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  #41  
Old 01-27-2007, 07:53 PM
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A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A police spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."


A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

Thank you folks, I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your waitress!

  #42  
Old 01-28-2007, 03:54 AM
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Ya hear about the newfie family that froze at the drive in?

They were watching "CLOSED FOR THE SEASON"



Newfies: Newfoundland residents, known in the great white north for not being too brite. And I be half Newfie dere buoy so I don't wants to hear nobody saying nuting bad about dem dere fine peoples.
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  #43  
Old 01-28-2007, 06:58 AM
DarthRetard DarthRetard is offline
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I'm guilty of this one....

GUy walks into my store, complaining about how this phone he bought from wal-mart didnt even have working parts... I couldnt resist.

"Sir, maybe it's a phony?"

Some one-liners
  #44  
Old 01-28-2007, 04:01 PM
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Default Some one-liners

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road”.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra..


What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh!


I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything else, trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.


A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He said to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”.


A man entered the local newspaper’s pun contest. He sent in three different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job and seamed more exciting than it was

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it so we parted.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just wasn't at home on the range

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

Mining was interesting, but then they gave me the shaft.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but my net income was reel low

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but there were too many undercurrents.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a history teacher until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind and the job had no perks.

So I retired and I found I am a perfect fit for the job!

  #45  
Old 02-01-2007, 06:20 PM
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Lace Neil Singer Lace Neil Singer is offline
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Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Two fish in a tank. One said to the other, "How do we drive this thing?"

Two sausages in a frying pan. One said to the other, "Hot enough for you?" The other screamed, "Argh! A talking sausage!"

Q: What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye beat the sh*t out of him.


OK, I'll stop now. >_<
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  #46  
Old 02-01-2007, 06:58 PM
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Quote:
Quoth Lace Neil Singer View Post
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?

He doesn't believe there really is a dog.
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  #47  
Old 02-02-2007, 06:58 PM
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The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheeseca! ke," sa id the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says - !

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Phoenix
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  #48  
Old 02-03-2007, 04:29 PM
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Q: What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler with a Labrador?
A: A dog that scares the sh*t out of you, then runs away with your toilet paper!
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  #49  
Old 02-04-2007, 08:40 PM
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Q: What does a buck-toothed cow say?

A: Moof!
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  #50  
Old 02-05-2007, 02:33 AM
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An oldie but goodie . . . .

There was once a hit man named Artie. He wasn't very good at his job, but he was persistent nonetheless.

A guy saw his ad in the paper and called upon him to do a hit on his wife. They both agreed on a nominal fee of one dollar.

A few days later, Artie followed the wife to the grocery store, whereupon he proceeded to strangle her on a deserted aisle.

Or so he thought it was deserted. Turned out there were two witnesses, who Artie proceeded to do away with as well before being caught by the police.

The next morning, the headline read in the local newspaper:

Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar at the A&P.
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