Bullying coping strategies? (epic length-even for me!)

[MoonCat]

Amethyst, I know EXACTLY the feelings you describe. I honestly don't spend any time thinking about those days, normally....except when it comes up in the news or something else reminds me of it. It makes me so frickin' angry. I've always wished I could take that one punch at all of the idiots who made my school days a living hell. I didn't have the nerve or the skills back then. I still don't have the skills, but if one of those lowlife scum turned up in front of me and opened his or her mouth, they'd be missing some teeth.

As far as the popular kids and those who could tolerate forced association with me....there was ONE kid who didn't act like it was the end of the world if I picked her for my team. One. The rest were bitches who followed everything the popular kids did, which included not wanting to be on my team.

[Jester]

I was asked to tell the stories of my bullying, and my reactions to it, and I have done so...but because of the nature of the stories and my opinions about the subject, I thought it best to do so in fratching. If you're interested, you can find it here.

[fireheart]

Thanks guys.

Well the good news is that I've been able to isolate most of the problems. She's sort of just been able to knit into the groups of the girls a bit better, although her social skills WILL take some work.

We discussed this together and worked out that she will both bully and play the victim. The person she's sitting across from however, tends to push her buttons and therefore she pushes back. Although in some cases, she'll do it instead. We've both agreed that this will take some practice for her to learn to "ignore" her desk buddies. For the most part, the issue is just more in class rather than out on the playground. She's participated in games with the class, even just in minor roles. (although she has to be prompted once in a while)

[Amethyst Hunter]

Amethyst, I know EXACTLY the feelings you describe. I honestly don't spend any time thinking about those days, normally....except when it comes up in the news or something else reminds me of it. It makes me so frickin' angry. I've always wished I could take that one punch at all of the idiots who made my school days a living hell. I didn't have the nerve or the skills back then. I still don't have the skills, but if one of those lowlife scum turned up in front of me and opened his or her mouth, they'd be missing some teeth.

Same here. The majority of my brain is reserved for more important things, like fannish stuff, finding a new job, and where do socks go in the dryer. But if something comes up that reminds me of what I went through, my blood pressure can go from resting to through the atmosphere in .2 seconds flat.

I realize there can never be a satisfactory explanation for human cruelty, but still, I always wonder: WHY do people have to be such fucking assholes?? What the fuck is WRONG with people?

[Seshat]

You're lucky to know me.

One of the bullying incidents I suffered was a group of girls actively trying to drown me. The 'supervising' teachers did nothing. If I were not a strong swimmer with a good knowledge of physics (in deep water, they couldn't get the leverage to keep me under), I'd have died.

[MoonCat]

Good lord Seshat! I'm very glad they didn't succeed. But that brings up the question, what the FUCK was wrong with the teachers?!

[Andara Bledin]

Good lord Seshat! I'm very glad they didn't succeed. But that brings up the question, what the FUCK was wrong with the teachers?!

2 possiblities:

1) They just didn't give a fuck (far too common)
2) They are just as sociopathic as the kids (also distressingly common)

^-.-^

[Mishi]

I'm so glad that they didn't succeed as well! I can't imagine CS.com without you, Seshat! The teachers and bullies... well, all I have to say about them is

[Seshat]

Good lord Seshat! I'm very glad they didn't succeed. But that brings up the question, what the FUCK was wrong with the teachers?!

I have no idea. But right this moment, I'm remembering the feeling of .. well, betrayal, I guess. Loss of trust. Dammit. Someone give me a hug.

[Mishi]

*gently hugs Seshat and hides her in a comfy chair with a warm quilt and a yummy drink in the blanket fort*

[Seshat]

Thank you.

At any rate, I think this derail should be over....

[Draper Mel]

I still find this something of a difficult subject to talk about, even though I'll be 44 in a few days.

Amethyst, I have similar feelings and experiences to yours. I was afraid to fight back, and if I did, I often got in trouble. I know for a fact that my fifth grade teacher didn't like me. My mom told me when I was in my 20s, probably, about a parent-teacher conference she had with this teacher once. They were discussing something about me, probably my tendency to cry easily, and my mom said, "You don't have to like her" and this teacher said "Oh, well then." Back in the 70s, they didn't believe kids could get depressed, so I was never actually diagnosed until my early 30s.

Of course, even undiagnosed, it didn't help that kids thought it was funny to make me cry, or harass me for whatever reason they chose that day. I was smart, shy, sensitive, probably somewhere very low on the autism spectrum, so my social interaction could be awkward. The textbook bully victim.

What gets me now is all the anti-bullying efforts nowadays. My 13 year old nephew has some developmental issues, is bi-polar and OCD, among other things. He's been bullied to the point of being suicidal, and everyone wants to help him overcome this.

I got told I was too sensitive and I should just ignore them.

It makes me angry that I never got that kind of help. The problem was always with me, not with the bullies.

Sorry if I thread jacked, that wasn't my intention.

[Amethyst Hunter]

Amethyst, I have similar feelings and experiences to yours. I was afraid to fight back, and if I did, I often got in trouble. I know for a fact that my fifth grade teacher didn't like me. My mom told me when I was in my 20s, probably, about a parent-teacher conference she had with this teacher once. They were discussing something about me, probably my tendency to cry easily, and my mom said, "You don't have to like her" and this teacher said "Oh, well then." Back in the 70s, they didn't believe kids could get depressed, so I was never actually diagnosed until my early 30s.

I had a couple of teachers like that throughout grade and high school. Most I dealt with by doing an about-face and becoming a suck-up; I was good enough to fool them into thinking I was a good little 'reformed' conformist. At least one - the aforementioned English jackhole - was the type that would have seen right through that, so I didn't even bother trying. Plus, he was just a dick, whereas the others had some redeeming quality to them that made me able to tolerate them better.

I also was never diagnosed with depression (and possible social spectrum problems) until my late 20s. Nice to know that all this time you're basically flying in the breeze without a parachute, eh?

Of course, even undiagnosed, it didn't help that kids thought it was funny to make me cry, or harass me for whatever reason they chose that day.

I have had people do this to me. I hate/d them so very very much for it. Imagine sitting in a classroom full of people who only tolerate you because they have to, and the MOMENT the teacher is MIA ONE person gets the ENTIRE classroom to laugh in your face. (And that's just *one* example.)

Some (small) good though: years later, that piece of shit is now in jail for committing murder. I'm not surprised - he always did have a reputation for the worse. I only hope that his bitch co-conspirator (who actually started the whole thing; he just really made it worse by jumping in when he did, with what he said) got her karmic bitchslap.

What gets me now is all the anti-bullying efforts nowadays...I got told I was too sensitive and I should just ignore them...It makes me angry that I never got that kind of help.

I hear that. I have very mixed feelings about the subject. On the one hand, it's about fucking time that people are taking these poor kids seriously. OTOH, I'm very bitter about the fact that I was saying the EXACT SAME THINGS FOR YEARS and nobody listened. How many bodies and ruined lives does it take, after all, for people to finally get that wow, BULLYING FUCKING REALLY HURTS?

Edit to add: Seshat.

[Kristev]

Yes. They need to stop the bullying. They really, really do.

[Jester]

Yes. They need to stop the bullying. They really, really do.

I agree that it is about time that they started doing something about bullying, and that efforts to curtail it are long overdue.

However, I have some opinions that may differ with others on this subject, and thought it best to post the rest of my comments in the fratching bullying thread.