So the Job God has been spiteful. Still no job since the combo SC and BadBoss Attack has driven away my two jobs. I can take the SC Attack and Bad Boss Attack, but not the Combo. Thankfully my sis has paid me most the 1000s she owes me, so I'm not dumpster diving. for now. I'm in school in a training program, but it's only on the weekends.
I'm so bored!
After going on 10 to 100s (I believe) of interviews, I came to a conclusion: Employers don't WANT to hire. At all.
So this is a short list of a made up handbook that I believe they follow. Note: the below is supposed to be satirical, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if it were true. Id be more surprised to be told that the sky is blue and clouds are white.
The HR Handbook Revised 2016
1. Greet interviewee with a firm handshake. Is s/he sweaty? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). Limp? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). Smiley? (A sign of psychosis) If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). Doesn't smile? (A sign of unfriendliness.) If so, Do Not Hire (DNH)
2. Review interviewee's resume. Does s/he have a lot of related experience? (Suspicious.) If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). No experience? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). We need people with a minimum of 20 years. It doesn't matter if you, your boss, or the CEO has less than that. The interviewee is the one that matters.
3. Gauge the interviewee's enthusiasm to work for the Company. If s/he seems really excited, Do Not Hire (DNH). Probably is a thief that's really excited to take all our loot. If s/he seems really unhappy, Do Not Hire (DNH). S/he will leave.
4. Does the interviewee have a misdemeanor or a felony? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). Obvious. Does s/he have a clean record? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). S/he is obviously lying, everyone and their mother has a record. No matter what the background checks say. They can make mistakes.
4. Look at body language. If s/he doesn't maintain eye contact at all times, Do Not Hire (DNH). Suspicious. If there is no smiling, Do Not Hire. If there's too much smiling DNH. If there's occasionally smiling DNH. Not worth the risk.
5. If interviewee asks too many questions, DNH. That's a sign of thievery. If no questions, that's a sign of indifference. If just a few questions, that's a sign of a liar. DNH
6. All the above is for any position, whether it be cleaning toilets, to CEO. A minimum of 15 references and 20 yrs or experience (see above) will be asked for. All references must answer promptly, and speak a clear tones, and be smiley over the phone. Otherwise DNH. again, it doesn't matter if you weren't hired this way. At all.
7. If potential employee is not hired, don't bother to let him or her know. She or he will probably hack all company's record. You must protect company at all costs. With your life. Or you're fired.
8. If she or he arrives promptly on time, DNH. Can we say desperation. Suspicious. If s/he is a few minutes late, DNH. If you are a few minutes late DNH. If you are more than an hour late, DNH. You are important more than s/he. And if s/he is a few minutes early, DNH. Can we say no respect for others time.
9. If s/he is somehow still hired, DNH. Unless s/he is friends with the president of the USA and the Queen of England, maybe. Maybe not. DNH.
/rant
Ah that felt good. Thoughts? Critiques?
I'm so bored!
After going on 10 to 100s (I believe) of interviews, I came to a conclusion: Employers don't WANT to hire. At all.
So this is a short list of a made up handbook that I believe they follow. Note: the below is supposed to be satirical, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if it were true. Id be more surprised to be told that the sky is blue and clouds are white.
The HR Handbook Revised 2016
1. Greet interviewee with a firm handshake. Is s/he sweaty? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). Limp? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). Smiley? (A sign of psychosis) If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). Doesn't smile? (A sign of unfriendliness.) If so, Do Not Hire (DNH)
2. Review interviewee's resume. Does s/he have a lot of related experience? (Suspicious.) If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). No experience? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). We need people with a minimum of 20 years. It doesn't matter if you, your boss, or the CEO has less than that. The interviewee is the one that matters.
3. Gauge the interviewee's enthusiasm to work for the Company. If s/he seems really excited, Do Not Hire (DNH). Probably is a thief that's really excited to take all our loot. If s/he seems really unhappy, Do Not Hire (DNH). S/he will leave.
4. Does the interviewee have a misdemeanor or a felony? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). Obvious. Does s/he have a clean record? If so, Do Not Hire (DNH). S/he is obviously lying, everyone and their mother has a record. No matter what the background checks say. They can make mistakes.
4. Look at body language. If s/he doesn't maintain eye contact at all times, Do Not Hire (DNH). Suspicious. If there is no smiling, Do Not Hire. If there's too much smiling DNH. If there's occasionally smiling DNH. Not worth the risk.
5. If interviewee asks too many questions, DNH. That's a sign of thievery. If no questions, that's a sign of indifference. If just a few questions, that's a sign of a liar. DNH
6. All the above is for any position, whether it be cleaning toilets, to CEO. A minimum of 15 references and 20 yrs or experience (see above) will be asked for. All references must answer promptly, and speak a clear tones, and be smiley over the phone. Otherwise DNH. again, it doesn't matter if you weren't hired this way. At all.
7. If potential employee is not hired, don't bother to let him or her know. She or he will probably hack all company's record. You must protect company at all costs. With your life. Or you're fired.
8. If she or he arrives promptly on time, DNH. Can we say desperation. Suspicious. If s/he is a few minutes late, DNH. If you are a few minutes late DNH. If you are more than an hour late, DNH. You are important more than s/he. And if s/he is a few minutes early, DNH. Can we say no respect for others time.
9. If s/he is somehow still hired, DNH. Unless s/he is friends with the president of the USA and the Queen of England, maybe. Maybe not. DNH.
/rant
Ah that felt good. Thoughts? Critiques?
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