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Hey guys. I know many of you here have dealt with depression. I've had chronic depression for the last 15 years. Often, it's resulted in suicidal tendencies. This time, though, has been different than anything I ever experienced. Before I get into this, I'm not really looking for advice. Just support and prayers, really. I can't afford counseling because my insurance sucks and I make too much to qualify for any kind of aid there. It's that middle road for me financially that means we're on our own, but still can't afford a lot.
I've been contemplating suicide for the last 2 months. In the last couple of weeks or so, though, is when something really just snapped. It stopped being a desperate way out, but the logical end instead. There has been no emotion, positive or negative. It just makes sense to die. With that mentality, I began to research and study. Let's just say I now have an extremely detailed plan that matches all of my criteria of how I want to go. Unless you really knew me, you wouldn't know anything was wrong. I smile and laugh, but didn't feel any of it. Really, the only thing I've been able to feel is tired.
I did tell my husband finally about a week ago that I had been doing some research along these lines. More than anything, I just wanted to prepare him. I didn't at first because I was concerned about his reaction. I felt nothing when I told him. The process in my brain was purely logical to gauge his reaction to know the best next steps. He honestly took it better than I thought. Concerned, but no panic.
Yesterday morning, I started to feel a little bit and didn't and still don't quite know what to make of what I'm feeling. I still don't really want to live, but I'm not set on dying, either. Then, I surprised myself by telling him everything. He wanted to know what I had been planning so he knew what to watch for. He was disturbed by the level of detail and the sheer amount of research, but glad I told him. I finally cried. I feel like I've lost my safety net. Having my plan gave me a sense of peace and that's gone now. At the same time, I don't want to leave my husband. I love him and he loves me.
So yeah, if you could spare a prayer for me if you're the praying type or send some good thoughts my way, that would be much appreciated. Especially for my husband, though. He's trying to be strong, but he is hugging me extra tight these days. I don't want to hurt him.
I've been contemplating suicide for the last 2 months. In the last couple of weeks or so, though, is when something really just snapped. It stopped being a desperate way out, but the logical end instead. There has been no emotion, positive or negative. It just makes sense to die. With that mentality, I began to research and study. Let's just say I now have an extremely detailed plan that matches all of my criteria of how I want to go. Unless you really knew me, you wouldn't know anything was wrong. I smile and laugh, but didn't feel any of it. Really, the only thing I've been able to feel is tired.
I did tell my husband finally about a week ago that I had been doing some research along these lines. More than anything, I just wanted to prepare him. I didn't at first because I was concerned about his reaction. I felt nothing when I told him. The process in my brain was purely logical to gauge his reaction to know the best next steps. He honestly took it better than I thought. Concerned, but no panic.
Yesterday morning, I started to feel a little bit and didn't and still don't quite know what to make of what I'm feeling. I still don't really want to live, but I'm not set on dying, either. Then, I surprised myself by telling him everything. He wanted to know what I had been planning so he knew what to watch for. He was disturbed by the level of detail and the sheer amount of research, but glad I told him. I finally cried. I feel like I've lost my safety net. Having my plan gave me a sense of peace and that's gone now. At the same time, I don't want to leave my husband. I love him and he loves me.
So yeah, if you could spare a prayer for me if you're the praying type or send some good thoughts my way, that would be much appreciated. Especially for my husband, though. He's trying to be strong, but he is hugging me extra tight these days. I don't want to hurt him.
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