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Slow, painful deaths involving rabid ferrets, sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their foreheads, and a vat of razor-filled, boiling oil.
I'm currently the only closer for the convenience store where I work. Our other two closers have both been fired within a span of about five days. The first because he was a victim to a very elaborate and sophisticated scam involving the PINs for those pay-as-you-go cell phones that cost the store $600. The second because she tried to pull a fast one involving a medical excuse, but was later seen around town acting quite healthy indeed. Thus, "I am the last one." (Gods help me and anyone else who knows where that came from.)
Here's a few of the morons I've had to deal with on yesterday's surprise twelve hour shift.
The Bankmen
You know these idiots. These are the ones who come in and demand you break a bill for change so they can do their laundry and whatnot. Without buying anything. Gods forbid they haul their lazy asses to the bank while it's open. Typical convo went like this:
BM: "Can you break this ten/twenty/fifty/hundred?"
Me: "Sorry, can't open the register unless you purchase something, and I only have three dollars in quarters in my drawer as it is."
BM: "Then let me buy those rolls of quarters over there." *Points at safe where there's a split roll of quarters.*
Me: "Sorry, we cannot sell our quarter rolls."
BM: "Why not?!" *getting pissed, which pleases my masters*
Me: "Because those are for the registers. If we sell them, then we have none for when we run out, like I will in about one hour." *I've gotten good at guessing when I'll need new coin rolls. I was off by twenty minutes. I blame the unexpected rush.*
BM: "I need coins for laundry! What the fuck am I supposed to do now?!"
Me: "Might I suggest a bank?"
BM: "They're closed!"
Me *shrugging*: "Sucks for you then, sorry. Next!" *Yes, I did say that to one of the more obnoxious ones, with the manager right next to me no less. I think her being in a bad mood was the only reason I didn't get nailed for that.*
The Welfare Leech
This is one scumbag in particular I'd love to set on fire and take bets on how long he did the flambe dance. He's this nasty, scummy guy who always wears a leather jacket, even in the summer. He doesn't work even though he' s perfectly capable, and uses EBT like it's going out of style. He spent over three hundred dollars on junk food yesterday, and was bragging about reselling most of it at the fireworks display last night. Every time I see him heading towards our store, I want to point at him a la Evil Monkey and scream, "BEGONE FOUL LEECH! OUR TWINKIES AND HO-HO'S ARE NOT FOR THE LIKES OF YOU! GET THEE TO A REAL JOB!"
The manager still refuses to let me taser him and stuff him in the dumpster on trash day.
Thuggy McLacksabelt
This semi-amusing schmuck comes in every few days to hassle me and buy smokes. He hassles me by never having his ID, because at this point, I merely card him out of spite. Hearing him swearing while doing the pimp-walk back to his riced out little Honda Civic is music to my ears only overshadowed by the voice of Rogue from Cruxshadows or Roy Khan of Kamelot.
Yesterday, he decided it would be smart to insinuate threats against my person. Bravo, Thuggy, bravo. You're a five eight idiot who'd be lucky to weigh one thirty if double-dipped in cement. I'm the five ten, two hundred and ten pound of surly clerk currently in training for enlistment for the Marines. Oh, and did I mention the two, freshly sharpened machetes in the trunk of my car? Hey! Where're you going? Come back! I gotta carve some intelligence into that wooden head of yours!
Granny Swear
I should be pissed at you, but I could only stand in awe at the sheer beauty in which you could string those swears together. Such brutal music rarely seen outside a sailor's convention. Please, teach me, mold me. Make me capable of verbally flaying people alive.
*Takes a deep breath* So, how was your Saturday?
I'm currently the only closer for the convenience store where I work. Our other two closers have both been fired within a span of about five days. The first because he was a victim to a very elaborate and sophisticated scam involving the PINs for those pay-as-you-go cell phones that cost the store $600. The second because she tried to pull a fast one involving a medical excuse, but was later seen around town acting quite healthy indeed. Thus, "I am the last one." (Gods help me and anyone else who knows where that came from.)
Here's a few of the morons I've had to deal with on yesterday's surprise twelve hour shift.
The Bankmen
You know these idiots. These are the ones who come in and demand you break a bill for change so they can do their laundry and whatnot. Without buying anything. Gods forbid they haul their lazy asses to the bank while it's open. Typical convo went like this:
BM: "Can you break this ten/twenty/fifty/hundred?"
Me: "Sorry, can't open the register unless you purchase something, and I only have three dollars in quarters in my drawer as it is."
BM: "Then let me buy those rolls of quarters over there." *Points at safe where there's a split roll of quarters.*
Me: "Sorry, we cannot sell our quarter rolls."
BM: "Why not?!" *getting pissed, which pleases my masters*
Me: "Because those are for the registers. If we sell them, then we have none for when we run out, like I will in about one hour." *I've gotten good at guessing when I'll need new coin rolls. I was off by twenty minutes. I blame the unexpected rush.*
BM: "I need coins for laundry! What the fuck am I supposed to do now?!"
Me: "Might I suggest a bank?"
BM: "They're closed!"
Me *shrugging*: "Sucks for you then, sorry. Next!" *Yes, I did say that to one of the more obnoxious ones, with the manager right next to me no less. I think her being in a bad mood was the only reason I didn't get nailed for that.*
The Welfare Leech
This is one scumbag in particular I'd love to set on fire and take bets on how long he did the flambe dance. He's this nasty, scummy guy who always wears a leather jacket, even in the summer. He doesn't work even though he' s perfectly capable, and uses EBT like it's going out of style. He spent over three hundred dollars on junk food yesterday, and was bragging about reselling most of it at the fireworks display last night. Every time I see him heading towards our store, I want to point at him a la Evil Monkey and scream, "BEGONE FOUL LEECH! OUR TWINKIES AND HO-HO'S ARE NOT FOR THE LIKES OF YOU! GET THEE TO A REAL JOB!"
The manager still refuses to let me taser him and stuff him in the dumpster on trash day.
Thuggy McLacksabelt
This semi-amusing schmuck comes in every few days to hassle me and buy smokes. He hassles me by never having his ID, because at this point, I merely card him out of spite. Hearing him swearing while doing the pimp-walk back to his riced out little Honda Civic is music to my ears only overshadowed by the voice of Rogue from Cruxshadows or Roy Khan of Kamelot.
Yesterday, he decided it would be smart to insinuate threats against my person. Bravo, Thuggy, bravo. You're a five eight idiot who'd be lucky to weigh one thirty if double-dipped in cement. I'm the five ten, two hundred and ten pound of surly clerk currently in training for enlistment for the Marines. Oh, and did I mention the two, freshly sharpened machetes in the trunk of my car? Hey! Where're you going? Come back! I gotta carve some intelligence into that wooden head of yours!
Granny Swear
I should be pissed at you, but I could only stand in awe at the sheer beauty in which you could string those swears together. Such brutal music rarely seen outside a sailor's convention. Please, teach me, mold me. Make me capable of verbally flaying people alive.
*Takes a deep breath* So, how was your Saturday?
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