The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Saint Patrick,

Thanks for the heads up. If you're interested, I'd like for you to be my best man at my wedding.

Sincerely,

Easter Freak



Dear Bar Manager,

You had no right to ban me! All I did was whiz through the place while knocking over everything in my path. I demand you lift the ban and give me free drinks for life. If you don't, I will zip through the bar wearing nothing while singing the national anthem.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Tornado

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Tornado,

As they say, if you sow the wind, you reap the whirlwind. The ban is in place, but you know what, here's a thousand dollars enclosed in a check. You see, I want you to go whirl around naked and singing the national anthem at Flame-Ingo's Bar. You see, that fiery hothead could stand to be knocked down a peg, or a wall, and I can think of nobody better than you.

So go blow his way, my dear airhead. Just remember never to come back here.

Signed,

Miss Eartha Stone,

Owner of Rock Solid Bar.

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Dear Vice Grip Insurance,

How dare you cancel my policy? I did absolutely nothing wrong. I simply found that my house was too hot, so I corrected it by filling up my bathtub so that it flooded, spraying everything in my house with water, and then turning my air conditioner on to full blast. I like my house to be cold as ice, just like I like my food and my boyfriends. I even drive a specifically modified car, which I call my Coldsmobile, for goodness' sake!

How dare you cancel my flood and homeowner policies? I've done nothing wrong, and I expect my money back. If you won't reinstate me, for free, and return all my money, I'm going to go to your building, light a lighter under your fire sprinklers, and then spray your whole place with a fire extinguisher so make it much more comfortable for me.

SIgned,

Miss Winter Frost.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Frost,

What you did was insurance fraud so you won't receive any money from us. However, there will be a nice cell with no heat waiting for you once you're arrested.

Sincerely,

H. O. Nest
Insurance Manager



Dear State Mayor,

Where do you get off calling a state of emergency? All we're getting is some snow which is natural for this time of year. I demand you drop the state of emergency at once. If you don't, I will take the caps off the fire hydrants and spray the water all over the city.

Sincerely,

Nota Bigdeal

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Bigdeal

We are so glad to inform you that your wife is finally recovering and returning to sanity. The treatments Dr. X. have been giving her have had amazing results. It'll be safe to see her by next week, we're sure of it.
Just remember, don't mention Sub-Zero or Mr. Freeze around her. They can still cause her to regress.

Sincerely,

Nurse Y, personal assistant to Dr. X, of You'll Never See Them Again Asylum.

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Dear Mr. Rip Off's Bargain Bin,

I went to your store to take advantage of your drastically lowered prices on your merchandise, like everyone does. I found so many things on sale that I just had to buy them. Unequal artificial sweetener, Excessive headache medicine, Pseudo-fed cold reliever . . . I just spent my whole paycheck there.

Well, Unequal sweetener had a picture of all those happy white men on it, so I thought it would make me happy too. And the medicines were just the right price - dirt cheap. I even bought cheap dirt at your store!

Well, I used the Unequal sweetener in my coffee and found I had quite a big problem. The first package was just right when I put it in my cup of coffee. So when I put in another package for my second cup, I found that it was too sweet! Well, I figured I could live with that and used another package for my third cup of coffee. This time, it was so bitter I could barely taste any sweetener at all! Then when I tried a fourth and final cup, it was sweeter than ever!
It's as if each package has a different amount, like the level of sweetener in Unequal was not the same per pack.

And the Excessive headache medicine certainly relieved my headache. In fact, it relieved all my pain so I couldn't feel anything all day.

As for Pseudo-fed, that was supposed to make my cold go away, but it didn't actually do anything. It was like I'd taken a placebo. Did someone make a pretend version or a sham and put it in my Pseudo-fed?

Well, naturally I took everything I bought straight to your store again and tried to return it, only to be told all sales are final on opened merchandise! What? How dare you? Your store is a fraud!

So what if I did throw a temper tantrum, rip a planogram right out of the floor, destroy an endcap, tear the tag off a pillow, and squeeze the Charming toilet paper? I have a right to after the shabby way I was treated!

I demand a million dollars in compensation for my stress and trauma, as well as a personal shopper and the right to return whatever I've bought, opened or not, and without a receipt.

My husband is a cop and I know personally from him that you can't sell this stuff. Your whole store is illegal. So if you don't do what I command, I will sic him on you and watch him destroy your store and your life, Mr. Rip Off. Oh yes, I will.

Signed, Mrs. X. Tortion, wife of Officer X. Tortion.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Tortion,

I have informed your husband about your incident in our store. He is currently trying to get a warrent for your arrest and has filed for divorce.

Sincerely,

C. Heap
Bargain Store Owner



Der inglish teachir,

were du you git off faling me? all i did was writ a esay fur yur clas. i dimand yu giv me a A+. if yu don't, i wil post on facebuk dat yu don't no how to teech.

Sinsirly,

S. T. Ruggling

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Ruggling,

I'm sorry that You seem to have dysgraphia. I have enclosed a brochure on psychological services with specialties in learning disabilities. Please take advantage of them.

Sincerely,

Smith Jung

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Dear Newsmonth,

I read about your coverage of the local Pride Parade. I saw a picture of two men kissing. I can't believe that you would include that picture. I don't want my kids to think that kind of thing I saw in that picture is acceptable. I don't have a problem with gay men, but wearing soccer shorts with cowboy boots is just downright offensive.

If I see men doing that, I'm telling them to drop their shorts.

Sincerely,

Austin Amarillo

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Amarillo,

Thanks for bringing your concern to our attention. We will be posting an apology article in the next issue since you're not the only one who complained about the picture.

Sincerely.

R. E. Grets
Editor



Dear Department Store Manager,

You had no right to arrest me! All I did was grab some jewelry, go to the security camera, open my purse, and put the jewelry inside while waving to the camera. I demand you drop the charges and give me a $400 gift card to make up for my arrest. If you don't, I will make a video of me putting perfume into my purse and post it on Youtube and Facebook.

Sincerely,

Ida Dumbshoplifter

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Dumbshoplifter,

We had every right to have you arrested. You see, we do not want you to put things into your purse until after you have paid for them. We're not dropping anything.

Sincerely,

Miss Diamond Caret.

Upper Crust Department Store Manager.

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Dear Charon Styx Cruises,

I cheated my sister out of his, er, I mean, I won a free cruise on one of your new Heavenward luxury liners to Central America, where we would go to such places as Ghosta Rica, El Spectredor, Panaphantoma, Hauntduras, and Geistamala.

According to the cruise directions at the start, given to us by cruise director Circe Madea Pandora, if we obeyed the local customs and behaved properly, both on the ship and on the land stops, we'd have a wonderful time and find real blessings from the spirit world.
But if we defied the local customs, behaved badly, and a whole list of other things I just stopped paying attention to, the spirits would be angry and we'd have Hell to pay.

Well, I want you to know that I have had the worst cruise of my entire life! Strange things kept happening to me right from the start, and I kept seeing images of my brother in the bathroom mirror until I finally smashed the mirror. No, I'm not paying for it! And he kept being paged, when he was not on the ship at all.

But it was when we got to Ghosta Rica that things really went bed. So what if I did pick something up from a sacred site and not put it back, but kept it for myself and not tell anyone? It's my treasure now and I won't give it up! Admittedly, it was after that that my cruise really turned to Hell on sea, but really.

How dare the rubber raft that I was on spring a sudden leak? How dare the glass I'm drinking from suddenly break while I'm drinking from it? How dare the fire sprinklers suddenly go off in the middle of the night all over me while I'm trying to sleep? And there was absolutely no reason that the two boys throwing water balloons to each other, should suddenly have a balloon deflect off the wall and hit me in the face when my face is covered in cosmetic mud from my facial! Where was their mother, anyway?

And no, I do not accept responsibility for getting drunk and pushing that man overboard. I told the bartender I didn't want any alcoholic drink, yet he slipped me one anyway, and that man crashed into me and then tumbled.

This is the word cruise I ever cheated to win, and it was nothing but torment from the start!

I expect a million dollars and free cruises for life, with the best cabin on the ship! If you won't let me have it, I'll bring along an exorcist the next time I feel like going on a cruise I don't pay for. See all your fancy haunted locals when the ghosts there are all driven away! Your business will be ruined!

And make these damned ghosts stop bothering me! They just will not quit monkeying around with my electronics!

Signed,

Mr. Finn Agler.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Agler,

Your sister informed me of the situation and your behavior was atrocious. Therefore, you are banned from the cruise and you must redeem yourself in order to break the curse.

Sincerely,

B. Oat
Cruise Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off hiring teenagers? Don't you realize that adults need jobs and that teenagers just socialize and don't do any work? I demand you fire all teenagers and hire only adults from now on. If you don't, I will sue your store for underage employment.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Judgmental

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Judgmental

Some teenagers have a poor work ethic, while others work so hard they put adults to shame. And yes, I do hire teenagers, but not exclusively. I hire whomever I feel is the best qualified for the position. Just because I fired your adult son for insulting the customers, and the other staff, doesn't mean I've broken labor laws. In fact, keeping him would have gotten me a hostile workplace suit, and I'm not having that.

Sincerely, Ms. Farrah Dealer,

Bestmarket Manager,

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Dear Supermen Cleaning Agency,

It's been some time since I hired the Lioness agency to get rid of the mice and rats in my house, and they did, but they refused to come a third time unless I did something about the mess of my house. In fact, Leona Pride herself finally met me somewhere and handed me a card for your Supermen Cleaning Agency, and told me I was to call them and stay out of their way.

And so I called you guys, and your all-male team, which I viewed as an improvement over the all-female Lioness team, began to clean my house up, but every time they touched anything, it was special to me, something I was saving. I couldn't let them mishandle my precious stuff. Then, one of them cut his hand on some of my collection of green rocks and said the men couldn't continue. The leader even said that they had to leave because this was a job for the Wonder Women Cleaning Agency.

I demand you send your sorry, inferior little men back to my house, and not only will you clean it for free so Lioness will agree to take care of my new roach problem, but that you give me back all my money and free service for a year.

Just don't touch my piles of collectibles all over the place. I just love my stuff and can't let it get damaged by overly strong, insensitive hands.

If you don't, I'll collect the roaches and spread them all over your business! Your name won't be Supermen Cleaning Agency any more, it'll be mud! And I'll even bring my video camera, once I find it in all my mess, and use it to film your business covered in roaches. Then you'll all be on your knees begging me not to send the video to America's Most Disgusting Home Videos! Take that!

Signed,

Mr. Tras H. Keeper.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Keeper,

Those "green rocks" were actually broken beer bottles. Our cleaner cut his hand when he tried to brace himself after you pushed him. He was trying to throw away a newspaper that was dated August 24, 1987. That is not a very significant date. We had to call the Wonder Women Cleaning Agency because the job is too big for us alone, especially since you keep getting in our way.

If you don't stop interfering with our jobs, we will call Adult Protective Services and the Health Department. They will probably condemn your house and have it torched.

Sincerely,

Ken T. Clark, Supermen Cleaning Agency

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Dear B.o.B.,

How could you say that the Earth is flat? Is the Earth as flat as your brain waves?

I know what you're really up to. You're trying to turn our children into a bunch of uneducated troglodytes so they drop out of high school just like you. You're conspiring with that Hitler loving Tila Tequila. I have proof of your plot. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Noid,

You've been reading the Discworld series by the late, great Terry Pratchett. Wonderful as those books are, they are fiction, and Mr. Pratchett never pretended otherwise.

Thank you for your patronage.

Sincerely,
Cy N. Sfiction, proprietor,
Bundles of Books

* * * * *

Dear Fashion Store,

Your service is terrible. The only person on the floor was talking to someone else, and when I demanded service, she said she was helping the other person and would be with me shortly. Well, I'm far too important to wait, and I told her so!

Next thing you know, mall security are hauling me out of the store! I've never been so humiliated in my life, except for the other five stores that also did that to me.

I demand a million dollars in gift cards, and insist that you retrain your employees to stop what they're doing and serve me and only me when I come to your store!

Sincerely,
Sue Percilious

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Percilious,

We thank you for shopping at Capri Cious Fashions, where we have everything from Capri pants to, well, whatever strikes us to have in stock at any given moment. Our only standard is that it must be in fashion and beautiful. Luckily for us, fashions seem to change as often as our moods do.

And quite bluntly, our employee just didn't feel like bothering with you. You were not important enough. If you came in an hour or two later, you would probably have been waited on hand and foot, but you hit the wrong time.

Right now, I'm feeling generous, and so I'm going to send you some coupons, but we may or may not honor them depending on how we feel.

Mercurially yours,

Mr. I. M. Pulsive, owner of Capri Cious Fashions.

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Dear Hoyle Greeting Cards,

I went into your store to buy a card for my sweetie for Valentine's Day because your store, crazy as it is, was the only one left in town. What a weird store, where every single card you stock is a mix of a greeting card and a playing card.

Your Four Aces Happy Birthday card, for example, and your Queen of Spades line of Halloween cards, and, of course, your Thinking Of You 6 of Hearts card.

I searched through your wares, but couldn't find any Queen of Hearts Valentine's Day cards, which your store is famous for. Your employees said that everyone else had already bought you out a couple of days beforehand, and the store hadn't received its shipment of replenishment stock yet.

Well, I was angry, but I didn't do anything about it. Instead, I grabbed one of your workers by his neck and forced him to come along with me to find a suitable card. He led me to your Joker cards, which he said are deliberately wild cards that can be used to replace any other card. But I found those Joker cards disgusting, and I forced him to bring me to more cards.

He brought me to his last possible alternative, the Queen of Diamonds cards which don't say anything, but have slots to hold money and gift cards. But those cards were the most expensive cards you sold! No way I was going to buy that!

Finally, a man came in to return a Queen of Hearts Valentine's Day card because he and his fiancé had broken up, him having caught her in bed with another man. He had a receipt, so the return was accepted. And I saw my chance and grabbed it. Literally. As soon as the return was done, I grabbed the card and ran with it.

Your employees told me that to take the card without paying for it was stealing, and that I wouldn't be able to pay for it because it wasn't supposed to be back in the inventory or something like that. Well, I fought your male employee, and finally beat him by overturning a rack full of cards on top of him, then stomping him.

Your female employee ran to the phone and called the police, so I took the card and ran.

And I gave the card to my sweetie, but because of the resulting battle, the card was badly deformed and warped, and when I told my sweetie about how I had gotten it to explain it, she told me that she never wanted to see me again!

So I demand that I be allowed to return this card, and a million dollars for my aggravation. Plus I demand that I always be given a perfect, immaculate copy of every single new card your company makes, for life!

And if you don't, not only will I came to your store with a blowtorch and incinerate every card in your business, but I will also create my own greeting card company and make myself a fortune, with you out of business. And I will grab that useless male employee again and make him help me do it! If he won't, I'll incinerate him!

Signed,

Mr. Ram Page.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Page,

We are pressing charges for shoplifting and your arson threats. Therefore, the only thing you'll be getting is a prison sentence.

Sincerely,

D. Eckofcards
Manager



Dear Pizza Shop Manager,

I came to your shop to order a pizza and your rude employee had the nerve to tell me that they don't open for another couple hours. Obviously, he was lying since there were employees working in the shop which means that you're open. I demand you fire the rude employee and give me a dozen large pizzas for free. If you don't, I will call 911, have the operator force you to make my pizzas, and then burn down the shop.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Pizza

[XCashier]

Dear Mrs. Pizza,

Clearly you do not understand what goes into running a pizza restaurant. We have to open early to prepare the food: dough needs to be made and proofed, sauce made, cheese shredded, veggies and meats sliced, and everything placed in its proper container. Not only that, we have to count down the tills and get change if needed, do any cleaning the night crew missed, and make the dining room presentable for the day's patrons. That takes time and personnel, that is why there were several employees in the store before it opened.

You will not receive any free pizzas, and your letter has been forwarded to the police and a paper trail started. Any mischief from you, and you'll be enjoying your next several years worth of meals courtesy of the Greybar Hotel.

Sincerely,
Andy Pasto, owner
Andy's Pizzaria

* * * * *

Dear store manager,

I fancy myself quite the witty fellow. I regularly amuse my friends and family with my witty quips. The other day I went shopping at your store, and took my items to the register. One had a badly-printed UPC code, and when the cashier tried to scan it, it wouldn't read. So I said, "Hey, if it doesn't scan, it must be free!"

Imagine my astonishment that she did not fall to the floor laughing at my marvelous quip! I mean, it was a comic masterpiece! But all she did was close her eyes for a moment, then type the code into the register!

I have never been so insulted in my life! I am the King of Comedy, and this peasant refused to laugh! For shame! I demand that you fire her and replace her with some good little sycophants who know when they're supposed to laugh for their betters! If you don't, I'll make my next comedy routine about your crummy store.

Sincerely,
Hack Neyd-Jokes