Okay, so uhm...
Someone who was like my second father died yesterday. I knew it was coming, but still, I got the text at from his daughter (one of my best friends). I understand why it was a text, because she was a mess - she had been there with him when he passed.
Since then I've been swinging between completely detached and emotionless, to gleefully happy, to trying my best not to cry, and into a series of other emotional states that I had to focus really hard on to control. One that comes swift and often is rage at... things. To how unfair it is that such a wonderful man like that had to pass on so soon, to other minor things that really wouldn't have bothered me before.
It's not all in response to the death; meaning I am not happy thinking about that he died, but I'll be completely detached from what's happening around me to laughing with customers to as soon as their back is turned I'm stuffing my fingers over my eyes to stop tears. I feel all of these emotions legitimately, they don't feel like masks I'm putting on while on the inside I'm remaining level.
I've honestly never had this happen before. When my grandparents died I holed up and watched my favorite movies on repeat without responding to outside stimuli, and wrote a lot more. Then I emerged pretty much on the level.
I'm half worried I'm going insane, but I trust the people enough here to give me an honest answer or some good advice on if it's just the death throwing my emotions out of whack for a little while.
I'm also worried because while I feel the emotional states... I don't actually fully experience them. (Does that make sense?) I can experience excitement and happiness, and rage, but sadness seems to be eluding me. I should be devastated that someone so close to me, who was so important to me and still is even in death, is now gone and I will never see him again. I want to be that way, but weirdly enough--
I just kind of go through the physical states without the actual mental sensation of it. I don't react. Is my brain wired weird? Is there something that can actually be done for this? Because right now (and for a long time, actually) this "life through soundproofing" is making me feel... like I'm not alive?
Someone who was like my second father died yesterday. I knew it was coming, but still, I got the text at from his daughter (one of my best friends). I understand why it was a text, because she was a mess - she had been there with him when he passed.
Since then I've been swinging between completely detached and emotionless, to gleefully happy, to trying my best not to cry, and into a series of other emotional states that I had to focus really hard on to control. One that comes swift and often is rage at... things. To how unfair it is that such a wonderful man like that had to pass on so soon, to other minor things that really wouldn't have bothered me before.
It's not all in response to the death; meaning I am not happy thinking about that he died, but I'll be completely detached from what's happening around me to laughing with customers to as soon as their back is turned I'm stuffing my fingers over my eyes to stop tears. I feel all of these emotions legitimately, they don't feel like masks I'm putting on while on the inside I'm remaining level.
I've honestly never had this happen before. When my grandparents died I holed up and watched my favorite movies on repeat without responding to outside stimuli, and wrote a lot more. Then I emerged pretty much on the level.
I'm half worried I'm going insane, but I trust the people enough here to give me an honest answer or some good advice on if it's just the death throwing my emotions out of whack for a little while.
I'm also worried because while I feel the emotional states... I don't actually fully experience them. (Does that make sense?) I can experience excitement and happiness, and rage, but sadness seems to be eluding me. I should be devastated that someone so close to me, who was so important to me and still is even in death, is now gone and I will never see him again. I want to be that way, but weirdly enough--
I just kind of go through the physical states without the actual mental sensation of it. I don't react. Is my brain wired weird? Is there something that can actually be done for this? Because right now (and for a long time, actually) this "life through soundproofing" is making me feel... like I'm not alive?
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