Very Very Not Happy....Actually Friggen Pissed

[notlovinit]

That's a pretty daring claim to make without knowing

a) the conditions of his parole
b) the local and state laws where Kisa lives

don't you think?

Okay, you're right, I apologize for making a blanket statement. It is possible that he has some clause in his parole conditions that prevents him from even talking to women for all I know. However, as far as telephone harassment goes (from my experience and from the experience of working with law enforcement for my state and for others across the country) the police will not arrest or even charge the offender until after they have warned the offender and the offender continues the harassment. The initial contact between the victim and the police does not lead to arrest or even a charge in most cases. All I am trying to do is ease Kisa's mind about her friend being angry with her. Reporting this to the police does not mean he will go back to jail. He might leave you alone after it is reported to the police, because he will know you are serious. Even if he continues the harassment and is convicted in court it might still not lead to jail time. It could. The chances are higher in his case since he is on parole, but it depends on the judge. If he does get sent back, it is his own fault. He would have had you warning him and the police warning him. If he's that stupid then he deserves it quite a bit. Any friend that doesn't understand that isn't worth it, IMO.

ETA: Also, if he doesn't leave you alone after you telling him and the police telling him, you'll probably WANT him to be in jail at that point.

[Mytical]

I absolutely agree Lupo, no way she should go talk to the bozo. If for some reason Kisa was thinking about it, for whatever reason, just wanted to make sure that all the bases covered. My advise is to go nowhere near him.

[Seshat]

The thread I'm about to link contains my best advice for this situation.

Dealing with Harassment


As you can tell from the fact that we actually HAVE a FAQ thread about harassment, we've had to give this advice plenty of times.

Your case is unusually bad.

Your case is setting off my 'if you go there on Friday the next we'll hear of you is in a newspaper' warning bells.

Read the harassment thread.

Send him ONE 'cease and desist', WHILE STANDING IN A POLICE STATION, with a police officer helping you write the 'cease and desist' text and witnessing you sending it.

I'm not kidding.

And then NEVER EVER talk to him again. Forward his communications to you (and there will be some) to the police officer handling your case. And otherwise completely ignore him.
Smartphones and email programs can do that forwarding automatically. Mail you can drop off unopened. Voice calls, you hang up and keep a log of when he tries to call you, then send that log to the police officer handling the case.
If he approaches you physically, call police non-emergency. If he approaches you physically and you feel unsafe, call police emergency #.

I am deadly serious. Because my instincts are saying you are in real, physical danger.

Please be careful. He has motive, ability and opportunity. That is a bad, bad, BAD combination. That's the combination that gets people killed.

[Eisa]

Jester would probably go over there and offer to kick the guy's ass for him.

I would help...if only to provide Jester with an alibi.



I agree with everyone else, Kisa. Get away from this guy as far and as fast as you can. I don't CARE if it might piss off your friend to see this guy arrested again. If that's the case, you need better friends. Because if I were friends with some guy who just got out of jail, and I found out he was harassing my other friends, we wouldn't be friends anymore.

Definitely DO NOT EVER meet him again. Because I agree, it's setting off my "we will see you in the newspaper/in a body bag" spidey sense, and that is a very bad thing.

This guy is more than just clueless or not a nice guy. This guy is dangerous.

[Midnight12]

based on the original post it sounds like he thought that if he said sorry and all these sweet things you would cave and let him get what he wants and when that failed blowing up your phone and treating you like crap must work since other women must like it. yeah no not all women especially you like being talked to this way.

however this is a guess based solely on the OP

[Der Cute]

All the hairs on my neck are standing up and my gut is screaming DON'T EVEN THINK OF THAT.

I would not answer the text. I would not be home at that time. I'd be at the police station and making a report right then. And be asking for a restraining order, with the texts as evidence. This person has been arrested for a pretty big crime. He's out now, and is supposed to show that he's changed and will be a better person. He's not doing that. He's breaking some common rules in society; and even with a warning, I don't think this will work.

I would also suggest to not answer the door, the phone or other means of communication without any kind of ID with it. Frankly, the concern for your friend is overriding your safety concern. That's...not cool.

Please, don't talk to this guy anymore. Even if it's a Hey Leave Me Alone, you're going to get a reply asking "why"..and you'll want to answer it. Don't acknowledge his existence from here on out. Period.
And get the restraining order, harassment based. It's YOUR safety, not his freedom.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

No talk, no text, no go see this guy on Friday. He sounds like bad news, and there seem to be too many people who can't or won't see that he's bad news.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

"I want you to come over...do that"= bad; Stating you want that person to do something without caring what they think and then telling them what to do.

Hmmm. Sort of like a sex offender might do.

[Jester]

Kisa, just remember WWJD.

(What Would Jester Do?)

Since I was mentioned....

Kisa, I have two words of advice: IGNORE HIM.

"But he keeps texting me..."

I don't care. IGNORE HIM. If he texts you, just don't bother reading it, delete it, whatever it is you do with junk texts that offer you penis extenders, chances of winning lotteries, and shares in large Nigerian fortunes. If you have a sick side, perhaps laugh with your friends over the texts, reading them aloud at the pub or wherever, but do not respond, and do not treat these texts as anything other than what they are: garbage. In other words, IGNORE HIM.

"But he keeps calling me...."

So what? Lots of people call me that I don't answer. That's the beauty of having a cell phone...you get to screen your calls. I do it all the time. People call me while I'm at work....voice mail. People call me from numbers I don't know....voice mail. People call me who I just don't feel like talking to because they're University of Arizona fans calling to gloat...voice mail. In other words, IGNORE HIM.

"But he keeps leaving me all these voice mails...."

So what? I delete voice mails all the time. Ghost call voice mails, voice mails from wrong numbers looking for Alejandro, voice mails from businesses trying get me to change my car insurance or phone carrier, voice mails from random businesses trying to sell me whatever the fuck they are trying to sell me. As soon as I realize it's a voice mail I don't want to or need to listen to, I delete it. Don't even listen to the whole thing. I just delete it. So if you get a voice mail, and here his voice saying, "Hey, Kisa, I just called to say...", just immediately delete it. Don't listen to it, don't respond to it, don't even consider it as anything more than the waste that regularly gets deposited in the toilet, since that is what it is, and do what you do with that waste....flush it away and out of your life. In other words, IGNORE HIM.

Look, the dude can't leave his house, right? Eventually, even his dumb ass will get the message that he is not worth your time. Not a second, not a minute, not a word, not a text, not an image, nothing. And he will move on to some other poor unsuspecting soul who will fall for his crap, and/or get naked for him. And that's her problem, not yours. Feel sorry for her if you want, and if you know her adviser her about the crap YOU dealt with thanks to Mr. Serial Dialer, but whatever else you do, IGNORE HIM.

"But what if..."

No. No. And no. There are no what ifs, no what abouts, no buts, no but you sees, no but what about thises, no but what do I do whens.....there is only one thing.

And that, my dear, is that lovely two word phrase I keep repeating. IGNORE HIM. He is no more worthy of your time, stress, or bother than a snail that gets run over by a delivery truck on the other side of the road from where you get your lunch.

In other words, and to make this REALLY simple.....IGNORE HIM!!!!

Jester would probably go over there and offer to kick the guy's ass for him.

If I lived in the area, the first thing I would do is to offer my advice as listed above. That is the absolute best thing Kisa can do in this situation, period. (For those who somehow missed it due to their recent cataract surgery or having just smoked twenty bongs of primo grade ganja, that advice was to IGNORE HIM.)

However, I might also offer to go have a chat with our intrepid young lad. The conversation would go something like this.

*KNOCK KNOCK*

MORON: "Yes?"
JESTER: "Hi, Moron. I'm Jester. I'm friends with Kisa. The girl you keep calling and texting. And I'm here to tell you that you need to stop calling and texting her, because she really wants nothing to do with you. So you basically have two choices here. You can stop bothering her and leave her alone, or you can get used to breathing through a fucking tube."

Of course, that's just off the top of my head. In the moment, I might actually say something ugly.

[fma_fanatic]

I'm going to say this with the experience of having an ex-BIL who was a molester - do not engage him.

Contact the police. So what if he goes back to jail? He's harassing you!

[Seshat]

Please, don't talk to this guy anymore. Even if it's a Hey Leave Me Alone, you're going to get a reply asking "why"..and you'll want to answer it. Don't acknowledge his existence from here on out. Period.

The police require evidence that (generic) you have asked the person to leave you alone.

This is the ONLY reason I suggested sending a 'leave me alone' text. And her safety is the reason I suggested doing so while standing in a police station, with a police officer helping her word it AND WITNESSING IT.

Having the 'leave me alone' witnessed by an independant, reliable third party can make a huge difference.

Also, having a police officer standing by is going to help her resist answering the 'why'. Especially since any officer worth her blues is going to say 'don't answer that'.

[notlovinit]

I wholeheartedly agree with Seshat's reply to this. The only thing I do suggest is to keep any texts, voice messages, letters, e-mails, etc. as evidence if he does continue contact and it comes up in court. Evidence is important.

[XCashier]

Both Seshat and RK have given good advice. Take this to the police, talk to them, start a paper trail. This guy is setting off all sorts of gut alarms with me, and I'm not even in the vicinity.

Too many women have been raised to be "good girls", to not want to "cause a scene" or upset the man's feelings, and that is precisely what the creeps are hoping for, so they can victimize some poor polite girl without getting into trouble. Read this blog post, it is an eye-opener.

[ApolloSZ]

Mytical nailed my instinctual feeling in one hit. I have a long answer and a short answer to going to see him.

Short = No.
Long = Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooo.

Jester - Two other options for this creep? -

1 - Stop texting/contacting/having Kisa's number on his phone.
2 - Eating said phone. Without the aid of condiments.

To re-iterate. DONT GO. DONT contact beyond the "leave me alone" message. Seshat has give awesome advice.

[Jester]

Jester - Two other options for this creep? -

1 - Stop texting/contacting/having Kisa's number on his phone.
2 - Eating said phone. Without the aid of condiments.

Or, to paraphrase one of the best lines I've ever heard on a tv show, leave her alone or learn to chew with someone else's teeth.

But however it was phrased, the message would be clear. Fuck off, or get fucked up. To be blunt.