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Things that always happen in movies.
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Old 07-28-2009, 06:13 PM
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Default Things that always happen in movies.

Things that only happen in movies....


It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.


When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.


Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.


Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.


Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.


If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.


All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.


Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.


Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.


The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.


Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).


Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).


If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.


On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…


All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).


Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).


If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.


If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.


Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.


All single women have a cat.


Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.


No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.


If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.


The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.


You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.


Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.


A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.


It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.


One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone’s Law).


When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.


Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.


Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.


All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.


Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.


During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.


You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.


Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.


In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.


All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties).


Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

When someone steals a car, the drivers seat is always in the correct position.

One person, generally the hero, has the Daredevilesque ability to hear faint talking in the background of audio recordings that no one else initally hears. He alerts the others to this by saying, “Wait. What was that? Go back.”

Important news on TV is always slightly too quiet, prompting the main character to turn up the volume.

When about to have sex, clothes melt seamlessly off bodies. No one ever needs to sit down and take off shoes and socks.
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Old 07-28-2009, 09:13 PM
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The above list is not complete without

The Horror Movie Character's Survival Guide

When it seems that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take anything from the dead.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
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Gamer Version
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Old 08-02-2009, 04:02 AM
Geekus Rex Geekus Rex is offline
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Default Gamer Version

Wasn't sure if I should start a new thread for this, but here's the version for the gamers out there:

Time only passes when you sleep at the inn

Plumbers wear indestructible boots

... and also have a 40' vertical

... and get bigger when eating mushrooms

... and can throw fireballs after eating flowers

Wind only pushes if there is rain or snow to show the direction

Death is only permanent if it advances the story

PETA doesn't seem to notice the masses of cuddly monster corpses you leave behind... of course, said corpses are never visible after the battle

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Old 08-08-2009, 06:36 PM
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This one from TV and always bugs me:

When talking on a telophone you must cover the mouthpiece of the receiver.

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Old 08-14-2009, 01:05 AM
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Quote:
Quoth gremcint View Post
This one from TV and always bugs me:

When talking on a telophone you must cover the mouthpiece of the receiver.

And you always dial a number that starts with 555.
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Old 08-19-2009, 04:54 PM
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If the hero gets shot, it will be in the shoulder. He will not get anywhere life-threatening. He will not get hit in the leg, so he can't walk. He will get hit in the shoulder, so he can still be a hero and save the day.
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Old 08-19-2009, 07:06 PM
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If the hero's buddy/woman/dog is shot by a pursuing bad guy and is about to die, the bad guy's gun will always jam so the death monologue can commence. They will repeatedly hit the gun on the side swearing. When the death monologue is concluded, the hero goes over and clocks the bad guy, picks up the jammed gun, pulls once on the charging handle and starts spraying bullets.
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Old 08-20-2009, 06:01 AM
TheSHAD0W TheSHAD0W is offline
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Reading this reminded me of one episode of the A-Team...

The A-Team are attacked by bad guys who are flying overhead in a helicopter. The good guys of course respond by shooting at the helicopter.

The helicopter explodes in midair. It then slews sideways into a hillside and explodes again. The wreckage rolls down the hillside, hits the ground, and explodes yet a third time.

Then the injured bad guys start climbing out...

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Old 08-20-2009, 04:01 PM
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Quote:
Quoth cinema guy View Post
If the hero gets shot, it will be in the shoulder. He will not get anywhere life-threatening. He will not get hit in the leg, so he can't walk. He will get hit in the shoulder, so he can still be a hero and save the day.
That doesn't *always* happen. Burt Lancaster got shot in the leg by Nazis during "The Train" - but that was right at the end of the "black and white action film" era.

The *reason* he was shot in the leg? It wasn't in the original script. Burt actually sprained his ankle playing golf, so they wrote in a scene to explain his limp on-screen.

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Old 08-26-2009, 08:21 AM
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Any padlock, no matter how large or complex, can be easily removed by slamming it with a rock or a brick.
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