This may be the end

[Eireann]

Kitty has had diarrhea for the past couple of days, and she hasn't been eating. I smeared some food on her face to get her to lick it off, and she did eat it that way, but she hasn't approached the food dish, although it's right next to her.

She's also been throwing up, but only bringing up saliva. It may be due to the lack of food. I don't know.

I've been giving her some of the stomach medicine the vet gave me a few months ago. She's not happy about that. I've been giving her lots of pets, which she does like.

Today, I had an appointment with my therapist. I was talking about her, and about the thought of losing her, and he went into his usual spiel about people and pets dying, and there's no way of avoiding it, and I broke down. He ripped the cardboard off a box of tissues and gave me one. And another. And another. "Get it out of your system," he said.

I haven't, though. I'm still crying. I can't imagine coming home and not finding her here. I can't bear the thought of stuffing her into that cat carrier and taking her to the vet, knowing what will happen. She hates going to the vet so much, and I don't want to subject her to that.

The only option I can think of, is to ask the woman from the shelter if she would be willing to come here and do the lethal injection. I think she's done it to kitties in the shelter before. I know she's come here to give my kitties other injections. I haven't talked to her in a few years, so I don't know.

I feel like the Angel of Death. I feel like the Juliette Binoche character in The English Patient. I wanted to get a break from one death after another.

2008: Three deaths.
2009: One death.
2010: One death.
2011 - present: One death.

Why am I still here?

[AnaKhouri]

Does your vet have a mobile vet service? My aunt had her vet's mobile service to put her dog down, because he hated the vet and she couldn't bear for her last memory to be of him frightened.

I'm sorry about your cat.

[Seraph]

<hugs> I'm keeping both of you in my prayers....

[Cat]

***hugs*** sending you good thoughts.

[shadowpanda]

I'm so sorry to hear that. The mobile vet idea or calling the lady from the shelter sound like good ideas. You can spend your last moments with her knowing what will happen, that it will end the pain, and if you know it is coming (rather than going to work and coming home to it) it might make it slightly more bearable.

You are not the angel of death, these cats have a wonderful life with you, the timing just bites! xx

[MoonCat]

Remember this: You love her. You've given her a good life, filled with affection, companionship and everything you possibly could give. I hope you can ease her passing, I understand completely about not wanting to take her to the vet to do this.

I know it hurts. Never doubt that you've done all that was humanly possible.

[Eireann]

She's been bringing up more saliva. About half an hour ago, she let out two loud cries before she did it. This is very similar to what my other kitty (who left us in 2008) did as he was going downhill.

She's so thin. She's not eating, even though I smeared food on her mouth last night. And I have to wait to take her to the vet, because he closes for three hours in the early afternoon to perform surgical procedures. I know what he's going to do; he wanted to do it back in July.

I've been telling her how much she means to me, and how much she has brought to my life in the years we've been together. I think she knows what's happening.

I asked a friend if he could bury her, but his father is visiting him. I asked the woman from the shelter if she could give the injection, but she's no longer working for the shelter. I have to put her in that carrier she hates and take her to the place she hates. I can't even give her comfortable, loving surroundings.

And I don't think I'll be able to be there in the room with her when it happens. I can't watch the light go out of her eyes and watch them close for the last time ever. And then have to pay the vet to kill my baby.

[Dreamstalker]

Remember this: You love her. You've given her a good life, filled with affection, companionship and everything you possibly could give. I hope you can ease her passing, I understand completely about not wanting to take her to the vet to do this.

I know it hurts. Never doubt that you've done all that was humanly possible.

^^ This. A million times this.

I couldn't stay in the room when we had to put McGriff down. Part of me wanted to, but he was in so much pain at that point that he would have tried to scratch the hell out of me and I couldn't let my last memory of him be that.

[Antisocial_Worker]

You did what you could. You gave her a wonderful life and loved her and that's more than most people and animals ever get.

Now, I say this as someone who has always had animals. When one goes, sooner or later another one that needs your love will come to you. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for a while, but there will be another one in need of you. I saw it happen time and time and time again all throughout my life. I saw it happen this year in fact, when my mother's cat died and just a few weeks later someone threw a kitten out in the front yard.

You'll be okay in time. I promise.

[Eireann]

She's gone.

My little sweetheart went to the vet's, a place she hated. She meowed and complained all the way, which made it that much worse.

The vet examined her and weighed her. She weighed less than five pounds. I could feel all of her bones. She resisted when we took her out of the carrier, just as she always did.

The vet kept talking about money and my financial situation and what he would do if he were in my situation and had money. Maybe he meant well, but I could have done without it. Even if I'd had endless money to spend treating her, she hated the vet, she hated being in the carrier, she hated all of it.

The vet could have done bloodwork, but he admitted that it might have shown an incurable condition. And it would have caused her more stress.

I want to go too. I have lost too many loved ones. I can't stand to lose more.

[Antisocial_Worker]

I wish I knew what to say to you, but I don't. I just know your experience. I've lived it many times and I just remember what I've already told you -- sometime sooner or later something else will need your love. Please don't despair. It's hard, but you'll be ok in time.

Please feel free to email me or send me a private message here. I'm going to be traveling for the next week and a half but I will answer you just as soon as I possibly can.

[Eireann]

My landlord and landlady have been wonderfully sympathetic. He went out and dug a grave in the back yard, near the place where my first kitty was buried almost three years ago. Then he came in, and my landlady told me I could go out and do what I needed to do.

I went out there with my little baby in her carrier, plus her cushion and toy mousie. She loved that toy. She used to lie on the floor and rub the corners of her mouth on it.

I put the cushion and mousie in the grave, then very carefully, I took her out of the carrier. The vet and his assistant had (at my request) wrapped her up in some material and taped it. Thus, I couldn't see anything of her. Picking up that dead weight was the worst physical feeling I have ever had.

I knelt at the side of the grave and put her on top of the cushion. My landlord did a wonderful job. It looked like a grave for humans, only smaller. I then took the blanket out of the carrier and tucked it over her. I stood there for some time, apologizing for everything I'd done wrong, apologizing for the fact that she'd had to go through so many visits to the vet in her life, and telling her what a good girl she was and how much she brought to me over the years. And I told her that she can visit me anytime she wants. Wherever I am, I want her there.

Even as cold as it's been, the flowers are still blooming on some of the bushes. I picked two roses and some other flower that I didn't recognize, and put them on top of the blanket. Then I went inside and told my landlady that I was done. My landlord filled in the grave for me.

My baby will never again meet me at the door when I come home. She will never again meow to be fed. She won't come into the bathroom while I shower. She won't rub against my hand; she won't lift her head so I can scratch her under the chin. She won't jump on the couch and curl up next to me.

A couple of months ago, I saw a kitty when I was walking towards the living room. I didn't think anything of it, until I entered the living room and saw both kitties in there. It happened a few more times after that, and I didn't know why. Now I think it was an omen of what was to happen soon.

I was chatting with a friend earlier when I saw Other Kitty walk towards the bed. I glanced over - and there was nothing. Kitty wasn't there. She was on the radiator. I hope more than anything that it was my little darling visiting me. Just as I asked.

This is just too much to bear.

[Mytical]

*hugs you* Friends are never gone as long as we remember them. I am sorry for your loss.

[dragon_wings]

I understand at least some of your pain. My parents dog, the dog I grew up with, passed away in June. The worst part was I wasn't there to say goodbye.

Many many hugs to you.

[Seraph]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. <hugs> Losing a pet is one of the most gut-wrenching experiences ever....not much to say about it except that I am so so sorry to hear about it.