Tweet
This is completely OT, but I've always found it hilarious and all this talk about chili reminded me of it. Some may find it a little offensive, so feel free to skip. Or mods, feel free to delete and PM with where to post it if this isn't appropriate.
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank visiting from the East Coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous Celebrity in a town on the southern plains where I was visiting with friends. In that capacity I was to be a judge at a chili cook-off, mostly because no one else wanted to do it, but also because the original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges, natives of the area, that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy Mackeral, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it! Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one! These people are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, but needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manuever. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting snockered!
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, but not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is beginning to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili#5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really honks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Damned rednecks!
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I'm worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of the hole where my mouth used to be. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match my goddamn shirt. At least at the autopsy they'll know what killed me! I've decided to stop breathing as it's too painful. To hell with it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through that goddamn 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending! This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dumb Yankee!
FRANK: ------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report).
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank visiting from the East Coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous Celebrity in a town on the southern plains where I was visiting with friends. In that capacity I was to be a judge at a chili cook-off, mostly because no one else wanted to do it, but also because the original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges, natives of the area, that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy Mackeral, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it! Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one! These people are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, but needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manuever. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting snockered!
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, but not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is beginning to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili#5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really honks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Damned rednecks!
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I'm worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of the hole where my mouth used to be. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match my goddamn shirt. At least at the autopsy they'll know what killed me! I've decided to stop breathing as it's too painful. To hell with it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through that goddamn 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending! This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dumb Yankee!
FRANK: ------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report).
). I Just wasn't sure if it was made in Texas or New Mexico... I know it was that area... it's the same area that TexMex comes from... and chili is DEFINITELY TexMex...
(the CSF learning center receptionist makes the best chile stew ever, I used to be the only one brave enough to have it for breakfast)
)
Comment