How to break the news to Mom...

[Amina516]

So, first let me thank you all for whatever advice you guys can give me.

So, theres a 90% chance that next year, towards the summer, I will end up moving to Florida. Im in Pennsylvania. I was born in New Jersey. Ive been North all my life.

My mother father and family are all in PA, NJ and NY. I mean ALL.. I have 10 aunts and uncles, at least 40 first cousins in PA all with kids. Some of those kids, have kids. So needless to say, i have a huge family and most within driving range.

My issue is telling my mom I want to move. My inlaws USED to live in my city, but moved to Florida about 5 years ago. Its been a decision that Ive been going back and forth about, but I feel I want to get out of PA. I feel the time is right. My husbands family is all down there, and i know he misses them so much. Hes much closer to his family then I am to mine. Also my kids are closer to his parents than they are to mine, despite the 900 mile distance. His parents have been parents more to me than my own at times. Ive grown up with them as much as my own, only they (the inlaws) are much more understanding and loving and accepting of me then my own parents have been.

My biggest issue is that I feel bad. The holidays around here (in PA) are so depressing at my moms house, which is where we are expected to be every holiday. My parents are huge alcoholics and depite my efforts, continue to be regardless of their resulting behaviour or what anyone else tells them.

Im scared that If I leave, my mom will get worse. I love my mom. In her heart, she is a good person. A loving person. When shes sober, I couldnt ask for anything more in a mother. I'm scared that if I leave, her issues will get worse. I know she'll fall into a depression and try to drink it away. I have 2 brothers and 1 sister who are up here in PA with her, but I know she will be hurt to not have her whole family at her side.

My mother is 52, in relatively good health (besides the alcoholism). I dont feel that I NEED to be here. I want to be able to live my life. I dont know how to tell her.

Suggestions?

[Aethian]

Simply? Leave.

Your Mom is going to need a wake up poke sometime and this will be one. How big of one will be up to her. Go to where YOU feel their is family that YOU want to be around. As far as telling her? Tell her that you feel it will be better for YOUR family and that you hope she will give you her blessings as one Mom to another.

[Megg]

You have to live your life for you. You are a grown up, so just go if you want to go. Sure, being far away from your family can be hard, but if you are still surrounded by the ones you love, it isn't so bad. As for your mom - well, she got to live her life, right? Now it is your turn. Call her often, though!

[MaggieTheCat]

Agree 110% with Aethian and Megg. You do need to live your own life, and think about what's best for you, your husband, and your kids. If that means moving to FL, then do it. Don't let your family hold you back because you are afraid for them.

That's not to say that you have to be mean about it. Like Aethian said, just try to gently explain to your mom that moving is the right thing to do, and maybe list all the reasons why. Better job? Better environment for the kids? Being closer to your husband's family? Well, maybe not that last one, you don't want her to get jealous...

I'm the baby of the family (by 13 years) and the only girl, and my mom loves me...sometimes too much so. She was very overbearing and over protective when I was younger, to the point that she was pretty controlling. I know she was upset when I told her that I was going to move to Texas to be with my husband (boyfriend, at the time) but she knows now that it was the best thing for me to do. I am very, very happy where I am now and it was absolutely the best decision I have made in my life. We talk on the phone almost every day still, which helps her feel better about it. Even if your mom is initially against the move, hopefully she will realize, once you're actually down there, how much happier you are and that it was the right thing to do.

By the way, has your mom tried seeing anyone about her problems, or gone to any AA meetings, or anything?

Good luck, and keep us updated.

[r2cagle]

Is mom the type to go all dramatic and then get over it? If so, start breaking the news now, so she can have her drama and be over it when it does happen.

Do it in steps: We're thinking about moving - we're seriously thinking about moving - we're definitely going to move - we're packing to move- we're moving.

Can't stop your mom from making the choices she does, and you might have to remind her that she is the one responsible for her own issues. In fact, she might even go on bender just to try and guilt you into staying put. If she chooses not to deal well with you moving, you can't accept responsibility for that. If it's right for you and your husband and kids, it's time to go. Expect to feel really homesick and some depression that first year you move, though.

Best of luck too.

[Amina516]

You guys are awesome.

Im worried with the aftermath i guess, After I leave. But you all are right. I need to just man up and let her know. I do like r2cagles idea of kinda going in steps. Maybe Ill talk to her this weekend. Ill let you all know how it goes.

I mean, its NOT a 100% thing, I may still be here after next summer but I just want to let her know ahead of time.

Ive already told my MIL and shes so damn excited that shes ALREADY looking for houses for us even though we cant even attempt to buy until Next spring. Lol.

[Jester]

Three things.

One: Make sure this is the right thing for you and hubby. It sounds like you have done this, but remember, the economy in most of Florida pretty much blows right now. Make sure that you have jobs lined up, if possible. The worst thing for you would be to get here and not be able to make a living. But beyond the economy, take some time to yourself and talk with hubby and make sure that this is what you really want to do, both individually and as a couple.

Two: If you do decide that this is the thing to do, and you have lined things up appropriately for the move, DO IT. Make the move. Pull the trigger. You have to put yourself and your family first, even if that means you have to put the rest of your family second. That sounds horrible, but it is also reality. People who do not put themselves and their own happiness first often are quite miserable trying to make others happy....and usually failing in that second endeavor, since they are not themselves happy. Make sense? I hope so.

Three: Tell your mother (and the rest of your family) pretty much straight up that this is what you want to do, and this is what you need to do, both for yourself and as a couple. They can either support you or not, but you are doing it. You hope they WILL support you, of course. But make it clear that either way, you are southward bound.

Some of your family will support you. Some will not. Some will try to convince you to stay. All of that is normal. But stay strong and stick to what you know you need to do for you and your hubby and kids.

This happens in families all the time. And the families continue on, and they survive. Yours will too.

[NightAngel]

You only get one life- live it.

Otherwise, someday you'll wake up and realize you missed it.

[Amina516]

So, uh...i havent told her yet....:blush:

I went to her house a few times since I last posted...and i never got the words out of my mouth though they were on the tip of my tongue almost the whole time.

/sigh

[r2cagle]

Take it easy on yourself, work out how you want to say it.... practice as long as it takes you to feel comfortable, and eventually, it'll work it's way into the conversation. Once you're ready mentally and emotionally, the rest of it'll come. In fact, it's probably better if you wait closer to summer/autumn. Less time for drama, and more time to work out your approach...

[Jester]

And when it comes time to tell her, RELAX. You are going to be naturally stressed about this, and more so when you are to the point of telling her, so when that times comes, breathe deeply, and let your shoulders drop. Both will help you relax more.

And remember, it's not that big a deal. You are simply moving to where you will be happier. Remember that. There are far worse things you could be telling your mom.

"Mom, I just killed someone."
"Mom, I just blew up a building."
"Mom, I want to be a professional magician."



Trust me, none of the above go over well with mothers.

[Megg]

Hey there's an idea!

"Mom, I just blew up a building and killed someone! Just kidding, I am moving!"

[Amina516]

So, took me a while to work up the courage, but I brought it up....

A week ago, as Im helping my mom with dinner, I tell her that we're thinking about moving to Florida...as early as next summer.

Her response? "Oh, thatd be good. We'd have a place to stay if we wanted to visit down there." She then asked alittle about housing and jobs down there and that was it...

OMG!!! Seriously? I stressed over that?! Lol.

To my surprise, my dad comes to pick something up from my house yesterday HE'S the one with a problem with it! I dont get along with my dad too much, so I didnt/wont consider his feelings, but he says to me "What the fuck you wanna move to Florida for? Theres nothing to do down there!" even though he went last summer and stayed at my in laws and had a blast.

Lol. go figure. Go, it looks like I can finally rest. Thanks for the advice guys.

[Lachrymose]

"Oh, thatd be good. We'd have a place to stay if we wanted to visit down there."

[...] it looks like I can finally rest.

Maybe not.

[Rapscallion]

"What the fuck you wanna move to Florida for? Theres nothing to do down there!"

Sounds like there's the bonus of him not being there, unless I'm reading too much into it.

Rapscallion