It's been a while, but here are some of the memorable customers I or my crew have dealt with over the last few months.
He Knows What He Wants
HIM: "I'll have a martini."
ME: "Would you like that up or on the rocks?"
HIM: "Cold."
She Can't Get What She Wants
Coworker answers phone for a delivery order...
CW: "Okay, I'll need your name and phone number."
CALLER: "I don't have those."
Why Couldn't He Be Beached On Another Island?
Customer says this is his first time on an island. Asks where the water is. I tell him, correctly, that he'll get to the water no matter which way he walks. Same customers goes on and on about how his best friend back home has been bartending for years, then leaves me no tip on his $20 tab. This was on a credit slip, upon which he had written in the total, so it's not like he forgot.
A New Kind of Beer
HIM: "What do you have for bottle drafts?"
ME: "Excuse me?"
HIM: "What do you have for bottle drafts?"
ME: *blink blink*
HIS FRIENDS:
HIM:
His friends and I were cracking up, and they continued to ride him long after I'd moved on. I'm sure they still are.
Film At Go Fuck Yourself
Camera crew comes in to film something for a TV show about Key West. Never asked permission, just did it. At one point, without asking, the cameraman gets behind the bar and is filming the talent at the bar. Rule #1 of bar etiquette is you NEVER go behind the bar without the bartender's permission. Annoyed, but trying to go along, I say nothing. Cameraman stops filming, now they are just chatting, he is still behind the bar, and in my way. I politely tell him that he needs to get out from behind the bar. He mutters an apology and does so. Later, filming again, he again comes behind the bar without asking permission. As I'm busier than the first time, and he's still in my way, this is even more annoying, but again, I try to be cool and say nothing. The group finishes up, and pays their tab of $34.50. And leaves me a whopping tip of $1.50. I hope the cameraman drops his huge camera on his tiny pecker, and that a faulty fuse electrocutes them all.
Charged
DRUNK GIRL: "Do you have an iPhone charger?"
ME: "Sorry, no."
[Five minute later...]
DRUNK GIRL: "Do you have an iPhone charger?"
ME: "Um, no."
[Two minutes later...]
DRUNK GIRL: "Are you SURE you don't have an iPhone charger back there?"
ME: "Nope, just like when you asked me the last two times, I don't have an iPhone charger."
DRUNK GIRL: "Oh, come on. I know you have one."
ME: "I really don't."
DRUNK GIRL: "You SO have an iPhone."
ME: "Actually, I have a Droid."
DRUNK GIRL: "I don't believe you."
ME: *shows her my Droid*
DRUNK GIRL: "..."
[Two minutes later...]
DRUNK GIRL: (To my coworker behind the bar with me) "Do YOU have an iPhone?"
COWORKER: "Yes."
DRUNK GIRL: "Do you have an iPhone charger???"
COWORKER: "No."
DRUNK GIRL:
ME AND MY COWORKER:
Come On Baby, Light My Fire
Very visibly drunk dude wanders in right at the end of my shift, unlit cigarette in hand.
HIM: "Hey, got a light?"
ME: [initially ignoring the fact that you can smoke in inside bars that serve food in Florida] "Nope. Don't smoke."
HIM: "You don't have any matches?"
ME: "No. As I told you, I don't smoke. And the bar doesn't carry matches, since you can't smoke in here due to state law."
HIM: "If I spent $500 in here--which I could--you'd find a light for me."
ME: "Sir, I can't make something I don't have simply appear."
MY UNSPOKEN THOUGHTS: "You're not spending any money in here, and based upon your appearance and condition, I doubt you could drop five bills in here. And even if you wanted to spend money here, you are far too fucked up for me to even consider serving your dumb drunk ass anyway."
HIM: "You just lost my business." (As if he was even a paying customer.)
ME: "Sir, I still can't make something appear out of nowhere."
HIM: *leaves*
ME AND MY COWORKER:
HUH???
CUSTOMER: "Can I have three bottles of water? And one of them no ice."
What's Below The Well, Lassie?
HER: "How much is a vodka cranberry?"
ME: "Well, that depends on the vodka."
HER: "Doesn't matter. Your well."
ME: "Six dollars."
HER: "Do you have anything cheaper than that?"
ME: "....That's our well."
So she and her friends got drinks and food, and loved everything. When it came time to pay, they handed me the check presenter and cheerfully said, "Keep the change!"
The bill was $56.08.
Inside the check presenter was three twenties, for a big fat tip of $3.92. I was shocked, I tell you. Utterly shocked.
Russian Sunrise?
CUSTOMER: "Can I get a margarita for the happy hour price?"
ME: "No, but you can get a Tequila Sunrise."
CUSTOMER: "Doesn't that have vodka in it?"
He Knows What He Wants
HIM: "I'll have a martini."
ME: "Would you like that up or on the rocks?"
HIM: "Cold."
She Can't Get What She Wants
Coworker answers phone for a delivery order...
CW: "Okay, I'll need your name and phone number."
CALLER: "I don't have those."
Why Couldn't He Be Beached On Another Island?
Customer says this is his first time on an island. Asks where the water is. I tell him, correctly, that he'll get to the water no matter which way he walks. Same customers goes on and on about how his best friend back home has been bartending for years, then leaves me no tip on his $20 tab. This was on a credit slip, upon which he had written in the total, so it's not like he forgot.
A New Kind of Beer
HIM: "What do you have for bottle drafts?"
ME: "Excuse me?"
HIM: "What do you have for bottle drafts?"
ME: *blink blink*
HIS FRIENDS:
HIM:
His friends and I were cracking up, and they continued to ride him long after I'd moved on. I'm sure they still are.
Film At Go Fuck Yourself
Camera crew comes in to film something for a TV show about Key West. Never asked permission, just did it. At one point, without asking, the cameraman gets behind the bar and is filming the talent at the bar. Rule #1 of bar etiquette is you NEVER go behind the bar without the bartender's permission. Annoyed, but trying to go along, I say nothing. Cameraman stops filming, now they are just chatting, he is still behind the bar, and in my way. I politely tell him that he needs to get out from behind the bar. He mutters an apology and does so. Later, filming again, he again comes behind the bar without asking permission. As I'm busier than the first time, and he's still in my way, this is even more annoying, but again, I try to be cool and say nothing. The group finishes up, and pays their tab of $34.50. And leaves me a whopping tip of $1.50. I hope the cameraman drops his huge camera on his tiny pecker, and that a faulty fuse electrocutes them all.
Charged
DRUNK GIRL: "Do you have an iPhone charger?"
ME: "Sorry, no."
[Five minute later...]
DRUNK GIRL: "Do you have an iPhone charger?"
ME: "Um, no."
[Two minutes later...]
DRUNK GIRL: "Are you SURE you don't have an iPhone charger back there?"
ME: "Nope, just like when you asked me the last two times, I don't have an iPhone charger."
DRUNK GIRL: "Oh, come on. I know you have one."
ME: "I really don't."
DRUNK GIRL: "You SO have an iPhone."
ME: "Actually, I have a Droid."
DRUNK GIRL: "I don't believe you."
ME: *shows her my Droid*
DRUNK GIRL: "..."
[Two minutes later...]
DRUNK GIRL: (To my coworker behind the bar with me) "Do YOU have an iPhone?"
COWORKER: "Yes."
DRUNK GIRL: "Do you have an iPhone charger???"
COWORKER: "No."
DRUNK GIRL:
ME AND MY COWORKER:
Come On Baby, Light My Fire
Very visibly drunk dude wanders in right at the end of my shift, unlit cigarette in hand.
HIM: "Hey, got a light?"
ME: [initially ignoring the fact that you can smoke in inside bars that serve food in Florida] "Nope. Don't smoke."
HIM: "You don't have any matches?"
ME: "No. As I told you, I don't smoke. And the bar doesn't carry matches, since you can't smoke in here due to state law."
HIM: "If I spent $500 in here--which I could--you'd find a light for me."
ME: "Sir, I can't make something I don't have simply appear."
MY UNSPOKEN THOUGHTS: "You're not spending any money in here, and based upon your appearance and condition, I doubt you could drop five bills in here. And even if you wanted to spend money here, you are far too fucked up for me to even consider serving your dumb drunk ass anyway."
HIM: "You just lost my business." (As if he was even a paying customer.)
ME: "Sir, I still can't make something appear out of nowhere."
HIM: *leaves*
ME AND MY COWORKER:
HUH???
CUSTOMER: "Can I have three bottles of water? And one of them no ice."
What's Below The Well, Lassie?
HER: "How much is a vodka cranberry?"
ME: "Well, that depends on the vodka."
HER: "Doesn't matter. Your well."
ME: "Six dollars."
HER: "Do you have anything cheaper than that?"
ME: "....That's our well."
So she and her friends got drinks and food, and loved everything. When it came time to pay, they handed me the check presenter and cheerfully said, "Keep the change!"
The bill was $56.08.
Inside the check presenter was three twenties, for a big fat tip of $3.92. I was shocked, I tell you. Utterly shocked.
Russian Sunrise?
CUSTOMER: "Can I get a margarita for the happy hour price?"
ME: "No, but you can get a Tequila Sunrise."
CUSTOMER: "Doesn't that have vodka in it?"
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