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Grand Theft Auto: Not as Fun as the Videogame
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Old 03-08-2015, 06:45 AM
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Post Grand Theft Auto: Not as Fun as the Videogame

Well, because of the area I live and work, we have a fair share of bogans. The suburb is upscale in some areas, trailer-park worthy in others, and also fairly well known as the sort of place you can score some of the "not as bad as meth" drugs.

The bogan can be somewhat accurately described as an urbanized red-neck. It's also not that accurate, because there are a lot of subtle differences. I might actually go post them somewhere else.

This is important info, I promise. Because the Bogan is also the Champion of Poor Decision Making.

Four weeks ago, a Bogan I shall call Tim called into our fine DIY establishment to hire out a vehicle from us. I and my coworker at the time were slightly suspicious, as some utter twit had called earlier to ask if he could hire a vehicle to drive across the ENTIRE FRAKKIN COUNTRY, RIGHT TO THE OTHER SIDE. He seemed bewildered when we said no.

No fear though, the cross country nitwit was Irish. Tim was definitely an all Aussie bogan. You could tell from the Southern Cross tattoos, the broad accent, and the way he didn't really seem to feel the need to wear a damn shirt inside a store. Tim wanted our vehicle for one day. We got his license details, his deposit, and sent Tim on his merry way.

Tim did not come back the next day. Tim was not answering his phone. Tim did not respond to the messages left on his phone. This made our manager suspicious, but this isn't uncommon here. Some people take longer than they should. We just charge them an extra day plus the kilometers they used.

Tim did not return the next day. Or the day after. Calling his phone resulted in him hanging up. Oh dear. The vehicle tracking shows that the vehicle is now four hours away in a town down south.

On day four, I answered the phone, and to my surprise, it's Tim! He didn't call though. He didn't even realise he'd butt-dialed our number! On this butt-dial, Tim reveals that "hah, those fuckin' {insert store name here} wankers bin callin' again aye! Fuckin' stressin' and shit! [Poor imitation of the trade bosses voice] Tim, if you do not return the vehicle the police will be notified." A girl laughs in the background and says. "What a fuckin' poofta!" Tim laughs and says "Yeah, fuckin call the coppers, I don't give a shit aye." The sheer eloquence of the conversation blows my mind.

At this point I go and tell the trade manager. The trade manager nearly puts his foot clear through his desk. He's tried to be nice to the guy. He and my partner even left a message that if Tim brought back the vehicle, all fines and charges for the late return would be nullified. They just wanted the thing back.

So the coppers were called. They go to the address on his license. It's his Dads! At a retirement home...how the hell Tim managed to get that on his license is beyond me. Maybe it's a fake. Old man Tim is extremely unhelpful to the police. He doesn't like cops it seems. Tim's had multiple run ins with police, and each time, miraculously, it was because the police were unfairly picking on him, according to his old man.

So Tim's in the wind. Now, as I write this, it's been nearly a month. Tim hasn't been caught yet, but the vehicle tracking stopped somewhere about an hour away from here. It's a well known bogan suburb. I should know. The worst half of my own family migrated down there. Wouldn't be surprised if Tim turned out to know them.

AS for poor decisions, Tim now faces (as far as I know): The Aussie version of GTA (the far less exciting 'Steal Motor Vehicle'), with all the fines/jail time that entails, all the late charges and kilometers he's racked up at our store, aaaand he's also looking a a domestic violence charge unrelated to his vehicle theft. All of which will total more than the 5+ year old vehicle is worth.

Like I said. Bogans: The Champions of Poor Decision Making.

As for those confused as to why driving all the way across Australia is a stupid idea....it's 45 hours. That's without stopping to pee eat or sleep, by the way. It's also assuming that you're going full speed to whole time. It's also also assuming you have a car that can handle that voyage and that you yourself have adequately prepared for it. Long stretches without petrol food or water through a desert in a country where 40 degrees (Celcius) is a normal and expected Summer temperature. Some folks die trying to drive across this place.
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Old 03-08-2015, 06:56 AM
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I do hope we will get updates on Tim's progress on his epic journey. It might even make a good reality show.
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Old 03-08-2015, 07:49 AM
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Gotta love a parent who seems to actively SUPPORT this guy. I'm surprised the cops didn't tell him off for that. -.-

I should add that having those above elements alone does not make one a bogan. For instance, one of my former managers has a southern cross tattoo, but is quite more "refined." The closest he got to "bogan" was a vegas wedding (I am not making this up. )

I will happily contribute to Latekin's bogan post.
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Old 03-08-2015, 08:04 AM
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The Legend of Tim the Enchanter Bogan! Actually, it would make a good miniseries.

I'm hoping to post updates as I get them, but we live in a large state. It could take the police a while to find out where the heck Tim's gone. Doubt he'll jump states though, most Bogans round here have a pretty well defined territorial range. Most of them tend to coincide with train lines.

My partner should be home in about an hour or so. He's going over the hiring department today, so I'll ask about potential Tim updates.

Fireheart, Tim's old boy seems to be bogan bordering on derro (a derro, for all the non-Australians is like a bogan, but with a higher chance of meth use/spray-paint and glue sniffing/unexpected violent outbursts). He's been in trouble with the law a few times himself, but the coppers can't pull him in because he claims he hasn't seen Tim in years. Sure thing pops.

No offence about the Southern Cross tattoos either. It's just that, in this suburb those tattoos in conjunction with a few other factors usually means 'bogan who is going to say mildly racist things in the course of an unrelated conversation.'
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Old 03-08-2015, 10:51 AM
eltf177 eltf177 is offline
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This has the potential to be epic, please keep us updated!

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Old 03-08-2015, 11:13 AM
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First update!

Tim's not been caught yet, but his Dad did come in to yell at various people. He wanted my partner to call off the police, which is something that you can do apparently.
Even for the domestic assault case. Because according to Old man Methpants, Tims wife "fuckin deserved it for bein' such a mouthy c$@t!"
What a charming man.

He left under his own power after about 5 minutes of insanity, apparently.

At this point I suspect they're trying not to bring the father into custody because they're waiting for Tim to show up to his place, or for him to go meet Tim somewhere.
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Old 03-08-2015, 11:34 AM
Gilhelmi Gilhelmi is offline
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Uhmm. I live in Kansas, and I have driven to New York State before to visit relatives (that is about a 3 day trip, 8 hour/day. A week if I start Antiquing and museum hopping.). Renting a car seems like a viable option.

Of course, I do not have a large desert to cross. One that if you break down in, you will probably die if you are not prepared.... You win again Aussies for somehow surviving your country.
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Old 03-08-2015, 11:52 AM
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Quote:
Quoth Gilhelmi View Post
Of course, I do not have a large desert to cross. One that if you break down in, you will probably die if you are not prepared.... You win again Aussies for somehow surviving your country.
Most of us (the sane ones that is) will never attempt to cross that desert in our lifetimes. We may look at it from 30,000 feet or watch a documentary about someone trying to ride a push bike across it.

The rest of us are happy living on the edge - the east edge or the west edge that is. That's why there are 23 million people in Australia and 319 million in the USA. The USA is mostly the same land area as Australia. (USA: 9,857,306 kmē Vs Au: 7,692,024 kmē)

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Old 03-08-2015, 12:19 PM
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Quote:
Quoth Gilhelmi View Post
Of course, I do not have a large desert to cross. One that if you break down in, you will probably die if you are not prepared.... You win again Aussies for somehow surviving your country.
Pretty much any kid learns from an early stage to BE PREPARED. Most schools at least have one camp where you wind up "roughing it" for a period of time, while a number of schools also mandate "outdoor education" for secondary school kids for a period of time. Most kids also join the Scouts or Guides and learn this stuff too. (Scouts over here are co-ed, Guides are not. My sister is a Rover* and also leads a Joey mob.) I remember spending many days with my sister helping her put her Scout scarf together. (I hold one corner, she holds the other, she gradually rolls it in to a certain point, I then let go and she "whips" it into place somehow)

*-Rover is basically the 18-25 year olds who still want to be part of Scouts. The age groups over here are Joeys (5-7), Cubs (8-10), Scouts (10.5-14), Venturers (14-18). They also have a nice uniform: navy shirts with their scarf and woggle (scarf I believe is unique to each Scout Hall, so Joeys and Cubs from the same Scout hall will have the same scarf while Joeys from two different halls will not), tan pants and shoes. The navy shirts have a different colour on their shoulders to state which group is which: off the top of my head Joeys are tan, Cubs are Yellow, Scouts are green, Venturers are Maroon and Rovers are red, while adult leaders wear navy.
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Old 03-08-2015, 12:40 PM
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Quote:
Quoth Gilhelmi View Post
Uhmm. I live in Kansas, and I have driven to New York State before to visit relatives (that is about a 3 day trip, 8 hour/day. A week if I start Antiquing and museum hopping.). Renting a car seems like a viable option.

Of course, I do not have a large desert to cross. One that if you break down in, you will probably die if you are not prepared.... You win again Aussies for somehow surviving your country.
I got my time estimate from Google Maps, so maybe it's not all that accurate. But the same set of maps tells me that from the middle of Kansas to New York is 20 hours non stop. Think double your time to get there plus another shorter day of driving.

Australia's actually a pretty big place.

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Patient has severely impacted cranial rectosis. There's probably no cure. - Overheard in ER
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