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Might be a better month this time; you never know, right?
Aquarius
Life is like a basket of eggs. Some of them taste good and some of them are rotten. To determine whether an egg is fresh, however, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh and you can eat it. If it rises to the surface, throw it in the direction of the nearest politician. Who knows, such an encounter might even win you the five minutes of fame you so desperately crave. You'd run naked down the high street to get even the slightest bit of attention, tho in this weather that might not be a good idea. Also, it's not very fair to inflict such a terrible sight on everyone else, now is it? Just for a change, spend some time concentrating on your senses. The only reason you see things as you do is because of the way the light falls on them. Look out for things that make the difference.
Pisces
Something smells fishy to you this month. Deep in your cups, you rant and rave to everyone who has the misfortune to encounter you of your beliefs that there is a higher power controlling your every move. Guess what, there is a higher power watching over you. It’s called the Government. Any others are purely figments of the over active imagination of someone in the throes of advanced madness and too much Special Brew. It will not be a good month for you this month. Maybe things will improve for you next month, but I doubt it. After a really bad day at school or work, you will go home and consume an entire half gallon of Ben & Jerry ice cream and never speak of it to anyone you know. But they will know your shame cuz it's written all over your face. Tip: Summer is over so stop wearing sandals.
Aries
Don’t pay any attention to the negative comments people say about you. You never listen to a word anyone says usually, so why should this time be any difference? The bag lady who lives down the road is out to get you cuz you wronged her in a previous life. An invisible sea monster lives inside your washing machine and will eat one of each pair of your socks. You have suspected this for some time but beware; do not attempt to find the monster as it will bite off one of your hands if you do. You have a few skeletons in your closet. Every single one of them deserved it. But here’s the bad thing, the skeletons are fighting to break out. Make sure your closet door is locked and bolted. If the skeletons come out they will haunt you for the rest of your life. That will not give a good impression to others, like you need to do this week.
Taurus
How can your mirror and your camera have such completely different ideas of what you look like? Hmm… Mirrors don't lie. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either. Here's a tip for you; while you believe that ripping your shirt and turning into a big green rage monster whenever someone insults you is actually the best way to behave, it's not. For one thing, it is ruinous to your wardrobe and you will not have any shirts left at all if you don't quit with the histronics. You may meet a lot of strange people this month and you will wish some conversations came with a fast-forward button. Nonetheless, you will be just fine if you remember that every person has a story to tell, which is why you should not talk to anyone, ever. Warning: Smile. Tomorrow is another day. Or at least, it will be if you smile; otherwise, I wouldn't like to say.
Gemini
Just throw out that pair of jeans. You know exactly why, don’t make me tell you. Your two facedness continues to make you enemies while you carry on blissfully and ignorant in your daily life. Every morning, your neighbour can hear you singing in the shower. Do everyone a favor and put a sock in it, would you? You might think otherwise, but trust me; you couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. The colour white is unlucky for you, so is red wine. Do the maths. You will discover a new talent this week; don’t bother showing anyone, it’s not all that impressive. If you're a smoker, smoke more. It's good for the economy. If you are a nonsmoker, then telling a smoker to give up on Thursday will net you a black eye. Beware; every time you do something stupid, God kills a kitten. You are guilty of mass kitticide, you monster.
Cancer
You will be flattered this month when someone tells you that you remind them of a superhero. Unfortunately, it's actually Tony Stark you remind them of; arrogant, obnoxious and basically a total jerk. Still, at least you can hang on to a few friends who feel that it's better that you like them rather than hate them. They don't want you for an enemy, believe me, cuz when you get a grudge, you nurse it forever. Instead of doing this, for a change, try not to be so crabby. It will bode well for your blood pressure in the future. A word of warning; family members will tend to pester you with their sage advice this month. No matter how annoying they get remember that therapy is expensive but bubble wrap is for free. Bright colours are unlucky for you this month so wear black; just try not to look like a goth as you will never carry it off convincingly. Tip: Vodka and orange does NOT count as one of your "five a day" so stop kidding yourself.
Leo
You should really make amends with that friend that you had a fight with a few months ago; if you do, you’ll get to go to go to their birthday party, where you’ll make out with some drunk person who is viewing you thru very foggy beer goggles. Treasure it, as it'll be the only human contact you'll get this month. You still struggle to count to ten without using your fingers; you're not very bright, are you? Cheese is unlucky for you, so try to avoid it this week. Your idea of being different is dressing like everyone else. You are a conformist tool and are rightly hated by everyone. Here's some advice; shouting down your mobile phone in public does not make people think you're a successful business person, but a loud moronic idiot. A long lost friend or family member will contact you this week. Don’t get excited; they just want to borrow money.
Virgo
Don’t double-cross anyone this week, not even a little. Your gain today will cost you major karma points in the future and your karma bank is already overdrawn so you should not risk it. Quit messing around on the internet and do a little housework for a change; tip, it's not normal to have mice making a nest in your underwear drawer and cobwebs hanging in the microwave. If anyone visits your house before you clean up, they will think you are a slob. You will have extreme emotional ups and downs this week. It’s nothing astrological; you’re just as crazy as a bag of cats. A Capricorn will tell a joke to you next week, and you will laugh way after everyone else does; about five days after when you finally work out the punchline. Warning: Beware of the dog. I really mean it this time; there is a dog who's out to get you this month so you'd better watch out.
Libra
I predict a bad month for you. Before you moan, just remember that time you shoved a Virgo on to the floor just so you could get your greasy mitts on that marked down skirt in the sale. Cuz of that incident, karma is going to come and bite you in your butt. Shopping may take your mind off it, but that might just be cuz you have no mind to speak of. By the way, warming something frozen up in the microwave and then adding some garlic salt does not make you a chef. In fact, your cooking is so bad that people have been known to eat the container rather than risk your home cooking. You have been known to burn salad. Your overly bubbly attitude gives everyone you know a headache. Looking at the glass half full all the time doesn’t make you optimistic, it makes you a moron. Sometimes, that glass really is half empty, so there's no point in being a Cleopatra.
Scorpio
Sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind. So just get over it and smack the guy already. You know who I'm talking about; and he's been asking for it for months. Also, he's not a Cancer so you'll be safe from hideous revenge afterwards. The trees are out to get you, and CIA agents have been spotted hanging around outside your house. Are you sure you didn't leave your garage unlocked? It might be best to go back and make sure. Although you think you are a born leader, the rest of the world sees you for the pushy pain in the butt that you really are. Hundreds of people will attend your funeral, but only to make sure that you're really dead. Tip: If you love something set it free. If it comes back; kill it, have it stuffed, and hang it on the wall.
Sagittarius
You’ve been letting your anger get the better of you lately. You must learn to forgive your enemies. Nothing will annoy them more. Your friends are planning an intervention. Your love for world domination is really beginning to weird everyone out. You really must learn to take time off from your day job to relax a bit. Let's face it, if there was going to be someone to rule the world, it would not be a Sagittarius, trust me on this. Beware of friendly looking dogs this month. Our sources tell us they’ve been conspiring against you. Also avoid pink pillows that wink in the dark and chairs that appear to mock you as you walk by. Your neighbour is beginning to realize that you have been spying on him. It’s best to remove all the surveillance equipment perched over the wall. Deny that you ever had a neighbor if the police come to question you.
Capricorn
Control your road rage. Remember, you aren’t going to get there any faster if you have to find a place to dump the body and blood is a pain in the neck to get out of a white shirt. But seriously; you need to relax. No-one saw you do it, the alibi is airtight, and there is no suspicion at all. Unless the police are reading this... in which case, you'd better scratch together some money to use as a bribe. Just some friendly advice; being loud and wrong doesn’t make you right. It just lets everyone around you know you’re proud of not knowing what the hell you’re talking about. This puts you on the same level as most politicians. You have a tendency to be overcritical and you’re not afraid to show it. Not as many people have as thick skin (or as thick a head) as you, so lay off and people will stop keying your car.
Aquarius
Life is like a basket of eggs. Some of them taste good and some of them are rotten. To determine whether an egg is fresh, however, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh and you can eat it. If it rises to the surface, throw it in the direction of the nearest politician. Who knows, such an encounter might even win you the five minutes of fame you so desperately crave. You'd run naked down the high street to get even the slightest bit of attention, tho in this weather that might not be a good idea. Also, it's not very fair to inflict such a terrible sight on everyone else, now is it? Just for a change, spend some time concentrating on your senses. The only reason you see things as you do is because of the way the light falls on them. Look out for things that make the difference.
Pisces
Something smells fishy to you this month. Deep in your cups, you rant and rave to everyone who has the misfortune to encounter you of your beliefs that there is a higher power controlling your every move. Guess what, there is a higher power watching over you. It’s called the Government. Any others are purely figments of the over active imagination of someone in the throes of advanced madness and too much Special Brew. It will not be a good month for you this month. Maybe things will improve for you next month, but I doubt it. After a really bad day at school or work, you will go home and consume an entire half gallon of Ben & Jerry ice cream and never speak of it to anyone you know. But they will know your shame cuz it's written all over your face. Tip: Summer is over so stop wearing sandals.
Aries
Don’t pay any attention to the negative comments people say about you. You never listen to a word anyone says usually, so why should this time be any difference? The bag lady who lives down the road is out to get you cuz you wronged her in a previous life. An invisible sea monster lives inside your washing machine and will eat one of each pair of your socks. You have suspected this for some time but beware; do not attempt to find the monster as it will bite off one of your hands if you do. You have a few skeletons in your closet. Every single one of them deserved it. But here’s the bad thing, the skeletons are fighting to break out. Make sure your closet door is locked and bolted. If the skeletons come out they will haunt you for the rest of your life. That will not give a good impression to others, like you need to do this week.
Taurus
How can your mirror and your camera have such completely different ideas of what you look like? Hmm… Mirrors don't lie. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either. Here's a tip for you; while you believe that ripping your shirt and turning into a big green rage monster whenever someone insults you is actually the best way to behave, it's not. For one thing, it is ruinous to your wardrobe and you will not have any shirts left at all if you don't quit with the histronics. You may meet a lot of strange people this month and you will wish some conversations came with a fast-forward button. Nonetheless, you will be just fine if you remember that every person has a story to tell, which is why you should not talk to anyone, ever. Warning: Smile. Tomorrow is another day. Or at least, it will be if you smile; otherwise, I wouldn't like to say.
Gemini
Just throw out that pair of jeans. You know exactly why, don’t make me tell you. Your two facedness continues to make you enemies while you carry on blissfully and ignorant in your daily life. Every morning, your neighbour can hear you singing in the shower. Do everyone a favor and put a sock in it, would you? You might think otherwise, but trust me; you couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. The colour white is unlucky for you, so is red wine. Do the maths. You will discover a new talent this week; don’t bother showing anyone, it’s not all that impressive. If you're a smoker, smoke more. It's good for the economy. If you are a nonsmoker, then telling a smoker to give up on Thursday will net you a black eye. Beware; every time you do something stupid, God kills a kitten. You are guilty of mass kitticide, you monster.
Cancer
You will be flattered this month when someone tells you that you remind them of a superhero. Unfortunately, it's actually Tony Stark you remind them of; arrogant, obnoxious and basically a total jerk. Still, at least you can hang on to a few friends who feel that it's better that you like them rather than hate them. They don't want you for an enemy, believe me, cuz when you get a grudge, you nurse it forever. Instead of doing this, for a change, try not to be so crabby. It will bode well for your blood pressure in the future. A word of warning; family members will tend to pester you with their sage advice this month. No matter how annoying they get remember that therapy is expensive but bubble wrap is for free. Bright colours are unlucky for you this month so wear black; just try not to look like a goth as you will never carry it off convincingly. Tip: Vodka and orange does NOT count as one of your "five a day" so stop kidding yourself.
Leo
You should really make amends with that friend that you had a fight with a few months ago; if you do, you’ll get to go to go to their birthday party, where you’ll make out with some drunk person who is viewing you thru very foggy beer goggles. Treasure it, as it'll be the only human contact you'll get this month. You still struggle to count to ten without using your fingers; you're not very bright, are you? Cheese is unlucky for you, so try to avoid it this week. Your idea of being different is dressing like everyone else. You are a conformist tool and are rightly hated by everyone. Here's some advice; shouting down your mobile phone in public does not make people think you're a successful business person, but a loud moronic idiot. A long lost friend or family member will contact you this week. Don’t get excited; they just want to borrow money.
Virgo
Don’t double-cross anyone this week, not even a little. Your gain today will cost you major karma points in the future and your karma bank is already overdrawn so you should not risk it. Quit messing around on the internet and do a little housework for a change; tip, it's not normal to have mice making a nest in your underwear drawer and cobwebs hanging in the microwave. If anyone visits your house before you clean up, they will think you are a slob. You will have extreme emotional ups and downs this week. It’s nothing astrological; you’re just as crazy as a bag of cats. A Capricorn will tell a joke to you next week, and you will laugh way after everyone else does; about five days after when you finally work out the punchline. Warning: Beware of the dog. I really mean it this time; there is a dog who's out to get you this month so you'd better watch out.
Libra
I predict a bad month for you. Before you moan, just remember that time you shoved a Virgo on to the floor just so you could get your greasy mitts on that marked down skirt in the sale. Cuz of that incident, karma is going to come and bite you in your butt. Shopping may take your mind off it, but that might just be cuz you have no mind to speak of. By the way, warming something frozen up in the microwave and then adding some garlic salt does not make you a chef. In fact, your cooking is so bad that people have been known to eat the container rather than risk your home cooking. You have been known to burn salad. Your overly bubbly attitude gives everyone you know a headache. Looking at the glass half full all the time doesn’t make you optimistic, it makes you a moron. Sometimes, that glass really is half empty, so there's no point in being a Cleopatra.
Scorpio
Sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind. So just get over it and smack the guy already. You know who I'm talking about; and he's been asking for it for months. Also, he's not a Cancer so you'll be safe from hideous revenge afterwards. The trees are out to get you, and CIA agents have been spotted hanging around outside your house. Are you sure you didn't leave your garage unlocked? It might be best to go back and make sure. Although you think you are a born leader, the rest of the world sees you for the pushy pain in the butt that you really are. Hundreds of people will attend your funeral, but only to make sure that you're really dead. Tip: If you love something set it free. If it comes back; kill it, have it stuffed, and hang it on the wall.
Sagittarius
You’ve been letting your anger get the better of you lately. You must learn to forgive your enemies. Nothing will annoy them more. Your friends are planning an intervention. Your love for world domination is really beginning to weird everyone out. You really must learn to take time off from your day job to relax a bit. Let's face it, if there was going to be someone to rule the world, it would not be a Sagittarius, trust me on this. Beware of friendly looking dogs this month. Our sources tell us they’ve been conspiring against you. Also avoid pink pillows that wink in the dark and chairs that appear to mock you as you walk by. Your neighbour is beginning to realize that you have been spying on him. It’s best to remove all the surveillance equipment perched over the wall. Deny that you ever had a neighbor if the police come to question you.
Capricorn
Control your road rage. Remember, you aren’t going to get there any faster if you have to find a place to dump the body and blood is a pain in the neck to get out of a white shirt. But seriously; you need to relax. No-one saw you do it, the alibi is airtight, and there is no suspicion at all. Unless the police are reading this... in which case, you'd better scratch together some money to use as a bribe. Just some friendly advice; being loud and wrong doesn’t make you right. It just lets everyone around you know you’re proud of not knowing what the hell you’re talking about. This puts you on the same level as most politicians. You have a tendency to be overcritical and you’re not afraid to show it. Not as many people have as thick skin (or as thick a head) as you, so lay off and people will stop keying your car.