A knife in the back (long...)

[MoonCat]

Work has been a huge stress lately. So I don't need this additional shit.

My two sisters went to Shenandoah Nat'l Park and then to Myrtle Beach with our oldest friends. I had a feeling this trip was a bad idea, but I knew they wouldn't be able to do this again so we managed to pull it together money-wise.

Wow. BIG mistake.

Friend X (let's call her Xena) had a birthday the day after the trip started. Sis I and Sis II for some reason didn't get around to wishing her a happy birthday. Let me stress that this is the FIRST and ONLY time in our long acquaintance that this has happened--we send cards every year, we get gifts when we can; whereas Xena & her husband never remember when ANY of our birthdays occur unless we happen to mention it in a conversation. To be fair, they have always been generous when they do actually remember one of us is having a birthday. But we don't expect gifts or cards or anything from them. We're all adults, it's no big deal.

Except apparently Xena was upset & offended that my sisters didn't say anything. But did Xena say anything? Nope. So they all had a pretty good time down at Shenandoah. Xena was a little testy during the drive to Myrtle but she tends to be that way anyway.

The first night in Myrtle, Xena announced that SHE was going to a certain seafood restaurant and everyone else (including her husband) could come as well, or eat somewhere else. My one sister is a vegetarian. Xena & her husband KNOW this, and Sis told them the day they proposed this trip. They assured us it would not be a problem. Except that Xena threw what I can only describe as a pre-emptive fit, apparently assuming that Sis would somehow prevent her from going to eat at this place--saying that a big reason she comes to Myrtle Beach is "for the food" (??) and there was a Friendly's the others could walk to if they didn't want to eat at this other place. Yes, she told two women they could walk alone, at night, in a strange city, to a place whose location they weren't even sure of. And then she told my other sister that the first one (veg) was "inconsiderate"--even though sis had never even had a chance to say she did or didn't want to eat there.

They smoothed that over. Despite the rooms being crappy (flimsy doorlocks, no closets, wobbly toilet, roach, in-room coffee pot still holding last guest's old coffee...) and Xena being prickly & testy the whole rest of the trip, my sisters enjoyed themselves. Came home, week goes by, la la la...

We get the mail today and there's a note from Xena's husband, detailing the many ways my sisters were "rude" and bitching about them forgetting Xena's birthday. I won't get into all the details except to say that I am gobsmacked. We've known these people for over 20 years. They are not perfect. Hell, neither are we. My sisters came home vowing never to travel with them again. In light of this nasty note, we are not sure whether we should bother trying to salvage the friendship. Should I respond by letter? Call them? Send them gas money (one of the things they bitched about in the letter)? Or give them the kiss-off?

Questions?

[Jester]

From your post it sounds like you weren't on the trip, just your sisters were. Which means if there IS any response to that note, it should come from one or both of them, preferably both.

If they've been friends for that long, I am sure they can smooth things over again. The question in my mind is, do they really want to? If so, then yes, a response of some sort is warranted, and in my mind, it should be face to face or over the phone, but as your sisters know this girl and her husband better than I do, I am sure they can figure out what the best form of response would be.

[Pixilated]

For starters, it's pretty pathetic that she couldn't even write her own letter, but got her husband to do it!

Is Xena always this passive-aggressive or was this a one-time event? If she's always this way, your sisters might want to re-evaluate the worth of this "friendship."

I agree with Jester: if you weren't on the trip, the response to the note should come from one or (preferably) both of your sisters. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds as if you and both your sisters are all Xena's friends; if that's so, then you also have a decision to make.

However, unless you are 100% certain you want to cut this pair off, I wouldn't do anything immediately ... think about it for a while and see how things go.

[Slayer]

I can definitely see why X would be upset they forgot about her birthday. Yes, she forgets too, but it's different when you're with the person versus not. She could have always slipped it in the conversation like "oh, I think I'll get myself a birthday treat". It's not hard to do when you want something known. Would have saved her and the group the aggravation.

What's the issue with the gas? It wasn't split up?

And maybe the husband decided to write the letter on his own without Xena telling him to. Sometimes they do work on their own lol. I do agree with the others than any response should be from the parties involved.

When planning a trip with friends, you need to choose carefully. You can be the best of friends for a decade, but having to spend all your time together for an extended period of time can make you the not-so-best of friends. The things that have always annoyed you will suddenly seem much larger than they are. I always keep that in mind and force myself to breathe. If you keep nitpicking at those things, it ends up in a fight. It's happened to me on more than one occasion. Just gotta breathe and suck it up.

[MoonCat]

To answer the questions: Yes, as a matter of act "Xena" is a master at passive-aggressive. Hubby claims she didn't want him to say anything but he "couldn't let it go." He brought up a couple of things from years ago that we had no idea had bothered him at the time. If we want to play that game, there have been quite a few times in the past that Xena threw a bitch-fit at my sister. She once called us to tell us how much she & hubby disliked our brother and they wouldn't spend any time with him---which we had never asked them to do anyway. Long story, I won't get into that, point is she swings from nice, fun, generous, to pissy, huffy and super-sensitive.

The issue with the gas was this. They all had reserved rooms at the same hotel in VA. We found out that that hotel insists on seeing ID of ALL the guests. As I explained in another post, my one sister doesn't have photo ID. So we changed the reservations to another hotel. Then we couldn't get hold of Xena & hubby--their phone just kept saying the voicemail hadn't been set up. We couldn't get them on the phone at all the week before the trip, & they live an hour away. So we couldn't let them know about the hotel change, and they didn't have a chance to change their own reservations to the second hotel. That meant they had to drive between 2 hotels while they were in VA (roughly 15 miles apart).

I honestly didn't think it was such a big deal. These people drove from here to Florida and the Carolinas in the spring, and spent 6-7 weeks driving all over the south; drove up to Maine and back for a weekend a couple months ago, and are talking about driving to New England in the fall. Xena also wants to visit Ecuador. So the cost of gas doesn't seem to hold them back from what they want to do---except for this time when it involved other people.

I understand about the birthday. Both sisters said they felt bad and don't know why they never got around to mentioning it. This is the only time in 20 years that we missed it. Can't mature adults forgive one mistake?

By the way, these people are in their late 60's.

And Jester, I see what you're saying. But they addressed the letter to all three of us, me included. And since I was paying for my sisters' hotel, spending money & meals, I think he's hinting to ME about the cost of gas.

[Pixilated]

Hmmm ... I'm ambivalent on the gas. It's irritating that you couldn't get hold of them to explain about the hotels, but then again, they had no way of knowing you were trying to ...

I think the issue here versus their own trips is that on those trips they know they will be using lots of gas whereas this (from their POV) came out of nowhere.

I dunno. If I were in your shoes I might find myself flipping a coin on this one. Not much help, I know ...

And I can also see why the birthday thing would've been disappointing, but Jeez Loueeze, if she's in her 60s, she really needs to grow up and get over herself, especially since this is the first time in two decades it's happened.

[MamaMootz]

My answer to this question depends on a couple of things. The main question I have for you, is where is your hill to die on?

Is continuing a friendship with this couple more important than the petty b.s. they are laying out in the letter and continue to pull when you all get together?

Because you could reply to the letter asking for a face to face meeting to air grievances on both sides to clear the air and continue the friendship as adults moving forward. But I'm willing to bet the P/A masters will decline. Because that would involve them actually having to say something directly to your face and that's not how they operate. I imagine they'd be shocked to hear they aren't perfect, either. And this option will probably make everything go nuclear and add to the stress.

You could reply to the letter meeting them point for point and getting into an argument via mail. Probably more exhausting than the face to face confrontation as it has the potential to go on forever.

The only thing I can tell you that I would do for certain is either call them or ask them for a meeting face to face. I'd be trying to call them on the P/A b.s. I hate that.

[MoonCat]

One thing I forgot to say is that this involves family....it may have been my sisters and not me on this trip, but my sisters are all I have. If you attack them, you attack me. The last few years it seems as if it's always the rest of the world vs. the three of us, and nobody gives a shit about us. I know that sounds whiney, it's just been a rough few years. We just never seem to catch a break on anything.

Anyway. Definitely a call or a meeting is the way to go. I'm sure some people would tell me to "be the bigger person," cut them some slack, be fair, all that stuff. But other than the birthday, I don't feel we owe them an apology. I feel like they're nitpicking for every little thing that rubbed them the wrong way, ever, over 20 years, and we're supposed to bend over backward to make nice. From then on, every interaction we have with them will be us on eggshells, all the time; the trust is gone. This feels like it came out of nowhere. They've never apologized for anything objectionable that they've said or done, and there have been some doozies. We let it slide at the time, even though we were hurt and angry. I see now that we should not have, but we're not good at confrontations.

I don't know how to be friends anymore with somebody like that....I don't know if I want to be. Thanks for the input, guys. If anybody has anything else to say, feel free.

[MamaMootz]

p.s. Do not give them gas money. That will just reinforce that P/A behavior gets rewarded.

I would probably drop the friendship, or at the very least, put a great distance between myself and these people.

And I don't blame you for not wanting to continue the friendship. I wouldn't either.

[Pixilated]

MamaMootz has great advice ... in particular the line about "Where is your hill to die on?"

It sounds to me as if you've already decided you've had enough. Given their history, it's more than understandable if you decide this was it and cut them loose.

[MoonCat]

I'm thinking we'll probably call them and say, "We apologize for the birthday thing. That's on us, we screwed up. For the rest, you need to know you're not the only ones who came home with hurt feelings. I'll send you the gas money. Goodbye and have a nice life."

Maybe a little pissy but I'd keep my tone cordial. MamaMootz, I see what you're saying about the money, but if I'd been on the trip I would have offered to reimburse him for some of it.

Although...this is the funny part...apparently my sisters' hotel was actually closer to the park than our friends' hotel. They could probably have checked out after the first night and gotten a room at the other place and then they wouldn't have had to do as much driving. But, water under the bridge, I guess...

[Andara Bledin]

I wouldn't give them gas money.

The reason is that there was plenty of time for plans to be adjusted around the changes, except for the fact that the couple, who knew there was a trip in the offing, had no way to be contacted. It is, ultimately, their own fault that any extra gas was spent, and if their hotel was farther than the new one, was any extra gas even actually spent?

^-.-^

[MoonCat]

I wouldn't give them gas money.

The reason is that there was plenty of time for plans to be adjusted around the changes, except for the fact that the couple, who knew there was a trip in the offing, had no way to be contacted. It is, ultimately, their own fault that any extra gas was spent, and if their hotel was farther than the new one, was any extra gas even actually spent?

^-.-^

Well, according to the husband, yeah. "Going back and forth between two hotels for FOUR days! WOW!" is how he put it in the letter. But yeah, what you said is just what I was thinking.

It also occurs to me that he didn't have the balls to call us about this. No, he put it in a letter so that he wouldn't have to see our faces or hear us respond.

I know I'm over-analyzing this. Old habits. We need to just suck it up and make a decision. It's hard, though, because it looks like we're going to lose our oldest friends, and that hurts as much as having these accusations thrown at us.

[MamaMootz]

Well, according to the husband, yeah. "Going back and forth between two hotels for FOUR days! WOW!" is how he put it in the letter. But yeah, what you said is just what I was thinking.

It also occurs to me that he didn't have the balls to call us about this. No, he put it in a letter so that he wouldn't have to see our faces or hear us respond.

I know I'm over-analyzing this. Old habits. We need to just suck it up and make a decision. It's hard, though, because it looks like we're going to lose our oldest friends, and that hurts as much as having these accusations thrown at us.

Just one more thing I wanted to say, MoonCat.... you may be losing your oldest friends, but they are the ones that chose to make this such a giant issue that it put the friendship in jeopardy. You guys (you and your sisters) usually grin and bear it and take whatever behavior they have with a grain of salt, forgive, and move on. They are being petty.

The thing to remember (and I know I'm long winded, sorry) is that you are not the one that put the friendship here. They did. So even though it hurts, please don't be blaming yourselves or your sisters for the loss of the friendship. It's not on you.

It's your decision on the gas money, of course, but if your sister's hotel was closer to the park, wouldn't they have had to drive there anyway to get to the park?

[MoonCat]

MamaMootz....yeah. I hear you. You're not being long-winded at all. I appreciate your input, I really do.

Re: the park...yeah, I would have thought so. Get this: Turns out that the first day they were there, "Xena" asked at the people at my sisters' hotel if they had any rooms available. Apparently they did. So they could have switched hotels after the first night--and decided not to. Even if they were worried about losing their deposit, it was either that or the "extra" gas money, so I don't understand why they didn't switch hotels. I dunno, maybe it's the Lipitor & stuff they take.