Emotionless Emotions

[AmbrosiaWriter]

Okay, so uhm...

Someone who was like my second father died yesterday. I knew it was coming, but still, I got the text at from his daughter (one of my best friends). I understand why it was a text, because she was a mess - she had been there with him when he passed.

Since then I've been swinging between completely detached and emotionless, to gleefully happy, to trying my best not to cry, and into a series of other emotional states that I had to focus really hard on to control. One that comes swift and often is rage at... things. To how unfair it is that such a wonderful man like that had to pass on so soon, to other minor things that really wouldn't have bothered me before.

It's not all in response to the death; meaning I am not happy thinking about that he died, but I'll be completely detached from what's happening around me to laughing with customers to as soon as their back is turned I'm stuffing my fingers over my eyes to stop tears. I feel all of these emotions legitimately, they don't feel like masks I'm putting on while on the inside I'm remaining level.

I've honestly never had this happen before. When my grandparents died I holed up and watched my favorite movies on repeat without responding to outside stimuli, and wrote a lot more. Then I emerged pretty much on the level.

I'm half worried I'm going insane, but I trust the people enough here to give me an honest answer or some good advice on if it's just the death throwing my emotions out of whack for a little while.

I'm also worried because while I feel the emotional states... I don't actually fully experience them. (Does that make sense?) I can experience excitement and happiness, and rage, but sadness seems to be eluding me. I should be devastated that someone so close to me, who was so important to me and still is even in death, is now gone and I will never see him again. I want to be that way, but weirdly enough--

I just kind of go through the physical states without the actual mental sensation of it. I don't react. Is my brain wired weird? Is there something that can actually be done for this? Because right now (and for a long time, actually) this "life through soundproofing" is making me feel... like I'm not alive?

[yeahwhatev]

It sounds like there are other factors affecting this. As someone who has been on the "Is there something WRONG with me" vibe.. This is not unheard of or something you should blame yourself for. We are chemical beings. Diet, general mood before the stress ensued, and general health before the stress ensued can all play a factor in a body's response. First and foremost, take care of yourself. You haven't described your physical well being or recent habits. Take a quick look and be honest, have you been doing things that might lower your ability to take stress? It sounds like you need some professional advice, note that I did not say help, commitment, or intervention. Get a quick physical from your care provider. Mention the mood swings and let them recommend some remedies.

If getting to a doctor is stressful, too expensive or problematic, there are always options. Free clinics and public care can be hard to come by, but they ARE around.

One of the best things you can do, failing guided professional advice, is to relax. Meditate, take a swim, take a long hot bath. Check your diet, are you taking vitamins and/or eating right? If not, you can help your body get things turned around by fixing your diet, making sure you are hydrated and cutting bad things like caffeine way down (you do not want to try to kick an addiction like caffeine or nicotine while trying to right your body chemistry!)

The fact that you are communicating, even online, while feeling a bit off, is a good sign. Most of my friends and acquaintances with "issues" tend to simply shut down during stressful times. Keep talking, keep communicating and try and stay positive. A concerted effort to be positive, despite bad thoughts and moods, is known to be an aid to recovery.

Good luck.

[csquared]

I am sorry for your loss. You have me sympathies.

Everyone has their own way of grieving. It is hard to say if your way is "wrong." If you don't feel that it is right or if you don't feel that you are getting past it, then seek counseling.

[42_42_42]

It sounds to me like you're still in shock and the emotional swings are your body attempting to cope with said shock. The saddness will probably come in a day or two.

((hugs))

[MoonCat]

There is nothing wrong with you, you are not weird. Your emotions are there, they're just a mess right now. You know yourself best, so if you really feel that something's not right, do get a physical, and let the doc know about the mood swings, etc., BUT make sure they also know about your loss of someone you cared about. Every experience of grief is unique. It will pass, or more accurately it will change into something you can live with, but you can't force it. Grief is its own season.

[Gizmo]

*hugs*. I have had this sort of reaction to stuff and it does happen - especially if you are very low or stressed and tired already.

[Der Cute]

Are you kind of saying "when I'm sad I should be weeping super puddle crying stuffed nose sad" ?
There are degrees of all the emotions. 42_42_42 mentioned shock, and I agree. Shock put me personally at a detached emotional process, like yours. My theory (IANAD) is that shock detaches you from the situation and 'hides' you. Think wounded animal.
After mine subsided (the shock), my emotions came back to the level I'd had before, and, well, being sad was my average sad. Happy was my average happy. My situation causing it was overload of super important shit for self.
Yours is grief, loss, sad; loss of loved one. Let your brain/body do it's talking right now, I bet you a zillion dollars your emotions will gradually turn up the volume and get super strong soon. DO also remember that every situation will have it's own set of grief/emotions. Cat dies: sad, loss. Parent dies: sad loss, other stuff. Body part lost/amputated: loss, shame...See what I mean? Every thing there would have grief but different flavors/mixes of it.

No matter what. Hugs and More hugs. You are you. Hugs.

[Bardmaiden]

I've had this and am having it again.

The numb not feeling anything when someone dies is to be expected, I have dealt with deaths a while after it happened because I was too numb at the time from shock and/or grief. The thing to watch is that it doesn't become almost normal state, which is what happened with me. That is depression, I know it and recognise it as happening to me right now. My mind is cutting itself off from the world (Yes folks I am heading to a doctor as soon as able.) I've had several things happen at once each on their own I would be able to deal with but all together have triggered a depressive episode.

[telecom_goddess]

I would give it some time, and give your grief time to process. When I lost my sister in January (actually while she was dying) I experienced panic attacks. The stress of it was killing me. Once she died I went through a lot of emotions. I'm kinda numb at the moment. There is no "right" way to grieve. You do what you need to do.

[Teysa]

*hugs* Ambrosia. If it's any comfort, I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Anger is a normal part of grieving. And we all deal with grief in our own way. I have a feeling the tears are going to hit and hit hard. When they do, let them. At the same time, cherish the memories you have of your friend's dad.

[Seshat]

When my grandmother died, my family doctor at the time told me that the brain puts out some 'numbing' chemicals when grief hits; especially if it hits hard. This is probably so you're not so busy grieving you get eaten by a sabre-tooth tiger, or something. I dunno....

Anyway, my educated-guess is that the 'distance' you're feeling from your emotions is caused by those numbing chemicals. A doctor, pharmacist, psychologist, psychiatrist, specialist grief counsellor, or psychiatric nurse are all likely to be able to confirm or deny that.

The wild emotional swings are almost certainly caused by the death (see above for who to consult to confirm/deny that).

One word that many people who experience the 'distant' feeling you describe is 'hollowness'. Like there's nothing inside.
(Yes; enough people experience this that it's got not just one, but several common descriptions.)

Since you are concerned that you may be experiencing something other than normal grief, I am going to recommend that you find a grief advisor: anyone who has the medical training to monitor your progress through the grief, and alert you if you do start trending off healthy grieving and towards something more depression-like.

Your family doctor should be able to recommend someone; or you can find someone yourself. In Australia, we have certifications for counsellors/therapists, mental health nurses, and psychologists (in increasing rank of medical knowledge). I assume that other countries also have certifications, but the titles for the same/equivalent job descriptions may be different.
You shouldn't need an actual psychiatrist for this - only if you do start to need medication support, and stronger than your family doctor can prescribe.

Many religious priests/pastors/ministers/rabbis/imam/etc obtain counselling certifications, or know which members of their congregation have counselling certification. If you're religious, you might find this to be the most suitable resource for you. Even if you're not, many congregations provide counselling as a community service; especially grief counselling.