Hot Tips for America

[SuperB]

Vancouverites...
( I can point and laugh because I'm not from here. )

Attention BC Transit and RCMP: Yes, we know the roads are slippery. The roads are slippery because it snowed. They were slippery last time it snowed. They’re slippery every time it snows. They were slippery when it happened last week. They were slippery when it happened last month. They were slippery when it happened ( wait for it ) last year. In fact if it’s snowing and/or raining with low temperatures, you can pretty much guarantee the roads will be slippery. Yet for some reason you seem surprised and appalled every time it happens and then feel the need to call me about it, repeatedly, all night, as if the salt trucks don’t know there’s ice and snow out there and are just driving around mindlessly listening to Rock 101 while warming their crotch with a large coffee from Tim Horton’s oblivious to the several hundred kilos of salt in the back of their vehicle.

I know its slippery. The district crews know its slippery. The municipal crews know its slippery. The only people who seem to be surprised by the fact there’s snow and ice in the winter, despite winter’s rather consistent record in this field, is you guys.

Around here it's like people forget that it snows every winter. And it surprises me that people don't get that snow isn't the same everywhere. They complain at having to put on tire chains on a mountain highway where, yes, it's only a couple of inches but snow at barely freezing is slick and that grade coming up at the summit is freakin scary. If it were really cold it wouldn't be as dangerous.

[Chrono180]

A Series of Unfortunate Events

1) You called to report your neighbor is locked out in the hallway.

2) You also report that he is drunk.

3) And completely buck ass naked.

4) AND spread eagle on the floor of the hallway.

5) Bonus: This is a retirement home.

The goggles. They do nothing.

Please excuse me. I have to go poke out my mind's eye.

[Peppergirl]

IGeography Lessons

SC: “So where’s Vancouver in relation to Michigan?”
Me: “We’re way over on the west coast right on the pacific.”
SC: “Oh wow, really? Like above California?”
Me: “Yes, we’re above Washington state.”
SC: “I didn’t know Canada stretched that far!”

…..<twitch>

On behalf of all my countrymen and women, please accept my humblest apologies.

[crazylegs]

They're slowly trying to get the number of hats needed. Plus some pink camo to add extra flair.

Because you'd hate to have the minimum amount of flair!

[Sonoma]

GK, I too love your posts immensely. Thank you to subjecting yourself to such idiocy. We get much amusement out of it.

You are also the reason my cat is now looking at me with a very quizzical expression on his face, trying to figure out why mom is laughing hilariously at that funny TV screen sitting on her lap.

You not only entertain your readers, but their pets as well.

[Sliceanddice]

i love you because you make my mom laugh....

[Becks]

Because you'd hate to have the minimum amount of flair!

Darn skippy!!

[Amethyst Hunter]

I shall attempt to apologize in the form of an epic length post:

Apology accepted.

You suggested that we attempt to “get God on our side” by killing as many sinners as possible. Not only is this rather disturbing and delusional but it implies God works off of some sort of point reward system like Save On or Air Miles.

That's about the most succinct description I've ever heard of dominionism and the U.S. Christalibanists (not to be confused with actual Christians, k thnx).

I’m not entirely sure what a “Pedophile Cauldron” is but it sounds like a Harry Potter fan fiction gone terribly terribly wrong.

...You do realize that this has probably actually been written, in some pusnugget corner of the Internets out there...?

Rule of fanfiction: the more wrong, insane and squick-inducing it is, the greater likelihood of its being in existence.

what the heck are triple cramps? I wasn’t aware there was some sort of Ovarian multiplier involved when gauging the severity.

Get yourself a uterus and a pair of ovaries. Trust me. You WILL understand immediately.

[Sylvia727]

Get yourself a uterus and a pair of ovaries. Trust me. You WILL understand immediately.

Only if they're installed properly...

[Broomjockey]

...You do realize that this has probably actually been written, in some pusnugget corner of the Internets out there...?

Rule of fanfiction: the more wrong, insane and squick-inducing it is, the greater likelihood of its being in existence.

Is that a corollary to rule 34? (There is porn of it. No exceptions)

[Soria]

The retirement home one made me puke in my mouth a little you evil evil cat man.

[Gravekeeper]

Get yourself a uterus and a pair of ovaries. Trust me. You WILL understand immediately.

I don't have the inclination or the money to obtain a pair. I could also tell you terrifying stories about an ex co-worker would did attempt to obtain a pair. Stories that frighten small children and make puppies cry. -.-

The retirement home one made me puke in my mouth a little you evil evil cat man.

Glad to be of service. ;p

Could be worse. Remember I actually had to dispatch someone to go GET this guy off the floor. You could have his job. ><

[blas]

I'll donate mine to research and science.

[Becks]

I could also tell you terrifying stories about an ex co-worker would did attempt to obtain a pair. Stories that frighten small children and make puppies cry. -.-

Well, now I'm curious.

[Sliceanddice]

Well, now I'm curious.

for some reason... now i feel violated... i wanna know too