Well I'm required to be a punching bag.

[fireheart]

Here is what seems to be my mother's rules for living in the house:

-Never fight with your sister or parents. If someone insults you, you simply suck it up, no matter how much they keep walking around continuing to insult you. If someone hurls abuse at you, you are required to also suck it up because it IS your fault.

-If someone tells you to do something, you must do it straightaway. Even if it's "just a suggestion" you must do it straightaway. failure to do so means that you are lazy and stupid and cannot function in normal society.

-If you attempt to visit psychologists, you are lying unless I can hear for myself what is going on in those sessions so I know that you are not painting yourself as a saint and me as a completely horrible person. (by me, it means my mother)

-If there is a problem, you must come and talk to us. Failure to do so means that you are selfish, arrogant, believe that the world revolves around you etc.

-You must not continually ask us for money unless you are willing to talk to us about your problems.

-If someone yells at you, you must not think about it straightaway, you must let it go immediately. Even if that person comes back and continues to abuse you because you have let it go immediately. If you get into a fight with someone, you must let it go straightaway and continue on as though nothing has happened.

Do any of these sound completely sane? I know these are from how I see my mother, but I'm only 20 years old, what do I know?

[Mikkel]

My.

If it isn't same rules for everybody, it's unjust IMHO (excepting situations where for instance a drug addict will have to submit to sterner rules).

A session with a psychologist or any other therapist is wasted if someone you don't trust is sitting in.

If you are continually asking for money, I think the donors have the right to an explanation. Any problems which haven't any impact on the financial situation shouldn't figure in the explanation.
A written budget should, though.

[fireheart]

My.

If it isn't same rules for everybody, it's unjust IMHO (excepting situations where for instance a drug addict will have to submit to sterner rules).

A session with a psychologist or any other therapist is wasted if someone you don't trust is sitting in.

If you are continually asking for money, I think the donors have the right to an explanation. Any problems which haven't any impact on the financial situation shouldn't figure in the explanation.
A written budget should, though.

Only times I've asked for money this year have been car-related. The excess from a car crash and the tow fees.

My sister doesn't have to follow the same rules, because she's completely frikkin normal. I'm the one who's screwed in the head and can't let go of things.

[BlaqueKatt]

sounds like someone doesn't understand people react differently to abusive/hostile situations, and it's NOT THE VICTIM'S FAULT.

Also doesn't understand that mental illness IS REAL, and not ANYONE'S FAULT(for the most part, obviously some are caused by abuse/harassment)

[Parrothead]

My ,

Move. As soon as is feasible. If not sooner. That sounds like hell, and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

[Kanalah]

First off (if you're okay with that)

Second, yeah I'd get out of there. That sounds nearly exactly what my mom put me through while I was growing up. Except if I had a problem, I couldn't go to her because she'd just laugh at me.

I didn't get out when I had multiple chances to, even just to crash on a friend's couch. I finally left when she kicked me out for being "lazy worthless and stupid" and yes it still hurts to this day. She is still convinced that she always does the right thing and I am some sort of devil child.

I don't often say, 'give up and run', but if I were in the same situation again, I would find someplace else to go. You don't deserve to be treated like that - no one does. The longer you stay the worse you'll feel about yourself.

[fireheart]

sounds like someone doesn't understand people react differently to abusive/hostile situations, and it's NOT THE VICTIM'S FAULT.

Also doesn't understand that mental illness IS REAL, and not ANYONE'S FAULT(for the most part, obviously some are caused by abuse/harassment)

And a few more rules now that I think of them:

-There is no such things as "honest mistakes" or "accidents". They can be prevented. Even if something like the cats knocking the modem onto the floor, it is always someone's fault. It is never an accident.

Short version, mum and I had a fight today. Mum threatened to kick me out. Again. Because I don't apologise. Because apparaently I have an "attitude", which implies that I can never be sad, gloomy or angry because I never have a "reason" to.

I have suggested family therapy, however my mum is not entirely open to it. As for moving out, it is not entirely an option-most of my friends do not live alone and the friends that DO live alone are too far away for me to get to and from work safely.

Also my sister believes that there is nothing wrong. She shares that with my dad. My mum's question re family therapy was simply "Oh and what is going to happen when we do go to family therapy?" When I told her "I don't know", she just went "so, are we going to sit there for an hour and say nothing?" -__-

[TowelKing]

Here is what seems to be my mother's rules for living in the house:

-Never fight with your sister or parents. If someone insults you, you simply suck it up, no matter how much they keep walking around continuing to insult you. If someone hurls abuse at you, you are required to also suck it up because it IS your fault.
*Valid point...in theory. It's a good practice to let shit slide off your back, but if somebody, especially family members or my parents, I'd be doing something about it. Also, I call BS on the 'it's your fault' argument. *

-If someone tells you to do something, you must do it straightaway. Even if it's "just a suggestion" you must do it straightaway. failure to do so means that you are lazy and stupid and cannot function in normal society.
*No. Like was already posted, if they are asking you to do either a) more than a fair and reasonable amount of shit around the house, or b) shit that you have a hard time doing or can't at all, or c) never have a minute to yourself, tell them to shove it. Also, lazy my ass. *

-If you attempt to visit psychologists, you are lying unless I can hear for myself what is going on in those sessions so I know that you are not painting yourself as a saint and me as a completely horrible person. (by me, it means my mother)
*Never in a million sunshiny, glory-filled days would I have a parent sit in with me on a private session of ANY kind. *

-If there is a problem, you must come and talk to us. Failure to do so means that you are selfish, arrogant, believe that the world revolves around you etc.
*Mom, I'll tell you what. I'll deal with my problems as best I can, using the knowledge I have, and the advice from friends I trust, and you can get bent. Kthxbai. *

-You must not continually ask us for money unless you are willing to talk to us about your problems.
*Talk about problems, no. Have a proposal in place of how much you want, why you need it, and a payment plan, yes. *

-If someone yells at you, you must not think about it straightaway, you must let it go immediately. Even if that person comes back and continues to abuse you because you have let it go immediately. If you get into a fight with someone, you must let it go straightaway and continue on as though nothing has happened.
*See point one. *

Do any of these sound completely sane? I know these are from how I see my mother, but I'm only 20 years old, what do I know?
*They do not sound sane. Excuse the language, but they sound like a set of rules imposed by a manipulative, narcissistic bitch who wants to control every aspect of your lift, down to what you think when making dinner for the rest of the family. *

My thoughts in * *

[taxguykarl]

Do any of these sound completely sane? I know these are from how I see my mother, but I'm only 20 years old, what do I know?

No, they don't. Think three times (not twice) about continuing to live there. Start looking for your own place.

[Gerrinson]

My mother, my grandmother (paternal), and most of my aunts (also paternal) are pretty much the same way.

Which is why I no longer have contact with any of them. My childhood was pretty messed up. Not just from going through all the things you've mentioned, though that was definitely part of it.

There's no way to fix other people who are hellbent on keeping you down. Get out, ASAP. And don't look back, because people like that just aren't worth it. When you're not there, they'll have to find someone else to blame.

I will note that my grandmother finally came around, in the end, but she was literally on her death bed when she finally admitted how many wrongs she had committed against me (and a few others close to me.)

My mother and aunts, not so much.

[tropicsgoddess]

I'd say get the hell out when you can and if necessary do it on the low. Those "rules" are nothing but insanity to be brutally honest.

[fireheart]

There's no way to fix other people who are hellbent on keeping you down. Get out, ASAP. And don't look back, because people like that just aren't worth it. When you're not there, they'll have to find someone else to blame.

.

Therein lies the other problem: if I leave, she'll start using my sister as the punching bag as opposed to me. If my sister leaves, it'll be my dad. Neither of them deserve that.

Has anyone here TRIED family therapy and can tell me what happens in a session? My mother seems to be in denial that there is anything going on and I'm almost set to do a 3-on-1 attack on her for it, namely convince my dad and sister that there is something wrong and that if there's any chance of possibly TRYING to fix it, family therapy is the answer.

Here's my current situation: I don't pay board/rent, I don't pay towards the bills in the house. I will clean or dust when people ask, if I don't do them, it's usually because I'm in the middle of playing a game or something and I end up promising to "do it later", of course it never gets done. I have been known to leave things in a mess and I don't clean it up until prompted-my room is an example (and it seems that over time, it's become an automatic habit, because while I do leave a mess in my boyfriends room occasionally, I have been known to clean up after myself at a guests place). It has been like this ever since I was little.

Unfortunately, I believe that there is a cycle of abuse that has perpetuated my mum's side of the family. Her mother (my maternal grandmother) abused her a bit when she was younger (the one incident I got told was that because Young Fireheart's Mother didn't have her hair cut the way HER MOTHER wanted, she'd be put in an orphanage). Now I believe that the same thing is happening, however, it is now modernised to the 21st century, where I can't be put in an orphanage etc.
Now I'm scared I'll end up doing the same thing to my own children in the future.

I was diagnosed with BPD some time ago by a psychologist who is part of an emergency mental health service. My doctor backs this diagnosis up.

ETA: One more thing. Whenever someone yells at me or is upset with me for ANY reason, I will either start crying or get the urge to cry. Or it will become anger. That is not normal.

[Seshat]

Therein lies the other problem: if I leave, she'll start using my sister as the punching bag as opposed to me. If my sister leaves, it'll be my dad. Neither of them deserve that.

Your father is an adult. Your sister is presumably near-adult, if not adult. If she isn't, your father is capable of leaving and taking her with him. Or you could ask for custody of your sister.

Regardless: you are not responsible for the choices of other adults. If they choose to stay, that's their problem. Your problem is whether or not you choose to stay.

You are also free to invite either or both of them to leave with you.


As for you perpetuating the cycle of abuse: you're already doing well at preventing it. You've sought help. If you have children, continue to have counselling or care from a mental health nurse or some such, and ensure such is available to the children. And/or family therapy.
You're aware of the potential. That helps a great deal. And you've sought help. Which helps even more.

[fireheart]

Seshat, I have said from the outset that if mum continues to fight me, then she will not end up becoming a grandmother. Not so much that I'd hold my own womb to ransom so to speak, but rather that she would not be allowed to see any grandchildren that my sister or I have. Dad would, everyone else in the family would, but she would effectively be shut out. Boyfriend and I had plans to move to Melbourne or similar once I had graduated and could effectively begin teaching. (that's IF I can find a job-the current market for primary school teachers in the private sector is not good and as far as public sector goes, my boyfriend's job will require him to be in the city while I have to go country)

[Binky]

a close friend of mine had the same shit happening to her where she lived. She got it from everyone in the family, not just her mum. She's since moved and is 1000x happier!

Move as soon as you can. There is no point living in a situation like that if you are being made to feel worthless! You dexerve much MUCH better. Hang in there my dear, but get out when you can!