The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Diot,

Batteries aren't meant to be used in the microwave. In the future, I would suggest using a microwavable mug and all of your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

B. Attery
Manager



Dear Airline Manager,

I was on the plane and about to light up a cigarette. However, the rude flight attendant had the nerve to tell me that I wasn't allowed to smoke on the plane. I am the passenger and if I want to smoke on the plane, then I have every right to. I want the rude flight attendant fired and to be allowed to smoke all I want on the plane or I will undress in my seat and then get up and walk around the plane smoking a cigarette and wearing nothing.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Naturalsmoker

[darkroxas45]

Dear Mrs. Naturalsmoker,
We have those rules about no smoking for the safety and comfort of our passengers. If we allowed you and everyone else to smoke on the plane, people with breathing problems could die as the chances of a properly trained medical person being on the plane could be quite slim. Furthermore we will not be firing the attendant, you are hereby banned from flying with our airline and should you chose to walk around in nothing, at the next stop there will be some nice people there who will give you special limited edition silver bracelets.
signed,
B. Stockman
Lord of the flies airlines CEO



Dear Raccoon City Police,
Where do you get off pulling me over in my sports car and giving me a $500 ticket? I was ashamed when the officer pulled me over and gave me this ticket. Furthermore he had no lower jaw and walked with a limp, why would you hire someone like that? I demand the officer be fired, his severance pay be used for my ticket, and I get a personal police escort when I am in your town.
Signed,
Tiny P. Rick

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Rick,

You were given a ticket for speeding and driving through an empty building. Also, the officer lost his jaw from stopping a robbery so he won't be fired, he'll get to keep all of his money, and the only escort you'll get is to prison if you come back here.

Sincerely,

M. Ask
Raccoon Chief of Police



Dear Daycare Center Owner,

Where do you get off not allowing my 2 year old daughter to share her snacks? I want her to learn to be generous and your staff is ruining it by trying to turn her into a selfish pig. I demand you tell your staff that the children can share their snacks all they want. If you don't, I will go into the staff lounge and replace the water in the coffee machine with vodka.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Generous

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Generous,

We here at Butterfly Wings Daycare would usually encourage generosity, but your toddler was trying to give her snack that contained peanut butter. Unfortunately, the other toddler has a deadly allergy to peanuts. If he had eaten it, we would have had to call paramedics to save his life.

Also, if you want to replace the water in our coffee maker with vodka, we prefer you give us Cloud Vodka. We won't get hungover with that drink.

Sincerely,

Ida English

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Dear Business Computer Solutions, Inc.,

What is the meaning of this? I recently applied to your Public Relations position. I came by your office to find out the status of my interview. That fing rude receptionist, Chanelle, said that I was not going to be interviewed since the position was already fing filled. What kinds of pieces of st do you hire at this motherfing crackerjack operation? I found out that you hired a fing ft nr over me. I can't believe you would hire a ft or a nr over a piece of perfection like me.

I demand that you fire that ft nr from my job. I also demand that you fire all of your fts and nrs, and only hire straight white people from now on. You can also tell that fing bch ct Chanelle that she can go fk her fing self.

Sincerely,

Ray Sist Dick

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Dick

Your mouth was so foul all the toothpaste and mouthwash in the world couldn't clean it, and neither could that gum from outer space that can clean any mouth. She was quite clear that she didn't reveal who was ired for the job, not that any of our employees are your business anyway.

We don't want someone who talks like you as any kind of public relations officer. But we gladly encourage you to go out and work for our competition. Please, with our blessing.

Sincerely,

Justice Rainbow,

Manager of Business Computer Solutions, Inc.,

Dear Duolever,

On the advise of my friend, Karl Les BrandByer, I ran out and spent one hundred dollars on several great big tubs of I Can't Believe It's Not Better for my dinner party. One for each of my guests. Karl is always telling me to buy the most expensive brands because they are the best, and yours was plainly the most costly in the store. But everyone at my dinner party who used your product, including me, found it was disgusting and we all complained that it wasn't worth the price. For that price, it should be the best thing we ever tasted, not the worst.

Now I demand a full refund on all of the tubs, including the tubs each person opened and used, and a billion dollars for the pain and suffering of my humiliation at the party! I also demand that you take your product off the market or put warning labels on it, and that you send me a hundred free tubs. If you refuse, not only am I going back to Parkway's butter, which costs 7 dollars a tub and has a lid that talks, albeit it only says two words, I and my friends will all bombard your comment boards with horrible reviews and tell every consumer protection show we can find just what a shoddy, but overpriced, product you're putting out!

We'll just see what happens to your precious I Can't Believe It's Not Better when I get through with you!

Signed,

Anne Wiesse-Shopper.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Wiesse-Shopper,

Butter is meant to be spread on food or used in cooking; not eaten by itself. You will not get anything from us.

Sincerely,

B. Utter
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I recently came to your store to do some shopping. However, I was offended to see that your employees were on strike. I demand you stop the strike so important customers like me can shop all they want. If you don't, I will go into the store and start a fire in front of the registers.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Shopper

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Dear Miss Wiesse-Shopper,

Butter is meant to be spread on food or used in cooking; not eaten by itself. You will not get anything from us.

Sincerely,

B. Utter
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I recently came to your store to do some shopping. However, I was offended to see that your employees were on strike. I demand you stop the strike so important customers like me can shop all they want. If you don't, I will go into the store and start a fire in front of the registers.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Shopper

Dear Ms. Shopper -

Unfortunately we cannot grant your request - but you're more than welcome to contact the local union and discuss the matter with them. Our hands are tied by this unfortunate situation.

And also your letter has been forwarded to local law enforcement as well as Homeland Security, as you have clearly communicated a threat of violence, which is a crime.

And as an aside: should you decide to take the matter up with the local union who represents our employees, if they retaliate by knocking you out with their picket signs, our company is not liable.

Good Riddance-

R. U Stupid
Store Manager

[Lace Neil Singer]

Since no letter to reply to... will post one to keep the thread going.

Dear Cinema Manager,

I would like to complain about the level of service I received when I went to your cinema to watch a film. The movie I selected was "Die Screaming With Sharp Things In Your Head" and your stupid worker refused to let me bring my four year old daughter Cznoflayke in! I think as a mother I know better than your idiotic staff as to what sort of movie I can take my daughter into. She wouldn't have watched it, anyway; she'd have just had fun running up and down the stairs for two hours straight.

I demand free movie passes for a year and your incompentant staff fired. If you do not comply, I'll see you in court!

Yours, Ms Sue Demall.

[Rizdan]

Dear Ms. Demall,


As the sign posted next to the movies showing said, 'children under 17 not admitted to R rated movies'. If you wish to watch this sort of movie at your own house, that is your business; but here, we do not allow it. Ever. If you have a problem with this being our policy, then I suggest you visit the cinema across town. They do allow children in R rated movies before 7:00. We know full well that your child would have spent the duration of the movie talking loudly, running up and down the aisles, and in many other ways making the other customers' visit go badly. So, for the well being of your child, and the well being of your fellow customers, we are refusing to grant you your request.

Sincerely,
Mo ViePlayer,
owner of Big Mall Cineplex.

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deer managr,

i tried to order me sum pants for the weakli village git together but your meen person kept askin al thes rely hard questons wanting ma nam, adres, postel cod, and i cant remeber the rest of them. all i want r sum purdy pink camo pants to go with my coat, shirt, and hat. I DEMAND THAT U GIVE SEND ME MA PANTS!! you should alredy now that i want them annd not have ta ask for all that stuf. besides, i gave you all that inform stuf last tim i cald. i only cald last yer for ma hat, u shod no ho i am. ples send me ma pants that you have in this here catel thingy that you keep sending me evry month.

singed,
haf nekednfrezing

[darkroxas45]

-------------------------------------


deer managr,

i tried to order me sum pants for the weakli village git together but your meen person kept askin al thes rely hard questons wanting ma nam, adres, postel cod, and i cant remeber the rest of them. all i want r sum purdy pink camo pants to go with my coat, shirt, and hat. I DEMAND THAT U GIVE SEND ME MA PANTS!! you should alredy now that i want them annd not have ta ask for all that stuf. besides, i gave you all that inform stuf last tim i cald. i only cald last yer for ma hat, u shod no ho i am. ples send me ma pants that you have in this here catel thingy that you keep sending me evry month.

singed,
haf nekednfrezing

Dear Mr. Nekednfrezing,
After checking our records, we have no record of your purchase. As such, we do NOT sell Pink Camo pants. We received several complaints from various countries threatening a lawsuit because several thousand people went blind so all pairs not sold along with all recalled purchased pairs were burned. We have removed your address from the mailing list. Have a good day.
Signed,
Cam Opants
P.S. Please present this letter to the local Smears store for 50% off a electronic spell checker.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Train company,
HOW DARE YOU RUN OVER MY CAR WITH YOUR TRAIN WHILE I WAS IN THE HARDWARE STORE?!?!? I only parked my bright fluorescent Pink car on the side of the road by the flashing light gates and when I came out there was a train in the side of my car and then the police presented me with a ticket. I demand you pay my ticket, buy me a new car, fire the incompetent engineer and give me free passenger train tickets to anywhere I want to go or life. If you do not, I will get a lawyer.
Signed,
Rail Kaner

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Kaner,

Parking on the railroad tracks is illegal and the train couldn't stop in time. You will need to pay the ticket and contact your insurance company about replacing your car. We won't be firing the engineer. Your request for free tickets is also denied.

Sincerely,

C. A. Boose
Train Manager



Dear Daycare Manager,

You had no right to fire me! All I did was light up a cigarette in the toddler room because the toddlers were driving me up the wall. I demand you give me my job back and allow me to smoke all I want on the job. If you don't, I will come into the center and put a pack of unwrapped cigarettes in each toy box.

Sincerely,

Virginia Newport

[Seanette]

Ms. Newport:
Not only did two children with asthma require emergency medical care as a result of your blowing smoke directly into their faces, but you set fire to the building AND caused us to lose our license, thereby putting ALL who worked there out of a job. I do hope you enjoy all the court dates you'll have in the near future, since the parents of the aforementioned asthmatic children, several of your former co-workers, and I are all suing you for damages caused by your willful violation of laws regulating childcare facilities, and various insurance companies also want to chat with you about recouping the claims they had to pay as a result of your actions. Then there's the chat the fire department and the police want to have with you about taking your lighter to the curtains.....

In short: there is no job for you to get back, even if I were so stupid and/or insane as to want you anywhere near anyone I'm responsible for. You're going to be too busy for quite some time anyway, with all those legal issues.

Thanks for the laugh, though.

Outa Business, FORMER Daycare Manager

---------------
Dear Thrift Store Manager:
How dare you make me leave my backpack with security? Just because that would be a great way to steal merchandise, and your store does have problems with people who do just that, doesn't give you any right to treat me just like any other customer. Are you too stupid to know that *I'M* too special to have rules apply to me???

And when I do make a purchase, your bratty cashiers need to stop counting my items and just accept what I tell them!!!! Double-checking my count is treating me like a criminal!!!!

E. W. Snoeflayke

[Kristev]

Dear E. W. Snoeflayke,

We expect everyone to leave their backpacks with security. I don't even let my employees bring their purses to work any longer! I don't like thieves of any kind. Anything that takes money out of my pocket without my permission makes me quite irate. And by the way, there's only one person who is special in my store - me! But if you want special rules, you shall have them: From now on, you will be hit with a five dollar surcharge every time you enter my store. Feel special now?

Signed, Penny Miser, owner of Penny Miser's thrift shop.

Dear Mockolates Healthy Candies and Confections,

I ordered the special Diet Chocolate Caramel Fudge, and the Slimational chocolate cake which your company also sells, as a surprise for my girlfriend, Miss Thynne Asa Rayke. I brought it to her house, and presented them to her. She acted insulted, yet she seemed to be trying to hide it. When I yelled and screamed, demanding that she tell me what was wrong with the gift, she said she was allergic to sugar substitutes. So I took my gift back to your store, and they wouldn't accept the refund!

I am furious! I demand that you honor the refunds, you brainless idiots who wouldn't know good chocolate if it kissed you! I want you to give me free products for the rest of my life. I also expect you to pay me a million dollars and give me one of your young girl employees, about age twenty or so, as my new girlfriend as Thynne threw me out of her house and threw the engagement ring at me as soon as I was outside. Someone good and submissive should do. I really hate bossy, determined people who simply must have their own way! Now give me my way, or else I'm going to unleash mice and rodents all over your factory!

Signed, Mr. Knott Knysse.

OOG: Mockolates Healthy Candies & Confections is a deliberate twist of chocolate, or rather, a mockery of chocolate. As a result, it is a company that makes products that have the taste of chocolate, but none of the negative things that come with it. Enjoy.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Knysse,

You should've found out about your girlfriends allergies before you made your purchase. Therefore, you'll receive nothing and the police have been notified about your threat.

Sincerely,

D. I. Etslim
Manager



Dear Detergent Company,

I recently decided to try your soap since a friend recommended it. When I checked the instructions, it said to add one cap full so I filled a baseball cap with your soap. I ended up with suds all over the laundry room which took a long time to clean. I demand you clarify which cap you mean or I will announce on YouTube that you don't clarify what cap to use.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Literal

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Literal,

When we say "cap full," we mean the cap that comes with the bottle. We didn't know that you could fill a baseball cap with liquid detergent. When we tried it, the detergent kept dribbling out the back.

I would advise buying a wet/dry vacuum cleaner in case you have a water incident.

Sincerely,

Pristine Chasity, Customer Relations Officer, Mega & Armor

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Dear Website,

How dare you have a page 69? What kind of smut are you trying to peddle our children? I demand that you remove it immediately.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Uptight