Go Back   Customers Suck! > Community > Off Topic > Life Advice

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes

General input on a situation...
  #1  
Old 04-10-2019, 10:16 PM
mjr's Avatar
mjr mjr is offline
Area Manager
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: 127.0.0.1
Posts: 1,040
Default General input on a situation...

Ok, here's some background.

My wife doesn't necessarily really like my mother (or my sister, but that's a different story). They have a history -- of sorts.

When my wife and I got married, my mother thought it would be a good idea to try to give away some of our wedding cake. My wife also didn't like the fact that my mother bought her something and not me (like a "newlywed" gift -- something we could both use).

At the time, my mother had a bad habit of calling me early in the mornings. She did this once when my wife was very pregnant, and my wife didn't like it, and basically in the background was shouting "who the f**k is calling us this early?" (though she knew who it was). I think it was something like 6:30AM on a Saturday morning. She (mom) even said once, paraphrasing, "If I have to be up, so do you..."

My mother then tried to invite herself over to our apartment for after my wife gave birth, so she could "help out" for 10 days.

And because we waited until after our son was born to really tell most people (because who wants to sit in a waiting room for hours, waiting for someone to give birth?), she (my mother) tore a strip off of me. So when she got there (during the time when my wife was supposed to be meeting with a doctor), she talked about work for a few minutes, sat in a chair, and dozed off.

Then, when we bought our house, we invited her over. She didn't complement our house. She basically said "I don't like wooden floors" (we have wood in our living room), and "Your kitchen is small. You must not like to cook."

While yes, our house is somewhat modest, we do actually like to cook. We bought what we could afford.

Anyhow, needless to say my wife is none too happy about these instances. And she holds a bit of a grudge.

She also comes from a different culture than I do, so we've both had bits of culture shock throughout our marriage.

Well, she doesn't really want my mother at our house -- seemingly ever. She won't forbid me from seeing my mother, but mom lives two hours away and works an odd schedule. In my wife's family (and culture), you don't just stop by someone's house, or invite yourself over. I grew up in the type of culture where people actually do that.

So a couple of weeks back, I get an email from my mother. She's coming into down to visit her father (my grandfather), and wants to stop by my house afterward. My wife has already said no.

So we're trying to figure out what to say now and in the future. We really don't want to tell her the truth, but it's really inconvenient to need to keep making stuff up. Because if I do it enough, I know I'll get what my wife refers to as a guilt-o-gram.

Any thoughts or suggestions?
__________________
Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.
Reply With Quote

  #2  
Old 04-10-2019, 10:34 PM
Mental_Mouse Mental_Mouse is offline
Store Manager
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 513
Default

You're going to get guilt-o-grams anyway, so just buck up and tell her that you wife does not want to receive a visit from her. If you mother pushes, you can elaborate that her prior exploits have alienated her daughter-in-law, and her son isn't too happy with her, either.
Reply With Quote

  #3  
Old 04-11-2019, 01:25 AM
AnaKhouri's Avatar
AnaKhouri AnaKhouri is offline
Killer Queen
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 890
Default

Offer to meet your mom someplace neutral, like a restaurant or coffee shop, without your wife? Surely your mom is aware of your wife's feelings, so it shouldn't be a surprise if she presses for a reason and is told >wife isn't interested in visiting with you<. If you keep dissembling it will become exhausting. It's easier to get it out and let your mom be mad about it if she wants.
Reply With Quote

  #4  
Old 04-11-2019, 01:38 AM
mjr's Avatar
mjr mjr is offline
Area Manager
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: 127.0.0.1
Posts: 1,040
Default

Quote:
Quoth AnaKhouri View Post
Offer to meet your mom someplace neutral, like a restaurant or coffee shop, without your wife? Surely your mom is aware of your wife's feelings, so it shouldn't be a surprise if she presses for a reason and is told >wife isn't interested in visiting with you<. If you keep dissembling it will become exhausting. It's easier to get it out and let your mom be mad about it if she wants.
That's just the thing. I'm not sure my mom does know.

I'd talked (briefly) with my wife about having lunch with my mother that day, or going to her father's house. But we thought the latter was rude (because I would be showing up uninvited and unannounced). And she (my wife) thought that the lunch thing might set a precedent or something.

Mom lives almost 2 hours away, and works an odd schedule, so it's not like we can coordinate things easily.
__________________
Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.
Reply With Quote

  #5  
Old 04-11-2019, 03:25 AM
AnaKhouri's Avatar
AnaKhouri AnaKhouri is offline
Killer Queen
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 890
Default

I mean, if you don't care to see your mom, then don't see her, but if you want to, don't let your wife's opinion prevent you. I don't see this as being about either of them, but about what you want. They can remain totally disengaged from each other while you have a relationship with both.
Reply With Quote

  #6  
Old 04-12-2019, 12:48 AM
Pixelated Pixelated is offline
Area Manager
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Bookholm
Posts: 1,616
Default

Quote:
Quoth AnaKhouri View Post
I mean, if you don't care to see your mom, then don't see her, but if you want to, don't let your wife's opinion prevent you. I don't see this as being about either of them, but about what you want. They can remain totally disengaged from each other while you have a relationship with both.
I second this. Your wife is under no obligation to "make nice" with her MIL, especially given some of your mom's gaffes, but you sound as though you'd like to maintain at least some contact, and there's no justifiable reason for you not to do so.

I'd suggest arranging a lunch for yourself and your mother. If she asks where your wife is, you certainly have the option of telling her the truth. If she's upset, so be it. My mother was similar to yours: she would say things that were not taken too well (justifiably) and then SHE would get huffy if somebody told her that what she'd said was inappropriate.

At one point she got huffy with my brother over something (I no longer remember what) and said, "Well, I guess I won't be coming back to visit again!" She was expecting my brother to backpedal. What she got was "Okay" -- thus putting the ball back in her court. Remember that if your mother tries to guilt-trip you ... nothing takes the wind out of somebody's sails faster than when the responder doesn't respond as expected.

The lunch "thing" doesn't have to set a precedent unless you want it to. Next time your mom comes to town, you are free to have the option to be "busy" and thus unable to meet.
__________________
Customer service: More efficient than a Dementor's kiss
~ Mr Hero
Reply With Quote

  #7  
Old 04-14-2019, 05:14 AM
MoonCat's Avatar
MoonCat MoonCat is offline
I'm not bitter. I'm informed.
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Eastern US.
Posts: 7,777
Default

Does your mom have a history - besides with your wife - of being passive-aggressive? If she does, I second the advice to meet her elsewhere and explain, briefly, that Wife does not want to visit with her. However ---

You might also want to sit them both down and tell them you love them both, and could they please make an effort, like mature adults, to get along? Mom needs to be sensitive to your wife's needs, and try to be nice. Wife needs to understand that mom may just be clueless about some things. Surely there's some subject they can agree on, something they both enjoy, that might bring them just a little closer? And if not, can they at least agree to be civil to one another?

If not, then yeah. Visit elsewhere. Sometimes distance is the best solution.
__________________
When you start at zero, everything's progress.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:49 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.