A canonical list of SCs

[Tieber]

The Time Traveler: this individual will order his meal, then 15 minutes later to rest of us non-time travelers he states that his meal has taken 45 minutes and that he is getting impatient.

The Investor: In the store which I currently work at these customers are everywhere. According to the other employees who have worked elsewhere in the state/country these people are by far more plentiful at my location than anywhere else. These people will spend a little bit of money then expect everything after that for free. The investor will buy 2 laptops and a plasma TV then bring in a computer he got years ago from an online source and expect us to format his hard drive for him... when he is told that it is $60 he slams his pos laptop shut, gives the associate a tongue lashing for not know how important he is then stomps off.

The Newbie: Buys a $300 POS generic computer, refuses in-home setup/training (for a fee of course) then expects an associate to walk him through using his POS product for free while waving the threat of return over everyone's head. Once the return is complete he will then proceed to tell the associates how he will tell everyone not to shop at ****** *****.

The Politician: Will state that policies have changed since his last visit and he should be allowed to have those old policies (which never existed) grandfathered to him.

[SadisticToaster]

The Time Traveler: this individual will order his meal, then 15 minutes later to rest of us non-time travelers he states that his meal has taken 45 minutes and that he is getting impatient.

Ah yes , I have . . . experienced one of these : who complained rather louldly that she'd been waiting to be served for over 20 minutes. I asked her if she was sure it had been that long - as that was a long time to wait to be served : she confirmed that this was the case : at which point I pointed out to her that the store had been open for less then 10 minures.


The Mumbler : The person who can - seemingly - only communicate via semi-audible mumbles.

"Hey , how can I help"
"mumble , mumble , mumble"
"I'm sorry . . . ?"
"mumble , mumble , mumble"
"Didn't quite catch that"
"mumble , mumble , . . . rettes"
"Ah ha : cigarettes : which kind would you like?"
"mumble , mumble , mumble"
*sigh* , "Ok stamp your foot once for a pack of 10 , or twice for a pack of 20" ( well , almost )

[xx-altair-xx]

Mr/Mrs. "Cant take a subtle hint to get the fark out": nuff said!

The Ditcher: Walks to your line with a cart of groceries, LEAVES IT THERE! then walks off to continue shoping.

*EDIT - Unnecessarily rude comment removed.

The Coupon Nazi: EVERY COUPON MUST WORK (OR ELSE!) "but [insert title here], every item has been couponed! (exageration, but you get the idea)"

The Bag Nazi: everything HAS to be in a bag. oh, and MILK JUGS HAVE HANDLES FOR A REASON!

[Estil]

Some more colorful vocabulary (as a grocery cashier, and in the first two cases, we have a ELMS score that we're rated on and the first two kinds of customers do hurt that score, even though it's in no way our fault):

Change diggers: People who spend several minutes digging through and counting up their change (and probably causing the others in line to wait even longer), and THEN decide to just give you a $20.

Check crawlers: People who veeeeerrrrryyyyyy slooooooowlyyyyyy write their checks (we have check printing service)

Price vultures: People who pay really close attention to what's being rung up, says about every other item, "I thought that was supposed to be such-and-such". Which most of the time that happens, it turns out they either picked out a brand/quanity that's clearly NOT on sale or just assumed everything under a huge yellow sale tag was that price.

[DannyboyO1]

Drama Major: Whatever the situation, whatever minor glitch has come up, this customer insists on describing it the way movie trailers pretend the latest drivel is the end-all be-all. Typically resentful when their ranting is interrupted when you tell them you fixed the problem about three paragraphs into their epic story of struggling with your company.

Wrong number fetish: This eternal favorite of a call center is quickly known by ALL the female employees, but hangs up on men. Uses your business as a cheap alternative to phone sex. Generally possesses a mysterious vocal quality that leaves the earpiece and half the cubicle tangibly greasy. These guys are THAT slimy.

Polygraph Unplugged: May be identified by the mating cry of "Are you calling me a liar?" After all, it is vitally important that you be impugning their veracity... and not, say, implying they are forgetful, misinformed, or congenitally unintelligent. I suppose it's alright for you to call them an idiot, just so long as you aren't calling them a liar.

Antonymical: I just had this the once. Elderly lady. After insisting I ring up her items in the order she set them down, was stymied by the payment choice. She held up a card. "Debit, or Credit?" Nonplussed. "If I ring it as Debit, you have to put in your PIN. If I do Credit, you sign." "Debit then." We run it. "Now I do NOT type anything in." Groan. I back out the transaction. "Ok you'll have to run it again now." After signing, she grumbled an unforgettable phrase. "When will you people learn that Debit means Credit." Probably never worked accounting.

[shuzuko]

Aha, I have to admit that I do fall into the category of "The Singer" every once in a while- I'm a vocalist and sometimes cannot keep from humming or singing softly. I'd like to say that it's not too bad, seeing as I've had vocal coaching, but thinking about it now I bet it does get a little annoying. Oh well- at least my boss doesn't mind when I sing along with the radio XD

I Know All There Is To Know: This person either knows exactly what you stock and tells you where it is (when it clearly isn't there), knows exactly when such-and-such product is coming out (when it isn't due out for another few months), or knows everything about everything you stock and attempts to talk over you when you are explaining something to another customer. My boss likes to call security on these people and have them removed for loitering- they quite frequently attempt to stay around for multiple hours without buying or doing anything.

My Opinion Matters: This person will wander around the store, loudly stating their opinion like everyone should care. They often spout incorrect 'facts' and then argue loudly when corrected. The worst of these are the 13 and 14 year olds who are just coming into their sense of self and have a highly inflated ideal of their importance. Almost as bad are the unwashed, pizza-faced geeks who think that they can run the store better than the managers.

I Don't Think I Like It: Frequently pre-teen boys who don't feel like cleaning up after themselves. They pull a product out, look it over for ten seconds, and the toss it wherever they feel like tossing it. Also happens frequently with middle-aged women toting several single-digit-aged children. This of course leaves the low man on the totem pole to clean up after them- I often find Nintendo DS games sitting on the used DVD racks.

Sticky Fingers: Much like The Cat that someone brought up earlier, this customer will touch everything they can get their hands on- except their hands are always covered with some sort of icky, nasty substance that leaves a disgusting residue on everything. It's especially bad when they decide they want to test one of the demo products and the controllers for every single one of our floor systems is then covered in muck.


And this isn't a customer, but certainly someone that annoys me to no end:
The Lazy Employee That Everyone Wants to Kill, But No One Can Figure Out Who It Is: The employee that discreetly puts all new products at the end of the bottom shelf, rather than putting them whatever order they're supposed to be in. We can never figure out who it is, but at least once a week someone has to re-alphabetize every single section because we find everything from Q to M to A at the end of the alphabet.

[Tithera]

The (coffee nazi) : The one, lonely customer or a whole group that get's angry if their (coffee) cups aren't filled, even though another waitress had just came around not even a minute before and had asked whether they wanted more, to which they said, no.

The light tipper: the person who is bossy, usually sits alone in a corner of the resturant that is hard to see, complains the food sucks but eats everything, expects you to wait on them, even though you have 3 other tables to wait as well, then tips you only 50 or 75 cents U.S and leaves a huge mess at the table.

The repeat offender: the person who comes in, sits at the same table, orders the same thing, and complains about the same thing that is wrong with the food, even though they told you to make it like that. OR the person who comes in every saturday and tries to pay with a credit card everytime, even though they are told each time, no we do not take credit cards and gets pissy and takes out an insane amount of ones U.S and expect you to count it.

The spotlessly clean: the person who complains that the dishes and silverware are dirty, even though you personally hand washed them BEFORE they went into the dishwasher. And then complains the table is dirty, even though you just cleaned it, twice before they got there.

The penny ladies: the old ladies who have a ton of dollar bills and other change, but insist that they tip you in pennies, perfectly stacked at the end of the table.

The redoer: the person who keeps changing their mind on what they want, but then they go with what they originally wanted and get pissed if you asked what exactly that was again.

Newbie Hater: They are regulars, but being new, I don't know that, so when I hand them menus and ask what they want to drink, they say, " our regular" then get pissed off when I ask what that is.

Me: I'm sorry, I am new here.
NH: Well, that shouldn't matter. Mark should be able to tell you then.
Me: (mark is the owner by the way) Well, Mark only comes in on weekends (it was my first week day working.)
NH: *sighs angerily and tells me in angered tones exactly what they want) These people eventually became nicer to me once I began recognizing them, but that first day, I did not get tipped very well.

[Shironu-Akaineko]

Desperately seeking a restroom with infantile syndrome: Same as Desperately seeking a restroom but if said restroom is too far to their taste, will grab their crotch and whine as loudly as possible "THAT'S TOO FAR I'LL PISS ON THE FLOOR!" (To which I replied "I'll call a mop boy when you're done, ma'am.")

The diagonal shopper: SCs that likes to stick their baskets diagonally in an aisle while browsing. They will block the entire aisle and are often female and appear to be deaf and blind. They will not see or hear you coming until you bump into them. ON PURPOSE because they didn't hear you scream excuse me ma'am.
(*EDITED to seem a little less general and harsh of the females of the species. ~Ree)

The "return to the nest" shopper: Will dump their cart at a random place and go fetch items from different aisle, coming back to the cart each time. Most often leaves their purse unatended or very small infant babies. Related to the diagonal shopper as they will dump their basket at the most inconvenient place they can find.

The blocking Shopper: Related to the I-haven't-seen-you-since-christmas, these SCs will actually block the entrance to your department to have their little chat and get irritated at YOU for coming and going between them.

The "look the other way": Shops at Flash speed, driving their basket in one direction while looking in the opposite way. Acts surprised when they bump into you. Rare ones blame YOU.

The cake banger: SCs' kids that likes to bang on the cakes because they like the sound. Some even sit on them.

The "Teach you how to steal like an idiot": Gives fruits to hungry kids and pipes up "Oh and they ate an apple each" once at the register. IT DUN WORK THAT WAY LADY!

I apologize if there's any repeats, but this is therapeutic.

[TwoScoopsSciath]

The Temporary Illiterati- Acts like hot you-know-what, then insists they can't read the signs/the menu. Example:

Me: *rings up salad* That'll be $4.50.
TL: But that sign over it said $4.00!
Me: Yes, but as the main menu says, prices are subject to change.
TL: Then when didn't you change the sign, you stupid girl! I'm faculty, you know! I'll report this to the dean!

Way to impress a girl, lady.

Casanova Dynamite- related to previous, but attempts to charm you into breaking company policy or giving them free product. Is thouroughly convinced they are irresistable to even the most chaste of humans. Example:

CD: Heeeey, baby!
Me: Hello, sir! How can help you? (...Ew?)
CD: That polo shirt looks hot on you.
Me: I'd hope so, sir. It's the uniform.
CD: How's about some free food?
Me: Sorry, sir, I can't do that.
CD: C'mon, baby, pleeeease. What's your name/phone #/sign?'

Ad infinitum...

[Shironu-Akaineko]

Casanova Dynamite- related to previous, but attempts to charm you into breaking company policy or giving them free product. Is thouroughly convinced they are irresistable to even the most chaste of humans. Example:

CD: Heeeey, baby!
Me: Hello, sir! How can help you? (...Ew?)
CD: That polo shirt looks hot on you.
Me: I'd hope so, sir. It's the uniform.
CD: How's about some free food?
Me: Sorry, sir, I can't do that.
CD: C'mon, baby, pleeeease. What's your name/phone #/sign?'

Ad infinitum...

Got one of those asking for custom bread recipe just for hiiiiiiiiim with bedroom eyes. Cuz I'm attracted to unbathed beanpoles with wool tuques.

[Estil]

Forgot this one:

Backloader: A customer who unloads their groceries from the VERY BACK of the long checklane, which means I have to reach really far to get the items and scan them in a reasonable time for my ELMS score. Of course, I can USUALLY ask the customer if they could move their cart closer to the front I can reach in and help them (yes, I do have that good a reach ).

[Strikesfirmly]

Ok, offpaw..

The Restroom Seeker: "May I use your restroom?" Sorry, we don't have a public restroom. "Didn't you used to have public restrooms?" Yes, but they got remodeled to put in the electronics store. "Can I use the employee restroom?" No. And before you ask, that is a boss policy. "Can you make an exception just this once?" Sorry, the employee restroom is only reached through a narrow storage area back behind extra shelving and it is hazardous to get to. Not to mention I just told you I don't make policy here. "It can't be that bad. I'll be careful." Hell, I've been jumped by hostile shelving myself on a fairly frequent basis. Besides, the boss would kill any of us if there was a lawsuit. And I don't think I'd like to work for you anyways if you were awarded the store. "I really need to go." There are restrooms in the store next door. "I can't wait that long!" Funny, how much time did you just spend arguing with me?

The Hostile Restroom Seeker: "May I use your restroom?" Sorry, we don't have a public restroom. "I really need to go. And I am not happy that your store does not have public restrooms for use when people such as myself are in need. Neither I nor any of my family and friends will ever do business here." Yet you managed to walk all the way to the middle of the store in such dire straits. And this also seems to be the first time you've ever been in here, so how are we losing your business if you only came in to use the restroom? And maybe you'd change your mind if you had been cleaning them while they were public...

Ya Know?: *Possible extreme danger of impalement by this SC's fluttering hands used unpredictably while talking.* "I have X maybe connected to Y possibly using Z, somewhat similar to A or Q, but also with that other thing I think is called N. Ya know?" Sorry Sir/Ma'am, I've never been to your home. You're actually going to have to give me some kind of useful information before I can assess what you currently have and make a recommendation to either fix, replace, or add on to A, N, Q, X, Y, or Z. I also notice you haven't said yet what you actually need to do.

I Don't Speak Spanish: "I'm not sure how my new ____ works. Can you tell me how to do everything?" Did you already lose your your manual? I'm surprised every single company in the world hasn't gotten smart and made manuals available only through request. So few people actually read them, just imagine the savings instead of including them with every new item!

How Much Is It?: "How much is Y, which I got from just above/below that yellow & white shelf/hook sticker with the big black numbers?" Heh. "Is it really that price?" Yes. "Would you check?" I'm obligated to do so now that you've asked, and with a smile no less. Did you happen to notice the newfangled barcode scanners, so we don't need to mark every individual item, up to several hundred of them in a single 4 foot section?

The Third Party: "X sent me here for ____, but I'm not sure what he/she/they actually need. Can you help me?" Sob. *Variation* - "Can you read this stained, hastily scrawled, and chewed by rabid flying foxes list of items I've been sent to get? I have no idea what any of it is or needed for, and I'm not sure he/she/they know either." Double sob. *Rare variation* - "Can I use your phone to make sure what they need?" Bless your heart. Let me dial for you. "He/she/they said to get Y, and only Y." Er, we have X which does/is the exact same thing. "No, I'm not sure what it is but I know that won't work. I'll try someplace else." !@#$%^. I hope that wasn't a long distance call.

Not Marked For That!: "The price on shelf tag/item is different. I want the lower price. You have to give it to me. It's your fault that tag didn't get changed, not mine." I'd like the store to make a profit and possibly be able to collect a paycheck for providing you with service, but lets not concern ourselves with that shall we. I need to speed you on your way in your newer Mercedes/SUV/sedan.

I Want The Sale Price Now: "You put out this item that is an upcoming flyer I already got in the mail. Can I get the sale price now?" No, we can't. "I should make you, the law will back me up. Why did you put it out if you weren't going to honor the flyer?" We don't work overtime or after hours here. Believe it or not some people like to see new items and ponder buying them. Furthermore, no one is forcing you to buy X today at full price, instead of a week or month from now on sale, the dates of which appear several times in that flyer you already received. "How about I buy the item, then return it the day the sale starts, and buy it again at the lower price and get my money back?" I think that might possibly be illegal. If not, damn sure unethical and spiteful. If you weren't a regular customer, and I didn't need my wage slave job, I'd really tell you how sick you make me. Wish I owned a business like you do, so I could be cheap.

They Said I Needed To Pay For This Back Here. And I Already Walked All The Way Up Front!: "Why can't I just pay for everything all at once?" This is actually a separate store with our own inventory and bookkeeping. Not to mention that I did try to tell you that as you made your selection and walked away. Right after I got done ringing up three other customers...back here...while you were browsing back here.

I Have To Stand In Line At Another Register?!: "What do you mean you can't deactivate the SensorMatic security strips back here? I'm not going to wait in line up front just to have my purchases deactivated!" Sorry, but we lost over $3,000 last year in shoplifted items even with the security strips and cameras. But if you cared to donate about $4,500 for a mobile deactivator?

The Ping-Ponger: Goes to every employee in the store asking the same questions apparently until they get an answer in tune with their reality or that they can comprehend. Conversations with this type of SC frequently enter realms of fantastic hypothetical situations followed by loud comments of "But your coworker said ___ not ___?!"

The Short-Cutter: "I have X sticking out of Y. How do I hook up Z without using what I should be using or spending anything over -insert absurdly low amount here-" Well, looks like an hour worth of explanations and item hunting followed by a cussing out for the SC having to spend more than he/she/they counted on spending. Sigh. Wonder who the SC will blame if the building inspector catches them? Who the heck built this persons home that bass ackwards anyway?

[MMATM]

I apologize if these particular SC's have been mentioned (perhaps under another name) but I didn't see them upon reading, so here goes:

The Heckler: (Especially applies to entertainment jobs e.g. clown, performer, magician, "character", mascot, etc.) Usually not one of the intended audience (e.g. young kids for a magician or "character"), will converse with the character or other poor sap about inappropriate topics. For example, a heckler will point out how a magic trick is done, usually right about the time the magician is doing the trick. Or, a heckler may try to engage a "character" (person in a suit, like a mascot) in conversation about something that has nothing to do with their character. In rare cases, hecklers will point out that the character is nothing more than a person in a suit. Extreme situations can involve the heckler actively trying to get a rise out of the performer.

The Talker-for-Two: Similar to the Heckler, but instead tries to engage characters and/or mascots in conversation about the character they are playing. Especially annoying with mascots and characters that do not speak. They will ask a question or make a statement, and all the unfortunate character can do is to nod or shake their head, or gesture. This is for the wannabe-hecklers, as it is essentially like hunting harmless animals. The character can try to get away or avoid the T-f-T, but that is their only recourse.

The Tip Lifter: The SC for whom I have the most contempt. These "clever" db's will wait until they see a table get up to go after leaving money for a tip (especially easy on credit card payments, though it is not unheard of for lifters to take an entire cash payment off the table). They then will go to "use the facilities" and cruise past the loaded table, deftly picking the cash up as they go by. A good deterrent for the payers is to place the cash inside the book with the receipt, along with the tip. For eateries that do not feature the book system, leave cash underneath something large-ish on the table, such as a full glass or the salt-and-pepper holder. Make it visible, but not an easy yank away.
ALSO:
The Jar Diver: Variant on the Tip Lifter. These specimens will pretend to leave a tip (usually a one dollar bill) and put their hand in the jar to do so. While they are down there, they will grab as much cash as possible. This sort of thing can also be applied to beggars with cups or cans, especially the blind. See the movie "Half Baked" for a demonstration of jar diving.

[The Distorted Kwi]

Let me toss a few more into the pot... my current job in a tourist destination uses a lot of different types of discount vouchers. Hence...

The Multi-Discount Discounter: This SC comes armed with a handful of discount coupons, all for the same item, and expects you to apply each and every discount. Unable to comphrehend why you can't offer them a 10%, 20%, 30% and student discount on one ticket/item. (My stock response is usually 'If I took all those, I'd owe you money!")

The Failed Mathematician: Stares at his 10% and 30% vouchers. Asks cashier "Which one would be cheaper?"

The Time-Lapse-r: Buys ticket. Pays full price. Takes three steps away from counter. Remembers discount coupon in pocket. Expects huge line to wait while we refund their credit card 2 bucks.

Mr/Ms "Oops": Leaves coupon in hotel room/at home/other pants/a tiny taverna in Barcelona. Still wants the discounted price.

Mr "No Discounts?" Asks standard price. Gets told price. Asks "No discounts?". No, because if the price was discounted, that would be the NEW standard price, which i would have told you. And this conversation would have become a Mobious Strip.

The Bulk Buyer: Places three plastic keyrings on your counter. Asks for a discount because they're buying "a lot" of keyrings. I'm always tempted to take them out to the storeroom and re-define "A lot" of keyrings for them.

[Chroias]

You are so on the money here hun!