This is a mix of Sightings and Sickbay, but since it happened at the ER I decided to submit it here.
So, early Saturday morning, I wound up in the ER after accidentally stabbing myself in the arm doing an art project. It's a long story, but the short version is a huge hunk of skin/tissue was hanging off and veins were RIGHT FREAKING THERE. Also, blood everywhere. I hate hospitals but this was a biggie and even I knew it, so I wrapped my arm in a thick towel and duct tape (fixes everything ) and away we went.
The ER was almost empty when I got there, just us and one other guy (sunny weekend morning = everyone has something better to do than bug ER staff with chest pains they've had for six months.) By this point I am clearly in shock, but I have barely signed in at the desk when the guy (henceforth known as Creepy Dude, or CD) makes his move.
CD: Hey baby.
Me: (Oh great, a drunk) Hello. Go away now.
CD: Aw, come on, baby... *points at arm* how'd ya do that?
Me: Fuck off.
CD: *leans in* I bet it was a sex thing, huh?
Me:
Seriously, what the fuck kind of sex game involves your arm in such a way it ends up with clearly a serious stab wound of some kind?????
CD: *nods at my female housemate* You two getting a little girl-on-girl going on? *sleazy grin*
Me: Fuck off. Now.
CD: Oh baby, I'll show you things you never seen...
Like what? A raging case of the Herp? A penis smaller than a cocktail sausage?
Me: *gritted teeth, voice cold as ice* Don't make me hurt you.
CD: Oh baby, you like it rough? Sure, I can dig that...
Me: Fuck. OFF.
(Incidentally, had I not been in shock and covered in blood, I would have whaled on his ass already.)
CD: All the girls want me baby, it's why I'm here, I got a little...*wink, gesture downwards*problem... but they gave me meds baby, it's all better, I'm good to go.
Me:
Seriously, in what world is MAKING SMALL TALK ABOUT YOUR VENEREAL DISEASE considered a smooth move?!?!?!!?!?!
Me: I am warning you. I may be unable to move my arm, but that will not stop me from kicking your ass from here to London. I will make you cry like a little girl.
CD" Come on baby, I know you kidding me-
Me: Do you really want to take that chance?
Pause while CD thinks about it. He takes another step forward and reaches out his arm. Enough.
Me: OFFICER!!!
(Another thing you should know about my local ER is that there are usually several fully armed police officers here. And the police officers where I live are basically a sub-military force with elite training. Ever since they closed the ER at the other city centre hospital, which happened to be the main one catering to >huge virulently Protestant area< they've had to come to my local ER in >huge virulently Catholic area<. As you can imagine, the brawls in that ER are truly epic, especially when you mix all the drunks at the weekend.)
Officer: Yes, miss?
Me: This man called me >horrific religious slur, the equivalent of the "n" word for my group< and then threatened me! (magic password to instant detention)
CD: Fuck, baby...
Officer: Sir, you're coming with us! *pulls out cuffs*
CD: NO! NO! *starts running around waiting area waving hands in the air* NONONO!
Sadly at this moment they called me through, so I missed what happened next. However, as the ER doors closed, I did hear, no kidding "NAH DON'T TAZE ME BRO ARRRRHGHGHGHG!!!"
Incidentally, I now have a whole lot of stitches, a lot of painkillers, and the possibility I may have reduced movement in my left hand (time will tell, because right now the cut is deep enough it's caused damage/irritation which is probably pressing on the nerves/tendons.) I am GRUMP MARLOWE.
However... I'd be lying if the memory of that doesn't crack me up a little
So, early Saturday morning, I wound up in the ER after accidentally stabbing myself in the arm doing an art project. It's a long story, but the short version is a huge hunk of skin/tissue was hanging off and veins were RIGHT FREAKING THERE. Also, blood everywhere. I hate hospitals but this was a biggie and even I knew it, so I wrapped my arm in a thick towel and duct tape (fixes everything ) and away we went.
The ER was almost empty when I got there, just us and one other guy (sunny weekend morning = everyone has something better to do than bug ER staff with chest pains they've had for six months.) By this point I am clearly in shock, but I have barely signed in at the desk when the guy (henceforth known as Creepy Dude, or CD) makes his move.
CD: Hey baby.
Me: (Oh great, a drunk) Hello. Go away now.
CD: Aw, come on, baby... *points at arm* how'd ya do that?
Me: Fuck off.
CD: *leans in* I bet it was a sex thing, huh?
Me:
Seriously, what the fuck kind of sex game involves your arm in such a way it ends up with clearly a serious stab wound of some kind?????
CD: *nods at my female housemate* You two getting a little girl-on-girl going on? *sleazy grin*
Me: Fuck off. Now.
CD: Oh baby, I'll show you things you never seen...
Like what? A raging case of the Herp? A penis smaller than a cocktail sausage?
Me: *gritted teeth, voice cold as ice* Don't make me hurt you.
CD: Oh baby, you like it rough? Sure, I can dig that...
Me: Fuck. OFF.
(Incidentally, had I not been in shock and covered in blood, I would have whaled on his ass already.)
CD: All the girls want me baby, it's why I'm here, I got a little...*wink, gesture downwards*problem... but they gave me meds baby, it's all better, I'm good to go.
Me:
Seriously, in what world is MAKING SMALL TALK ABOUT YOUR VENEREAL DISEASE considered a smooth move?!?!?!!?!?!
Me: I am warning you. I may be unable to move my arm, but that will not stop me from kicking your ass from here to London. I will make you cry like a little girl.
CD" Come on baby, I know you kidding me-
Me: Do you really want to take that chance?
Pause while CD thinks about it. He takes another step forward and reaches out his arm. Enough.
Me: OFFICER!!!
(Another thing you should know about my local ER is that there are usually several fully armed police officers here. And the police officers where I live are basically a sub-military force with elite training. Ever since they closed the ER at the other city centre hospital, which happened to be the main one catering to >huge virulently Protestant area< they've had to come to my local ER in >huge virulently Catholic area<. As you can imagine, the brawls in that ER are truly epic, especially when you mix all the drunks at the weekend.)
Officer: Yes, miss?
Me: This man called me >horrific religious slur, the equivalent of the "n" word for my group< and then threatened me! (magic password to instant detention)
CD: Fuck, baby...
Officer: Sir, you're coming with us! *pulls out cuffs*
CD: NO! NO! *starts running around waiting area waving hands in the air* NONONO!
Sadly at this moment they called me through, so I missed what happened next. However, as the ER doors closed, I did hear, no kidding "NAH DON'T TAZE ME BRO ARRRRHGHGHGHG!!!"
Incidentally, I now have a whole lot of stitches, a lot of painkillers, and the possibility I may have reduced movement in my left hand (time will tell, because right now the cut is deep enough it's caused damage/irritation which is probably pressing on the nerves/tendons.) I am GRUMP MARLOWE.
However... I'd be lying if the memory of that doesn't crack me up a little
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