Saying goodbye.

[Amethyst Hunter]

I haven't been on here much anymore. Long story. For those of you who I corresponded with, it was nice to have talked - albeit online - with you.

I wanted to say goodbye for good. I wish you all well.

If I have only one piece of advice that I would give, it's this: Do what you really want to do, while you still can do it, no matter how crazy or pie-in-the-sky it seems. Don't listen to other people that try to shoot you down. I think that's my biggest regret in life. I never did what I really wanted, and now I never will get to. And stand up for yourself, too, if you get bullied. I never did, and my entire life was affected for the worse because of it.

Don't be like me. Don't let other people push you around and control your life and punish you because you don't fit some "correct" life script. My life is a waste because I spent too much time doing what I thought I was supposed to do and what others wanted me to do.

But since I'm about to lose everything, in a way, I guess I don't really care anymore. I'm too tired to fight on and this was the final blow that did it. At some point, you have to ask yourself, is it worth it to get back up again. For what? To struggle some more? To get kicked in the face some more? For me, it's not worth it anymore. I have officially reached my ending point.

(And no, I don't mean suicide. I have things to do before I die.)

Take care, everyone.

[Rapscallion]

We'll be here when you come back. If you ever think you won't be missed, think again.

Rapscallion

[Greenday]

Another CS old-timer going away. I may not post here a lot but I still remember you from when I was more active years ago. Still sad to see you go. You'll always be welcome back.

[Aethian]

A bunch of us I know would offer up phone numbers if you ever want to vent. Me being one of them.

[Antisocial_Worker]

A bunch of us I know would offer up phone numbers if you ever want to vent. Me being one of them.

Likewise. I'm definitely another one.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Amethyst, you've been around here about as long as I have. Please, if you can, stay in touch.

Feel free to PM me and I'll give you my phone and FB info if you feel like you need a shoulder.

[Der Cute]

Take care of yourself - and I mean eat healthy, exercise your brain. Honestly, those there will help your brain function better, and hopefully help your choices.
Stay safe, you are NOT alone in this world. Even when you feel like it and think "who the hell loves ME?" there is SOMEONE you don't think of, who does love you.

Adventure, journey, new road..what ever you call it, good luck.

[tropicsgoddess]

Don't give up! It can take a while but in the end it's worth it to keep fighting the good fight.

[Mikkel]

Good luck. You will be missed.

[Amethyst Hunter]

Stay safe, you are NOT alone in this world. Even when you feel like it and think "who the hell loves ME?" there is SOMEONE you don't think of, who does love you.

It's not a matter of "who the hell loves ME?". It's more like "What's the point?" Because sometimes - a lot of times - I kind of WANT to die. Not so much in the sense of jumping off a bridge, but more like just waiting for the implosion. (Besides, I'm too chicken to actually do anything.) Partly because I just don't know what else to do. My options are extremely limited. This isn't a recent thing either; I've had these feelings off and on for over 10 years. It's just that now, I'm coherent enough to grasp them in more concrete terms, rather than an abstract sensation of "something isn't right here."

Ironically, it was chickenshittedness that (mostly) made me screw up. I have done just about everything wrong (on a small scale, that is - I'm thankful to have avoided the REALLY serious mistakes of life like drugs and all that) that one can do to make a mess of life and I'm at the point now where bouncing back is more like snapping an already-frayed rubber band that's getting old and crumbly. So I'm honestly questioning whether it's worth it to stay for more of the same, or go down to a very ignoble defeat (which is entirely possible, considering my situation). If defeat was inevitable I'd prefer to have some semblance of control over it, at least. I pretty much have no purpose (other than, perhaps, to serve as a warning to others) and I prefer not to be any more of a burden than I already am; my faults outweigh my better parts by this point and I'm unable, even unwilling, to adequately cope with them. (It's interesting how freeing that admission is.)

Anyway, I have health issues that will probably get me long before the mental ones do.

So, in short: I has FAIL at life. Disappointing, but I'm slowly coming around to that.

[morgana]

Amethyst, I can't do much to help except to say this:

I have been in your shoes. I know exactly how you feel. Yeah, I know you don't believe that, but I do. I too have made the wrong decisions, been dissuaded from my proper path; I too 'has fail at life'.

I'm 61 years old; I have never been the writer, artist, designer I was meant to be. I'm crippled, old and sad.

And I too have thought, long and hard, about walking away from everything. Giving up. Even about ending my life. I have come very close at times.

But I won't. I can't. I watched the outpouring of love and pain over Plaidman's death, and I can't do that. Even when *I* don't love me, there are people who do. People who would be deeply hurt if I gave up.

You must make the choices you feel are right for you, but I hope and pray that Raps is right and that you'll come back to us eventually. There are good people here, who will worry and pray for you, and be waiting with open arms.

You don't 'has fail at life.' You has us.

Come back. We'll be here. And until then, fare you well.

[Gizmo]

This thread is all the more worrying due to the implosion of a friend with a similar name to your username and similar circumstances (but I can tell it isn't you, just a co-incidence).

I wish I had something better to say than try to find some way to stop considering everything as a 'failure' and a 'lack of purpose/reason'.

Easy to say, hard to do. I don't know you well enough to suggest what you can work on and do but I know an automatic sense of defeat is what has really caused my friend to not be able to move on and resulted in their current situation (they are currently in forced lockdown).

[Amethyst Hunter]

I'm 61 years old

61? Huh, for some reason I always thought that you were like me, in your 30s/40s.

I have come very close at times.

Same here, although, like I said, I've never actually attempted anything because I'm too cowardly and dislike pain. But I do have what should be a fairly painless plan should it ever come to that: I know exactly how I'm going to do it. Most likely, I won't though. But it's comforting in a weird way to have that plan in the back of my head. If you've ever seen the Family Guy episode where Brian and Stewie are locked inside a bank vault, that pretty much sums it up for me. (The feeling, not the plan itself.)

I watched the outpouring of love and pain over Plaidman's death, and I can't do that.

I'm no Plaidman. Nor am I a Jester, or a Gravekeeper, or a Kara or anybody else. I don't delude myself into thinking that anybody on this site would really be all that broke up about me if I were to intentionally buck the kicket. I just wanted to let some of 'em know that I appreciated the brief interactions. Sort of a thing I have - I hate to leave loose ends and I've always thought I ought to at least let people know that I hold them in good regard.

You don't 'has fail at life.'

By about 98% of standard population's estimate, I am. I know they say not to compare yourself with others, but when you're so far behind in almost every way that it's not even funny, well, it's safe to say that I'm not exactly the poster child for success. (Unless you consider that in relation to "sucking at stuff.")

Of course, I'm getting to the point where I just don't give a shit anymore. Too tiring. Apathy, I has plenty of that too.

In any case, I am more or less drifting for the time being. Which seems to be my default state, so I figure, why fight it? It seems to get worse when I struggle, so passive resistance appears to be the way to go for now. Tread water and all that.

[Mikkel]

I'm no Plaidman. Nor am I a Jester, or a Gravekeeper, or a Kara or anybody else.

No, but you are still part of this site. I still wonder what happened to Kusanagi and Goldaries13 and many others. I will also miss not hearing from you once in a while.

By about 98% of standard population's estimate, I am. I know they say not to compare yourself with others, but when you're so far behind in almost every way that it's not even funny, well, it's safe to say that I'm not exactly the poster child for success. (Unless you consider that in relation to "sucking at stuff.")

You played the cards that was dealt. If you have had more difficulties and bad luck than 99% of the population, then it isn't surprising that your successes are smaller.
How do you measure success? If it is being reasonably happy, I am a success. Measured in health, status or money earned, I am not .

[AccountingDrone]

No, but you are still part of this site. I still wonder what happened to Kusanagi and Goldaries13 and many others. I will also miss not hearing from you once in a while.
.

Kusanagi's last posts were in november 2009 - about his van and his grandmother.

That is a *long* time to go missing. Anybody know what city he was living in? I remember him mentioning that he occasionally parked at his fathers to top off his batteries, and he bathed at his gym. Anybody spot a white van lurking in light industrial areas?

I know it seems silly to many people to care about people one has never actually met other than talk with online, but the internet has opened up a new form of community.