I'm nervous as hell. Gastroscopy tomorrow. I don't want it. I really, really, really don't want it. I know it's a routine procedure, and I know it's part of finding out what's wrong with me. I know that if they find something they can fix, it'll improve my quality of life (not having the back of my throat raw all the time should be great).
But I. don't. want. this.
I just want to run away and panic and hide and curl up in a corner and vanish and .. and ... and I'm so SICK TO DEATH of medical stuff and I don't want to leave my house where it's safe and I'm comfortable and I have all my medications and things. And I don't want to go nil by mouth from 7am so even if I'm in pain and afraid I can't take my 'as needed' breakthrough pain and panic-attack stopping medications.
And I don't want to be in a hospital in the care of people I don't know who don't know me and my complex medical issues. I wish this was something that could be done at my local doctor's office where they KNOW me and the nurses and the receptionists have watched me slowly get better and cheer for me when I can come in without using my stick and can often tell if I'm having a good day or a bad day just from how I hold my face and body.
And the nurses at my doctor's office know that I'm fibro, and pain-sensitive, and make a point of being gentle when they have to do things that can hurt me. These nurses don't know me, and for all I know they're among the people who think fibromyalgia is a psychosomatic thing, or even malingering. Or they might be among the people who know it's real. I don't know.
But I'm scared.
And .. well. Wish me luck.
But I. don't. want. this.
I just want to run away and panic and hide and curl up in a corner and vanish and .. and ... and I'm so SICK TO DEATH of medical stuff and I don't want to leave my house where it's safe and I'm comfortable and I have all my medications and things. And I don't want to go nil by mouth from 7am so even if I'm in pain and afraid I can't take my 'as needed' breakthrough pain and panic-attack stopping medications.
And I don't want to be in a hospital in the care of people I don't know who don't know me and my complex medical issues. I wish this was something that could be done at my local doctor's office where they KNOW me and the nurses and the receptionists have watched me slowly get better and cheer for me when I can come in without using my stick and can often tell if I'm having a good day or a bad day just from how I hold my face and body.
And the nurses at my doctor's office know that I'm fibro, and pain-sensitive, and make a point of being gentle when they have to do things that can hurt me. These nurses don't know me, and for all I know they're among the people who think fibromyalgia is a psychosomatic thing, or even malingering. Or they might be among the people who know it's real. I don't know.
But I'm scared.
And .. well. Wish me luck.
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