Help... please.

[Jangles the Moon Monkey]

If you've been badly hurt in the past several times, it sounds to me like you're just waiting to be hurt again and are trying to stop that from happening with the bickering, the doubts. You're scared to let yourself be happy and it's made worse by the fact that he's moved so far to be with you.

I don't really have any advice for you. I wasn't quite as bad when I met my now husband but I confessed to him how I felt and he just hugged me and told me he cared too much about me to let me sabotage our relationship. The problems I felt didn't seem so bad after that. I hope you manage to sort it out.

[Eric the Grey]

I was more certain before.

Sounds like a case of the jitters to me. It happens to a lot of people.

As to looking at other men, that's natural. Bot D and myself look at other people (she at men, me at women) but there is nobody I'd rather be with than her, and for some reason, she'd rather be with me.

Try to calm down and let things ride for a while. Once you get it out of your system, things will be better.

Whatever happens, best of luck with it.


Eric the Grey

[HYHYBT]

I was more certain before.

Entirely understandable.

[Amina516]

Cold feet seems like to me.

Please give it a chance. Someone who treats you soo good shouldnt be discounted on the basis of looks (since the others can be worked on.)

Honestly (and he knows this) i was not attracted to my husband when I first met him. Not that he was ugly, just nothing like my type. He chased me so hard that when I finally turned to him, I was already in love.

Give it time maybe?

[Andara Bledin]

Well, he's here now and I don't dare let on how upset I am. This guys treats me like a king, so why can't I embrace it and let him do it...?

Because you're normal. You're afraid that it's all too perfect, and are looking for the coming disaster. It's normal, and you can work on ignoring it; I know I have.

I think it just comes down to the fact that I'm not physically attracted to him.

Yesterday as we drove back, I was haunted by men who were better looking.

I don't know what the problem is... I didn't used to feel this way about him.

Have you ever looked into maybe a little personal counseling?

I'm no psych of any stripe, but it sounds like you have a certain fear of failure, so you're almost working on a self-fulfilling prophecy of doing just that.

My brother was like this in school: he'd do well until he realized he was doing well, and to avoid other people being let down by his supposedly inevitable failure, he'd sabotage his own success to ensure that nobody would ever count on him to succeed. He's 37, now, and his whole life has followed this self-destructive pattern.

What can you do in the face of that? You suffer silently, that's what, and you realize that you're suffering pointlessly as well.

Don't be silent. Fears fester in silence.

If you're not comfortable talking to him about your issues, find someone you can talk to. Hopefully, someone who will listen and try to work you through it.

As for the sex issues you mentioned: I haven't actually had regular sex in about a decade (unresolved medical issue not on my end). I've been in a relationship during that entire time, though. Let me just say that there can be a whole hell of a lot of fun to be had in figuring out how to work with what you've both got going for you, and getting in practice on what might not be working so well as you'd like.

^-.-^

[Antisocial_Worker]

I'll try to post some thoughts later when I have more time and privacy. Long story short though, I was doing okay yesterday and then we had a conversation that sent me right back down through the cellar hole.

[Antisocial_Worker]

I have my moments when I'm okay with everything, although I keep thinking about the other guys who are interested in me. I wonder "what if?"

It's like being caught in a storm and it just rages on and on. Why can't I be happier? Why can't I be happy at all? I don't get it.

I'm very appreciative of everyone who has left their help or advice. It's been a real lifeline.

[trailerparkmedic]

It's like being caught in a storm and it just rages on and on. Why can't I be happier? Why can't I be happy at all? I don't get it.

Is it just the guy or are there other things in your life (or even your entire life) that you feel this hopeless about? That sounds exactly like something I would say when I'm depressed.

[Antisocial_Worker]

Is it just the guy or are there other things in your life (or even your entire life) that you feel this hopeless about? That sounds exactly like something I would say when I'm depressed.

Pretty much it's just this guy. I have wanted and wanted and wanted this -- a serious, stable, committed relationship -- for my entire adult life and now that I have it, I don't want it. I obsess over his flaws and convince myself I've made a mistake, and that he can't be the one for me. But yet, because I was sure before, sure enough to convince him to sell off his life and move two states up to me, I'm stuck with him. What kind of a monster would I be if sent him away at this point?

[trailerparkmedic]

Give it some time and see what happens. See if the flaws drive you crazier or blend into the background. Make an effort to not compare him to some idealized image of perfect. What originally drew you to him? Did you feel something before that is gone now?

My opinon? I can't tell if you've got cold feet and are trying to sabotage a good thing, or if you're doing what I've done and all of a sudden realized something is horribly, horribly wrong. When I've had a "What the HELL am I thinking?" moment in a relationship, it's because I've been trying to rationalize something and after awhile denial just doesn't cut it anymore. It happened with major events, like my husband cheating on me, and I tried for months to rationalize that he had changed (even though I knew that he was still sleeping around), that I needed to save the marriage, etc. After a few months, I realized I was being played for a fool and I moved out that night. From what you've said, I'm leaning towards cold feet & self sabotage.

Think of it this way--what will a few months hurt? He's already picked up and moved and that's not something that is easy to undo. Give yourself a deadline, maybe 3 months or whatever sounds ok to you. It gives you a chance to figure out what's really going on. When I met my fiance, I wasn't really attracted to him but I'd driven pretty far and I was hungry so I wasn't going to walk out without eating dinner. I had fun on our date, but wasn't sure if it was "friends" fun or "boyfriend" fun... so I decided to give it a little time and see where we were in a month. When we moved in together we had a really, really rough patch--I'm still surprised we didn't break up. There was one point where I was considering leaving but I didn't have the money for a new apartment so I decided I would save up some money for a deposit before making any decisions. A few months later I had the money but I didn't want to leave anymore and we're still together. I will admit that I can be very impulsive, especially when I'm angry or scared, so maybe that's why it's good that I've given things time to settle, but I don't regret anything I've done after waiting to figure out what I'm really thinking.

Sorry for the wall of text and I hope some of it makes sense. Now I'm laughing because my fiance doesn't know any of the stuff above but a bunch of internet people do!

[Antisocial_Worker]

I don't mind the wall of text. What's going on here is that for a solid week my brain has been shrieking at me that I have made a horrible, horrible mistake. That's what it comes down to.

[Antisocial_Worker]

To top it all off, there's a guy who is interested in me, and who I find interesting... He would like to start something up. What do I do?

[HYHYBT]

Unless you've decided to dump the other guy, tell him you're taken!

[Taboo]

Unless you've decided to dump the other guy, tell him you're taken!

Seconded.

Look, you made this first guy move all the way out there to be with you. If he's treating you right, which it sounds like he is, you owe him at least a solid try at things. I would give it 1-2 months and see how it goes. Maybe you just aren't as attracted as you thought you were, and maybe it was a bad mistake - but it's not fair to him to write things off a few days after he's gotten there. Does he even know you're having doubts?

[Antisocial_Worker]

Does he even know you're having doubts?

No, he doesn't, although the other guy does. It's like I'm trying to nurture a backup plan.