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  #1111  
Old 05-11-2020, 07:54 AM
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purplecat41877 purplecat41877 is offline
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Dear Mr. Noid,

We got in contact with your doctor and passed this letter to him. Also, the cartoon is just a form of entertainment.

Sincerely,

W. Ebsitedevil
Owner



Dear Border Patrol Manager,

I was stopped at the border of Mexico by one of your rude Border Patrol officers who had the nerve to ask me what my purpose was for entering Mexico. I told him it was none of his business. He refused to lift the gate so I drove my car through it. The officer tried to come after me so I ran over his legs with my car and sped off. I want the Border Patrol officer fired and told it was none of his business that I'm getting away from the FBI for robbing several banks and jewelry stores. The FBI will never be able to arrest me if I'm in Mexico. I will not go to prison and will be living in my car until I find a place to live. I also want you to tell the Mexican police to leave me alone or I will run those who try to stop me over with my car.

Sincerely,

Fu G. Tive
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  #1112  
Old 05-15-2020, 09:39 PM
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Kristev Kristev is offline
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Dear Mr. Tive,

Don't fret. Just wait in your rather distinctive car, and I and my friends will come over and help you. We'll be only too happy to take you where the F. B. I. can't find you, where the Mexican police can't find you, where even Dog the Bounty Hunter can't find you. In fact, where nobody can find you. Be prepared for a new life.

Sincerely,

Mr. Hugh Man Trafficker.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Anne Trepeneur,


I am furious with your daughters, Minerva and Athena. Why am I angry at your teenage girl and her tween sister? Because when my home somehow caught on fire last night, and everyone in the neighborhood started gathering to watch the blaze, your daughters set up a lemonade stand and started selling lemonade! They made a fortune!

What brats! Not that I'm pleased with the community, either. Everyone watched my home burn down and not one of you could somehow manage to find your garden hoses. People were acting like my home burning was some kind of a block party! They had Bluetube livestreaming, with Belle Siren leading the community in a song of cheer and celebration!

It became a big party, and everyone came. Including Dr. Leona Pride and her Lionesses, as well as a couple of people from the Supermen and Wonder Women cleaning agency. And that creepy Dr. X from the asylum was there, too. Pizza delivery people from my favorite parlor, were also there reveling.

But it was your girls who made me so angry, selling lemonade and making a bundle. And they didn't even agree to give me any of the money! After all, it's me who is suffering here! As of last night, I am homeless!

All my fine things are gone! There's nothing left. It's all ashes! What am I supposed to do now? A lifetime of collections, burned to a crisp. Why, even a few mice and rats got burned up, too. No one was even willing to let me stay with them. Instead, they were having a block party!

I don't even know how my home caught on fire, only that it did, and it burned fast. And all my neighbors, all my friends, services I've had, in fact, just about everyone I know, was there celebrating.

"Your house has been a hazard to your neighbors for a long time," said Dr. Pride. "It was also condemned last week, so why are you still even living there? The Cult of Free Bees is less dangerous than your rat-infested house of hoarding."

The fire department showed up, but they did nothing until the fire began to spread to the Grayson house next door.

I'm so mad! I demand that you make your daughters give me the money they made selling lemonade at the block party! I also expect that you and the other neighbors find me a new place to live! The only reason I actually didn't end up sleeping on the literal street is because Dr. X invited, well, actually, he more like insisted, that I came to his asylum to be treated for a hoarding disorder. So at least I have a room and a bed, for a few days . . .

But I need a new home! And I want all my things restored! And I really, really want to know which one of you set that fire! On top of all that, I want the money your kids made, and another few thousand on top of that for my trouble, my trauma, my pain, and my suffering!

If you don't give it to me, and fast, when I get out of here, there's a few other houses in the neighborhood that could use a little fire. Shall I start with your home?

Angrily yours,

Mr. Tras. H. Keeper, now homeless and with none of my possessions, just a creepy doctor and a scary, pushy nurse who keeps threatening me.
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Last edited by Kristev; 05-16-2020 at 08:18 PM.
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  #1113  
Old 07-22-2020, 01:12 AM
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purplecat41877 purplecat41877 is offline
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Dear Mr. Keeper,

It's not safe to live in a condemned house and the house caught fire due to rodents chewing on the wires. Therefore, you will receive nothing except a long stay in the institution.

Sincerely,

Anne Trepeneur
Manager



Dear Outdoor Store Manager,

I recently bought a grill from your store since I had guests coming over. However, it rained the day of the barbecue. I wasn't going to let the rain ruin my plans so I brought the grill into the living room and grilled the food there. Some of the guests started to have trouble breathing and had to be rushed to the hospital.

Thanks to your store, the guests that were rushed to the hospital had to be treated for carbon monoxide. You need to train your employees to warn customers that barbecue grills can't be used indoors. Also, you need to contact the company and have them put on a warning label not to use the grill indoors. If you don't, I will barbecue in your store and then set it on fire.

Sincerely,

I. N. Doorgriller

Last edited by purplecat41877; 07-23-2020 at 04:47 AM.
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  #1114  
Old 10-19-2020, 05:38 AM
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purplecat41877 purplecat41877 is offline
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Dear Mr. Doorgriller,

If you looked on the box, it clearly states that the grill is for outdoor use only. We have informed the police of your threats.

Sincerely,

G. R. Iller
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I was recently in your store and the employee who rang me up was very rude to me. I asked her if she was voting for Ronald Grump or Moe Ridin. She had the nerve to tell me it was none of my business and she couldn’t vote anyway because she was sixteen. I want this rude employee fired and make sure no one else hires her until she’s eighteen or I will burn down your store.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Nosy
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  #1115  
Old 10-20-2020, 05:05 AM
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Kristev Kristev is offline
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Dear Mrs. Nosy,

Since we are in Ireland, we aren't even having elections at this time. We do wish Americans like you would learn some manners when visiting our country. It seems a fourteen-day hold in your hotels isn't enough to get you familiar with how things are done in Ireland.

We won't be firing Molly for being honest, anyway. She is only sixteen.

But we don't think you'll be voting for anyone, anyway, since you committed a crime in our store. Or did you think our security camera didn't notice you seizing quite a handful of sanitizer bottles, knocking them off of the shelf and letting most of them land into your purse, while the rest hit the floor? And worse, drank one of those bottles because it said Chocolate on it. The reason you left is because you were rushed to the hospital thanks to that same Molly you berated so savagely. Her keen eyes and quick thinking got you to the hospital in time. Don't you know sanitizer is poisonous?


We have already informed the police about you. It was very foolish to threaten to burn down our store, and even more unwise to put your name and address on the letter. Perhaps we should be worried about you for your own safety, since you clearly don't have enough sense to manage a simple trip to the store without getting yourself in mortal danger. Luckily, either the police or the doctors will keep hold of you for your own protection.

Sincerely,

Mr. Dan Withyou,

Supervisor, Four-Leaf Clover Markets.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Druids of the Coast,

I'm writing to you to complain about your namely updated game, Forests and Komodo Dragons. When my teenage son, me tween daughter, and I got the game book from Female Warriors website, we thought it would be a simple game to play with dice on a table. But it isn't.

Instead, it's a book that expects children and teenagers to get up and outside, having adventures in the forest or the ocean, though always with a mother/father/stepparent/grandfather/grandmother/aunt/uncle/responsible adult sibling serving as the Game Master. The book is full of quests, such as shoot all manner of wildlife (with a camera. If you use a gun, you are disqualified), clean up all the trash in an area of the forest or the beach in exchange for a reward from the GM, rescue injured or trapped animals, and all sorts of quest ideas like that.

You can play as either a Ranger, who serves as a guide to others and a forest warrior, or a Druid, who can cast spells and has some kind of mystical nature-priest vibe to it. The only other option to play is the Bard, who combines their powers but adds music and storytelling. Only, bards have to do their own singing and makeup their own songs, because you can't bring any electronics with you when you play the game, except for cameras and medical equipment, which are part of the spells. Everything else is forbidden by the rules. Well, of course, I ignored that so I could bring my smart phone. I rely on that for everything. My kids prefer video games.

So my son, my daughter, and my nephew, went to the woods with me to play this game. My son was the druid, my daughter the bard, and my nephew the ranger.

The kids quickly started using the core rule book, looking up skills. I looked over the skills, too, and none of them were for dungeoneering or the epic raids we're all use to playing on video games. These skills were about survival in a forest. The whole book was practically nothing but wilderness/ocean lore and Knowledge: Nature. My son thinks he knows more about safe and toxic plants, and about the healing properties of plants and herbs, than my video-doctor does! He's become quite annoying!

Obviously, my son, the Druid, had the best time with the book, because he kept referring to it to cast spells. Only it turns out, and he and I both noticed this right away but my younger daughter and nephew didn't, that the spells in the book aren't really magic. They're just designed to feel like they are as part of the game. For instance, my son using the "Summon Nature's Ally" spell involved the book teaching him the correct use of lights, campfires, and flares, to get the attention of a forest ranger. It certainly got one, and she helped us, but I'm still annoyed. If my phone could make a call out here in the woods, I would've just called the rangers myself!

Well, I was wandering ahead because I wanted to see something. My nephew cried out that, according to the book, I was walking straight into a hornet's nest. I ignored him, and kept on walking, because Boondoggle Maps on my phone told me to. Next thing I know, I'm getting stung. I'm allergic to hornets, and I lose consciousness.

From what my daughter told me when I woke up, my son grabbed the book and cast a level 9 spell that only Master Druids dare to cast except in emergencies: Cure Critical Allergy. The book, she said, taught him exactly how to use my emergency epi pen and then how to handle any further allergic reactions until I got healthy again. And he cast the spell, using the instructions to use my pen. The boy just kept healing me as the book directed until I was safe. But not once did he even try to use my phone for help. How offensive!

And then I really got mad, because I used Boondoggle Maps again to lead us back to camp after an expedition. But finally, my son had enough and demanded we stop, because we were lost and Boondoggle Maps were only making it worse. He and I argued, until my daughter grabbed the book. She used another spell, Discern Location. She rattled off the instructions, and she sounded like she was practicing astrology, casting a spell. But my son told me to let her have her fun. The book's spells are meant to trick you into thinking you're using magic, such as astrology, but it's really teaching her basic astronomy using astrology's trappings. My daughter recognized Ursa minor, and that our camp was only a little bit far from it. So using the 'spell' she used the stars and guided us back to camp herself, with no help from my son (who was letting her have her moment) or my phone! I don't want her learning magic for real! All night, she crowed that she could tell the future, while my son begged me not to tell her the truth yet, and that she did in fact save us using the book.

My nephew, on the other hand, when he had the book, learned a great deal about animals. He convinced my daughter to stay away from the grizzly bear we saw (luckily far from us), because the section of the book about Handle Animal: Bear, made it clear to him that bears are not cuddly, and are not nice. My phone didn't even work that deep in the woods! And worse yet, my nephew read the section on traps and warned us we were about to walk into a quicksand patch. My son made us turn away on my nephew's advice. He even grabbed me and held me back! I should've punched him for his disrespect!

Anyway, we get home. I've had a horrible time, missing my coffee, my shower, my television, my Internet, and of course, my phone. But my son and daughter had a great time and want to do it again someday. Next time, they can take their mother as GM. She loves going to the beach, anyway, and the book is almost as much about the ocean as it is about the forest. Bah humbug! Why did my kids have to fall in love with the forest? Why couldn't they just be technophiles like me, like they were before we ever got this book?

And worse, my son has convinced my wife, his mother, to buy him two supplement books for his birthday! She can't choose. There are too many. The Book of Healing, The Book of Reptiles, The Book of Geography. He finally settled on one two: The Book of Healing, which is a comprehensive guide to everything you'd need to know about medicine in a forest/ocean/wilderness setting, and Arctic Adventures, which tells you how to play the game in places like Alaska.

I took a look, just to see, at The Book of Reptiles. It said "In the Core Rulebook, you learned that snakes with triangle heads are usually venomous, while snakes that lack that are usually safe. But in places like Texas, that's not always true. This book is a full and comprehensive manual for how to deal with reptiles, unlike the general advice in the Core Rulebook . . ."

I am offended by all of this! I don't pay this kind of money to buy a book that's basically a camping guide with fantasy trappings! I demand that you revise this book so that you're required to bring all of your technology! That you're not to rely on stars for guidance or herbs for healing and food, but on your phone, and things like that! And I demand that you fix my Boondoggle Maps, as it's become as useless for travel around the city as it was for travel in the woods! Plus, I want a million dollars and the sorcerer class included!

If you don't, I happen to know some people from the Blackguard Corporation who will be only too happy to tear your business to shreds if I pay them enough! I'd also like you to fire that customer service representative, Flora, because when I called your company line to complain, including that there were no sorcerers in the game, as I love to play as sorcerers when I play online games, she told that unlike druids and bards, sorcerers aren't real and so they weren't included in the game. The point was to get kids off their butts, off screams, and back into the healthier environment of the forest and the ocean. How dare she be so rude?

Signed,

Mr. Tex Addict.
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  #1116  
Old 12-02-2020, 10:14 PM
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purplecat41877 purplecat41877 is offline
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Dear Mr. Addict,

We design games to take a break from technology and so people can get fresh air and enjoy nature.
Also, your requests are denied and Flora has been given a raise and promoted to customer service manager.

Sincerely,

D. R. uidplayer
Manager



Dear Credit Card Company,

I tried to purchase some items and my card was rejected. When I called the number on the card, your rude employee told me that I needed to pay my bill. I told her that no one told me I was supposed to pay my bill. She told me that a bill was sent in a envelope with the company's name. I told her that I threw it out because I thought it was junk mail. I demand you tell anyone with a credit card that they have to pay their bill or I will post on Facebook that you give away cards with free money on them.

Sincerely,

C. L. Uelesswithacreditcard
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  #1117  
Old 01-11-2021, 04:37 AM
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Kristev Kristev is offline
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Dear Credit Mr. Uelesswithacreditcard,

We here are Discovered Cards are very sorry that someone else's card was rejected. This has been a bit of a problem, as our cards have quite a tendency to be lost by the original holders, and then found a short time later by other people. Based upon your information, we know that while your card says Ms. Terra Deacon, your name is Molly Coddle.
What our employee told you, our phone records indicate, is that Mrs. Deacon hasn't paid her bill since her card went missing and has requested that we cancel her card. That is why your card stopped working. Mrs. Deacon refused to pay the bill, or let the card continue to exist, since it was no longer her that was doing all the spending. She can't sue us, because it's in our contract that missing Discovered cards become the property of the new cardholder. You had your fun playing on Mrs. Deacon's dime, but alas, all good things come to an end. As for Facebook, alas, we've been banned from there, as we have from most formats, because it's too easy to take someone else's card and act like its your own.

We'll send you a card of your very own if you wish, but it becomes your responsibility to pay the bill, and heaven help you should you misplace it and someone else finds it. Because we won't, and our settlement with the state A. G. says we don't have to. We just have to state this in our contract go through all the hoops, and when someone cancels a card because it's lost, we have to honor that and drop all expectations of payment and . . . well, why bore you with details when you obviously don't read anyway.

If you want a card of your own, just sign on the dotted line. And do what people have learned to do with our cards; chain it to your wrist and keep away from Joker Wildcard. Especially if he has his cell phone out.

Sincerely,

Mr. Sam Juan Elsamoney,

Customer service rep for Discovered Cards.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Buffer Zone Coldspot Internet Services,

I am angry because I placed a call to your customer service department, because I wanted an upgrade on my Internet services. Your worker there, some unimportant no one with some foreign name and accent, Louisianan or something, refused to upgrade me. She said, if you can call what she does with that foreign accent 'speech', was that I'd signed an iron-clad, frozen contract and the only way out is to cancel my service and pay the early termination fee.

I admit, I said a few things that weren't kind and demanded to speak with an American. She tried to 'say' she was one, but I rebuked her. Only people who don't have an accent, like me, are Americans. Foreigners like her are the absolute ruin of this country, you know? Once, she dared to try to 'ask' me if New Orleans was part of America, and I told her "Of course it isn't! Hurricane Katrina washed it out to sea years ago! Now you need to stop playing games and get me a manager."
And she did, but the manager was a man from New York! New York! That's somewhere in Europe! I wanted an American, and I wanted one now! But I didn't get one. That foreigner from New York told me that he was the only manager working at night, so it was me or nothing until morning. I felt trapped. And persecuted! But I had no choice, so I went along and told this alien that I wanted him to upgrade my service, and that I would not be paying for any service upgrade or any extra fees, because of my trauma and inconvenience dealing with all these foreigners.

He asked me where I was from, and I told him. Florida. Then he signed, and when I pressed him, he quickly explained that he was sighing only because his computer was working so slowly, and that he's used to "New York speeds." What kind of men do you hire? First he's a foreigner, and now he tells me he wants Speed?

Finally, we went over my contract. He told me that slow Internet service that tends to falter when watching videos or expecting it to do anything, and having a device that does provide Internet, but at a very feeble level and has a literal chill to the touch, for the unchanging price of ten dollars a month, is the standard contract. The "Thawed Out But Unsafe" or TUBO, would require upgrading to seventy dollars a month.
And to get the "Hot & Wild" service would cost one hundred and twenty dollars a month. In either case, I'd have to break my contract, pay the cancellation fee, and start with a new contract. I refused this, and demanded to be upgraded for free.

His response was that we'd been talking until daybreak, so now a manager higher than him had just walked into the building. He put her on, and she was from Ireland! I could tell by her accent, and her name, Kathleen O'Rourke. So I immediately hung up. Foreigner upon foreigner upon foreigner! Is that why your service is so slow?

So I'm writing you this letter. I've also had it written in Mexican by my housekeeper, who is Mexican herself, so that there are two copies in this envelope. You'll be able to read one of them, no doubt.
I demand a free upgrade to the best service possible, and that you provide me with that service for free for life! You can also give me a million dollars for my trouble. If you don't, I'm going to call the authorities and tell them that you're hiring illegals! They're going to put the hurt on you so bad!

Bitterly yours,

Mr. Dan Derhead.

OOC: This letter only works if Buffer Zone Coldspot Internet is as I wrote it: That it does provide Internet services for ten dollars a month, but service so slow and weak that people only put up with it because the price is frozen at ten dollars.
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  #1118  
Old 01-16-2021, 12:40 AM
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purplecat41877 purplecat41877 is offline
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Dear Mr. Derhead,

All of our employees are from the United States and tried to help you. We can't upgrade you for free but we can do a new upgrade for $40 a month. The internet will be high speed. Also, enclosed is a map of the world.

Sincerely,

T. I. Redofslowspeeds
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came to shop and your rude employees kept telling me that I have to wear a mask in the store. I am very important and the ridiculous pandemic rules that involve this fake virus don't apply to me. I demand you tell your employees to mind their own business and allow me to shop without a mask all I want. If you don't, I will set fire to your store with a carton of cigarettes.

Sincerely,

Ida Wanda Wearamask
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