Dealing With An Overly Sensitive and Insecure Boyfriend

[Seshat]

I, at least, was using the generic 'you'. I only achieved it myself after a great deal of work.

[Jester]

Ok, first of all, I HAVE changed. This was a past example, one that changed after a lot of hard work, counseling, prayer, and finding new friends. Second, forget I said anything. I don't share my past so I can be mocked, or called names, or other BS. That's seriously uncalled for.

You're right. That would be uncalled for, and it would be BS.

But I wasn't mocking you or calling you names. I was using the generic you, referring more to the behavior of the OP's boyfriend. Hell, I was even somewhat referring to ME, as I have been insecure in the past, and been a prick because of it, and been called on my prickish behavior by my friends, who made me recognize what I was doing, and because of that, I went about trying to change that prick-type behavior.

NOTHING I said was meant to be directed at you, Barracuda. Nothing, zero, zip, nada. I have been that prick, and I was using your comments as a springboard to comment further, nothing more. So please, continue to comment here, as your comments and insight are welcomed, as they are/were spot on.

[Barracuda]

Ok, I guess I misunderstood. It wasn't clear that you were using the generic you. Sorry if I overreacted.

[Jester]

No worries.

Honestly, I don't know you well enough to actually call you a prick.

[blas]

I also was using the generic you, I am sorry if that wasn't clear enough.

And I will back up Jester that he was referring to my bf to quit being a prick and learn the difference between what is worth freaking out over and what isn't in regards to his little silent tantrums or imploding and taking things too personally.

[blas]

My spider senses tell me I pissed him off again, somehow. I'm not even sure.

I had an extra day off Wednesday night, as well as Thanksgiving, and my usual weekend.

Wednesday evening, we spent together, dinner and a movie and whatnot.

I started falling asleep on the couch, and he did for a bit too, until I kept hearing him sighing repeatedly. He wouldn't even flat out say "Let's go to bed." Wow. Really? But I suggested he get ready for bed first, and I would get up and straighten up the couch (OCD) and get ready next, since I take longer.

He left once again super early on Thursday, but I didn't mind because I wanted to get up and watch the Packer game and get showered and ready before Thanksgiving dinner at my folks' place.

I texted him after I ate, and the convo was going alright but slow, until I asked how his supper was. And he angrily texted back "We don't do Thanksgiving here, I told you that!"

Oh cheese and rice on a cracker. Honestly. The day before, I had jokingly brought up his little "lol" problem (responding to nearly everything I say with "lol", and he took it extremely personally. Interesting he found no qualms with snipping at me.)

Anyway, I apologized, because I really was sorry, because he may have said that before and I may not have been listening. I know lately I've gotten a little too talented at ignoring people, solely based upon ignoring a select few people at work. I've been caught unintentionally ignoring my mom recently as well, so there's a real possibility I ignored him saying that before. But still, rude.

Not a response after that until after I left my parents'. I was driving home and he asked how the night was going otherwise. I answered when I got home that everything went well and told of how Tiger the fat kitten made supper a lot of fun and the jokes we shared at the table. A few more pleasantries......then nothing.

So I slept most of the night and got showered for going back to my parents' (if I had been thinking straight I would have just stayed the night at their place) to do my laundry. I texted him and surprisingly, he answered, and we went back and forth like always until I figured it was his bedtime for work. He seemed almost pissed that I was trying to say goodbye. Dude, it's after 10 am....you have to be to work in 8 hours! I know, as I've said before, it's hard to find the real tone in a message, but I've known him long enough to know when he's being pissy and terse. He had a very terse goodnight and that was that.

I fell asleep while we were texting back and forth that evening, mostly from not sleeping well Wednesday night/Thursday morning, and because I just am tired all the damn time from working nights. He didn't even attempt to text me on his breaks at work. But, that's really his loss. I don't really care to have to watch what time it is to make sure I'm "available" to text. I like to clean and pamper myself and do stuff on my nights off, not that it bothers me or anything, but it's not a huge loss to not talk.

Today he texted me first and out of nowhere, when I asked him why the night before at work sucked so bad, he said "You know I HATE when you say that, a kid I hated growing up always said that!"

I answered "Well, I told you I don't like you saying "lol" all the time but it doesn't stop me from talking to you. But I'm glad you're at least opening up a bit." and he answered "Doesn't sound like it from your retort!" and I said "Well it's a little un-nerving to find out that something I've been saying for months bothers you, especially when you word it so rudely." and he answers "Well, I thought you'd quit saying it."

That's when I got rude. "Not psychic. Didn't know. Won't happen again."

And he answered "Going to work. Talk to you later."

Oh, you can start it, but you can't handle it back at you?

Whatever. I don't even care if he's at work and can get moody.....if he texts me back later, I'm going to "shit him out from a dizzy height" (lol rads) and tell him that the psychic expectation nonsense stops, the sulking and silence stops, and if that's too much, then too bad.

I am done trying to be nice and pick at this guy's insecure, passive aggresive mind. Shape up or else, bud.

[Jester]

How shall I put this politely.....

The dude's a raging idiot, and far beneath what should be your standards. He doesn't have issues, he has entire subscriptions, and he obviously hasn't gotten it through his head that he has a good thing with you, so he's willing to sabotage it and act like a petulant child to try to get his way, whatever that way is.

And yes, for me that IS polite. Do you see any curse words or suggestions of brutal violence in the above paragraph?

As I said...polite.

[blas]

Probably should have mentioned it before, but the guy's never had a girlfriend before. I'm starting to see why. It's not being shy or majorly introverted, methinks, or why he doesn't have a whole lot of friends, or why he doesn't get along with his family well. Well, he helps his mom out and does what good sons shall do, but from what he tells me, there's a lot of friction at home.

[georgie]

and it sounds like he's bringing a lot of it into your relationship.


time to give him a reality check. he either treats his girlfriend with the respect she deserves or she (you) finds someone who will.

i mean, he cant even speak to you nicely.

[blas]

This isn't exusing or defending him, but it isn't always this way. I know there's something wrong and not normal, but please don't think it's an every-day occurance and that he always speaks that way. He's not much of a talker in general.

I came to the conclusion a while back that he is very emotionally immature, whereas I'm a lot more emotionally mature than him. A lot of it is experience, but, a lot of it is also common sense and treating people the way you want to be treated.

[Jester]

The question is, do you want to wait for him to mature emotionally, however that long may take (if ever), or do you want to be with someone who has an emotional maturity comparable to yours?

[blas]

Well, naturally, I'd prefer to be with someone who is emotionally mature and stable. Again, I'm not perfect, and I'm sure I have traits that make people want to bang their head against a wall, but I don't think I have subscriptions.

I just don't get what his problem is or why he does this. I really don't. It's so frustrating and difficult.

Actually, as soon as I can get him face to face (person to person is best), I'm going to put him on the spot and ask him just what the hell his problem is. If he starts the shrugging or starts trying to hide in his pillows or gives the blank stare, I'm just going to say "So, just like the times I ask you if anything's wrong or if everything is ok, and you say yes or nothing at all? I'm going to assume we're ok here. So unless you want to speak up, from now on I will always assume nothing is wrong and don't deserve to have silent daggers being thrown at me for not being psychic."

[Greenday]

I'm just going to say "So, just like the times I ask you if anything's wrong or if everything is ok, and you say yes or nothing at all? I'm going to assume we're ok here. So unless you want to speak up, from now on I will always assume nothing is wrong and don't deserve to have silent daggers being thrown at me for not being psychic."

Is it really worth playing this game over and over? I mean, when do you get to have a real relationship that's not all mind-games and such? Do you find it that awesome that this stuff isn't too big of a deal?

[blas]

That part isn't a game, that's me standing up for myself. There's some people (hell, my own family at times) you can't keep exhausting yourself guessing what you've done "wrong" or walking on eggshells to avoid pressing buttons. Not saying that I excuse saying whatever you want just to be an ass, but I'm gonna say what I say and do what I do, and if you have a problem, you'll tell me. If you're gonna be quiet, then I'm not going to stress about why you're quiet. If you want to get into a snit because I'm not reacting to your silent sulking party, then you can have your pity party alone.

In all honesty, as rude as he was about it, I was somewhat glad he finally mentioned something I do that he doesn't like. It was high time he quit being quiet and just hoped I'd realize he didn't like it, or that I'd eventually quit saying it. Grown ups talk about their issues with one another.

[Buglady]

I have dealt with that. It nearly drove me mad. I stayed reasonable, I stayed compassionate, I shared communication skills I've developed, I drew on every single thing I learned in the course of completing a freaking PSYCH degree, and all I got in return was "you don't understand meeee!" (Oh believe me, my boy, I understand you better than you want me to... probably doesn't help that he's 12 years younger than I am)

Finally I lost my temper. Yelled at him to get the $%* out of my house and take his insecurities with him, because I was the same independent, intelligent and self-sufficient adult that he claimed to have been attracted to in the first place, and here he was trying to stifle every bit of that. I told him that I'd done my best to respect his feelings, but I would not indulge his unreasonable jealousy and his demands that I change the way I dress and behave, because even if I went against my better judgement and did so, he'd only escalate as his anxiety would find a new target after being reinforced like that. Not that it would ever get to that point, because I'm 38 goddamn years old and have been dressing myself for a considerable length of time now, and I don't need some puppy of an insecure boy telling me I can't wear my yoga pants down to the laundry room.

Well. Apparently I'm SCARY when I lose my temper. He went. He thought about it. He apologized. Seems to have learned his lesson. We'll see.

Anyway - a well placed "what the FUCK is wrong with you?" can sometimes be useful. The proverbial clue-by-four, if you will.