The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[XCashier]

Dear Ms Brat,

You know a lawyer? Great! So do we! I'm sure they'll meet sometime in the very near future, specifically on the date of your court summons. We have the antics of you and your children on videotape, plus a list of all the items you have stolen, written statements from customers and employees who have witnessed your shenanigans, as well as the countersuit the singer is filing against your linebacker-sized Anthony for shattering his shin.

I'm glad you know a lawyer. You're going to need all the help you can get.

Don Tsteal,
Manager, Glass Menagerie Gifts

* * * * *

Dear Fabric Store Manager,

I came into your store with intention of decorating my fabulous nightclub. I corralled your lowly servant girl and demanded that she measure out all the fifty-two bolts I had picked out. When she asked me if I'd taken measurements of what I needed to cover, I could not believe her audacity. Who takes measurements before they begin a project? You just grab what you need and get moving!

Well, when I abandoned her to her work to get more fabric, I came back to the cutting table and she'd gone! When I demanded to know where the servant had gone, her fellow servant said some nonsense about helping other customers. What rot! Those proles aren't spending nearly as much as I would have, and I demand to be waited on hand and foot! I mean, I am a famous nightclub owner! What do they do? Naturally I walked out without all that fabric.

I am insulted and incensed that your lowly servant girl wouldn't drop everything and serve me and only me. I demand that she be burned at the stake and you give me a million dollar gift card and send some more servants over to decorate my place!

Sincerely,
Hugh Jego-Maniac, owner,
Deca Dance Night Club

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Jego-Maniac,

Our employees are not your servants and there are other customers besides you so you'll have to accept that. All of your requests are denied and none of my employees will be decorating your place.

Sincerely,

Fabric Store Manager



Dear Japanese Restaurant Owner,

I recently came to your restaurant and ordered salmon sushi. When I took a bite, I realized that it was raw. I informed your waitress and she told me that the salmon is supposed to be raw in sushi. I told her to cook it and she had the nerve to insist that the salmon in sushi is not cooked. I want this waitress fired for being rude to me and free salmon sushi; with the salmon cooked. If you don't do this, I will report you to the board of health.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Salmonsushi

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Salmonsushi:

I am sorry to hear of your bad experience. We have taken salmon sushi off our menu. However, as a goodwill gesture, I would like to invite you back to our restaurant to enjoy fugu, specially prepared by our new sushi chef. He may have only one eye and only one arm, but we feel he's as good as they come. So if you let us know when you'd like to drop by, we'll be ready and waiting.

Tays T. Fish

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear D-Reg Airlines:

I was booked on the flight from St. Louis to New York. There was a heavy ice storm, and pieces were falling off the plane, but the flight went on as scheduled because some people complained they wouldn't know what to do if the flight was canceled and had a lot of frequent flyer miles or something.

Half an hour into the flight the plane nosedived into a cornfield and exploded. I'm dead now, along with everybody else on the plane.

What kind of airline puts service over the bottom line anyway?

Know that I will never fly your airline again, what with me being dead and all.

Regards,
Ima Stiff

[XCashier]

Dear Ms Stiff,

Wow, I'm impressed. This is the first time I've gotten a complaint letter via Ouija Board.

We have settled out of court with your next of kin, so rest well.

Sincerely,
Shaw D. Workmanship, Owner,
D-Reg Airlines

* * * * *

Deer Grossery Store Corprate,

I was in yore place buying my food and chattin with yore purty little casheer. Well, I was all friendly-like, maybe sed a few remarks about them nice big titties she was sportin. Then she gets all riled up, like an ol wet hen and calls a manajur over! Well, they all had a nasty attitude and demanded I leave the store!

I wuz insulted and thrown out, all cuz I was just chattin with some cute little big-titty girl! Ain't that allowed anymore? Where's my Freedom of Speach? I demand a big settlement and a date with that girl or you won't get none of my money no more!

Sinseerely,
Nass T. Sleaze

[nicolecj]

Mr. Sleaze,

The 'big-titty girl' happens to be the wife of the owner of this franchise. She was helping out because the regular cashier could not be here due to the impending snow storm. she is a wonderful woman who is always willing to help her employees and she inspires great loyalty. As a corporate employee, I personally investigated this incident. After reviewing the tapes i can tell you that you not only spoke to the woman in question, but also laid hands upon her in such a way that we have enacted a permanant restraining order against you to prevent you from coming within 500 yard of both the store and the woman in question. I would like to take this opportunity to point out that the woman you assulted is also an enthusiastic member of NRA.

The employee that you punched and bit with your three teeth is also filing a lawsuit against you for punative damages. We are providing him with a top notch lawyer. Given the fact that the judge has enacted the restraining order, we feel no need to placate you or acceed to your childish demands so you will receive no further communication from us unless you come to the store, in which case you will receive a visit from a police officer.

After one of your 'friends' translates this into whatever language you speak, take this chance to study the english language. It is a thing of beauty.

Have a nice life, and try to stay 500 yards away at all times!

Ayard I Sthreefeet

To Whom This May Concern:

I made use of your call system today and was horrified to find an actual person answered. I did not wish to speak to a human and was extremely flustered and unable to complete my transaction. As a result I was assessed a $35.00 late fee.

Since the late fee and my distress are due to your associates extremely unprofessional behavior in answering the phone, I believe that my $35.00 late fee should be removed and my total balance of $45,000 should be forgiven. I do not believe such incompetence should be tolerated and if you don't show me that you agree with me I will take my business else where!

Sincerely

Ima Greedybeeoch

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Greedybeotch:

In accordance with your complaint, we have fired all our customer service representatives and outsourced their jobs to Outer Slobovia. So not only can you consider your late fees valid and payable, but you also get the satisfaction of putting hard-working Americans out of work. Congratulations.

I.M.D Bigshot

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Pay N' Get Out Department Store:

My daughter visited your store last week after school with a couple friends. They told her to stand around and watch for store employees while they went down a different aisle.

Next thing my daughter knew, she was locked up in an office in the back someplace, accused of being an "accessory." Hello? The girls went nowhere near the jewelry department? All that happened was my daughter stood and watched for store employees while her friends stuffed bags of circus peanuts down their shirts, pants and into their coats. Why did my daughter get dragged into that office with the police along with her friends?

Might I remind you the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution states that nobody can be deprived of life, liberty, or pursuit of happiness without due process of law. Obviously your security gestapo aren't familiar with this concept.

Besides my daughter is a good girl. That one girl she was with is a TRAMP and her mother's a troublemaker. Did you know that many years ago she was arrested at that same store for stealing a cassette single of the song "Friends and Lovers" by Gloria Loring and Carl Anderson? I know because I was there with her.

Drop the charges against my daughter and lift the ban against her from the store, or else I will sue you and my daughter and I will never shop at your store again.

Low. Z. Parent

[purplecat41877]

Dear Low Z. Parent,

Your daughter was an accomplice so she's just as guilty as her friends. Therefore we will not drop the charges nor lift the ban.

Sincerely,

Department Store Manager




Dear Craft Store Manager,

I was recently in your store buying some yarn and supplies. When I got to the counter, your rude employee refused to give me my senior discount. I told her that I would be graduating high school this year and she still made me pay full price. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and free yarn for the 4 years I'll be in college or I will never shop at your store again.

Sincerely,

H. S. Senior

[XCashier]

Dear H. S. Senior,

Hang on, I recognize you! I saw you at the liquor store the other day! When the cashier asked for your ID, you showed him your High School ID, and then yelled at him for not accepting it.

Frankly, I'm amazed they're letting you graduate on time, as dense as you are. They must be as sick of your crap as all the stores around here are.

As for the senior discount, that's for senior citizens, 65 years and over, NOT High School Seniors! Your request is denied.

Sincerely,
Flora L'Arrangement,
Big Pile O' Craft store

*****

Dear KFC,

I can't believe how rude your employees are! All I wanted was a hamburger for lunch, and they wouldn't serve me one! They spouted some nonsense about how they didn't have hamburgers at KFC, and told me to read the menu. I'm the customer, I shouldn't have to read! And everyplace serves hamburgers!

I want a zillion dollar gift card for my trouble, and all the free hamburgers I can eat!

Sincerely,
Red Meateater

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Mr. Meateater:
We don't serve hamburgers, therefore your request has been denied.
Sincerely,
Chick N. Sandwich
KFC customer service

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear clothing store:
i went to one of your stores and I was appalled at the lack of service I received. First of all I asked an employee what material made up some pants. The rude employee told me to read the label. Next, I went to try on some shoes but you incompetent employees wouldn't buckle my shoe for me. Then I said I had a problem with a bra. I was wearing the bra at the time . The employee asked to see the bra and I told your rude employee I was wearing it. She said that undergarments could help me! She is lazy!When i finally got some one to help me I fellt like a special needs person because of the way they explained things. Lastly I asked one of your employees what size I would take and she said a 12! a 12!!! I am appalled!!! I am writing about my experiences for a major newspaper.
Sincerely:

I. Bea Ahack

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Ahack,

Our employees are there to help serve customers but they are not your servants. If you need help shopping, I would suggest that you bring someone who knows about clothing when you come back here.

Speaking of which, I must ban you from the store. Based on how you acted, all of my employees have refused to serve you again.

Sincerely,

F. Ashion
Clothing Store Manager




Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I came to your store after a late evening at the office and your store was closed. I told the employees to let me in and they refused so I used a cart to smash the window. One of the employees had the nerve to call the police and have me arrested. I want these employees fired for being rude to me, the charges dropped, and a $400 gift card to make up for being arrested or I will never shop at your store again.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Late

[Daemonmonkey]

Dear Mrs. Late

At the time you will get out from jail due to all of your law-breaking activities, all of the employees will have retired. Regarding your claim for a gift card, what would you do with it in jail?

And think that we can survive without your monthly $2 "shopping".

Sincerely

Mr Big
Grocery Store Manager

=====================

Dear Automotive Dealer

I bought a car from you, but it stopped running after 50 miles. The tow-truck driver said that this is what happens when the car runs out of gas.

This is OUTRAGEOUS. You didn't tell me that cars can run out of gas! I demand that you make my car independent of gas, or that you provide me with lifetime suppy of gas free of charge!

If you don't carry out my request, I will sue you and bring over my buddies from Hells Angels to pay you a courtesy visit!

Sincerely

Mr. Dou Ch. Ebag

[Mycroft]

Dear Mr. Ebag:

Oh, do feel free to discuss your issues with us with your "friends" in the Outlaws. I am sure that they strongly appreciate being called Angels, and will gladly show their appreciation on you. I assume also that they, unlike you, have graduated from elementary school, and know that internal combustion engines (like those in cars and motorcycles) require gasoline to operate, and that that gasoline has to be replaced occasionally. They might show you how that works, too - I hear exhaust pipes make great straws.

As I expect that even after you get out of the hospital, driving will be a challenge for you, your request for free gas is denied. We do appreciate your being a customer of AD, however, so I have attached information on receiving low-cost bus passes for seniors and the disabled.

Sincerely,
I. Ver, LLD., on behalf of
C. Heavy, Managing Director,
Automotive Dealer.

================================================== ===

Dear Support Manager:

I bought your product and its support contract a week ago, and it still isn't running. When I called in, the person that answered wouldn't install it for me like I asked; not only that, she wouldn't tell me what to do while I did it. She actually referred me to the MANUAL! If I wanted to know how it worked, I would have accepted your company's offer of a demo.

Furthermore, I am not just any Joe Blow with a computer, I am an official Windows Administrator. How dare you think the receptionist can answer my calls? And yet, when I asked her, politely, if there was a real technician I could speak to, she told me she'd check. But the guy I got after the transfer told me that only Sally knew that specific part of the product well enough to help, and transferred me back! You'll go out of business if you don't hire techs that are better than the secretary.

If I don't hear back tomorrow with details of when your technician will be flying out here to set up my software, and a free year's extension to my support contract, I will be telling all my friends on Facebook and Twitter about your shoddy service.

Yours,
P. E. B. Cak, B.Sc., A+, MCSE, ESO
VP Network Administration
Entitlement World, Inc.

(I wish I could say I was making any of this up - M)

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Cak,

My secretary was correct in referring you to the manual. Learn to read it.

Sincerely,

Head Tech



Dear Cable Company,

I was trying to watch On Demand and an error message came up. I called and your rude secretary told me that they were doing maintenance. This ruined my entire night and I had to find something else to do. I demand free cable for the next two months to make up for my ruined night or I will switch cable companies.

Sincerely,

Mr. Cable

[nicolecj]

Dear Ms Cable,

We stopped by your home, and you were maintaining your sidewalk by shoveling it. Since you chose to do maintaince on your property without regard to our wanting to walk on it right that moment, we demand a settlement equal to the cost of your cable for the next two months, payable in two installments. If you agree to our settlement for doing your maintaince on your schedule instead of ours, we will do the same.

With no regrets,

S.C. Hater


To whom it may concern:

I called to cancel my service yesterday. They told me that to cancel I had to pay them. I think this is totally unfair. They pointed out that I signed a contract or something saying I would. Who reads contracts anyways? I don't think that I should have to pay it. I demand you remove the charge so I can have service with the competitor.

Sincerely,
Shame Less

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Shame Less,
The contract you signed is a legal binding document. Since you refuse to pay the cancellation fee as per the contract we are turning your account over to collections.
Sincerely,

Reed B. Foresigning

---------------------------------------------------------

Dear food company,

I saw one of your ads where a child said "piehole" this is gratuitous and shameful language. It is not enough that I see the dregs of society from my office in a grocery store, i now have to put up with it on TV. I demand that you pull this ad and give me free products for life because of the emotional trauma that hearing that sort of language has caused my children.
Sincerely,

Mrs. Richard Head