Of Buses, Bills, and Blame.

[Jester]

Before my stories, I have to ask a question. Specifically, to the guy in the big bus that slowed down at the T intersection at which I was stopped at a stop sign, and then waved me to go....and then as I did so, started to drive, almost running me and my little truck over. My question is simply this: are you a completely incompetent driver, do you have multiple personalities that are in charge of driving, or are you a sociopath that just wants to cause my death?

For What It's Worth

So one of my customers tipped me with three $2 bills. Which, as some of you may know, I have a bit of an obsession with. And I said to the guy, "Oh, man...you're feeding the beast." And I showed him my collection of $2 bills in the zipper section of my wallet, which now numbers over 50. And he chuckled. And then, his wife chimed in....

WIFE: "You should save those. One day, they may be worth something."
JESTER: "They're worth something now."
WIFE: "Oh really? What are they worth?"
JESTER: "Two dollars."

At which point the husband started cracking up, and the wife just laughed her embarrassed laugh, realizing she had really stepped in it. I just laughed along with them and said to her, "Darlin', you can't make it that easy on me!"

Blame Canada

I was really busy on Friday. And by really busy, I mean slamming, ridiculous, balls to the wall, running for my life, insane busy. As in, we open at 11:00, and by 3:00 I had sold more than my Monday and Tuesday shifts combined.

So...one pair of customers ordered a pair of Guinnesses. I poured the Guinnesses, they drank the Guinnesses, they seemed to enjoy the Guinnesses (hey, who wouldn't enjoy the nectar of the gods?), and they asked for their bill. I proffered their bill, they paid with a credit card, and they left. All of this is very mundane and standard, right? Right.

Until I got to the point of actually looking at the credit card slip. Which was both insulting and funny, all at the same time.

Quick background: we pour 20 ounce Guinnesses, also sometimes referred to as Imperial Pints. We charge $6.50 for said 20 ounce draft Guinnesses, a pretty reasonable price when you consider that we are in Key West, Florida, which is not known for being a cheap place.

I say all this as a prelude so you can understand why I was taken aback by their credit slip. For the two 20 ounce draft Guinnesses, their bill was $13. On the slip, they had written a zero in on the tip line, written $13.00 in for their total, and signed it. But they felt the need to explain why they had not tipped me anything. I quote the note they added to the margin of the credit slip: "Thirteen dollars for two beers? Do you think this is Canada?"

Wait, what? Seriously?!?

Let's review their line of thinking.
1. Apparently Canada is expensive.
2. Apparently Key West is now cheap.
3. Apparently $13 for two 20 ounce draft Guinnesses is a ridiculous price.
4. And apparently, I, the bartender, have some input on what the beer prices are, so I should be punished for this.

I have paid far more than $6.50 for a MILLER LITE in Miami. Hell, forget other towns, I've seen higher prices in Key West. But I guess to these people, such fancy high dollar prices for a basic beer like, say, Guinness (generally considered a premium beer in every bar everywhere in this country) is just too much. And because of that, despite the fact that the bartender did his job, got the beers quickly and efficiently, even pouring them correctly (as not all bartenders pour Guinnesses correctly), ran the credit card quickly and efficiently, and did all this while running around to try to take care of the flood of customers he had, it is perfectly appropriate to not only NOT tip him, but to make a point of saying why not.

To this lovely couple I say, politely and efficiently....go fuck yourselves. And know that my entire staff had a good laugh at your idiocy, your ignorance, and your blatant cheapness. I hope you both choke on your next beers, and that you are in a place that is so cheap that they not only charge the prices you prefer, but that they only have staff on hand that is too stupid to know the Heimlich maneuver.

And to Canada I ask, what the hell did you guys do to piss these people off? I always thought you were a polite bunch. And I've never heard about your prices being exorbitant or anything. Did I miss a memo?

[Mr Hero]

Uh oh, someone angered the Gods.

[Sapphire Silk]

Sounds like two jerks trying to justify stiffing the barkeep on the tip. Jerks.

But . . . curious: how DO you properly pour a Guinness? I usually drink it from the bottle, so I've never tried to pour it. How does it vary from other beers (which I likewise never pour)?

[Canarr]

You drank MILLER LITE? Intentionally?

Ups, sorry... that wasn't the central part of the story, right? But, still... Miller Lite? Damn.

About the Canada reference: I can only guess that it was a reference to the fact that Canadian dollars are worth slightly less than US dollars, thus generating a "higher price" for items. Still, they were douchebags.

[EvilEmpryss]

What is it with people who feel the need to justify their crappy tipping practices? If you have a problem with service, put your big girl panties on and talk to the bartender or ask for the manager. Don't be a douche and leave a note that can't be answered.

And if you're just that big a tight wad that you don't want to tip, just don't tip. You only make yourself look worse by leaving whiny messages that have nothing to do with the price of tea in China.

[Jester]

Sapphire, a "properly" poured draft Guinness involves filling up the glass 3/4 of the way, letting it settle, and then finishing it off. Of course, I've heard that a TRULY properly poured Guinness should take about 7 minutes, but Americans are not known for their patience, so that might be pushing it. Although, to be fair, most people who drink Guinness are not in a hurry, and if they are, they clearly do not know how a Guinness should be properly poured, or are impatient douchebags, or both. (I have only ever had one person at The Bar get impatient for a draft Guinness.)

As for drinking Guinness from the bottle, well, not to be too much of a beer snob here, but if you haven't had a Guinness draft, then you haven't had a Guinness. Myself, I only drink it on draft, unless we are doing Irish Car Bombs, in which case it won't be around long enough to be savored.

Canarr, yes, I have drank Miller Lite intentionally. Other lame beers as well. These things happen. Don't be shocked. My tastes and my bank account don't always see eye to eye. Also, sometimes better beers aren't available. And a cold Miller Lite is better than no beer at all.

Evil, I don't know that they were trying to justify themselves, so much as they were expressing umbrage with me that I would DARE to price a premium beer at such a high price. (Which, by the way, everyone I know, beer drinkers or not, agree that $6.50 for a 20 ounce draft Guinness in Key West is not over the top.)

[Victory Sabre]

I think I can get a 25 oz Guinness for about $6, with tax, so $6.50 is not out of line at all for the nectar of the gods.

Now $6.50 for Miller Light? Ekkkkkkkk. I guess it's better than nothing, but not much.

[Dadeo]

"Thirteen dollars for two beers? Do you think this is Canada?"

If I could find a pub that had $6.50 Guinness on tap... it would be my home away from home.

And to Canada I ask, what the hell did you guys do to piss these people off? I always thought you were a polite bunch. And I've never heard about your prices being exorbitant or anything. Did I miss a memo?

It's not very well known, but once a year we pick a random couple from every country and treat them very badly: selling them nosebleed seats to a hockey game, watering down their maple syrup, only saying "eh" once per conversation... that kind of thing. Just to let everyone know we're not always the nice kid next door.

[TonyDonuts]

If they're taking umbrage at having to pay that for good beer, they should have stayed home.

As the great philosopher Mr. Dave Barry once said, "If you're too cheap to tip, you're too cheap to eat out."

[BearLeeBadenaugh]

Jeez, $6.50 for a Guinness? I guess I'm too used to Wisconsin podunk town prices. Guinness is only $4 at the single local bar with it on tap. Bottles of domestic are usually $2 each, and buck tappers aren't uncommon.

[Dave1982]

big bus that slowed down at the T intersection at which I was stopped at a stop sign, and then waved me to go....and then as I did so, started to drive, almost running me and my little truck over.

Did anyone else think of the evil trucker from Duel when they read this?

[dendawg]

I remember once at a sports bar I ordered a Guinness....the server brought out a glass and a can.

[BlaqueKatt]

Jeez, $6.50 for a Guinness? I guess I'm too used to Wisconsin podunk town prices. Guinness is only $4 at the single local bar with it on tap. Bottles of domestic are usually $2 each, and buck tappers aren't uncommon.

Madison price on Guinness is around $5-$6 for a pint(16oz), and not many places have it on tap. I've recently become quite fond of Somersby Cider, which runs $4 a bottle(12oz).

[Sapphire Silk]

Sapphire, a "properly" poured draft Guinness involves filling up the glass 3/4 of the way, letting it settle, and then finishing it off. <snip>

Thanks!

As for drinking Guinness from the bottle, well, not to be too much of a beer snob here, but if you haven't had a Guinness draft, then you haven't had a Guinness. Myself, I only drink it on draft, unless we are doing Irish Car Bombs, in which case it won't be around long enough to be savored.

Haven't had it draft. Bottle is OK, to my surprise the can was better. The one time I thought I was getting it on draft, they gave me a can (this was at a high quality restaurant, too).

And a cold Miller Lite is better than no beer at all.

I respectfully beg to differ. I'd rather drink nothing at all than Miller lite, Coors lite, Bud lite and most American beers that are not craft beers. Yuck.

(Which, by the way, everyone I know, beer drinkers or not, agree that $6.50 for a 20 ounce draft Guinness in Key West is not over the top.)

I see those kinds of prices in places with lots of tourist traffic, or high priced restaurants. If you want to drink, you pay the prices, or you don't drink. Basic supply and demand. Obviously, people are willing to pay the price, or it would come down.

[Amajean]

I always tip my bartender. ALWAYS.