Five Months Of Suck

[Tolly]

Hello again, everyone!

I've just come off a short contract at the booking office for a statewide accommodation chain, covering the General Manager's maternity leave. Thankfully I was merely Office Minion while another lass was stepped up to General Manager, the nonsense I had to deal with was more than enough for little ol' me. And wow, I may only have dealt with people on the phone, but you better believe I have some suck to share!

Suck The First: Lady, This Is On You (The Chain Suck)

About halfway through November right through to the end of April is our peak booking period. When giving quotes and availability, we ALWAYS say that if you want it, you should book it as soon as possible. Quite often, a room can be made available at 10am and sold by midday. This woman had been given a quote a MONTH before I arrived.

Then comes my first day. It was a sign of things to follow.

Me: Obvious.
RO: Repeat Offender (in more ways than one).
AC: Awesome Coworker who I shall forever love even if I will never babysit her kids.
LC: Less awesome Coworker who claimed to be 'a writer' and 'only working here til I get my big break' who couldn't spell 'today', 'morning' or 'client'.

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
RO: I want to make my booking.
Me: Of course. Could you please tell me what you'd like to book?
RO: It's Repeat Offender, you gave me a quote!
Me: I'm afraid that's not possible, this is my first day here.
RO: BULLSHIT! You talked to me just the other day, I have the email from (date) here!
Me: I just started today, and that date is from a month ago.
RO: NOW LISTEN TO ME YOU LITTLE-
AC: *grabs phone* Hi RO~
Me: O_o *hangs up handset* How often does she do that?
LC: About once a month for the last six months. She still hasn't actually made the booking.
Me: This does not bode well.

It didn't. Because she hadn't booked, the rooms for her big group (40 people!) had long since gone and we had to do a mad scramble to get them in. Oh well, thought I. At least she is booked now. HOW WRONG I WAS.

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
RO: YOU AGAIN! You up my booking!
Me: Hello RO. I'm afraid I didn't actually set up the booking, could you give me your reservation number so I can help sort this out?
RO: I don't have one yet!
Me: The only way you wouldn't have one yet is if you haven't paid your deposit yet.
RO: WELL I DID!
Me: Then you should have a Chain deposit confirmation with the reservation number at the top of the page.
RO: It's not there!
Me: It should be right above your room listing.
RO: Oh, that thing? How am I supposed to know that was what you need?
Me: *thinking* Because I asked for it, genius. *speaking* Could I please have the number?
RO: NO! Let me talk to AC!
Me: AC only works xday and yday. She won't be in until tomorrow.
RO: Fine, I'll call back tomorrow!

She didn't. She called back a week later. Her balance payment was due at the beginning of that week, she called at the end of said week.

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
RO: Does nobody else in your office answer the phones?
Me: Answering the phones is my job, RO. Just give me a moment to pull up your booking.
RO: WHY DID I GET A LETTER TELLING ME I HAVE TO GIVE YOU MORE MONEY?! I PAID MY DEPOSIT.
Me: And your balance was due a week ago. We have a prepay policy.
RO: Nobody told me that!
Me: With all due respect, I heard AC tell you and so did my supervisor. Also I must inform you that if we do not receive full payment by the end of next week, our system will automatically delete your booking. It's company policy.
RO: WHAT BULLSHIT! Make an exception for me!
Me: It's company policy, I don't have the authority.
RO: *wheedling* Sure you do, everyone knows the office managers can get away with anything.
Me: Ma'am, I am the Office Minion. I'm here for five months. I have less influence on the policies of this company than a gnat does on the orbit of the moon.
RO: ...Fine. Fair point. How much is it again?
Me: $XXXX.XX. (40 people in our most expensive hotel, it was seriously the highest amount I saw for my entire time working there.)
RO:
Me: I quite agree.
RO: I'll get back to you.
LC: *breaks out into hysterical laughter* You're weird!

She paid, somehow, and I thought that was the end of her. Oh no. That would be too easy.

Two days before she was due to travel, ten minutes before we close up for the weekend.

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
RO: I WANT TICKETS TO ATTRACTION!
Me: ... RO, there is literally no way we can arrange tickets to Attraction at this juncture. It's one week pre-pay and they closed up for the weekend half an hour ago.
RO: But you're open.
Me: Only for another *checks clock* seven minutes. Even if this was within their prepay rules, they are closed and the procedure takes at least fifteen minutes. It is not possible.
RO: BUT I WANT IT!
Me: I'm afraid it's not possible.
RO: I SAID I WANT IT!
Me: *finally completely losing my shit and resigning myself to not having a job come Monday* IT'S NOT POSSIBLE! YOU HAVE LEFT EVERYTHING UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE FROM GO UNTIL WOE AND IT IS NOW WOE! I AM NOT THE DOCTOR, I DO NOT HAVE A TARDIS, I CANNOT UNDO TIME AND MAKE THIS HAPPEN! ATTRACTION IS THE MOST POPULAR ATTRACTION IN THE STATE AND IS BOOKED OUT FOR MONTHS IN ADVANCE! IF YOU WANTED IT, YOU SHOULD HAVE BOOKED IT WHEN WE TOLD YOU YOU NEEDED TO BOOK IT SOON! AND WE ARE NOW CLOSED! Have a great trip. *hangs up* I am so fired.
AC: Do you need a beer?
Me: I need the archetype of all beers, the beer that Thor himself would quaff before smiting some poor fool with Mjolnir. Pub?
AC: Pub! I want to see if I can get you drunk enough to not word words anymore.
Me: There is not enough beer in the world to drown out the memory of RO.

And I didn't even get a reprimand. Holy balls. Said woman, however, did get thrown out of the hotel for some completely batshit behaviour. The rest of her group pretended to not know her.

Suck The Second: It Changed, It Sucks, Now Please Go Yell At The People Who Changed It

A holiday club has had voucher deals set up with Chain for about five years. About two months before I started at Chain, the club changed the rules for their vouchers. Instead of getting a flat $79.00 off their booking for three or more nights, they'd get reduced rates which often came to much bigger discounts than that, especially if they were staying in our nicer properties.

MOST customers thought this was awesome. Some... not so much. Here are a few of the choicer comments and exchanges.

SC: I WANT EXACTLY WHAT I PAID FOR!
Fine, suits me, more money for us.

SC: But if I only use it for one night I'm losing money!
Well considering you have to use it for three or more nights, I give zero shits.

SC: But my dad said...
If the voucher is made out to your dad, then we can't book it for you ANYWAY.

SC: I'm never booking with you again!
You're not in the system, you've never booked with us. Go away.

Suck the Third: This Is Not Cutting It Fine, This Is Drawing Blood

One memorable friday, right before an AFL match (aka the biggest damn sporting events in the Australian calendar unless you're a cricket fan) (aka I don't give a rat's ass stop telling me about your team), about four in the afternoon.

CC: Crazy Customer

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
CC: I need a two-bedroom apartment at Property for three nights.
Me: Great, when would that be for?
CC: Tonight.
Me: *blink* We might not be able to do that, we're almost completely booked out for the football.
CC: Well you'd better get me something, we're already on the way up?
Me: I beg your pardon?
CC: We left State Capital an hour ago.
Me: Just let me see what I can do. *puts on hold* You have got to be me.

I managed to get her a four bedroom and she complained about the price. TOUGH. I also put her on our 'you have got to be joking' list of people we no longer sell to, right under RO.

Sweet Jesus.

Suck the Fourth: When Antagonising The Office Minion, First Be Sure She Can't Punch You In The Fruit Loops

I have a bizarre talent to attract people who need a solid punching. This one was rather fun. As those of you who have read some of my earlier rants know, I ride a motorbike. Unhappily, this is my major form of transport in a state where it rains nigh constantly all through winter. This means that I would bring a change of clothes into the office and dry off in the bathroom before my shift started.

Occasionally people will come into our office to make bookings. We LOVE face to face bookings, they're invariably lovely old couples who are sweet as candy. Occasionally they will come in to use our private bathroom. We do not like them so much.

GA: Giant Asshole. Seriously he was about 6'5", I am about 4'10" without my heels.

Me: *emerging from bathroom and towelling hair* Oh, hello! Can I help you with a booking?
GA: FINALLY. Get out of the way, I need the dunny.
Me: This bathroom is for staff only. The shopping centre just down the road has a public bathroom.
GA: But it's raining.
Me: Sorry.
GA: Let me use this one.
Me: If you're not here to make a booking, please leave.
GA: Let. Me. Use. This. One. *loom*
Me: No. Leave before I call the police and have them escort you off the premises.
GA: If you don't move, I'll make you.
Me: My fists are level with your groin.
GA: ... short ass bitch.
Me: Get out.
GA: *leaves in a huff* Next time I'll show you!
Me: Next time I won't warn you.
GA: *runs*
Me: Seriously, how does that keep working?

Suck the Fifth: It Hasn't Miraculously Changed Just Because You Want It To

There is an EXTREMELY expensive hotel in my town that isn't part of our chain because it doesn't want to match our prices. We are not affiliated with it in any way, it's not mentioned in any of our brochures or on our site, and we cannot arrange bookings for it. And yet...

GB: Goldfish Brain, because the short-term memory of a goldfish is the only explanation I have for the sheer dogged repetition of the man.

All the following calls literally took place in less than two hours.

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
GB: I want to book Expensive Hotel.
Me: I'm sorry, they aren't part of our chain and we can't book rooms with them.
GB: Oh, okay.

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
GB: Can I book Expensive Hotel?
Me: We can't book rooms with them. *thinking* Wait, is this...?
GB: Okay.

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
GB: Expensive Hotel for two.
Me: Sir, I've told you twice, we can't book them.
GB: Whatever.

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
GB: I want to book Expensive Hotel NOW.
Me: We. Can't. Book. Them. Please stop asking.
GB: Fiiiiine.

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
GB: Give me rooms at Expensive Hotel!
Me: I CAN'T. They won't let us!
GB: Ugh.

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
GB: Expensive Hotel fo-
Me: No. *hangs up*

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
GB: I said I want rooms at Expensive Hotel!
Me: What part of 'I can't' isn't registering?
GB: You can. They're on your site.
Me: No, they're not.
GB: Yes they are.
Me: I updated that site yesterday for the first time in a year. They weren't on it then and they're not on it now.
GB: Huh? *hangs up*
Me: Why me...

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
GB: Expensive Hotel. Now.
Me: I CAN'T! I'VE TOLD YOU AT LEAST SIX TIMES! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME?
GB: This is Chain, isn't it?
Me: Yes!
GB: You can book Expensive Hotel, can't you?
Me: NO!
GB: You don't have to shout.
Me: *scribbles down number on caller id* Sir, we don't book them. We've never booked them. They don't like us.
GB: Well I can see why! I'll just book direct then!
Me: That's the only way you can book with them.

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
GB: Hello, Expensive Hotel?
Me: Go away. *hangs up* LC, I'm calling the phone company. If this guy calls me again I will scream.
LC: Oh, did Goldfish get a new number?
Me: You mean this has happened before?
LC: Three times.
Me:

[Enjis]

Wow.....that was an epic post!
The last one, with Goldfish Brain, was pretty amazing. How do these people function in society??

[Jay 2K Winger]

Suck The First: Lady, This Is On You (The Chain Suck)

RO: Repeat Offender (in more ways than one).

At least your coworker recognized that you needed a Dr. Nick prescription. ("Holy crap! You need booze!")

Suck the Third: This Is Not Cutting It Fine, This Is Drawing Blood

(aka I don't give a rat's ass stop telling me about your team)

This is my usual response to all sports talk.

And you gave that guy the appropriate response to his dickery.

Suck the Fourth: When Antagonising The Office Minion, First Be Sure She Can't Punch You In The Fruit Loops

GA: If you don't move, I'll make you.
Me: My fists are level with your groin.
GA: ... short ass bitch.
Me: Get out.
GA: *leaves in a huff* Next time I'll show you!
Me: Next time I won't warn you.
GA: *runs*
Me: Seriously, how does that keep working?

Someone who recognizes the Tao of Pratchett! (When your head is level with their waist, your teeth are level with their groin.)

Suck the Fifth: It Hasn't Miraculously Changed Just Because You Want It To

Goldfish Brain

Holy crap! You need booze!

[EricKei]

AC: Do you need a beer?
Me: I need the archetype of all beers, the beer that Thor himself would quaff before smiting some poor fool with Mjolnir. Pub?
AC: Pub! I want to see if I can get you drunk enough to not word words anymore.
Me: There is not enough beer in the world to drown out the memory of RO.

Note the First: Epic.

Note the Second: Now I have the "BEER IS GOOD! BEER IS GOOD! BEER IS GOOD! AND STUFF!" song going through my head. ....... Thanks!

[camjuniper]

You are amazing. *offers beer & accolades*

[Alpha Strike]

Thanks for sharing - loved the Doctor Who reference! By the way, at the start of your post you said this:

I've just come off a short contract at the booking office for a statewide accommodation chain... *snip*

What does this mean anyway?

[EricKei]

AS - It means that Tolly is (probably wisely) obfuscating their place of employment. If you meant "translation please", it seems to me that Tolly just completed a temporary assignment working as a booking agent for a decent-sized hotel chain.

[XCashier]

Me: *finally completely losing my shit and resigning myself to not having a job come Monday* IT'S NOT POSSIBLE! YOU HAVE LEFT EVERYTHING UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE FROM GO UNTIL WOE AND IT IS NOW WOE! I AM NOT THE DOCTOR, I DO NOT HAVE A TARDIS, I CANNOT UNDO TIME AND MAKE THIS HAPPEN! ATTRACTION IS THE MOST POPULAR ATTRACTION IN THE STATE AND IS BOOKED OUT FOR MONTHS IN ADVANCE! IF YOU WANTED IT, YOU SHOULD HAVE BOOKED IT WHEN WE TOLD YOU YOU NEEDED TO BOOK IT SOON! AND WE ARE NOW CLOSED! Have a great trip. *hangs up* I am so fired.
AC: Do you need a beer?
Me: I need the archetype of all beers, the beer that Thor himself would quaff before smiting some poor fool with Mjolnir. Pub?

Your speech rocks. And so does the followup. I hope you found The Beer Of The Gods, you totally deserved it.

All the following calls literally took place in less than two hours.

[snip -inspiring customer stupidity]

LC: Oh, did Goldfish get a new number?
Me: You mean this has happened before?
LC: Three times.
Me:

How does someone that brain-curdled stupid still manage to breathe and operate a phone? I have personally witnessed customer stupidity that left my brain cells screaming in agony, but to see someone do the same idiotic thing over and over and bloody over, after being told no countless times...that goes beyond stupid, a word has not been invented yet to describe it. Someone please shoot Goldfish Brain and put him out of everyone else's misery!

[Ceir]

Epic indeed, as (I hope) the beer and munchies were after.

I don't know how you hotel folk do it; I nearly went nuts dealing with morons calling the helpdesk...

[Tolly]

@ Alpha Strike - 'tis as EricKei put it. SO glad my contract is up.

Rest assured, there is plenty more suck to come. I have so much of it I'm going to ration it out and see how long it lasts.

[Captain Trips]

Goldfish meets Einstein's definition of insanity: repeating the same action but expecting different results.

[Jester]

RO: BUT I WANT IT!
Me: I'm afraid it's not possible.
RO: I SAID I WANT IT!

And I want a a Ferrari, my own private vineyard, and a skinny-dipping date with Karen Gillan. Guess what? None of those are gonna happen either.

Me: I AM NOT THE DOCTOR, I DO NOT HAVE A TARDIS, I CANNOT UNDO TIME AND MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

I think I'm in love.

Me: I need the archetype of all beers, the beer that Thor himself would quaff before smiting some poor fool with Mjolnir.

Now I KNOW I'm in love!

Me: There is not enough beer in the world to drown out the memory of RO.

But something tells me you gave it a heroic effort.

Suck the Fourth: When Antagonising The Office Minion, First Be Sure She Can't Punch You In The Fruit Loops

Perhaps the greatest headline in the history of this site. Or at least in my recent memory.

GA: If you don't move, I'll make you.
Me: My fists are level with your groin.
GA: ... short ass bitch.
Me: Get out.
GA: *leaves in a huff* Next time I'll show you!
Me: Next time I won't warn you.
GA: *runs*
Me: Seriously, how does that keep working?

Three reasons.

1. He realized you weren't joking.

2. He understood that the physics of the situation were as you described them.

3. No guy wants to get punched in the nuts.

Me: Welcome to Chain, this is Tolly.
GB: I said I want rooms at Expensive Hotel!
Me: What part of 'I can't' isn't registering?
GB: You can. They're on your site.
Me: No, they're not.
GB: Yes they are.

This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

[Tolly]

Awwwww, Jester! Love you too, your bartending tales bring me no end of amusement (and often befuddlement, but that's something of a given in the Customers Suck world)!

I am so, so glad I don't work in this place any more. I had more stress headaches and nosebleeds in five months than I did in five years.

[Sunshine]

And goldfish the world over wept for the stupidity that man perpetrated. For at least a minute

[wolfie]

And I want a a Ferrari, my own private vineyard, and a skinny-dipping date with Karen Gillan. Guess what? None of those are gonna happen either.

You forgot to mention the bit about getting blown by Kiera Knightly.