't worry, I don't. I went down that road once and I never want to be that person again. When that particular asshole dumped me I was suicidal, and living near a popular place to commit suicide...but that's another story...

[Dentarthurdent]

Quoth HYHYBT

Definitely something to consider. Not necessarily something to ignore; if you don't like that type... but then again, as someone who is like that myself, it can also be tied with an aversion to, and lack of skill for, looking for someone else once he has you.

It doesn't particularly bother me if he doesn't like to initiate things; it's just going to be a long-distance thing soon, and I know how poorly those work in the first place (for most people), and such a relationship is all communication. He is also poly and I've made it clear that I don't mind him dating other people. I couldn't speak for his skill or lack thereof, but he himself doesn't think he's that skillful at talking to girls/flirting/etc.

[Ellain]

My hubby and I are poly as well, and what you describe here sounds very like his last attempt at a relationship. This may be a case of him not being interested in continuing the relationship, but it may just be that he has trouble communicating without being face to face. For my hubby, this got very frustrating, as he felt he was the only one putting anything into the relationship. He initiated all but one of their convos, planned all the dates, and many times it would take her up to a week to reply to a text, and then usually with a one word answer. Finally, he just gave up on the relationship. If you don't talk, you can't move forward, and as you're moving, it is likely that this will become a larger issue.

I wish you luck. I don't think it'll be easy.

[csquared]

When you are present, you are the focus of his attention. When you are not present, what is the focus of his attention?

Could be something as simple as "out of sight, out of mind." He is clueless when it comes to managing relationships.

Or (and this is where you let your mind run wild with all the bad things he could be doing).

In the end, to get an answer, you will have to ask him. You will also have to let him know that "this" is what you want.

[violiavampyr]

Yeah, my boyfriend is very much not long distance relationship friendly. His relationship with his previous girlfriend showed that. Out of sight out of mind. Granted there were other factors, not the least of which was his relationship with me and her intense desire to have kids (he already had three).
Or if it not something you're particularly invested in, don't worry about it.