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Meh. -.-
Hot Tips for America
SC: “Yeah, like, I have an idea that might help the US economy. Like what if you had like a new dollar coin that was like 100% silver? With an eagle on one side and a crow on the other. Then you could like-“
Me: “Why a crow?”
SC: “Huh?”
Me: “Why have a crow on it? I can understand eagle for the United States. But why a crow?”
SC: “….uh….well…um, well you see them in the sky all the time in Vancouver and it’s like, kind of magical in the Vancouver sky.”
Me: “Yes, but that’s Vancouver. We’re talking about America. So why a crow?”
SC: “um…well they’re like….in the Vancouver sky and it’s kind of magical. Haven’t you ever thought that?”
Me: “Not really, no. Besides, we're talking about the US here. Not about Vancouver. So why have a crow on it for the US?”
SC: “Well, uh….there’s crows like all down there in some places.”
Me: “Yes, but you’re talking about them in the Vancouver sky-“
SC: “Well, er, um......uh, well that’s my idea, bye! <click>”
Victory!
With No Apologies to Chicago
Ok, I’m really trying to piece together what just happened. As far as I can figure out you called a random <nation wide real estate company that has hundreds of offices> office ( You don’t know which one ), spoke with someone named “Gwen” and she hung up on you 6 times because she thought you were a rude, abusive asshole. Now you want to complain to the <company> head office. But you can’t figure out which office is the head office, so you just called directory assistance, asked for the number of a random <company> office and decided to call it ( at 3am no less ) to bitch, piss, moan and rant about how butt hurt you are about Gwen from <Company> Unidentified because she won’t talk to you anymore? Ok, I think I have the general gist of it.
You also managed to work yourself up into a complete indignant forth completely by yourself too. The only words I got in edgewise were “Pardon?”, “Who are you trying to reach?” and “Gwen?”. You also ranted something about how you own two businesses and you’re a Chicago Blackhawk and how no one should DARE speak to you that way EVER because you are so fantastically important that even taking that tone of voice with you should result in the skies parting and lightning striking the offender.
Essentially, I quickly began to figure out why she had hung up on you.
Also, your hockey team sucks.
No. Piss off.
Me: “Good evening, <Company> Lottery-“
SC: “Does this sound like the voice of a winner?!”
Me: “….pardon?”
SC: “Does this sound like the voice of a winner?”
Me: “……”
SC: “……”
SC: “You’ve probably never been asked that before, huh?”
Me: “....ok, can I have your name please?"
It sounds like the voice of some desperate muffler humper that's under the mistaken impression he's funny because no one in his life has ever had the heart to tell him otherwise. You're probably someone's uncle. Because everyone has at least one uncle like you. Its some sort of unwritten rule.
I Can't Even Be Funny For You
Did you seriously just call me on the emergency line at 4am to whine that the security guard won’t let you into the HOT TUB at 4am? Wow. You know what? You, my friend, can go to Hell. I don’t even have anything funny to say about you. Just, go to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, go straight Hell.
867
Me: “Ok, and your name please?”
SC: “El Beaver Lakemass”
Ok, I know I couldn’t have possibly heard that right but it’s going to take me a moment to recover before I can ask you to repeat it.
( Sadly......it turned out I did hear it half right. )
867
Ok, look. I have stranded passengers, police officers, a hospital and a PRISON RIOT going on, on my other lines. Meanwhile I’m sitting here with you, who isn’t even placing an order so much as channeling some girl in the background who’s telling you what to say. Because you’re too dull-witted to answer of these questions yourself. Even the most basic ones like your name, number or address.
So why are you even on the phone to begin with? Just put HER on. She’s obviously the brains of the operation and I use that term very very loosely. To top it all off first you wanted COD, then you wanted to put it on a VISA, but then you realized the VISA was maxed out, so you ordered 3 things on VISA then you wanted to order a friggan cap but put it on COD which requires me to make up an entirely separate order. A cap. A $30 cap. With $40 shipping.
Oh, but you didn’t need her help with the cap! No, you’re a big boy now. You can order a cap all by yourself.
( and yes, I DID have a prison riot going on, seriously. With casualties. )
If I Could Just Interrupt You A Moment
Me: “Good evening, <obviously a real estate office>-“
SC: “Yeah, what time does the bus come?”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “What time does the bus come?”
Me: “You have the wrong number.”
SC: “What time does the xxx come? I’m sitting here waiting for it.”
Me: “You have the wrong number.”
SC: “What time is the next bus?”
Me: “Excuse me.”
SC: “Huh?”
Me: “You have the wrong number.”
SC: “Why?”
Hmm, not an easy question to answer. I actually have several theories as to why this may have occurred:
1) You dialed incorrectly.
2) Your fingers are too fat. ( To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. )
3) You’re an idiot.
4) You’re an idiot and your fingers are too fat.
5) Your parents were siblings.
6) Your parents were siblings, you’re an idiot and your fingers are too fat.
7) And I hate you.
Mein Furher
As I was waiting for my Skytrain this evening a voice called out to me from behind:
“Hey, sir! Do you smoke?!”. I turned around to negatively answer this inquiry….
….annnd there was Hitler.
I don’t know why Hitler was asking if I smoke. I presume Hitler either wanted to bum a smoke or needed a lighter for an existing cigarette, cigar or crackpipe. I’d also presume that if you looked in the mirror, and saw Hitler, you’d shave or at least consider a different style of moustache.
But hey, what do I know. I’m one of those people who before I leave for work go "Showered? Check. Brushed teeth? Check. Got my keys? check. Don't look like Hitler? Check."
An Otherwise Damn Fine Plan
So your neighbor is a raging alcoholic that marauds through his apartment randomly swearing at the carpet and you, clever boy that you are, recorded it so that you could hold it up to the phone and play it back for me. Because the level of audio fidelity you can achieve by holding a tape recorder up to the ceiling then playing it back over the phone is really quite amazing isn’t it? Why I actually made out “-OTHERFUC-R” at least once in the ocean of garbled noise.
However, despite your Scooby Doo inspired plan, I don’t handle noise complaints.
Ire
Please stay on the line long enough for me to tell you that you have the wrong number. It’s much less frustrating then having you call and hang up on me repeatedly for 3 minutes before finally gaining the courage to speak to ask me about your AT&T account. Which I, of course, have no knowledge of or access too.
But don’t let that sort of logic or reason impede you. I’m pretty sure you’ve never let either of them get I your way thus far in the misguided journey that is your life. So please, feel free to make any account inquiries you might have. I won’t be able answer them truthfully or accurately of course. But I can answer them. As I am rather good at pretending. Much like your mother is when she says she’s proud of you.
Buying a Vowel
Me: “Ok, and your name please?”
SC: “It’s M-A-A-A-“
Er…..is this going to take a while? Because I’m off shift in about an hour and a half. I don’t want to go into OT just because your parents named you after the sound a mountain goat makes as it slips and plummets down an 800 foot cliff face deep in the Himalayas.
Yes, this did happen to me.
Have you ever bought a new pair of jeans and forgotten to take all the tags off of it? Specifically you missed the clear sticker on back with the measurements? Then, while riding the escalator at Granville, you feel something odd, turn around and the girl behind you is peeling the sticker off your butt? No? Well, you don’t know what you’re missing. The sheepish explanation and awkward silence is awesome.
Supporting Evidence
There are several facts about this case I would like to present to support my charge that you are an idiot.
1) You booked a room at the <hotel> North.
2) There is a <Hotel> North and <Hotel> South.
3) You were unaware that there was a <Hotel> South.
4) The <Hotel> North told you they would send a shuttle for you.
5) That was an hour ago.
6) You claim the shuttle never arrived.
7) After I explained there are two <Hotel> and I could book you at the other you indicated that you saw the shuttle <Hotel> South and it just left a while ago.
So you:
A) Did not know there were two <Hotels>
B) The <Hotel> told you they would send a shuttle and
C) A shuttle marked “<Hotel>” mysteriously arrived shortly thereafter and you dismissed it as being the wrong shuttle.
Do you see where I’m going with this, Forest? There’s a flaw in your logic. How do you know the shuttle was for the <Hotel> South when you did not know the <Hotel> South existed? If you saw a shuttle with “<Hotel>” on it, the same name as the hotel you were going too, would you not go ask the driver if he was there for you? Or am I expecting too much from you here?
Oh, and P.S., the <Hotel> South’s shuttle ended at 11pm. So the shuttle you saw was the <Hotel> North. The shuttle you were waiting for. Which you apparently dismissed as being the wrong shuttle and did not board. Because you supposedly thought it was a from hotel that you did not know existed. A hotel with the same name as the one you were going too.
Idiot.
867 - Story Time!
SC: “I placed an order fer 2 pairs of pants a while ago.”
Oh joy! Story time! Let me get some cocoa.
SC: “Den I called back cus I wanted to add two shirts to the order.”
Go on.
SC: “But they told me it was too late cus the order had already been sent out.”
Mhmm, fascinating.
SC: “So I couldn’t add the shirts to it.”
Yes, yes, I see that.
Me: “Ok…so you do need me to check on that order or add something to an order or?”
SC: “Uh, no, I jus wanna place a new order fer em.”
Oh, ok, so absolutely none of that was relevant in any way shape or form. You just felt the need to explain to me why you were placing a new order? So it really was story time. In that case, it’s my turn for story time:
Once upon a time in the vast, frigid null zone of failure that lay due north of the great nation of Canada, there was a young village girl. The other villagers looked upon her with both awe and envy, for she was the only one for 2 day's dog sled ride that actually owned a phone. They deferred to her as one would a princess and catered to her whims in the hopes that she would allow them to place the mystical connections known as phone calls. She basked in their affections and gifts of aerosol cheese as she cavorted amongst the empty beer cans, Cheetos bags and toenail clippings that littered her lawn, home and, well, every inch of space she occupied or passed through.
One day, this Princess Trailerpark was wandering the arctic tundra aimlessly as she was liable to do after she got a bit of a buzz on from the Molson. While uncoordinated and somewhat confused, she was confident in her mismatched pink camouflage to protect her from wolves, polar bears and other fur or blubber laden killing machines that roamed the wilds. While wandering in her stupor, she came across something odd buried in the snow. A curious, flat, bendy object that opened to reveal wondrous pictures of fanciful hats and pants. Her eyes filled with awe and excitement. How could she obtain these wonderful items? She flipped madly throughthe picture book but it was cluttered with confusing symbols and markings known as “words”. Such things were utterly foreign to her and she struggled to make any sense of them.
But what was this? Numbers! Numbers she knew for they were plastered on the front of the rotary phone back in her mobile home. Perhaps if she dialed these numbers she could get these wondrous items! Enraptured in glee she began to skip back towards the village. But skipping in the snow with a buzz on was folly in the making! For before she could reach her home, she slipped! With a shriek she plunged face first into a rock, breaking her face and knocking herself out cold. Broken and twitching, her limp form slowly slipped into the icy waters of the conveniently located river of which the rock was part of the shore. The rapid current swept her away! But luckily, but some miracle she didn’t quite drown right away and was swept several kilometers down river where her broken, defenseless form was dragged screaming out of the waters by a pack of starving wolves who set upon her and began to devour her piece by shrieking piece.
Oh but the wolves suddenly stopped their feast, for here came Mrs Polar Bear. Mrs Polar Bear was easily 4 times their size and was known to be a bit of a right bitch. So the wolves reluctantly left their terrified, quivering, fatally wounded dinner and bounded back into the forests. Mrs Polar Bear sniffed at the trembling Princess a few times then promptly latched onto her face and began dragging her away from the riverbank. The Princess was terrified! But wait...maybe Mrs Polar Bear was trying to help? Maybe Mrs Polar Bear was taking her back to the village!
Well, no. No really. Mrs Polar Bear just has cubs to feed and the Princess, by some miracle, remained conscious through the heavy bleeding long enough to meet them the cute little things and enjoy every last minute alive, er, alone playing with them.
The End.
Hot Tips for America
SC: “Yeah, like, I have an idea that might help the US economy. Like what if you had like a new dollar coin that was like 100% silver? With an eagle on one side and a crow on the other. Then you could like-“
Me: “Why a crow?”
SC: “Huh?”
Me: “Why have a crow on it? I can understand eagle for the United States. But why a crow?”
SC: “….uh….well…um, well you see them in the sky all the time in Vancouver and it’s like, kind of magical in the Vancouver sky.”
Me: “Yes, but that’s Vancouver. We’re talking about America. So why a crow?”
SC: “um…well they’re like….in the Vancouver sky and it’s kind of magical. Haven’t you ever thought that?”
Me: “Not really, no. Besides, we're talking about the US here. Not about Vancouver. So why have a crow on it for the US?”
SC: “Well, uh….there’s crows like all down there in some places.”
Me: “Yes, but you’re talking about them in the Vancouver sky-“
SC: “Well, er, um......uh, well that’s my idea, bye! <click>”
Victory!
With No Apologies to Chicago
Ok, I’m really trying to piece together what just happened. As far as I can figure out you called a random <nation wide real estate company that has hundreds of offices> office ( You don’t know which one ), spoke with someone named “Gwen” and she hung up on you 6 times because she thought you were a rude, abusive asshole. Now you want to complain to the <company> head office. But you can’t figure out which office is the head office, so you just called directory assistance, asked for the number of a random <company> office and decided to call it ( at 3am no less ) to bitch, piss, moan and rant about how butt hurt you are about Gwen from <Company> Unidentified because she won’t talk to you anymore? Ok, I think I have the general gist of it.
You also managed to work yourself up into a complete indignant forth completely by yourself too. The only words I got in edgewise were “Pardon?”, “Who are you trying to reach?” and “Gwen?”. You also ranted something about how you own two businesses and you’re a Chicago Blackhawk and how no one should DARE speak to you that way EVER because you are so fantastically important that even taking that tone of voice with you should result in the skies parting and lightning striking the offender.
Essentially, I quickly began to figure out why she had hung up on you.
Also, your hockey team sucks.
No. Piss off.
Me: “Good evening, <Company> Lottery-“
SC: “Does this sound like the voice of a winner?!”
Me: “….pardon?”
SC: “Does this sound like the voice of a winner?”
Me: “……”
SC: “……”
SC: “You’ve probably never been asked that before, huh?”
Me: “....ok, can I have your name please?"
It sounds like the voice of some desperate muffler humper that's under the mistaken impression he's funny because no one in his life has ever had the heart to tell him otherwise. You're probably someone's uncle. Because everyone has at least one uncle like you. Its some sort of unwritten rule.
I Can't Even Be Funny For You
Did you seriously just call me on the emergency line at 4am to whine that the security guard won’t let you into the HOT TUB at 4am? Wow. You know what? You, my friend, can go to Hell. I don’t even have anything funny to say about you. Just, go to Hell. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, go straight Hell.
867
Me: “Ok, and your name please?”
SC: “El Beaver Lakemass”
Ok, I know I couldn’t have possibly heard that right but it’s going to take me a moment to recover before I can ask you to repeat it.
( Sadly......it turned out I did hear it half right. )
867
Ok, look. I have stranded passengers, police officers, a hospital and a PRISON RIOT going on, on my other lines. Meanwhile I’m sitting here with you, who isn’t even placing an order so much as channeling some girl in the background who’s telling you what to say. Because you’re too dull-witted to answer of these questions yourself. Even the most basic ones like your name, number or address.
So why are you even on the phone to begin with? Just put HER on. She’s obviously the brains of the operation and I use that term very very loosely. To top it all off first you wanted COD, then you wanted to put it on a VISA, but then you realized the VISA was maxed out, so you ordered 3 things on VISA then you wanted to order a friggan cap but put it on COD which requires me to make up an entirely separate order. A cap. A $30 cap. With $40 shipping.
Oh, but you didn’t need her help with the cap! No, you’re a big boy now. You can order a cap all by yourself.
( and yes, I DID have a prison riot going on, seriously. With casualties. )
If I Could Just Interrupt You A Moment
Me: “Good evening, <obviously a real estate office>-“
SC: “Yeah, what time does the bus come?”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “What time does the bus come?”
Me: “You have the wrong number.”
SC: “What time does the xxx come? I’m sitting here waiting for it.”
Me: “You have the wrong number.”
SC: “What time is the next bus?”
Me: “Excuse me.”
SC: “Huh?”
Me: “You have the wrong number.”
SC: “Why?”
Hmm, not an easy question to answer. I actually have several theories as to why this may have occurred:
1) You dialed incorrectly.
2) Your fingers are too fat. ( To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. )
3) You’re an idiot.
4) You’re an idiot and your fingers are too fat.
5) Your parents were siblings.
6) Your parents were siblings, you’re an idiot and your fingers are too fat.
7) And I hate you.
Mein Furher
As I was waiting for my Skytrain this evening a voice called out to me from behind:
“Hey, sir! Do you smoke?!”. I turned around to negatively answer this inquiry….
….annnd there was Hitler.
I don’t know why Hitler was asking if I smoke. I presume Hitler either wanted to bum a smoke or needed a lighter for an existing cigarette, cigar or crackpipe. I’d also presume that if you looked in the mirror, and saw Hitler, you’d shave or at least consider a different style of moustache.
But hey, what do I know. I’m one of those people who before I leave for work go "Showered? Check. Brushed teeth? Check. Got my keys? check. Don't look like Hitler? Check."
An Otherwise Damn Fine Plan
So your neighbor is a raging alcoholic that marauds through his apartment randomly swearing at the carpet and you, clever boy that you are, recorded it so that you could hold it up to the phone and play it back for me. Because the level of audio fidelity you can achieve by holding a tape recorder up to the ceiling then playing it back over the phone is really quite amazing isn’t it? Why I actually made out “-OTHERFUC-R” at least once in the ocean of garbled noise.
However, despite your Scooby Doo inspired plan, I don’t handle noise complaints.
Ire
Please stay on the line long enough for me to tell you that you have the wrong number. It’s much less frustrating then having you call and hang up on me repeatedly for 3 minutes before finally gaining the courage to speak to ask me about your AT&T account. Which I, of course, have no knowledge of or access too.
But don’t let that sort of logic or reason impede you. I’m pretty sure you’ve never let either of them get I your way thus far in the misguided journey that is your life. So please, feel free to make any account inquiries you might have. I won’t be able answer them truthfully or accurately of course. But I can answer them. As I am rather good at pretending. Much like your mother is when she says she’s proud of you.
Buying a Vowel
Me: “Ok, and your name please?”
SC: “It’s M-A-A-A-“
Er…..is this going to take a while? Because I’m off shift in about an hour and a half. I don’t want to go into OT just because your parents named you after the sound a mountain goat makes as it slips and plummets down an 800 foot cliff face deep in the Himalayas.
Yes, this did happen to me.
Have you ever bought a new pair of jeans and forgotten to take all the tags off of it? Specifically you missed the clear sticker on back with the measurements? Then, while riding the escalator at Granville, you feel something odd, turn around and the girl behind you is peeling the sticker off your butt? No? Well, you don’t know what you’re missing. The sheepish explanation and awkward silence is awesome.
Supporting Evidence
There are several facts about this case I would like to present to support my charge that you are an idiot.
1) You booked a room at the <hotel> North.
2) There is a <Hotel> North and <Hotel> South.
3) You were unaware that there was a <Hotel> South.
4) The <Hotel> North told you they would send a shuttle for you.
5) That was an hour ago.
6) You claim the shuttle never arrived.
7) After I explained there are two <Hotel> and I could book you at the other you indicated that you saw the shuttle <Hotel> South and it just left a while ago.
So you:
A) Did not know there were two <Hotels>
B) The <Hotel> told you they would send a shuttle and
C) A shuttle marked “<Hotel>” mysteriously arrived shortly thereafter and you dismissed it as being the wrong shuttle.
Do you see where I’m going with this, Forest? There’s a flaw in your logic. How do you know the shuttle was for the <Hotel> South when you did not know the <Hotel> South existed? If you saw a shuttle with “<Hotel>” on it, the same name as the hotel you were going too, would you not go ask the driver if he was there for you? Or am I expecting too much from you here?
Oh, and P.S., the <Hotel> South’s shuttle ended at 11pm. So the shuttle you saw was the <Hotel> North. The shuttle you were waiting for. Which you apparently dismissed as being the wrong shuttle and did not board. Because you supposedly thought it was a from hotel that you did not know existed. A hotel with the same name as the one you were going too.
Idiot.
867 - Story Time!
SC: “I placed an order fer 2 pairs of pants a while ago.”
Oh joy! Story time! Let me get some cocoa.
SC: “Den I called back cus I wanted to add two shirts to the order.”
Go on.
SC: “But they told me it was too late cus the order had already been sent out.”
Mhmm, fascinating.
SC: “So I couldn’t add the shirts to it.”
Yes, yes, I see that.
Me: “Ok…so you do need me to check on that order or add something to an order or?”
SC: “Uh, no, I jus wanna place a new order fer em.”
Oh, ok, so absolutely none of that was relevant in any way shape or form. You just felt the need to explain to me why you were placing a new order? So it really was story time. In that case, it’s my turn for story time:
Once upon a time in the vast, frigid null zone of failure that lay due north of the great nation of Canada, there was a young village girl. The other villagers looked upon her with both awe and envy, for she was the only one for 2 day's dog sled ride that actually owned a phone. They deferred to her as one would a princess and catered to her whims in the hopes that she would allow them to place the mystical connections known as phone calls. She basked in their affections and gifts of aerosol cheese as she cavorted amongst the empty beer cans, Cheetos bags and toenail clippings that littered her lawn, home and, well, every inch of space she occupied or passed through.
One day, this Princess Trailerpark was wandering the arctic tundra aimlessly as she was liable to do after she got a bit of a buzz on from the Molson. While uncoordinated and somewhat confused, she was confident in her mismatched pink camouflage to protect her from wolves, polar bears and other fur or blubber laden killing machines that roamed the wilds. While wandering in her stupor, she came across something odd buried in the snow. A curious, flat, bendy object that opened to reveal wondrous pictures of fanciful hats and pants. Her eyes filled with awe and excitement. How could she obtain these wonderful items? She flipped madly throughthe picture book but it was cluttered with confusing symbols and markings known as “words”. Such things were utterly foreign to her and she struggled to make any sense of them.
But what was this? Numbers! Numbers she knew for they were plastered on the front of the rotary phone back in her mobile home. Perhaps if she dialed these numbers she could get these wondrous items! Enraptured in glee she began to skip back towards the village. But skipping in the snow with a buzz on was folly in the making! For before she could reach her home, she slipped! With a shriek she plunged face first into a rock, breaking her face and knocking herself out cold. Broken and twitching, her limp form slowly slipped into the icy waters of the conveniently located river of which the rock was part of the shore. The rapid current swept her away! But luckily, but some miracle she didn’t quite drown right away and was swept several kilometers down river where her broken, defenseless form was dragged screaming out of the waters by a pack of starving wolves who set upon her and began to devour her piece by shrieking piece.
Oh but the wolves suddenly stopped their feast, for here came Mrs Polar Bear. Mrs Polar Bear was easily 4 times their size and was known to be a bit of a right bitch. So the wolves reluctantly left their terrified, quivering, fatally wounded dinner and bounded back into the forests. Mrs Polar Bear sniffed at the trembling Princess a few times then promptly latched onto her face and began dragging her away from the riverbank. The Princess was terrified! But wait...maybe Mrs Polar Bear was trying to help? Maybe Mrs Polar Bear was taking her back to the village!
Well, no. No really. Mrs Polar Bear just has cubs to feed and the Princess, by some miracle, remained conscious through the heavy bleeding long enough to meet them the cute little things and enjoy every last minute alive, er, alone playing with them.
The End.
I have this habit of removing extremely noticeable bits from people as long as they don't appear too filthy/smelly. My bf recently banned me from picking every bit of lint and dog hair that I could find off of him... I think his final straw was when I started testing his body hair to see if it was really all that attached...
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