Not sure how long this will be, but I need to get some things off my mind and out into the universe.
Today I had my first session with a psychologist since I was 16. I'm now 33. This year has been an absolute nightmare of a year. I made this appointment 5 weeks ago with the assistance of my doctor. I had the 5th major breakdown and just couldn't see a way out and didn't want to keep going the way I was.
I started online uni in February and have had 5 major breakdowns since then. I have failed all of my classes and am currently in the process of un-enrolling/dropping out due to mental health issues. At the moment, the student services team is trying to work out if I can re-enroll on a part time basis next year under the HELP Fees or if I will need to pay upfront. (HELP Fees are like student loans, but you pay it back to the federal government through payroll deductions and any tax refunds you would have received.)
Since my first class, I have been having panic attacks, nightmares and flash backs to my school years. I have also had a number of blackouts. Some only lasted a few hours, but I have lots several full days and one full week. I can't remember what happens in all of the nightmares, but I wake up with the same feeling of panic and dread that I did back at school. Just the thought of logging onto my class page gives me panic attacks. Having to post/reply to group discussions can take me hours but most of my classes had a requirement to post at least 8 times including at least 3 new threads and responding on the rest.
I know I've posted on here a number of times about how bad it was for me at both primary and high school. Between the students and the teachers, I was constantly targeted. I don't like remembering specific events because it hurts and I spent so many years not being believed. But I think I talked about being choked by a classmate while the sports teacher stood by and did nothing. My sister had to drag the girl off me while I was turning blue. This was in grade one, so 6 or 7 years old. The school did nothing and she left part way through the next year.
Then that same girl ended up at my high school. During a new student and parent night, we discovered that she was going to be at my high school. At the end of the evening, my parents and I spoke to the school about the situation and requested that she never be in the same class as me. First day of year 7 and guess who is in my class? I'll give you one guess because you should't need more than that. If you guessed her, you'd be right. She then tried to make my life hell all over again.
Talking about it today with Tina, she was amazed that I have been able to make it this far in life. Frankly so am I considering how long I was depressed and suicidal during my school years. I only started getting better after I finished year 12 (end of high school).
Tina wants to have another session before we start working out treatment plans, but she said something today that really made sense to me. She believes that I am suffering from PTSD due to the bullying and abuse that I went through. She also thinks that my trust and control issues come from the same place. My depression, which I have battled with since I was 8, was mostly under control until the last few years. But given I quit 2 of my last 3 jobs due to toxic workplaces, she thinks it might have played a part in that too, either through a worsening of the depression or bringing back the same trapped feelings from school years.
So she is hoping to fit me in before xmas if anyone cancels an appointment. If not, my next appointment will be in the second last week of Jan and then at least once a month until I start feeling better or have got a good plan in place.
Now I just need to figure out how to explain to my parents that I have had to quit uni due to the shit that I went trough during school. I know they are so proud that I want to get a degree. And they spent years blaming themselves for what I went through. I don't blame them at all, never did, there was literally nothing that they could have done differently. Even changing schools would not have helped because there was none that didn't have any kids that I didn't know. And I was safer at my all girls high school after several boys threatened to kill me in grade 6. (Again teachers didn't believe me.)
How the hell do I tell them? I know they will support me and try to understand. But how do you tell your parents that their little girl doesn't just have depression, she also has PTSD?
Today I had my first session with a psychologist since I was 16. I'm now 33. This year has been an absolute nightmare of a year. I made this appointment 5 weeks ago with the assistance of my doctor. I had the 5th major breakdown and just couldn't see a way out and didn't want to keep going the way I was.
I started online uni in February and have had 5 major breakdowns since then. I have failed all of my classes and am currently in the process of un-enrolling/dropping out due to mental health issues. At the moment, the student services team is trying to work out if I can re-enroll on a part time basis next year under the HELP Fees or if I will need to pay upfront. (HELP Fees are like student loans, but you pay it back to the federal government through payroll deductions and any tax refunds you would have received.)
Since my first class, I have been having panic attacks, nightmares and flash backs to my school years. I have also had a number of blackouts. Some only lasted a few hours, but I have lots several full days and one full week. I can't remember what happens in all of the nightmares, but I wake up with the same feeling of panic and dread that I did back at school. Just the thought of logging onto my class page gives me panic attacks. Having to post/reply to group discussions can take me hours but most of my classes had a requirement to post at least 8 times including at least 3 new threads and responding on the rest.
I know I've posted on here a number of times about how bad it was for me at both primary and high school. Between the students and the teachers, I was constantly targeted. I don't like remembering specific events because it hurts and I spent so many years not being believed. But I think I talked about being choked by a classmate while the sports teacher stood by and did nothing. My sister had to drag the girl off me while I was turning blue. This was in grade one, so 6 or 7 years old. The school did nothing and she left part way through the next year.
Then that same girl ended up at my high school. During a new student and parent night, we discovered that she was going to be at my high school. At the end of the evening, my parents and I spoke to the school about the situation and requested that she never be in the same class as me. First day of year 7 and guess who is in my class? I'll give you one guess because you should't need more than that. If you guessed her, you'd be right. She then tried to make my life hell all over again.
Talking about it today with Tina, she was amazed that I have been able to make it this far in life. Frankly so am I considering how long I was depressed and suicidal during my school years. I only started getting better after I finished year 12 (end of high school).
Tina wants to have another session before we start working out treatment plans, but she said something today that really made sense to me. She believes that I am suffering from PTSD due to the bullying and abuse that I went through. She also thinks that my trust and control issues come from the same place. My depression, which I have battled with since I was 8, was mostly under control until the last few years. But given I quit 2 of my last 3 jobs due to toxic workplaces, she thinks it might have played a part in that too, either through a worsening of the depression or bringing back the same trapped feelings from school years.
So she is hoping to fit me in before xmas if anyone cancels an appointment. If not, my next appointment will be in the second last week of Jan and then at least once a month until I start feeling better or have got a good plan in place.
Now I just need to figure out how to explain to my parents that I have had to quit uni due to the shit that I went trough during school. I know they are so proud that I want to get a degree. And they spent years blaming themselves for what I went through. I don't blame them at all, never did, there was literally nothing that they could have done differently. Even changing schools would not have helped because there was none that didn't have any kids that I didn't know. And I was safer at my all girls high school after several boys threatened to kill me in grade 6. (Again teachers didn't believe me.)
How the hell do I tell them? I know they will support me and try to understand. But how do you tell your parents that their little girl doesn't just have depression, she also has PTSD?
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