I love my MIL but...

[Amusement Gal]

Stop saying every quirk of mine is an 'excuse'! I could say something like, "I have to eat some more, a small burger with three vitamins tears my stomach up.", and she'll just tell me, "Hyuk! You just want to eat some food, don't you?! Excuse! That was plenty of food!".

Anything like that. No, I really don't want to eat food at an expensive State Fair right when we get there. No, I honestly don't WANT to eat a lot of food, but I get hungry every 3 or so hours, so get over it. None of these are excuses, they're just different than what you're used to. If I have to hear about how I'm 'eating a lot', I swear to god I'm going to call you out on your current condition. I ate a lot then because I didn't eat anything before/I'm taking large amounts of vitamins. Do you want me to throw up on you instead? Jesus. I don't even eat a lot; the only time I eat a bunch of food is if I'm hungry and missed breakfast, and after that I eat smaller portions.

And it's almost always with food. Way to make me secure. I'm sure it's an attempt at humor, but if I say it's NOT ten times before you do it again, it sure as hell isn't funny anymore.

Are there any NICE ways to tell her otherwise? Because most of the time when I say it's not she just gives me the, "Riiiigggghhhhtttt" response. And I don't have proper tact right now since I'm hormonal. The last thing I need is, 'Awww...she's crying over something so silly!'. Because godfuckingdamnit I hate crying.

[Magpie]

No, there aren't nice ways. Why? Because when someone doesn't listen to "Please stop" you aren't supposed to be nice. Even if she's your mother in law. I'm assuming that you're looking for a way that results in you not causing unnecessary offence, and doesn't burn bridges.

Step 1 (optional): get your husband to talk to her. Making someone be a go-between isn't great, but with family dynamics this can be reasonable.

Step 2: "I asked you to stop that, and I meant it. When you make comments like that I feel hurt, and I feel like you aren't taking my medical problems seriously." The "I feel" is key here.

Step 3: Some time when she isn't making comments, sit her down and tell her what you wrote out here. If she tries to brush it off "oh, I didn't realise it was such a big deal" apply a variant of step 2: "I feel that you aren't taking my complaints seriously, and I would appreciate if you would let me express my concerns".

Step 4: you're going to need to start cutting ties. I'm not saying cut her out of your life, but explain to your husband that you have a hard time with how she's constantly putting you down, and you'll stay home while they go to the fair this time, etc. Unless it gets really bad, don't skip everything (and don't make your husband choose: let him go without you). My mom, for example, doesn't go see her in-laws. If my dad visits he goes on his own. She made an exception for their anniversary: she made a three-hour flight for the one day and came back the same day (dad stayed for a longer visit).

[Amusement Gal]

-snip-

Step 4: you're going to need to start cutting ties. I'm not saying cut her out of your life, but explain to your husband that you have a hard time with how she's constantly putting you down, and you'll stay home while they go to the fair this time, etc. Unless it gets really bad, don't skip everything (and don't make your husband choose: let him go without you). My mom, for example, doesn't go see her in-laws. If my dad visits he goes on his own. She made an exception for their anniversary: she made a three-hour flight for the one day and came back the same day (dad stayed for a longer visit).

It's certainly not insane enough for that, and she does it occasionally, but it drives me batty. She's really awesome and a better mom than mine ever was, but it's just one of her quirks, which fights against my quirks apparently. It's just been bothering me a lot because I'm hormonal right now, and I REALLY don't like someone not taking me seriously.

I'm thinking it's mostly jokes gone awry because I am very food curious with new stuff and combinations, but if I need to eat more than her norm, I should be able to without the peanut gallery tooting its horn. I might just email her and say that it's been bothering me, and that while it's funny for some things, it's not for how/when I eat. We live together, so I can easily just go upstairs and talk to her, but I'm gonna be moody for another freaking week, so I'd rather just explain in an email before things spiral.

[Aethian]

And if all of the above doesn't work... Give her a look. One of those looks where the eyebrow is slightly raised and a expression of, "Oh did YOU say something?" and then walk away. Don't let her bait you into anything, don't even show any emotion that she did rile your feelings. Sounds like she's one of those that feeds off of small jabs at other expenses to make her feel good. If you can't walk away just shrug and look away, acknowledge the comment with above look but say nothing to it. Start a new subject if you need to.

[TelephoneAngel]

Someone used to do something similar to me and I used to get upset every time then one day I decided that whatever they said to upset me I would just agree with them.

"Telephoneangel you only wear green dresses because you know boys will look at you in that colour" *or something equally stupid*
previously I would have spent ages trying to explain that no, I am happy with boyfriend and I don't want boys to look at me but I happen to like the colour green and I don't flirt with boys, and I would wind up getting really upset about it.

Now I just make some equally stupid comment *oh I think they were looking more closely when I wore the pink dress don't you* Then quickly change the subject.

"Telephoneangel your hair needs cutting it looks awful".
No good explaining it has just been cut and getting upset.
Reply "yes I hearthe messy hairneedscutting look is in right now" Change the subject quickly.

After a short while of this I found the person stopped saying so many stupid things to me as they no longer got a reaction.

*it was a close relative so I couldn't just ignore them altogether*

[Amusement Gal]

The thing is, she's normally a very agreeable person. She's not some evil fun-sucking witch that these ideas would be perfect for. She's just joking a bit too hard. The agreeing with the comments would probably work though. I do it with everyone else, but since we act like best friends, it throws me off when she does stuff like that.

I'm not invalidating any ideas or suggestions, I just want to find a way to talk it out and get rid of the 'verbal itch' that needs to be scratched, if you will. I'm sure there are many firebreathing MILs out there, but she isn't one of them.

[BookstoreEscapee]

The thing is, she's normally a very agreeable person. She's not some evil fun-sucking witch that these ideas would be perfect for. She's just joking a bit too hard. The agreeing with the comments would probably work though. I do it with everyone else, but since we act like best friends, it throws me off when she does stuff like that.

I'm not invalidating any ideas or suggestions, I just want to find a way to talk it out and get rid of the 'verbal itch' that needs to be scratched, if you will. I'm sure there are many firebreathing MILs out there, but she isn't one of them.

In that case I'd go with just saying "It's getting old" and not acknowledging the remarks anymore.

[TelephoneAngel]

For example if my relative now made the sorts of remark you note there I would now say something like

"oh darn you found me out!" or "can't hide my apetite with you about!" Smile as if you find it very amusing.Change the subject.I doubt there would be many more digs after all you agree so why continue?

[BarbieGirl]

I wouldn't write an email, putting things in writing tend to come back and bite you in the butt. Call or have a sit down, politely express that you don't appreciate the comments and they need to stop.

Then, if they continue and you don't feel it's malicious then Telephone Angels advice about 'bean dipping' is good, just change the subject.

Other handy phrases;

'oh that sounds like something you'd say.'
'why would you point something like that out?' given with a really quizzical look like they may be crazy.
you could also just stare at her when she says it and reply with a 'mmmhmmm'

Don't continue to tell her when you need to eat or why, either just do it or keep it simple to, 'I'm going to get something'
DON"T JADE, Justify Argue Defend or Explain.


(I love the advise from all the smart people over at mother in law stories)

[Amusement Gal]

Alright, thanks! I'm not very good with social graces, so trying to use tact (tact, what's tact?) is foreign to me.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Don't serve the ball to her in the first place. Just eat the burger. Why do you feel the need to explain youself? You don't owe her an explanation. Plus, it seems to bait her to say something that is going to irritate you. So don't set up the situation so that the outcome is one you don't like.

I love my dad, but I know better than to bring up certain topics to him, because if I do so, it will trigger him to be an ass about them and make everyone pissed at him. So I have learned what to say and what not to say. It sucks having to resort to that, but you can't change people. The only person you can change is yourself.

Back to your burger, just eat the thing and don't comment on it. You know why you are eating it, and it's your business. No explanation is needed. Hell, even if the explanation is "I just want to eat a burger because I like burgers and everyone can get bent", so what? You don't need an excuse.

If you don't bring it up and just eat it, and she DOES bring it up, well. then you have cause for a come to Jesus meeting with her about why she's commenting all the time on your business.

[Seshat]

"Are you still using that old joke? I thought it'd rusted out by now."


That's a roundabout 'it's not funny' that just might work. And might not. If not, well, the combined ideas of everyone else who's spoken in the thread include every suggestion I'd have made (plus quite a few more), so I'll not repeat them.

[Whiskey]

No, I honestly don't WANT to eat a lot of food, but I get hungry every 3 or so hours,

If it makes you better, this is how you're supposed to eat. It looks like you eat more, because you're eating more often, but it actually causes you to eat less because your body isn't absolutely starving.

My grandma is the same way. Shes "just kidding" and i'm "too sensitive." The only thing that got her to stop was me putting my foot down and not interacting with her after an insult.

I was at her house one day after I had sat her down and said "If you make fun of me again, I will not be around you." We're sitting in the kitchen and she goes "Oh theres those extra ten pounds, theyre under your shirt! haha!!" I just calmly got up from my seat, told her that I didn't appreciate her comment and I was leaving. Then I walked out and left.

I do that with every visit, phone call and interaction. She doesn't comment on my weight anymore.

Coincidentally, this afternoon she came over. My grandma would always complain and moan about how FILTHY my apartment is because I don't vacuum five times a day like she does (seriously. Five times a day. Because her house is "filthy")

Me: I know, its filthy! I haven't had time to clean.
Grandma: I don't see anything, it looks fine.

It only takes once or twice of putting them out of your house immediately/hanging up/leaving whatever you're doing with them to get it through their head you're not going to tolerate it.