How much is too much?

[Solumina]

Your boyfriend needs to understand the difference between helping the average person and helping someone like this woman. She clearly has some serious issues and needs to see someone with actual training. What your boyfriend is doing is trying to save her but in this case he cannot do anything to help her, all that he can do is make things worse because she is growing dependent on him and in turn she is giving up any independence that she ever had.

He doesn't have to stop being her friend but he needs to stop being her support network and to stop being her therapist because he is vastly underqualified to do so.

There are some great resources out there for sexual assault victims as well as for people who are working to gain their own independence, she doesn't need to go to a psychologist, but she does need to get help.

[Jester]

Several weeks ago my boyfriend's mutual female friend asked him to help her clean her apartment because she had fractured her arm. So he helped her for free. To pay him back she offered to help him get his place tidy. She told him she would come over to his place on a Monday morning. She never showed up. Then a couple of weeks later she told him she would do a thorough cleaning of his place, but he would have to pay her $35.00.

So she offered to "pay him back" for something he helped her with out of the goodness of his heart by charging him money to clean his place, which he probably didn't even ask her to do anyway?

Let's see, what would be an appropriate, diplomatic, and polite way to respond to that?

Hmmmm....

*SNAP!* Oh yeah, I've got it!

"Get lost, you fucking crazy psycho bitch."

[snugglegirl05]

So she offered to "pay him back" for something he helped her with out of the goodness of his heart by charging him money to clean his place, which he probably didn't even ask her to do anyway?

Let's see, what would be an appropriate, diplomatic, and polite way to respond to that?

Hmmmm....

*SNAP!* Oh yeah, I've got it!

"Get lost, you fucking crazy psycho bitch."

That made me laugh Jester. If I meet her, I would like to ask her "Why did you tell my boyfriend that he would have to pay you $35.00 to help him thoroughly clean his place when he never charged you when he helped you clean your place?" I would like to see the reaction on her face.

[snugglegirl05]

Your boyfriend needs to understand the difference between helping the average person and helping someone like this woman. She clearly has some serious issues and needs to see someone with actual training.

There are some great resources out there for sexual assault victims as well as for people who are working to gain their own independence, she doesn't need to go to a psychologist, but she does need to get help.

I wish she would get some help. My boyfried told me he metioned to her a couple of weeks ago that she should get help, but she does not want to. She is on government assistance. She has access to either free or discount counseling through a program for people who need help, but cannot afford the full price, but she does not want to take advantage of that help.

She is going on a church mission this June to a country in the middle east. According to my boyfriend, no one at her church knows about the incident between her & her male friend or what she has done to get help. She will not tell anyone at her church what happened. She wants to handle everything on her own.

[Solumina]

Maybe it would be easier for her to try a help line than going to a counselor, you could look to see if there is a local one that would work for her or RAINN would be the national hotline for the sexual assault you can either call them or get help online through rainn.org (if she still feels like she needs to get herself through this without any help, although she seems to have no problem asking your boyfriend for help, she could at least find a lot in information on their site), I don't know off the top of my head if there is one for people gaining independence but you could try searching around.

[Jester]

Or maybe she should stop relying on other people to find her the help she says she needs, and get up off her lazy whiney ass and go get the help herself, since she claims that she wants to start being independent and doing things for herself. Because so far, her actions and her words have not really been in accord one lousy bit.

[snugglegirl05]

Strange update

Well...this ongoing story is getting even more interesting.

My boyfriend told me this information this morning....

Apparently a couple of weeks ago his mutual female friend, her male friend, & her mom had a 3 way conversation. For some reason my boyfriends mutual female friend & her male friend want to semi-date *why, I do not know*. The mom of my boyfriends mutual female friend gave the 2 of them permission to do that.

More information on this:

Apparently my boyfriends mutual female friend was home schooled her entire life. Sex education was not something she learned...at school or outside school. She is either in her late 20's or in her early 30's.

According to her religion & to what her parents taught her, no intimate touching or sex until after she gets married.

But...that is not what her male friend wants. Plus...she has never dated before.

She told my boyfriend about the phone call, about what her religious teachings are, & about what her parents expect.

I do not know what to make of this.

[Solumina]

Or maybe she should stop relying on other people to find her the help she says she needs, and get up off her lazy whiney ass and go get the help herself, since she claims that she wants to start being independent and doing things for herself. Because so far, her actions and her words have not really been in accord one lousy bit.

Well yeah but that sure as hell isn't going to happen, she is too useless to do anything about it and snugglegirl's boyfriend is too spineless to stop allowing this "friend" to take advantage of him.

[Seraph]

Snugglegirl, I hate to be this person.


But really, I am having a very hard time remotely liking your boyfriend now. He's putting your relationship on a tightrope DELIBERATELY. He knows this stuff is bothering you, and hasn't done anything to fix it, even though he knows its hurting your feelings.

Time for a "come to Jesus" talk with him, in my honest opinion. This is ridiculous, you don't need stress/drama like this. You deserve a guy who is willing to put you first, and to not just sit there and jeopardize your relationship.

Augh. Sorry. I couldn't take it anymore.

[Jester]

Well yeah but that sure as hell isn't going to happen, she is too useless to do anything about it and snugglegirl's boyfriend is too spineless to stop allowing this "friend" to take advantage of him.

I wouldn't say spineless. I would say too nice and very clueless. I mean, he sounds like he means well, and just doesn't really see what this is doing to his relationship. I am actually giving the guy the benefit of the doubt. (Shocking, I know!)

That being said, clearly I am not giving the GIRL the benefit of the doubt. She is, in a word, pathetic.

[snugglegirl05]

Mutual female friend's very short-term relationship

Found out from my boyfriend that his mutual female friend broke up with her male friend after only going out with him for a week.

[auntiem]

Late to the thread I know. But I think that if you have to ask if it is too much then your instinct is correct. This is bothering you so then yes, it is too much.

So from what I understand from the first post is that your bf has two exes and one female friend that have also dated this mf of bf? And they all called him to complain about him? Am I reading that right? That doesn't sound healthy (for anyone in the situation) at all.

In my opinion the only reasons to call an ex are as follows:
1) To tell them to get their damn stuff already.
2) If you dated for over a year and lived together and find X-mas ornaments of theirs mixed in with yours you can call them to have them pick it up (that is a polite courtesy).
3) You have children together.
4) You have a pet you know they loved and need to tell them important health info about them.
5) Ditto with parents / family members they were close to.
6) If you ended on decent terms, and you have a major life change (i.e. "I'm moving to London to start my new job!" - note you can't do this if there is any kind of neener neener vibe to it)
7) You are doing the 12 steps and need to make amends.

Your bf isn't really helping anyone (including his relationship with you). I think his heart is in the right place, but he needs some help himself before he can help others. Perhaps call on his Christian beliefs and remind him of the "it is better to teach a man to fish..." part.
Perhaps support his need to help by suggesting he volunteer at a crisis line. Those volunteers get training which it sounds like he needs.

I also call BS on some of the things this girl is telling him - I don't know that many people who are autistic / on the asburgers spectrum, but I have a hard time picturing any of them calling someone and crying uncontrollably.
And excuse me, but big whoop she is hypoglycemic - so am I. So are many many people. Yes, it is easier to not be single if you are - my SO can tell if I'm "crossing the line" long before I can. And no, you can't be cavalier about it, but really he should tell her to put her big girl panties on already, get training about it if she needs to and adjust to the hypo lifestyle (cheese sticks anyone?). She'll want to get this done well before June - since travel is kind of a pain if you are hypo.

[snugglegirl05]

Mutual female's male friend wanted much more than just friendship

I found out more information from my boyfriend over the weekend regarding his mutual female friend.

Turns out that whenever she was alone with her male friend *the male friend of my boyfriend*, he kept on talking about how much he wanted to have sex with her, how much he wanted to touch her, how intimate he wanted to get with her, & so on. My boyfriend told me she kept on telling him no, she was not interested in that type of relationship & that she did not want him to do what he wanted to do. This happened before the incident at his place where she was violated.

Yet she continued to go over to his place alone after he kept on saying those things & after the incident. My boyfriend told me her male friend kept on telling her how much he wanted to have sex with her, how much he wanted to touch her, how intimate he wanted to get with her, & so on after the incident as well as during their very short-term dating relationship. Now she does not want to be alone with her male friend.

I find this to be mind boggling.

[Jester]

In my opinion the only reasons to call an ex are as follows...

I respectfully disagree, as I know many people who are on quite good and friendly terms with their exes. Hell, *I* am on good and friendly terms with many of my exes. Some to the point that they are still good friends of mine, and would be invited to my wedding were I to get married, and would attend said wedding.

Not all ex situations are evil and vicious and horrible. Nor does being exes automatically preclude people from being friends, even good friends, after the fact.

And excuse me, but big whoop she is hypoglycemic - so am I. So are many many people.

Being hypoglycemic is not an excuse for bad behavior. Hell, my one friend is hypoglycemic, and every now and then, we'll notice he's having issues before he does. And what do we do? We get him a glass of pineapple juice, and he's fine. Just some simple fructose, nothing more, no major issue or drama.

This girl is just a walking disaster of ridiculous proportions.

[snugglegirl05]

Another update

Seems like my boyfriend's mutual female friend lets him know of her issues one at a time.

He told me this today.

She recently told him she has schizophrenia, which she takes medication for, & that she recently had a seizure. She recently went to her doctor, who put her on medication for seizures.

My boyfriend told me he & her mutual male friend have to remind every day to take her medications.

So in addition to schizophrenia & seizures, she has autism, & she is hypoglycemic.