Grieving this Christmas

[SongsOfDragons]

*sends big squidgy hugs*

[Kheldarson]

I'm so sorry Cookie. Much love and positive thoughts to you and your husband.

[DaisyQueen]

Cookie, I'm so sorry! Sending all the love, hugs, positive thoughts, and chocolate cookie dough ice cream your way. I was in the same boat with my pregnancy so I understand that fear. Thankfully my doctor was able to save my little one but I have never forgotten those feelings.
My sister had three miscarriages and one in particular has continued to affect her more than the others. She was further along with him than the others and able to tell he was a little boy. She named him and gave him a private burial at my grandparents' grave.
It may help to name your little one and refer to her by name. Allow yourself time to grieve too. One of my friends, who is a wonderful therapist, has often told me the best way through your feelings is to let yourself feel what you are feeling, instead of fighting the feelings. Let yourself be sad, let yourself miss your baby, but also don't forget that there is still life worth living.
Thinking of you, dear!

[Cookie]

Thanks everyone. The prayers and well wishes really do mean a lot as do the offers to listen.

DaisyQueen, I actually have named her and I do refer to her by her name. I'm not posting it here because I don't post my name here and like to remain anonymous like most of the member, but might talk about this elsewhere. Just don't want the link drawn.

Dalesys, I read the lyrics you linked. I think it will be a while before I'm able to look up the song and listen just because I don't think I can emotionally take it right now. It's beautiful, though.

[CloserToSane]

I am very sorry Cookie, I'll be thinking of you and your husband.

[raudf]

Oh no! I'm so very sorry, Cookie. Just know that at least here, even if you can't reveal everything, you can at least type it up and let it out.

[Mishi]

I am so, so sorry *massive hugs*

[Cookie]

Thanks again, everyone. I've been able to talk to some friends in person now and they've been amazing. I went to the Doctor's today and have to go back in on Monday. Apparently, not even the miscarriage is going normally. The whole thing is very emotionally draining. I want to be done so I can start to heal. Sitting in a waiting room full of obviously pregnant women and a mother with a newborn was incredibly hard.

[Cia]

Miscarrying totally and absolutely sucks rocks.

Sitting in an OB/GYN waiting room holding a cup containing your little lima bean sprout so you can give it to the doctor to be tested sucked so bad I just went home, curled up w/ my kitty and cried. I miscarried at 9 weeks on 11 Sept 2000 - yep remember the date. Miscarried on my younger brother's birthday and the baby was due on my older brother's wedding anniversary. The doctor said it was a blighted ovum.

Hope you're feeling better Cookie and don't need a D&C.

[MistressOfTangents]

I am so very sorry Cookie, I'll be thinking of you and your husband and wishing you both healing.

[Cookie]

I went to the doc's again today. The diagnosis has changed. Right now, we don't know if the baby is still growing or not, which is maddening. However, we do believe now that the pregnancy is ectopic. That means things are more dangerous now for me. If the baby is still growing, that could be life threatening. If not, we still need the miscarriage to complete on its own. Otherwise, I need to go for medication via a needle and then be monitored.

Doing a bit of crying and a whole lot of anger and frustration directed at no one and nothing in particular besides the situation as a whole. In the end, no matter what is going on the result is the same. I still lose my baby. The question seems to be how f***ed up the situation can get until it's all resolved.

[Teysa]

I am so sorry you're having to go through all of this. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

[Amanita]

Aww, hugs!
Go figure, I picked up "The Pagan Book of Living and Dying" and read a bit of it today. There's some beautiful poems and prayers in there for people dealing with all types of loss, which can be adapted to be used by people of many traditions and belief systems. And there's a lovely piece for those who've suffered miscarriage. I'm not sure if posting it openly on the forum is Kosher (properly attributed of course!), but if you like, I can PM you with the text.

[Cookie]

I finally have some good news to add here. Despite the likelyhood that the pregnancy was ectopic, it appears everything is finally resolving. If they didn't, we had been on the verge of giving me medication to help, which is essentially a very low dose chemo drug. I didn't want to go there if I could avoid it.

I had been having blood drawn twice a week to keep an eye on me and last time I finally got to go a whole week before going back to get more blood drawn. My arms are so scarred from so many blood draws that my already difficult veins are about impossible to get to. It basically went like this:

MAKING WHITE FOR THOSE WITH NEEDLE ISSUES

Needle #1 goes in right arm. Nothing. Attempt to find vein. Fail.
Needle #2 goes in left arm. Nothing. Attempt to find vein. Fail. Leave needle in arm with tourniquet on to go find nurse to help. A couple of minutes go by. Girl runs back to remove tourniquet since she didn't want to leave it on too long, try finding vein with needle still in arm. Fail. Leaves needle in still to find nurse.
Nurse comes in, removes the needle, gets a fresh one. After feeling both arms, goes for back of hand.

So I was very relieve to get a call from the doc today to let me know my HCG was down to almost nothing and there's no point in drawing more blood. At least without constant visits, I can maybe start healing in other ways, too. I'm already physically feeling so much better.

[RootedPhoenix]

*hugshugshugsHUGS*

I...words are so useless. *just hugs you and your husband*

Love you. Because I do, even all the way over here. <3