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Attention Americans
  #1  
Old 12-25-2009, 10:12 PM
Lace Neil Singer's Avatar
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Default Attention Americans

(Note: THIS IS A JOKE. Posting this cuz I have posted this JOKE elsewhere and had rantage from people who can't see that this is a JOKE.)

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2010. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.* Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without the fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

*Baseball is, in fact, a popular sport in Japan and its surrounding countries. However, as their teams are never invited to partake in the 'World Series', the point still stands.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian; though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are actually called crisps. Real chips are thickly cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance, five grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. This quantity is to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all; it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. The substances formerly known as American beer will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,' with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as 'Weak, Near-Frozen Knat's Urine.' This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th, the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2010) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK; it's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
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Last edited by Lace Neil Singer; 05-27-2010 at 02:08 PM. Reason: Election. XXD

  #2  
Old 12-27-2009, 02:50 AM
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Gee, I don't know about this. It is a very dangerous thing to do. Once Americans find out about the TV tax the British levy, the new revolution will make the old one look like a stroll in the park. I would advise total implementation of #7 before you tell Americans about the TV tax.
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  #3  
Old 12-29-2009, 04:33 AM
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ill agree with # 4, 10 and 12, and partially with 11 as most of my fellow southern neighbors think that tea must be consumed with mass quantities of sugar. bleah
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  #4  
Old 12-30-2009, 12:40 AM
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Quote:
Quoth SteeleDragon78 View Post
ill agree with # 4, 10 and 12, and partially with 11 as most of my fellow southern neighbors think that tea must be consumed with mass quantities of sugar. bleah
Is there any other way to drink tea than sweet with lemon?

It's known as the house wine of the South. . . according to Truvy in Steel Magnolias.
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  #5  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:41 AM
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Quote:
Quoth DGoddessChardonnay View Post
Is there any other way to drink tea than sweet with lemon?
Er, yes? No milk, no sugar, and just Assam or Ceylon tea in there. Absolutely top hole!

Rapscallion

  #6  
Old 01-01-2010, 04:17 AM
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#4. I agree. There should be a constitutional amendment prohibiting the remake of Brit shows in the US. As such, BBC America should be required to show all Brit shows in the US. We will also need to ban the import Canadian remakes.

#5. I have to admit, God Save the Queen is easier to sing than The Star Spangled Banner.

#6. You have some valid points. I would like to see how some of our NFL all stars would hold up in a ruby match. And if we let the Japanese play in the World Series, some of our MBA player might learn some humility. By the way, are you going to make the people in Boston learn how to pronounce Celtics?

#9. If you haven't heard, we are already working on getting rid of American car manufactures. Ford appears to be the strong hold out.

#10. I would suggest that you look up the cooking term "to french". It will clear up a lot of the misunderstanding. As for the potato chip... We invented it. We'll call it like we damn well please. Now I would like you to teach more people how to make Meat Pies, Sausage Rolls, Pasties and Shepherd's Pie. You can keep the Haggis.

#11. I'm good with that. Never did like Boston. Note: See disclaimer at bottom.

#12. When will you start shipping greater quantities? While your at it, can you get Oz to send something other than Foster's? Foster's: Australian for "We won't drink this. Send it to the Yanks."

#15. Current theory is that it was MI-8. Shows how much you know about your own government.

#7. I saved this for last. Please feel free to come take our guns. We will give them to you... Bullets first. That unfortunately, shoots a hole in the rest of your plan.

As the OP noted, this is a joke. I did enjoy my last visit to Boston.
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  #7  
Old 01-02-2010, 03:11 AM
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#6. Send your English rugby team to Utah. We've got a lot of Polynesian ruggers that will persuade them to revert to cricket... fast!
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  #8  
Old 01-02-2010, 08:08 AM
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You may have invented potato chips, but it was us Canadians that decided they needed to created in every flavour known to man regardless of sanity. >.>

  #9  
Old 01-02-2010, 04:12 PM
Lace Neil Singer's Avatar
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Canada isn't included, I don't think. XD

Quote:
Please feel free to come take our guns. We will give them to you... Bullets first. That unfortunately, shoots a hole in the rest of your plan.
Sorry, no can do. We have a magnet primed and ready; so I think you'll find your fingers breaking if you attempt to bypass this rule.
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  #10  
Old 01-03-2010, 05:21 AM
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Quoth Lace Neil Singer View Post
Sorry, no can do. We have a magnet primed and ready; so I think you'll find your fingers breaking if you attempt to bypass this rule.
ah but my guns are composite, no magnet can beat my fiberglass and resin guns hahahaha
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