The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Rection,

Enclosed is a pamplet which'll explain what Dr. Johnson meant by climax. We've also enclosed a few more items you and your girlfriend will need.

B. E. Safe
Manager



Dear Unemployment Manager,

No one will hire me and I don't know why. I go to interviews, bawl my eyes out, and say how badly I need a job. I demand you find someone that will hire me on the spot. If you don't, I will post on Facebook that you don't care to find jobs for those who really need it.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Emotional

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Emotional,

We cannot guarantee that everyone that sets foot in our office gets a job. However, crying at job interviews is considered unprofessional. We suggest that you take our job finding class so your job search will be easier. Also, I would suggest not posting that on Facebook. That can hurt you job prospects.

Sincerely,

Fred Merkle

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Dear Happy Clouds Flights,

I saw your video on YouTube. You took off in your little aircraft with another woman. When you were up in the air, a cat emerged from your wing. You turned the aircraft around and landed safely. I know what you're really up to. You intentionally put that cat so you could bring attention to yourself which you were obviously successful.

I will find irrefutable proof of your animal cruelty. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid

[Link to video.]

[Kristev]

Dr. Mrs. Noid,

Your husband has been returned to our clinic and his meds have been readjusted, but we hoped he enjoyed his flight on Bast Air Lines just to go and see you. He won't be bothering you again. We promise.

Signed,

Dr. X,

You'll Never See Them Again Asylum.

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Dear Rainbow Mansion,

I was at one of your murder mystery weekends with my wife and several other people, where you're supposed to work out who murdered the hostess, Lady White, and then later on, her husband, Lord White, her brother, Captain Black, and the household staff. The potential killers are the members of the Rainbow Gang, Miss Jennifer Sky, Sir Lucien Sunflower, Mrs. Samantha Apricot, Professor Anthony Crimson, Doctor Victoria Jade, and Sergeant David Lilac of the police. And it's up to us to help, and feed clues from cards, to the members of the gang as they, and we, investigate the killer.

Well, we were all told to write down guests, and the top chosen two would also be murdered. Naturally I chose my wife. So why was I arrested, and not one of the Rainbow Gang and the one single killer, Miss Jennifer Sky, allowed to go free? Just because the other dead people got up, and my wife didn't! I demand that you release me from police custody and give me a lifetime of free passes to your show, including the right to decide for everyone who will die among the guests! And a billion dollars!

If you refuse, I'll sue you, and Miss Jennifer Sky, for the murder of my wife!

Signed,

Adam Lyre.

[XCashier]

To the Chief of Police,

Enclosed is the video of last weekend's performance of The Rainbow Mansion Mystery. As you can see, one Adam Lyre grabbed a real steak knife off the table, stabbed his wife and tried to frame Donna Prima, the actress who plays Miss Jennifer Sky in our production. It's a good thing we record these shows for souvenirs.

Fortunately, the actress who plays Doctor Victoria Jade, Lisa Hu, is an actual doctor. Doctor Hu was able to provide medical assistance to the badly wounded Mrs. Heeza Lyre, and she will make a full recovery. We will assist in any way we can to get that lunatic Mr. Lyre in prison where he belongs.

Regards,
Ray Nbow, director
Rainbow Mansion Mysteries

* * * * *

Dear Poshsuites Hotel,

My boyfriend was staying at your hotel. When I found out, I went to see him and the clerk wouldn't tell me which room he was in! I kept asking him, over and over and over, and he would not give me the information I wanted!

This is bad service! I demand a million dollars for my trouble, and so I can buy a tracking device to implant in my boyfriend so he won't ditch me again.

Sincerely,
Dee Manding

[darkroxas45]

Dear Ms. Manding,
Your now Ex-Boyfriend gave us strict orders to not tell you which room he was staying and to call the police if you should show up, as he has a restraining order against you. If you step foot on our grounds again we will have you arrested for trespassing as you are now BANNED from our hotel.
signed,
Lux orius

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Dear S mart,
I was in your store a week ago to pick up my new shotgun when your clerk suddenly disappeared. This is very rude of him and when he suddenly came back he was dressed in a torn shirt and had a chainsaw on his hand. I don't care if your workers want to play dressup but when they are at their job they are to kiss the ground I walk on and the butt I sit on.
I demand 100 trillion dollars and free ammo for the rest of my life.
signed,
Remmy Ton

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Ton,

I'm afraid that was not our employee you were describing. That was a man that believe that he was some sort of monster. The police went to that location and neutralized that sick individual. All we can do in that situation is to evacuate the store and call the police.

We apologize for your experience, but we must decline your request. Here's a gift card for $50.

Sincerely,

Smith Wesson, District Manager, S Mart

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Dear Bank,

I was in your bank, talking to my buddy, Austin, about how the wbs, ns, and fs were ruining the great state of Texas. Then I saw him. He was a big, tall white guy. I just knew he was a true Texan.

Imagine my shock and embarrassment when he said he was from North Carolina, NORTH Carolina. That caused Austin to burst out laughing. How dare you send a damn Yankee down to our fine state of Texas? I demand that you take your Yankee as back to whatever hole you Yankee pieces of s came from. While you're at it, take all of the wbs, ns, and fs with you.

F you,

Dallas Houston

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Houston,

We accept all kinds of people but we don't tolerate that kind of language. In the future, please watch what you say since we sometimes have children come here with their parents.

Sincerely,

C. Ash
Manager



Dear Powerplant Manager,

My power was out for 2 days and it's all your fault. You're supposed to know when my power goes out and fix it immediately. I demand you give me $200 off my bill for the next four months and that you replace all of my food that went bad (list is attached). If you don't, I will come to your house and shut off your power so you can find out what it's like to lose power.

Sincerely,

P. Ower

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Ower,

Your power was out because you didn't pay your bill. That's not our fault. We gave you chance after chance.

If you want your power kept on, you have to pay your bills or buy your own generator. It's just that simple.

Signed,

Big William 'Bill' Enforcement,

Collections manager at In A Flash Power.

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Dear Gla-Dae Home Fragrance Company,

I went to Neverclose Supermarket and purchased the entire supply of 4th of July celebratory candles, especially the Strawberry, Blueberry, and Mulberry mixture candles, which I had strewn all over the house so that my friends could come by and be so impressed by my display, and how good my house smelled.

So when those candles burned out, I went and got more candles and lit them. Then we went outside to watch the fireworks.

But the woman next door, a grumpy old Brit who doesn't like the 4th of July and wanted to go home and visit her kids but couldn't afford it this year, came running up to me. At first I thought she was getting over herself and wanted to join our festivities, but instead she embarrassed me in front of all my guests by showing us all that my house was on fire! She said "Since I hate the 4th of July because I simply detest noise, I was inside instead of watching the fireworks like the rest of the neighborhood. But because I wasn't watching the fireworks, I was able to notice the fire, while the rest of you didn't."

I demand that you replace my house, give me ten billion dollars for my pain and suffering and trauma, and to replace everything in my now completely ruined house, and a lifetime supply of candles! If you refuse, I will go on the television and social media and explain that your horrible candles burn down houses! And if that doesn't work, I will light candles all over the supermarket!

The only reason I'm not suing for hotel bills is because the grumpy Brit let my family stay with her for a while, otherwise I and my children would have nowhere to go.

Signed

Mr. Toddy Lee Brainless.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Brainless,

Fire is used to light candles which can burn things including houses so leaving the candles unattended wasn't the brightest thing to do. Therefore, you'll be getting nothing.

Sincerely,

S. Afety
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

You had no right to fire me. All I did was smoke a cigarette at my register because the customers were driving me up the wall with their ridiculous requests. I demand you rehire me and allow me to smoke whenever and wherever I want. If you don't, I will set the cigarette display on fire.

Sincerely,

Virginia Newport

[Seanette]

Ms. Newport:

I really should have listened to my cousin, Outa Business, when she tried to tell me hiring you was a mistake. At least you didn't burn down my store! You should also be thankful that I'm not docking your final check for the fine the Health Department hit me with over your violation of their regulations. What check you have, around your various attendance problems, will pretty much be consumed by the fine the Health Department has imposed on you personally.

You will find two enclosures with this letter: a brochure for a stop-smoking program I can recommend, and a notice banning you from my store. I don't even want you setting foot in the place to SHOP.

Once I finished removing empty cigarette packs from your locker, it was empty. I have video of my cleaning out your locker to prove that. Thus, do not expect any personal belongings to be sent to you.

N. Gonna Cave
Manager, Fresh-Aire Supermarket

************************************************

Water Park:
Hire more competent lifeguards and other staff NOW. I was sitting in the pool, minding my own business, and I GOT SPLASHED!!!! How dare you not have staff protecting me from flying water "courtesy" of some bimbo's out-of-control brats?

I will require free season passes for myself and my extended family (this is only 56 people, so this should not be a problem) to compensate me for this horrible trauma.

Ms. Elmira Gulch

[Kristev]

Dear Ms. Gulch,

When one goes to the water park, they should expect to be splashed. I'd be dead from all the water around here personally if I didn't take my new allergy pills.

So why would you possibly want free passes for you and your family to a water park?

However, I will give you and your family free season passes instead to Desertland Park, where there's no water anywhere except in the plumbing.
Hope that helps.

Miss L. Faba Wicked.

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Dear NotBuffet,

I went to your pizza parlour and ordered a large pizza with everything on it. I was so hungry I ate all but once slice when your waitress came by.
She asked if I needed a refill, and I said "Yes. My pizza has only one slice left and it needs to be refilled."
When she finally figured out I meant my pizza, not my drink, she came back with a second pizza, which I really liked to see. Then she had the nerve to bring me a second bill, which I did not want to see!
After I saw the bill, I saw red, and from what they told me afterwards, I grew a big fit and broke several tables, plates, cups, and a relationship. Also during the fit they told me I threw, they say I threw the new, piping hot, pizza onto a little disabled kit in a wheelchair.

Myself, I don't believe it because I don't remember a thing.

So I demand that I be unbanned from the parlour, that I be forgiven these charges, get free pizza for life, and that I be treated like the guest of honor whenever I enter. And five million dollars for good measure.

If you won't go along with my demands, I will unless my kids, the brat pack. I have seven kids, none of whom I see but all of whom, my ex-wives and girlfriends tell me, take after me in ways they don't like. I actually have eight kids, but that daughter is on medication and weekly therapy, and I barely recognize her because she behaves so differently than my other kids. But won't my six boys and other daughter be so happy that Daddy's taking them all out for pizza?

I'll let them run up and down your parlour and play with whatever they want, and whoever they want. Especially my eldest boy. He loves to play with fire, just like me. Then you can offer really toasted crust!

Signed,

Mr. Sy Kopath.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Kopath,

You may not remember doing all of that, but our security cameras didn't forget. We were only content to let things go, but since you have threatened us with destruction, we have forwarded this letter and the security footage to the police. You didn't like the second bill from us? You will definitely not like your lawyer bills. Prepare to eat chit.

Sincerely,

Bill Buffett, NotBuffet Pizza

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Dear Sky Way Airlines,

I was flying on one of your airplanes recently. I like the window seat so I can see the landscape as I'm flying. Imagine my frustration when we got way up into the sky, that all I saw were clouds. How could you let that happen? I wanted to see all of the shades of green, not white.

Get your act together or I will fill the next plane with white stuff.

Sincerely,

Cirrus Avion

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Avion,

The higher we get into the sky, the less land we see. If you want to see land, take a bus or train next time.

Sincerely,

P. I. Lot
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I went to the service desk to play the lottery and when I tried to pay with a credit card, your rude employee told me that lottery was cash only. I'm a lawyer and I know that it's illegal to restrict forms of payment. I want the rude employee fired for being rude to me and arrested for saying that the lottery is cash only when by law customers can pay for lottery however they want. If you don't do this, I will write a letter from your boss informing you that you're fired.

Sincerely,

L. A. Wyer

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Wyer,

If you really were a lawyer, you would know that we reserve the right to refuse any form of payment. Also, our state's lottery commission does not allow us to take anything other than cash. Our agreement with "2600" means we can only take cash when purchasing their magazine.

I am not firing her for doing her job properly. I am not firing the store manager either.

Sincerely,

Apple Lowe, District Manager, Good Food Market

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Dear Sky Way Airlines,

How dare you? I was taking a flight recently scheduled for 10:08 am. I made it on time to board. When 10:08 rolled around, the pilot came on the speakers saying that we would be delayed because the lazy ground crew wasn't able to go outside and do their jobs. He muttered things like "thunderstorm" and "lightning." It was 10:51 am before we left the gate.

So what if there was lightning? I expect the ground crew to do their jobs no matter what the weather is. I demand 10,000 points on my frequent flyer account, or I will sue you out of the sky.

Sincerely,

Cirrus Avion

[Kristev]

Dear Ms. Avion,

Under no circumstances are my pilots allowed to take off in the middle of dangerous storms. I have made that abundantly clear in my directives, and they understand it from their training.

They were doing their jobs, namely protecting you from getting killed by wild lightning strikes while up in the air. But I will gladly write you out a voucher for Hurts, the rental car place inside your nearest airport based on where your letter came from.

They have great cars, but terrible seats, and they can travel in virtually any weather. Cheers.

Miss Stormie Weathers,

Director of Sky Way Airlines.

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Dear Hurts Rental Cars,

I was out of town and couldn't catch my plane due to bad weather. So I demanded my money back from the airline, and used that money to rent one of your cars and drive myself home. I purposefully selected a car that looked exactly like mine, both inside and out, so I'd know precisely how to drive it.

And I did drive it. All I had to do was get a cushion at the first store I came upon and your painful seats didn't bother me one bit. After that, it was a paradisical drive all the way home. Honestly, I would have given your company five stars, even six if it were possible, except for one thing.

When I returned the car to your dealer, with my cousin picking me up, the rental car wasn't perfect any longer. It barely drove and seemed like a wreck, so I was happy to get rid of it. And I told your employee, Dave, all about the problems it was having, paid my bill, and left, though he did make a comment that I didn't like. He said "Your cousin's car looks almost exactly like ours, but quite a good bit newer."

Yet yesterday I got a letter all but accusing me of bringing back the wrong car on purpose? How can that be? Just because our cars looked exactly alike doesn't mean I don't know my old, broken down jalopy of a car and your new broken down jalopy of a car! How dare you? There is no way in the world that I would keep your car and try to pass my car off as your car. No way, no how! I would never do such a thing.

I demand that you give me ten billion dollars, free cars for life, and access to mechanics on demand! Preferably hot male mechanics who don't mind getting oily, sweaty, and working overtime. If you won't, first I'll sue your for slander, and then, since I happen to know that the car I returned has a serious oil leak that my new car . . . I mean, my cousin's new car, and that it makes bigger oil puddles than the Exxon-Valdez leak, I'll come back to your store with my hot new flame-thrower and toast your garage!

Signed,

Miss Mary Hadda Little-Scam