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Wherein We Discover The Day Music Died
Old 10-24-2011, 07:04 PM
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Gravekeeper Gravekeeper is offline
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Unhappy Wherein We Discover The Day Music Died

You have but one warning. There is no turning back. >.>

This one is also somewhat bolstered due to the addition of the stuff I forgot last week.


Me: “And your zip code please, ma’am?”
SC: “Oh gee whiz!”

I shall assume that you do not recall it off hand. Well, gosh darn it all. Jiminy willikers, that’s a shame that is. Here I was wanting to send you your order and everything. Fiddlesticks! You’ll have to go back to Archie, Jughead and the rest of the gang and see if anyone knows the zip code for Riverdale offhand.

A Brief Moment Of Reprieve

Me: “and item number please?”
SC: “xxxx, but I had a question about it?”
Me: “Sure.”
SC: “Does it play mp3s?”

You must forgive me here. I was all ready to meander off on a rant about your walnut sized, prehistoric mind. But now that I actually look in the catalog, I can see why you may be under that impression. You see, that item is in fact an iPod dock. Which allows you to plug your iPod into it and use it as a supplementary speaker system. It does not, by itself, play MP3s.

But I can see where your confusion lays. In my inventory it is accurately referred to as an iPod Dock. But in the catalog, it is simply called “Pipe” and says only that it can “Play your music anywhere”. Giving absolutely no information as to its methods or functions. Also, it looks like Darth Vader’s alarm clock. So I can understand why you may have been confused.

So I will grant you clemency from my usual sarcasm. But only this once. So relish this moment, young Skywalker, for it shall not come again.


SC: “Are you the guy?”

Well, I am a guy. But I do not know if I meet the qualifications of The guy. If you like, I could submit an application for the position. But I would really like to know what it would entail and what my Guy responsibilities would be before I commit to anything. While I appreciate the sacrifice of those that undertake Guy Duty, I need to ensure it fits into my current work schedule to avoid any conflicts.

Of Course

SC: “C as in Charlie, W as in……......W”

Ah, I see! W as in W you say? Why that is simply marvelously, my good man! I never would have figured that one out on my own. You sir, must have degree. I don’t know what in, mind you, but I bet it sounds smart and looks quite dashing framed above your desk!

Out Of Date

You know, I don’t normally mind too much when someone calls with an out of date catalog and some of the products are no longer in stock. Forcing them to select an alternative. But only within reason. I know that us not having your desired object in stock is a personal tragedy, and I sympathize with your lose. I really do. But please, you’re not doing either one of us any favours by throwing yourself into the catalogue. Wailing with grief and just rattling off every single product number you see in the hopes that we have something, anything that will fill the void in your heart.

This leads to tragic situations like you trying to order 20 items but only netting yourself 3. Whilst I sit here and have to entertain the futility of the situation until you wear yourself out.

Tech Support

Let me see if I have the gist of your question: You want to know if your credit card will be charged if you put together an order on the website, but don’t actually enter any of your credit card information? …….Really? …No, really? You’re really worried your card will be charged even if you didn’t enter any payment information? …..and it’s a prepaid Mastercard too, that doesn’t have enough money to cover the order on it anyway?

….You know what? Yes, yes it will. In fact it’s probably charging you as we speak. If you hurry, you can still void the transaction but you’ll have to move quick: First, get an indelible marker. If you don’t have one, White Out will suffice. Now quickly run back to the computer and use it to write “VOID” on the screen as fast as you can. This will tell the computer you don’t want your credit card charged.

No Hurry

Me: “And when does it expire?”
SC: “I don’t know.”

I would urge you to uncover the answer to this mystery post haste. For your order is suddenly in grave danger. Only you can save it! Hurry! Quickly! There isn’t much time! Well, I guess there’s plenty of time…..but there isn’t much of my patience! Well…actually, my patience is pretty good you’ve got at least a few minutes to work with before I even begin to become slightly annoyed in anyway…..

…….Ok look, just go get your card. I’m probably not going anywhere. It’s alright. Go ahead.

Tech Support II

SC: “Yes…..um….........actually…….......I was….........we were just….......well…......…my brother..........”

What’s that girl? Timmy fell down a well?

SC: “He’s got two prepaid Mastercards. One for $50 and one for $25. But his order comes to $62 and we were wondering how do we place an order online with two credit cards?”

Oh! Well, that’s easy. Why didn’t you say so? Since you’re trying to place the order online, we can fix this in a jiff! All you need is an indelible marker ( or even some White Out! ). Now, take both of the Mastercards and have one of you hold them both to the screen while the other writes “MERGE” on the monitor with the marker. This will tell the computer to merge both of the Mastercards together to form a single, combined Mastercard number. Sort of like Voltron. Which it will helpfully autofill into the payment field of the website’s order form.

If it doesn’t work the first time, don’t worry, the website’s server can be a bit fickle sometimes. Just refresh the page and try again. It might take a couple of tries, but it’ll connect eventually.

Sad V is Sad

I passed one dude with his Guy Fawkes mask on this evening and a rather bland protest sign. Like all of his friends told him they were going out to protest, but it was just a prank and none of them showed up. So now he’s out there by himself, all sad and alone. Actually, it looked like he was heading home in a snit, mad at his friends. But too embarrassed to take off the mask and unable to hide the sign anywhere.

Good For You?

Me: "Good evening, <company>"
SC: "Oh, sorry, I have the wrong number."
Me: "No problem."
SC: “I was trying to order a pizza from the Pizza Factory.”

Well, thank you for needlessly explaining your actions. I can rest assured now that I know the purpose and motivations behind this wrong number. If you had just said “Oh, sorry, wrong number” and hung up. I would have lived the rest of my life with the dark shadow of unknowing eating away at my heart. Tormented day in and day out by never knowing the answer to the greatest mystery I have ever faced on this planet.

Subconcious Insight

Me: “And your address please sir?”
SC: “What?”
Me: “Your address, please?”
SC: “Investment?”

The fact that the word “Investment” was the first one that leapt to your mind while ordering lottery tickets casts an unsettling shadow on your long term financial plans.


Me: “Can you spell that please, ma’am?”
SC: “A as in Apple, C as in………………….ummm……………………………..”

Oh come on, that’s the easiest one. Everyone knows that one! How can you not get the C one?

SC: ".......C as in.........uh...................."

Part of me wants to jump in and help. However, the other part of me is starting to find this funny and is just going to sit here quietly.

SC: “…......C as in….Cat?”

Ding ding ding! You're absolutely right! Congradulations!

Tell her what she's won, Johnny.

By Your Powers Combined

SC: "It stinks in here again!"

......Ugh, hello again.

SC: "My lips are salty!!"

....What? No...really, what? .....Are you sure you don't have a brain tumour?

Do you taste toast?

The Art of Seduction

Me: “And your first name please, ma’am?”
SC: “Amy <Belch>”

Away with you, Aphrodite! I will not be tempted by your feminine wiles!

The Day The Music Died

Over the course of this call, you have said “Yeah” 14 times. Each time you have pronounced it “Yee-ah”, as if you were a bit character in a rap video and were about to use it as a prefix to "Boooooy". Asserting a positive agreement with his associates. I do not know where or how you acquired this trait, as I cannot picture any sort of rap taking place anywhere in Nunavu-…..oh you’ve got to be-

-Ok I stand corrected. Nunavut has one rap group: Northerners With Attitude. They have one song: “Don’t Call Me An Eskimo”. It is the saddest song ever produced or performed by the human race. If you put apathy and inability into the Large Hadron Collider and smashed them together, the quantum particles created would resonant at the same frequency as this song. If chronic depression had a theme song, this would be it.

( I'm not going to link it, but the video is very easy to find. Just do not say I didn't warn you. In fact I dare you to even make it to the confused guy doing the chorus. )

annnd rest. -.-

Old 10-24-2011, 07:17 PM
Kazim Kazim is offline
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Posts: 132

Yes, i got my Gravekeeper fix today too.

Old 10-24-2011, 07:18 PM
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Kaibutsu Kaibutsu is offline
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Posts: 58

Challenge accepted.
I shall report my findings after viewing said video.

*after viewing*

Gah. Buh. Wutdafuq.
My god, it's full of pink camo...

I honestly thought the guy was rapping from a school report at one point.
I have to admit that the Synthesized Inuit [Synthuit?] in the chorus is the only bright spot.

Best post off YouTube: "Lmao, i signed into YouTube to tell you that you brightened my day. I had a terrible day, 13 hours of troubleshooting.... Hope you're a special Olympics kid though, if not, perhaps there some testing to see if you qualify."

GK? What must I do to remove that... video... out of my head?

Last edited by Kaibutsu; 10-24-2011 at 07:37 PM. Reason: Accepted challenge, lost the game. *sadface*

Old 10-24-2011, 07:28 PM
Gerrinson Gerrinson is offline
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Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
The Day The Music Died
I'm going to watch this video. Somehow, someway, I will make it at least to the chorus. It can't possibly be worse than the K-pop that my g/f is infatuated with, right?


Old 10-24-2011, 07:30 PM
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Pagan Pagan is offline
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Location: Albuquerque, NM - Yes, we are a state
Posts: 4,188

I'm ashamed that I not only found it, but made it through the whole thing.

What can I say? It's like a car wreck. You don't want to look, but you can't help it.

They're trying to look tough, but they look mostly confused and cold....
It's floating wicker propelled by fire!

Old 10-24-2011, 07:39 PM
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Kaibutsu Kaibutsu is offline
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Posts: 58

Speaking of the music's horrid end... whatever happened to MC Such-and-such and the Frivolous Five [or whatever those street 'performers' were called]?

Old 10-24-2011, 07:43 PM
Irving Patrick Freleigh's Avatar
Irving Patrick Freleigh Irving Patrick Freleigh is offline
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Location: burning pink camo dumpster
Posts: 14,081

Remember that episode of Married With Children where Al was constipated until he turned on the TV and saw a commercial for Roseanne, Moonlighting, and the award-winning thirtysomething?

That was funny. I like that show.

Anyhow, this video is bad. Don't call you eskimo, you say? Fine. I'll just call you a failure at life and cockpunch you until you agree not to make any more videos. Deal?
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

"I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

Last edited by Irving Patrick Freleigh; 10-24-2011 at 07:47 PM.

Old 10-24-2011, 07:49 PM
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Gravekeeper Gravekeeper is offline
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Quoth Kaibutsu View Post
I have to admit that the Synthesized Inuit [Synthuit?] in the chorus is the only bright spot.
Synthesized Inuit would have been a much better band name. -.-

Quoth Kaibutsu View Post
Speaking of the music's horrid end... whatever happened to MC Such-and-such and the Frivolous Five [or whatever those street 'performers' were called]?
Ehh...we no longer speak of them. It ended...badly.

Old 10-24-2011, 09:19 PM
Canarr Canarr is offline
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Location: Germany
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Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
Ehh...we no longer speak of them. It ended...badly.
Details, please?

Thanks for the video. I shared it with my (now former) friends...
You gotta polish a memory like a stone. Chip off the parts that remind you it was just a game. Work it until it's indistinguishable from any other memory.

Old 10-24-2011, 09:21 PM
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Gravekeeper Gravekeeper is offline
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Quoth Canarr View Post
Details, please?
I can't really explain without getting stabby and would perfer not to speak of it in an open thread.
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