27 year old guy who is afraid to drive?

[Cookie]

There are two very valid camps of reasoning here and I think what this boils down to is the situation and his attitude.

I am about to move from a city that has crap public transportation where we're used to taking the car everywhere to a city that has such good transportation that we're donating the car to charity when we leave, but plan on keeping our licenses up to date so we can rent cars to visit people several states away. This being the case, I'm rather seeing both sides here. I have friends in Europe who don't understand why it's so important to us that we drive because they're used to trains and busses for everything. They have systems that put US transporation to absolute shame.

From the sounds of the story in the OP, there doesn't seem to be good public transportation and therefore he is relying on family members to take him everywhere. This is damaging to his sense of independence. Everybody needs to know that they can survive it out there on their own. If he's dependant on others to make it to work, that's not a sense that he can develop. This being the case (at least I am inferring that it is from what was said) it would be a very good idea for him to get his license and maybe while he saves up for a car family members could let him borrow theirs for work purposes? It might be less of an inconvenience on them than driving him themselves anyway. Then he could graduate to a car of his own, and probably not a pretty or fancy one to begin with, but a gets-you-from-point-A-to-point-B-car. Of course, it would be different if he could just buy a monthly or annual train and bus pass for your city to get around. Either way, he would be taking responsibility for his own transportation and that is the real issue.

The other thing I mention is his attitude. I'm sure he has many great qualities or you wouldn't even be considering dating him, so just know that I'm not trying to say anything bad about him. There are just some pitfalls in the situation that are easy to fall into because we are humans, after all. Because his family is carting him around, can you detect even the slightest bit of an entitlement attitude about it? Like, "they shouldn't have planned to do such and such because I wanted to do this and I needed a ride"? It would probably be much more subtle than that, but you get the idea. The dishwasher where I work is an extreme case of this. His family drives him everywhere, too, and he is in his mid-twenties. He says he doesn't have money to drive anyway, but spends what he has on beer, gaming, and his giant HDTV. He never got his license, but circumstances kept him from getting it early on and now that he could, he lost his motivation. Every day he borrows my cell phone to call a family member for a ride when he's done. He gets irritated if they've gone and done something else expecting him to be off work later, cusses at them over the phone over it and orders them to get there as quick as they can.

As I said, that was an absolute extreme case, but I use it to illustrate an attitude issue that you would want to watch for with somebody dependant for transportation.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Yeah, my old boyfriend wasn't that bad, but he was bad enough for me to get pretty mad at him about it. And he was headed in that direction. (no, that's not why we broke up, but it was a SYMPTOM of why we broke up.)

I know I'm probably gonna catch flack from this, but it looks to me like a huge portion of people here who don't drive do so out of basic lack of confidence.

Before I learned to drive, I had been in a pretty bad car accident. And I was afraid to learn. The first time I went out with a driving instructor, I did so shaking and drenched in sweat.

I'm not afraid of driving anymore.

It's a Catch-22, here, folks. You are afraid to drive because you have no confidence. You have no confidence because you don't drive. You feel like you would be unsafe piloting a vehicle, and you cultivate that belief.

Don't get gradma or Dad or whoever to teach you. Hire an instructor and learn. You don't have to drive, you can take the bus for the rest of your life. But you should at least learn how.

[AdminAssistant]

I was scared to death when I learned how to drive, when I was twelve. Dad drove out to the middle of the country and said, "Okay, get us home." There wasn't another option given.

[Jack]

Just to establish myself as a devil's advocate, I can and have operated cars up to pickup trucks, and motorcycles, safely, without a license -- the motorcycle on long highway trips. This is, of course, illegal and inadvisable, and I don't do it anymore, but the point is that I *can* and that apprehension has nothing to do with me not getting a driver's license. More like money.

I know no one is arguing against me here, just wanted to put out the alternate point.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

If the public transportation system here worked as well as it does in, say, Rome, Italy, I would probably not maintain a vehicle. I'd rent one if I felt I needed one. However, I WOULD maintain my driver's licence.

[draftermatt]

If the public transportation system here worked as well as it does in, say, Rome, Italy, I would probably not maintain a vehicle. I'd rent one if I felt I needed one. However, I WOULD maintain my driver's licence.

I have to agree. Public transportation in Baltimore and DC is good, but if you live outside those areas? Hah!

There's a train station that will take you to Baltimore, it's 15 miles from my house. There have been plans to have a bus going from my county to that train station, but my county has rejected it for years.

So I have to have someway of getting to the train station. Then by the time I get there, wait for the train, take it into the city, and walk to wherever I'm going (or wait for a bus, take the bus, etc) It'd been 30-60 minutes faster had I drove.

[Megg]

I, too, was afraid to drive. In the course of my young life, I was involved as a passenger in more accidents than I can even count. Most of them were of the fender-bender variety, but at least one required a trip to the hospital for me (not in the ambulance, though darn it - my mom drove me) for a concussion, and one resulted in the death of a woman who was under the influence of drugs. She was also under my school bus, where she drove her car. Devastating to see how one small slip could end someone, so I never got my license for years.

When I was 26, we moved to Idaho. I walked to work for the first months, no biggie, just as I always had. Then, it became October. In Idaho. I decided trudging through 3 feet of snow in a month was not my idea of fun, and I went and got my license. It took a pretty big motivator for me, but here's some good news: it sounds to me like your honey is pretty well motivated too. He will probably go ahead and get it, though it may not be as quickly as you would like.

I really don't want to sound mean or harsh or anything, but it sounds to me like you want him to get a license more out of convenience for you. You mention how difficult it is to see each other or date, so I have to ask: do you have your license, and a car? If so, why is it a big deal? I know driving all the time sucks (when I got my license, you may as well have tattooed "taxi" on my forehead) but if it is really that big a deal to him, a little compromise might be in order.

Good luck!

[Jester]

I have been driving since I learned to drive....hell, embarrassingly, since before then (see below). I didn't get my first car till I was 20, but I had my license pretty much as soon as I could, and was a primary driver when my family moved across the country...a week after I got said license. I have been driving ever since, through four vehicles, for over two decades, and countless road trips of all lengths and durations.

And I, Mr. Road Trip, am going to defend the guy in the OP. It doesn't sound like he is being lazy, irresponsible, or uncaring about the whole thing. It sound like he is scared shitless. And when you step back from things and look at it objectively, it is understandable. After all, think about what driving IS: controlling a several thousand pound rolling pile of steel, glass, and plastic, at high speeds, while trying to avoid hundreds of other several thousand pound rolling piles of steel, glass, and plastic. To someone from outside our culture, not used to cars, roller coasters would seem safe and tame by comparison.

I have been fortunate in my driving life....I have never been in a serious accident, as a driver OR a passenger. Just some minor scrapes and close calls. And even those scared the bejeezus out of me. Hell, I actually know what it feels like to be moving forward at 80 miles an hour through the desert while the back of the car is bouncing up and down due to a blown out tire. And then to pull over, somehow not wrecking, and discover that the tire that blew out did so so badly that the tread whipped around the back of the vehicle and severely damaged the other rear tire! We limped 15 miles on a donut, on the highway shoulder, until the nearest (and vastly overpriced) service station that could replace both my rear tires. While the car was being worked on, the three of us that had been through that went across the street to a bar there to have a drink. Not because we wanted one, mind you. Because we needed one.

And that was lucky. I had a friend several years ago die when her car literally got run over by a mail truck at speed one early morning. My 19 year old niece has been in several accidents, not all of them her fault. I have an old friend from high school who is actually an inch shorter than she used to be because of a car accident that crunched her spine. She still takes pain meds to this day from that one, and that happened close to 20 years ago. I know a girl who was in an accident that severed one of her arms, which they were able to reattach. While beautiful, she still has a nasty scar at the point of surgery. And she was lucky. The driver of the motorcycle she was on was killed instantly that day.

So yeah. This confident, experienced motorist, who enjoys driving, can certainly understand why someone might be a bit, how shall we say, terrified of actually becoming a driver. Frankly, I'm rather shocked more of us aren't.

I can and have operated cars up to pickup trucks, and motorcycles, safely, without a license... This is, of course, illegal and inadvisable...

I have done this as well, both before I was of age to get a license, joyriding in my mom's car without her knowledge late at night, and then later, as an adult, with a suspended license. It is certainly possible to drive without a license. It is also possible to walk naked in a blizzard. Neither is highly advisable, and one is very, very illegal, and can and probably will get you in all sorts of trouble. The arrestable kind of trouble. Trust me when I say I speak from experience.

[Lindsey]

I don't drive either and I'm 18, but I recognize that I can't keep doing this for long. I live in a small town and it's impractical to be without a car! I'm waiting to see if school will let me relocate to New York City this year (they have the best public transportation system in the country), in which case not driving won't be an issue, but if it doesn't work out, I'll have to spend this summer getting my license.

I didn't get my license when I was 16 because I crashed my mom's car into my dad's car that year and was too scared to try driving again -- it's pretty bad when you wreck BOTH the family cars at once! But I have to deal with it, because it's inconsiderate to rely on other people for a ride all the time.

Keep supporting him whenever he brings up driving and maybe your boyfriend will see that. He's old enough that he should be independent; and if he can't drive, he should relocate somewhere that allows him to get places without needing his mom or his sister to help him.

And I, Mr. Road Trip, am going to defend the guy in the OP. It doesn't sound like he is being lazy, irresponsible, or uncaring about the whole thing. It sound like he is scared shitless. And when you step back from things and look at it objectively, it is understandable. After all, think about what driving IS: controlling a several thousand pound rolling pile of steel, glass, and plastic, at high speeds, while trying to avoid hundreds of other several thousand pound rolling piles of steel, glass, and plastic. To someone from outside our culture, not used to cars, roller coasters would seem safe and tame by comparison.

I can see that point too Jester, wrecking a car is the reason I still haven't learned how to drive. I don't want to get into an accident again. Sometimes I wish it wasn't so necessary to drive. Public transportation is the stuff dreams are made of, and in the United States, we've barely got any to speak of!

[Pairou]

I used to drive, even had a car before we gave it to my younger sister for college (I went overseas). But even then, my driving phobia was pretty bad- I forced myself to go through with it and even went to therapy once a week for the sole purpose of trying to get rid of my phobia.

Now I'm back in the US and terrified to drive. Soon I'll be going to art school in a place where it's advisable NOT to own a car (limited parking and great transportation). But I know I'll have to suck it up and drive a little before then anyway. I just wish my mom's car (lexus) wasn't so intimidating!

[Seshat]

So this guy that I haven't started dating yet (although pretty close)..I found out today why he doesn't have a license. He never took the road test because he was too nervous.

Don't get gradma or Dad or whoever to teach you. Hire an instructor and learn. You don't have to drive, you can take the bus for the rest of your life. But you should at least learn how.

My father was a driving instructor. From the middle of his career on he made a specialty of the disabled, and the nervous.

Most larger areas will have several instructors who specialise in the nervous. One cheeky - but helpful - way to find out who's really good is to talk to instructors, and ask them to say who, other than themself, they'd recommend.
Even smaller areas will have instructors who are particularly good with nervous students.

The other important thing about a professional instructor: they can drive from the passenger's side of the car. Where I am, a professional instructor's car must have pedals on the passenger's side as well as the driver's side.

Given such pedals, both my father and brother can grab the controls and prevent an accident, even if the student is panicking.
This is HUGELY reassuring to nervous students!



And now I am going to back Jester up.

Driving is the process of manouvering a deadly weapon around. NEVER forget that. You are in charge of a death trap when you drive. It's stupid NOT to be nervous!

Learning to be a responsible controller of such a tool is only smart. Getting professional help for that is very, very smart. So long as he learns to tone the nervousness down to 'reasonable caution', I'd rate the guy as 'smart' in being nervous.

Three major skills to be developed: vehicle handling, road courtesy, predictable driving. ('predictable driving' can be lumped in with 'road courtesy', and often is.)




And now I'm going to give a damn good reason for NOT driving.

I can no longer do vehicle handling or predictable driving, properly. My reflexes aren't what they were, my peripheral vision has become poor, and I can no longer make the rapid judgements that driving requires.

Yes, many people with poorer vehicle handling and predictable driving continue to drive. Yes, I think they shouldn't.

But my life, my decision. I won't have the blood on my hands. I am no longer capable of controlling a car to a level I deem sufficient. So I no longer drive.

I know this isn't always the case for people who don't drive: but I'm sure it is for some. That it's a reasoned, sensible decision.

[Andara Bledin]

Time to trot this timeless classc out again-- "Americans will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic or a dope fiend, but if a man doesn't drive, they think there must be something wrong with him." -- ART BUCHWALD

This confident, experienced motorist, who enjoys driving, can certainly understand why someone might be a bit, how shall we say, terrified of actually becoming a driver. Frankly, I'm rather shocked more of us aren't.

Driving is the process of manouvering a deadly weapon around. NEVER forget that. You are in charge of a death trap when you drive. It's stupid NOT to be nervous!

Cars are dangerous. Really dangerous. I remember a program that was on TV about 20 years ago that suggested that if the idea of the automobile were suggested in our current culture, they'd never be approved for a multitude of risk factors.

And yet, most people take these multi-ton rolling metal boxes out without proper regard for their potential to cause mayhem.

It's really disheartening that when presented with an adult who does not possess or desire to possess a license, so many people react with scorn and derision.

^-.-^

[tropicsgoddess]

I can understand where that guy was coming from. I was afraid to drive because of the fact that I knew people that died in accidents and that I was in a few as a passenger and as a pedestrian . Last year I got my learner's permit, then my car and finally my full license. It took some time, but by God I got there. It may take a while, but back away from that subject with him until he's ready to start. It's not easy, but give him time and space for him to know when he's ready to get over that hurdle called "fear" to get his license.

[telecom_goddess]

I am 45 now and have never had a license (other than a moped one briefly) or owned a car. I am the type that would much rather buy the ps3's and hdtv's than a car, I get way more use out of them .

I don't drive cause I"m scared to...I know I would suck at it. And other people scare me. And yeah it would be nice to not be looked down on because I don't have a license.

[Flying Grype]

I'm 32 and I don't drive yet. I never had to in any of the places I lived. Now I live with my fiance and he owns a car, and I'm seeing that it would be very useful if I could drive it occasionally.

I was anxious about it at first but riding a bike in the city with traffic (and obeying traffic laws, thank you very much) has increased my confidence in my ability to focus on everything. I'm going to take the test this spring.

For what it's worth, the unqualified statement that a grown man should be able to drive a car is sickeningly ableist. There are lots of physical disabilities and mental illnesses that can make driving impossible without making you 'less of a man'. Being afraid to drive for that long is more likely an anxiety disorder or something with a psychological basis that he needs to sort out. It's not 'cowardice' and it's not something that will be fixed by his 'manning up'. If he were to do that he'd likely end up being a dangerous driver.

Canadians should be watching Canada's Worst Driver on Discovery... every year they have at least one driver who has serious anxiety issues and who should no way in hell be behind the wheel of a car. But they got their licenses one way or another even though they can't focus enough to control the machine safely.