I'm at my wits end...please help :(

[PepperElf]

ah CA - yes that does change some of the options around.

I'd recommend checking out self-defense laws as well to find out what you can and cannot do.

[Andara Bledin]

I would make sure they got to a safe shelter (even if it meant driving all over the place if the abuser tried to follow me - I had dual tanks in my truck so I was pretty much guaranteed to be able to go further than the idiot following me in their car).

In a situation such as this, it's a good idea to know where the local police station is, so that should a violent individual choose to follow, you just drive on into their parking lot. All but the craziest of stalker/psychos will continue the following after that, and those would more likely ram the truck than just follow until they ran out of gas, so it's still a preferred option.

^-.-^

[PepperElf]

In a situation such as this, it's a good idea to know where the local police station is, so that should a violent individual choose to follow, you just drive on into their parking lot. All but the craziest of stalker/psychos will continue the following after that, and those would more likely ram the truck than just follow until they ran out of gas, so it's still a preferred option.

^-.-^

I use to say this too... until I actually tried to get to the local police station after hours. (no emergency just trying to turn in a lost cell). They weren't open. I mean sure there were cops on patrol but the station itself didn't have any open doors and looked kinda deserted.

Plus it turned out to be in part of town that didn't get a lot of traffic.


So... you may be safer going to a 247 store - like walmart - that's well lit and wait for the police inside your vehicle there.

Cos, you're going to be afraid - stressed even - so it'll be easier to run to a place you already know how to get to. And you won't be alone either. You don't even have to get out of the car really. You may in fact be safer in it than out of it.

[Andara Bledin]

Well, there have only been two times that I've done this, and once was during the day. The other time, the local cop shop happened to be the local county sheriff's dispatch center, which is 24/7. Plus, we were on the phone with the police long before we actually reached their doorstep.

^-.-^

[kansasgal]

Go to a crisis center. Call your local Crisis hotline and get to the shelter and then file a restraining order. Tell your lawyer that you need to have supervised visits or that you need to have him pick the child up at a neutral location. If you go to a shelter, call the police and ask them to drive by your house often because of the harassment. This way if he breaks in they may catch it. If you can't get to a crisis center, go to a local emergency shelter. They have 24/7 people and the doors usually lock at a certain time and don't open until the morning. If he comes on center property, those locations have direct lines to the police and the cops respond QUICK!

[Sapphire Silk]

I wouldn't put it past someone like him to try to mentally/physically abuse the child, when he no longer has the ability to do so to the 3 of you.

I don't put it past him to TAKE the kid if the visits are not supervised.

The OP needs a protective order. They can be issued on emergency basis; call a domestic violence or battered women's shelter for help on this.

The suggestion to move out is a good one. The divorce could only escalate things.

Don't buy a gun. Guns are as likely to be used against you if you don't know what you are doing with them.

Jester, Usually your advice is spot on, but if this guy is as nuts as Kisa describes, do you REALLY think THIS is going to work?

SC

Not with just one guy it won't.

Several much larger and scarier guys who are willing to give him a "sample" of what is to come might.

Or might make things worse. Because this fucker doesn't like to lose and doesn't care what he has to do to get his way.

[protege]

Locked doors, locked windows. Security screens on doors and windows. (He WILL break a window to come in, if he finds the doors locked to him.)
New keys, of course.

I was just going to say this as well. Get the locks changed. You might want to have a heavy security door fitted. They run about ~$100 to just over $200 from Home Depot or similar stores. Window bars are also available. Depending on the neighborhood, breaking glass tends to draw a lot more attention than having a door kicked in, so if money is tight, I'd beef up the door first.

[PepperElf]

Window bars are so ugly though. Hurricane shutters can do the same thing - and look nicer! Plus it's impossible to peep through them.

although explaining them in CA might be a bit odd.

[Zapper]

Invest in some Mace. I'm not kidding. If he does force his way in and gets violent, that can stun him until the police arrive. It should take the fight right out of him.

[Seshat]

Window bars are so ugly though. Hurricane shutters can do the same thing - and look nicer! Plus it's impossible to peep through them.

although explaining them in CA might be a bit odd.

There are various security options for windows, at various price points. If you have the money (which Kisa et al probably don't), you can use bulletproof* glass securely attached inside steel or solid hardwood framing, which is itself securely attached to the window frame, which itself gets bolted to the house' framework.
(* or other forms of toughened/secured glass or pseudo-glass.)

Looks like a normal window. Damned hard to get into if it's closed and you don't have the key.

Myself, I like small-paned 'traditional' windows with ironbark or some other incredibly tough hardwood as the framing wood. (ironbark gets its name honestly.)

[Andara Bledin]

although explaining them in CA might be a bit odd.

Just a clarification: I'm the one in CA. Kisa is in MI.

^-.-^

[RootedPhoenix]

*hugs Kisa*

All I have are screamy rants. Just know you're not the only one who's had this happen.

[Kisa]

Locked doors, locked windows. Security screens on doors and windows. (He WILL break a window to come in, if he finds the doors locked to him.)
New keys, of course.

And yes, report his every trespass and harassment to the police, as well as keeping a record of it yourselves.

I don't doubt that for a second... We changed the deadbolts after he left and the windows are always locked. The three of us sat down and agreed to call the cops every time he tries something. From now on, no one has contact with him without a witness nearby.

Make sure his name is off of any and all utility bills, change the locks, secure the windows, and change phone numbers. If the house is a rental - give notice and move without leaving him a forwarding addresses. Have any communication about the child they share go through a lawyer or another third party.
Here's the thing - he KNOWS you folks are afraid of him and is using that to his advantage.

His name is off all but the morgage which we have to wait until the divorce to change. And yes, he knows... Fear is the only thing he has left as ammunition.

First. This is incredibly worrisome. Frankly staying alive is your first priority. It comes before keeping the house or any other consideration.
Please take care of yourself.

We're struggling, but managing...We'll make it through this.

When someone knocks on the door, start asking who it is before you open the door. It prevents him from shoving in if the door is closed and locked.

We have a rather large picture window that lets us see the front door.

Something else you might want to consider is having your mother seek SUPERVISED visitation for the child.

I'm still trying to convince her to do this.

Oh, good lord. Daddy Dearest. I hate guys like this.

First things first; everything starts with your mother. SHE needs to reapply for the restraining order.... And SHE needs to have the fucking locks changed. If she is not willing to do these things, she is enabling this jackass to torture and harass all three of you. I hope for your sake she IS willing to step up and stop letting him push you all around.
...feel absolutely free to PM me.

I went with her a few days ago to reapply. It is being taken to court next week, and he was served with the papers today. The locks have been changed and we are in the process of moving all his belongings into the garage so he won't have any excuse to come in the house.

Kisa, I hope to fuck that your mother never decides to take this fucktard back in order to try to make things better. Trust me - they will NEVER get better because he will feel that he's won and that everybody is too afraid of him to try again. And you know what? He'll be right. Your mother needs to make sure that this excuse for a man cannot get back into the house - I've already listed out what should be done to keep him out and away in a previous post. It's her choice and I hope to hell she makes the right one.

She will not take him back. He is showing his crazy, manipulative, sociopathic true colors and she has my sister and I to help her stay strong in her decisions.

I don't put it past him to TAKE the kid if the visits are not supervised.
Don't buy a gun. Guns are as likely to be used against you if you don't know what you are doing with them.
Or might make things worse. Because this fucker doesn't like to lose and doesn't care what he has to do to get his way.

Neither would I...
We have three guns in the house...they were my Grandpa's. I can't use them, but they are locked up safe where he can't find them even if he does get in...
In the past, he has lied countless times, cheated, stold many things, and more. He will do anything in his power to pummel people into submission. We just have to get someone bigger and more powerful to make the risk greater than the reward. A.K.A the police.

Depending on the neighborhood, breaking glass tends to draw a lot more attention than having a door kicked in, so if money is tight, I'd beef up the door first.

We live in a quiet community with a top notch police force. There's a cop at every corner and then some. I don't doubt that him breaking in would have police there in a heartbeat.

*hugs Kisa*

All I have are screamy rants. Just know you're not the only one who's had this happen.

It's good to know I'm not alone in this. I'm trying to be the strong one in this situation and keep everyone focused and calm, but I'm just as scared as they are...

[Kisa]

The Friend of the Court meeting was a few days ago. Boy was that fun. I went with my mom and sat between them like a referee, making sure he didn't step over the line. Mom told him she was filing a PPO and is moving his stuff out of the house which seems to have scared him into retreating...for now. In the office, he lied his little heart out. When the clerk asked for each of them to say seperately what they want for visitation, Steve blurted out that the two of them agreed on 50-50 custody.

Mom: Um, no we didn't.
Guy: Well, Steve, you tell me what you want, and then Kisa's Mom will tell me what she wants. I take both opinions and my information and give my recommendation for the final court date. So, Steve, what do you want?
S: 50-50.
G: How would you like that? One week with you, one week with Mom?
S: Oh I can't do that! I have a job!
(and then they went back and forth with G making suggestions of how to divide 50-50 and Steve shooting it down because he has a job)
S: Well, I'm so unprepared for this! My wife just kicked me out and I'm trying to get my life in order!
Mom: Yeah, I just kicked you out 4 months ago.
S: Oh, and we agreed that our son will come live with me when he's 13.
Mom: Um, no we didn't.
S: Well! I thought I knew you but I guess I didn't! Here you go changing your mind all over again!!!

So, yep. Fun, fun, fun. He got served his paperwork today and we now have all his stuff in the garage save for a few pieces of furniture. For now, he's stopped calling and texting and now stays in his car when dropping off/picking up my brother. It won't last, but I hope it lasts at least until the court hearing on the 19th...
Thank you all for your help and support. I feel better knowing I have a whole group of people looking out for me. I love you guys

[yeahwhatev]

One idea is to find out what the wire-tapping laws are in your area and record all contact. He's just proven that he is willing to lie and bad at it. If you have immediate proof of lies, he gets shut down.