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In my former life as a barista for evil galactic Empirebucks.. I had a surprisingly modest # of SCs on a day in-day out basis. However, those I did encounter failed colossally, and lately I'd been sort of compiling a mental list.. So here goes.. Case Histories in episodes of Failure.
Woman.. you fail. I usually would not have thought twice when you ordered your venti, extra pump, mocha frappuccino lite with extra, extra whip, and extra, extra caramel drizzle. Except for the fact that you informed me you were ordering the "lite" version because you are "on a diet." Oh, such failure. First off, when Vaderbucks offers a "lite" selection, this does not mean "health food." It supposedly means the 24 ounces of sweet, creamy, chocolaty goodness you've just ordered is slightly less toxic than the non-"lite" version. But your failure increases exponentially when you drown that sweet frozen nectar of dairy creaminess with torrents of whip cream, which is not "lite" in the slightest, and the 3-inch thick layer of caramel sauce which you've insisted we cover your confection with. You've eliminated any beneficial health advantages to ordering the "lite" selection after the first dab of whip cream and the first smattering of caramel, and now have gone off into the realm of heart-stopping, life-shortening gluttony. Again, completely your business. But to sit here and tell me you are choosing your massive drink for dietary reasons, I can only conclude FAILURE, on an epic scale. Oh, and bonus points as you have chosen to wash down your delectable frozen nightmare with a piece of "reduced fat" blueberry coffee cake. again, deluded into thinking "reduced fat" = "healthy." FAIL. Ask yourself sometime.. reduced from what? A gallon of pure lard? Your coffee cake checks in at a modest 320 calories and 6 grams of fat. Not bad for a dessert, but in addition to the frozen monstrosity you just ordered, another straw of failure on the proverbial camel's back.
Sir, you fail. Your order of a grande soy latte was simple enough, until the part where you had to pay. It seems the idea of having to pay .40 additional for soy milk was foreign to you, and unacceptable. Why? Because the DickCheneybucks you usually go to, some 5 miles away, "never charges me for soy." Well, great. But I have to, and furthermore I informed you that the other store should have this whole time. What might a reasonable, non-failing at life SC do in this situation? Maybe pay their stinking 40 cents, leave, and realize all this time they've been getting a little something extra without paying. But of course not him. Better to rant and rave at me, consider this an "outrage," and finally, refuse to pay for the drink and let us know you're going back to the other store. Oh, the very many levels of exquisite failure. First off, this was already at the point when gas was exhorbantly overpriced, so your 5 mile journey in your giant SUV will surely cost you far more than the 40 cents you will be "saving." (Of course precious SC "principle" can be priceless). Secondly, I was telling the truth. not my rule, whether I agree or not. Gotta charge you for the soy. (It even says so on our menu). And finally, overhearing this whole exchange was the manager. Now my manager was relatively cool, but was in total corporate ass-sucking mode at the time, because he wanted to move up from managerhood to corporate. so what do you think he did the second soy milk SC left? Called manager at other store and informed him some of his baristas were giving away soy without charging.
Oh, what sweet, exquisite failure you've wrought upon yourself. Final verdict = FAIL.
And last but not least. You, entitled jack-ass who wants to pay for his $3 latte with a $100. Yes, you fail. Depending on when you come in, and what kind of mood the shift supervisor and/or manager is in, we might open our $20 bills drop box and change out your stupid-ass $100. However, if you've happen to come in when they've just changed out our till, or made a safe drop, sorry but you're S.O.L. So your arguments of "What? it's 2 pm, I know you have enough money to change $100," fails. Astute observation Lance Corporal Failsalot, However, amazingly we have a more advanced cash-handling system than to stuff our tills full of cash till they burst. We even have a safe, believe it or not, and maybe we don't want the reputation to go around town that by afternoons and evenings, we have giant wads of cash on hand for say, thieves to come rob us for, genius. (My store was in a fairly high-crime area, with armed robberies of restaurants and such fairly common.) Failure #2, there are oh about, 75 banks within a one-mile radius. When offered that as an alternative, you invoked the "SC principle" defense and refused. Very well SC. We will take your rants of "terrible customer service" to heart as you exit into the bleak emptiness of your failure-ridden existence. The jury's final decision = FAIL.
There are more where this came from, and I'll add them on as I remember them.
Woman.. you fail. I usually would not have thought twice when you ordered your venti, extra pump, mocha frappuccino lite with extra, extra whip, and extra, extra caramel drizzle. Except for the fact that you informed me you were ordering the "lite" version because you are "on a diet." Oh, such failure. First off, when Vaderbucks offers a "lite" selection, this does not mean "health food." It supposedly means the 24 ounces of sweet, creamy, chocolaty goodness you've just ordered is slightly less toxic than the non-"lite" version. But your failure increases exponentially when you drown that sweet frozen nectar of dairy creaminess with torrents of whip cream, which is not "lite" in the slightest, and the 3-inch thick layer of caramel sauce which you've insisted we cover your confection with. You've eliminated any beneficial health advantages to ordering the "lite" selection after the first dab of whip cream and the first smattering of caramel, and now have gone off into the realm of heart-stopping, life-shortening gluttony. Again, completely your business. But to sit here and tell me you are choosing your massive drink for dietary reasons, I can only conclude FAILURE, on an epic scale. Oh, and bonus points as you have chosen to wash down your delectable frozen nightmare with a piece of "reduced fat" blueberry coffee cake. again, deluded into thinking "reduced fat" = "healthy." FAIL. Ask yourself sometime.. reduced from what? A gallon of pure lard? Your coffee cake checks in at a modest 320 calories and 6 grams of fat. Not bad for a dessert, but in addition to the frozen monstrosity you just ordered, another straw of failure on the proverbial camel's back.
Sir, you fail. Your order of a grande soy latte was simple enough, until the part where you had to pay. It seems the idea of having to pay .40 additional for soy milk was foreign to you, and unacceptable. Why? Because the DickCheneybucks you usually go to, some 5 miles away, "never charges me for soy." Well, great. But I have to, and furthermore I informed you that the other store should have this whole time. What might a reasonable, non-failing at life SC do in this situation? Maybe pay their stinking 40 cents, leave, and realize all this time they've been getting a little something extra without paying. But of course not him. Better to rant and rave at me, consider this an "outrage," and finally, refuse to pay for the drink and let us know you're going back to the other store. Oh, the very many levels of exquisite failure. First off, this was already at the point when gas was exhorbantly overpriced, so your 5 mile journey in your giant SUV will surely cost you far more than the 40 cents you will be "saving." (Of course precious SC "principle" can be priceless). Secondly, I was telling the truth. not my rule, whether I agree or not. Gotta charge you for the soy. (It even says so on our menu). And finally, overhearing this whole exchange was the manager. Now my manager was relatively cool, but was in total corporate ass-sucking mode at the time, because he wanted to move up from managerhood to corporate. so what do you think he did the second soy milk SC left? Called manager at other store and informed him some of his baristas were giving away soy without charging.
Oh, what sweet, exquisite failure you've wrought upon yourself. Final verdict = FAIL. And last but not least. You, entitled jack-ass who wants to pay for his $3 latte with a $100. Yes, you fail. Depending on when you come in, and what kind of mood the shift supervisor and/or manager is in, we might open our $20 bills drop box and change out your stupid-ass $100. However, if you've happen to come in when they've just changed out our till, or made a safe drop, sorry but you're S.O.L. So your arguments of "What? it's 2 pm, I know you have enough money to change $100," fails. Astute observation Lance Corporal Failsalot, However, amazingly we have a more advanced cash-handling system than to stuff our tills full of cash till they burst. We even have a safe, believe it or not, and maybe we don't want the reputation to go around town that by afternoons and evenings, we have giant wads of cash on hand for say, thieves to come rob us for, genius. (My store was in a fairly high-crime area, with armed robberies of restaurants and such fairly common.) Failure #2, there are oh about, 75 banks within a one-mile radius. When offered that as an alternative, you invoked the "SC principle" defense and refused. Very well SC. We will take your rants of "terrible customer service" to heart as you exit into the bleak emptiness of your failure-ridden existence. The jury's final decision = FAIL.
There are more where this came from, and I'll add them on as I remember them.
Oh my gourd, I thought I was going to go into a sugar coma just reading that! Just... oh gross....
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