The Legend of Deedle

[Kara]

I had training for half my shift yesterday (w00t), so I don't have as wide of a selection of calls to talk about. I do, however, have a call so outrageous, so unbelievable, so absurd, that it earned its own thread (the rest of yesterday's calls will be reported with today's calls.

Deedle. What could that possibly be? What comes to mind? Someone's dog? A poorly animated children's cartoon character? A stuffed animal? A sock monkey? A Yu-Gi-Oh! monster (2 stars, 0 ATK/0 DEF/3000 WTF)? Nay. The Phontards have found their Queen, and they call her name Deedle. Her inbred hillbilly accent is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Wherever this being is (I can’t even remember know what state she lived in), I’m sure there’s a trailer park where the children flee in terror at the coming of Deedle. Oh, and her real name eludes me but it was nothing even remotely close to Dedra or Dee Dee. It didn't even have "D" in it.

On with the call...

The call comes in, a transfer from Customer Care. A special instruction memo pops up, stating: "Customer likes to be called Deedle."

CSR: Hi, this is CSR with General Care, and I have a customer on the line looking to cancel.
ME: Okay, could I have the customer's name please? (gotta make sure the account that popped up is the right one)
CSR: Well, the name on the account is (Blankzilla Blankerton), but she wants to be called Deedle. That's her nickname.
ME: Okay, so what is going on with........ Deedle.... today?
CSR: She's upset because she said she ordered a phone back in March and it was supposed to be free with a 1 year contract but they charged her for it. But the notes don’t support that, so now she’s really mad and wants to cancel unless she gets a credit.
ME: Alright. Go ahead and bring her on through.
(Transfer)
ME: Hello, Ms... Deedle?
Deedle: Yes?
ME: Hi, this is Kara. I understand there was some confusion about the price of your phone upgrade from March?
Deedle: That’s right. It was s’posed to be free and you charged me for it. The guy said “Deedle, I can give you this phone for free.” But why are you chargin’ for it?
ME: Well, I definitely want to make sure you’re getting what you were offered. Let me take a look at some details from the order and see what happened.
*Interlude – Bringing up the notes on her account, I noticed she has been calling about this for 2 months, yelling and screaming and has talked to a small army of supervisors, and has been told “No” by every one of them. Now it’s my turn -_-*
ME: Okay, I see that when we talked to you on 03/28, we offered the phone free with a 2 year contract and-
Deedle: No! That’s not right! I never agreed to no 2 year contract! They said free with a 1 year contract and that’s what I agreed to! And then they charged me for it!
ME: Ahem. As I was saying, it was offered free with a 2 year contract, or $49.99 with a 1 year contract, and that’s what it looks like you accepted.
Deedle: No I did not! Nuh-uh. I never did no such thing! They said 1 year contract for free and that’s what I did!
ME: Hmm, no, I see it was only offered free with a 2 year contract. They also offered you a credit for 50% of your monthly rate plan you had at the time which was $59.99 a month, so it was a $30 credit. That got you the phone for essentially $19.99 with a 1 year contract, which is a-
Deedle: I dun’t know what they told you or if they put it in wrong, but I swear to you that it was free with a 1 year contract. *Phone ringing* Hold on, I’m at work.
*Interlude 2 – This went on for a ridiculous amount of time until I decided it was time to drop the niceties and let her know she wasn't going to get anywhere with me. Besides, it was almost time to get my happy little butt off the phones and into training for the rest of the day, and I wasn’t about to be deprived of that blissful time off the phones by this woman.*
ME: Alright, I understand you’re saying you were offered the phone for free with a 1 year contract, and I have already told you the offer that was made to you and what you accepted. I also see here that you have called in several times to dispute this and every single representative you’ve spoken to has told you the same thing I have. The answer is not going to change this time.
Deedle: Well, well, uh, well-
ME: Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Deedle: I’m about to cancel this account and be done with you!
ME: Well, you have that option if you feel that’s what you need to do.
Deedle: Alright, well, first what is my bill?
ME: $53.68, due 06/05.
Deedle: And you see the $119 payment I just did?
ME: Well, I see a payment for $146 you made today.
Deedle: $146? No, they told me it was $119!
ME: I see here the rep who took the payment before you spoke to me advised you of the past due amount of $145.74 and you paid $146 even. If you only paid $119, you would still be past due and your service would still be suspended.
Deedle: So what was my total bill?
ME: The bill was $199.68, which had the past due $145.74 and the current charges of $54.06. You just paid $146, so the remaining balance of $53.68 is due 06/05.
Deedle: No, see, that ain’t right! My bill doesn’t say nothing about no $199! It says $119!
ME: What is the due date of that bill?
Deedle: Now.
ME: What is the printed due date on the bill?
Deedle: Uh… right now!
ME: Because your most recent bill, which shows a due date of 06/05 was $199.68
Deedle: No! NO WAY! I’m holdin’ that bill in my hand and it says $119 and change!
ME: I’m sorry, what is the EXACT amount of the bill?
Deedle: One Ninety uh…. $119…..6-68.
ME: And what is the due date on that bill?
Deedle: Right now.
ME: There is not a single charge or subcharge on anywhere on that bill of $119.
Deedle: Uh-huh! There is!
ME: Alright. If your bill shows $119, then let me give you my fax number and you can send it to me right now. If I see $119 on that bill, I will gladly adjust the difference from what the system shows.
Deedle: *Phone ringing* I’ll call you back! I’m busy! *Slam* Uh, what about my free phone?
ME: I’ve already told you there will not be any further credit, because one was never offered. What was offered was a phone for $49.99 and a $30 credit.
Deedle: You guys are such a terrible company! I left my other service to come to you and they never, never, gave me and problems like this. But my friends all said, “Deedle, you have to change to (Company) because they’re better.” So I did and now I wish I never had. I should just go back to (Competitor).
ME: If you wish to cancel your account, you have that option.
Deedle: You know what the sad thing is? I never even complained when my phone was actin’ up last year. I could have complained then and made you give me a credit, but I was good and paid my bill!
ME: That has nothing to do with-
Deedle: Did you even care? No, you just wanted your money! My phone started callin’ people on its own all hours of the night and my mama would call me and say, “Deedle! Why did you call me?” And I’d say, “Mama, I didn’t call you.” Then my sister and my friends would call me. “Deedle! Why did you call?” And I didn’t call them. But I didn’t complain and you didn’t do nothin’ about it!
ME: Well, I see you called on September-
Deedle: And I didn’t ask for a credit or nuthin’. Well I’m a damn good customer and now I’m asking for what you owe me!
ME: Did we not send you a replacement phone at that time?
Deedle: Well, yes, but-
ME: And did we not waive the shipping fee for you also at that time?
Deedle: I don’t remember, but-
ME: We did. And when you got the replacement, did you continue to have any problems?
Deedle: No, but-
ME: Then the problem was taken care of and no credit was needed. What else can I do for you today?
Deedle: Well, uh, I, uh, this ain’t right! You need to credit my account because-
ME: There will be no credit for the phone you ordered in March. The bill is correct and no further amount will be adjusted. The issue you had in September does not warrant a credit of any kind. If you wish to cancel, I can cancel your service right this moment and you will be billed the termination fee.
Deedle: I don’t have time for this, I’m at work. I’ll call you back.

I’ve never seen someone fight so hard for a credit they knew they didn’t deserve and weren’t going to get in the first place. Obviously she thought that if she called enough times, we’d give in. But she was trying for the 20th time to get a credit for her phone upgrade, how can she even still think it’s worth the effort? And why in the name of Elmer Fudd did she even try that stunt about the bill? It’s not like I can’t see the exact bill she’s holding in her hand. It’s not like there’s even a remote chance I won’t call her on it or demand proof before just blindly throwing a credit at her. And the phone issue from September was likely a shot in the dark. There seems to be no end in sight for our ongoing battle with Deedle. I should have jotted down her account number so I could watch and see how many more times she calls in before giving up on it, or until someone gets tired of her and slaps her with a ban from calling us (it can happen if customers call in excessively over the same issues over and over or otherwise waste our time and money that could be put towards better customers).

Oh, and by the way, she paid for the phone in addition to the $146 (which is equivalent to $119 in Deedletopia).

[MustangErin]

All I have to say to that is "Oh my goodness!!"

[Polenicus]

All hail Deedle, the Queen of Suck! Hail Deedle the Large! Slayer of braincells, devourer of the sacred Ho-hos!



The Great and Powerfully Scented Deedle demands a sacrifice! Bring her offerings of free cell phones and credits to her bill to appease her wrath, lest she go on a rampage, storming local places of business to argue over the price of three cardboard boxes!

[Der Cute]

Polenicus...


Oh, jest ye.....3 cardboard boxes she shall demand?
Nae, nae oh Lord of Sarcasm.
Award thy wench One...One SMALL box of the rankest cardboard and add such filth as her dryer lint to partially increase her wealth.

Then, only then, shall she be honored.

For she is the Queen of Bovine Soil Additive!

cutenooob whos wayyyy tired

[bigjimaz]

Everyone...Anyone...PLEASE!

If you ever see me even thinking about becoming a phone rep...SHOOT ME!

Kara, you either have the patience of a saint or the fortitude of a marathon runner. Either way, I wouldn't want to do what you do for 10 times what you get for doing it. I wouldn't last an hour.

[Knightmare]

Wow. Just.. wow. (Man, I wish you people would stop saying that!)*

Anyway, I think all of us, at sometime or another, have dealt with a Deedle. I know I can recall many Deedles that I had the "pleasure" of helping. Fighting hard, not giving up for something they know they aren't entitled to, or have no chance of getting, but still trying everything they can to get something out of your company.

At least you know they aren't quitters!




*It's annoying as all git-out. Just my opinion.

[Kusanagi]

Out of curiosity, do you have any instances of someone who WAS banned?

[LonelyStr8manInSF]

In my fairly short time working for a well-known chain of computer stores that I shall nickname DumpUSSR, I only had a truly Deedle-ish customer once. A guy comes in, inquiring about our Sony VIAO laptops (true pieces of junk, by the way...I'd even say get a Dell over one of these, and I HATE Dell). He homes in on one particular model, and then says he can get the same thing at the Sony store in the Metreon for the same price, but that at the Sony store it comes with Bluetooth, which our model lacks.

I speak to my manager, but this model already has a razor thin margin ($80 on a $1700 laptop, as I recall), and the customer has already made clear that he wants no accessories or service plans, so my manager can't do anything. I tell him that I have spoken to the manager, and we can't discount it. He tells me I'm full of bullfeces, and again demands I give him a discount. I tell him that clearly, he can get a laptop with more features for the same price from Sony, and it only makes sense for him to go there. This infuriates him, and he starts cursing at me more, demanding more vehemently that I give him a discount, and then he starts telling me that so few people are buying our laptops and we need his business. I laugh and point out that we are currently sold out on several models and that today in particular we are doing very well - the whole notebook section is packed.

His yelling has attracted my manager, who tries to reason with him, but the man continues cursing, calling us a**holes, liars, and a number of other, more colorful names. I wander off to help other customers, keeping an amused eye on this twit, until my manager says "Sir, there is nothing I can do for you" and then turns and walks away. Captain Obnoxious stands there for a moment, stunned, before looking around and then stalking out of the store. Afterwards, we all had a good laugh in the breakroom at this man's expense.

[Gurndigarn]

Is there any way to start billing people who call again and again to beg the same issue over and over?

[Dreamstalker]

Deedle: Did you even care? No, you just wanted your money! My phone started callin’ people on its own all hours of the night and my mama would call me and say, “Deedle! Why did you call me?” And I’d say, “Mama, I didn’t call you.” Then my sister and my friends would call me. “Deedle! Why did you call?” And I didn’t call them. But I didn’t complain and you didn’t do nothin’ about it!

Ebbeh...da....whuh?! That last sentence makes no sense

Ye flipping GODS. A number of braincells just hid in terror.

Ray: Ooh, a possessed cell phone? That's a new one.
Winston: You know, I really don't think Kara would mind if we went over to 'take care of it' and accidentally caused the cust to go FWOOM. It's not like we haven't had to warn people about getting in the way before.
Egon: Maybe it's like the cell phones in that Stephen King book, and dialing a number will factory-reset her brain. Although it seems as if hers was already defective, so a reset wouldn't do much.

[iradney]

I'm really really REALLY REALLY hoping she never breeds. Could you imagine it? Three or Four little Deedles running around...hoooo boy, the world would implode!

[Kara]

Out of curiosity, do you have any instances of someone who WAS banned?

Yeah, I've come across a few. Not many, mind you. We aren't about to just start flinging bans on our customers who, stupid as they may be, pay us money.

Customers can potentially find themselves unable to speak to a rep if they have excessive (like 10 times a day or more) unnecessary calls to customer care, since that costs us money. Also, customers who can be extraordinarily mean and nasty to reps may get banned. We email our supervisors with a description of what happened and why a ban may be necessary, then the sup forwards it to the powers that be. They review the request and the customer's account history, then decide whether or not a ban is in order.

Once a ban has been granted, the customer receives a jolly letter in the mail stating that due to excessive calls to customer care and/or abuse of our reps, they can no longer call customer care and all requests they may have must be submitted in writing. If they do call us, a disclaimer pops up on their account stating that ECR (Executive Consumer Relations) has placed the customer on written correspondence and that no assistance is to be provided to them. Most will act shocked ("What do you mean, I have to write a letter? Sweet little ol' me?"), but they get the letters in the mail so they already know they can't call us and why. As far as I know, a ban is a permanent punishment, which is why it's reserved only for the worst of the worst.

Couple of amusing banned customer stories. First, I had a banned customer demand to talk to a supervisor once because I wouldn't assist her ("I'm not trying to make a change, I'm just wanting information!"). I told my sup the situation, stressing the fact that this was a banned customer, and he took the call. It went something like this:

SUP: Hi, this is C with (Company). I understand you were requesting to speak to a supervisor.
Customer: Yes, I-
SUP: As you know, you are no longer able to be assisted by Customer Care and must submit any and all requests or inquiries to us in writing. Thank you for choosing (Company) and good day. *Click*
ME: Holy crap. How does it feel being a God among men?
SUP: Pretty good, really.

Ah, he was one of the best sup's I've had. Too bad he moved on to other things.

My second amusing story happened a little later. I got a transfer from Customer Care and the rep told me the customer's issue. I pulled up the account information and lo and behold, there's a warning that the customer is banned.

ME: You are aware that the customer is on written correspondence, right?
CSR: Well, yeah. But, the thing is, I thought we could help him out and-
ME: No. There is no "helping out." Whatever he did to get himself banned, he earned it. This is a decree from above, there is no overriding it.
CSR: Uh.... well let me transfer him.
ME: WAIT-!
Customer: Hello?
ME:

Now I had the fun task of telling him that not only could I not help him, but that the last rep shouldn't have helped him anyway. And he was every bit as furious as you'd expect. This call ended after I warned him about profanity 3 times and released him.

[Andara Bledin]

Is there any way to start billing people who call again and again to beg the same issue over and over?

If you put it into your contract information, you can charge for calls to customer service.

I know that with my bank account, because it's a no-fees self-service setup, I get 3 free calls to a live rep per month, and I have to pay for anything beyond that. I don't think I speak to a live rep 3 times per year, so it works just fine for me.

^-.-^

[XCashier]

Ray: Ooh, a possessed cell phone? That's a new one.
Winston: You know, I really don't think Kara would mind if we went over to 'take care of it' and accidentally caused the cust to go FWOOM. It's not like we haven't had to warn people about getting in the way before.
Egon: Maybe it's like the cell phones in that Stephen King book, and dialing a number will factory-reset her brain. Although it seems as if hers was already defective, so a reset wouldn't do much.

Ray: Yeah, but wouldn't it be fun to try?
Peter: I've got the reset button right here! :revs up proton gun:

[HawaiianShirts]

ME: What is the due date of that bill?
Deedle: Now.
ME: What is the printed due date on the bill?
Deedle: Uh… right now!
ME: Because your most recent bill, which shows a due date of 06/05 was $199.68
Deedle: No! NO WAY! I’m holdin’ that bill in my hand and it says $119 and change!
ME: I’m sorry, what is the EXACT amount of the bill?
Deedle: One Ninety uh…. $119…..6-68.
ME: And what is the due date on that bill?
Deedle: Right now.

That almost sounds like a horribly butchered Abbott and Costello sketch. But what I want to know is this: Just when is this "Right Now" of which Deedle speaks? Is there a new 13th month no one has told me about?

The month of Right with days of Here, Now, Away, and This Instant.

Ah, the joys of customer service. We can go from trying not to kill our customers one minute to laughing about them with peers the next. I wonder what these people would think if they knew the conversations that go on in the break room, while the phone is on mute, or after closing time.