As somewhat of a hobby I've volunteered / been put in charge of running and monitoring the security cameras for my apartment building. This doesn't net me anywhere near as much weirdness as my old job but it does glean the occasional amusement.
For this particular tale I must set the scene. This is a small town ( like one traffic light small ) and its all but dead by 11pm. Everyone downtown can hear if a single car drives through town it's that quiet. For idiots with muffler phallus you can hear them coming from blocks away.
Which brings me to this intellectual crème fraîche.
I was laying in bed listening to a podcast ( MBMBAM~ ) a couple weeks ago at 1am or so when I hear an engine/muffler combo through my headphones. I take them off and I can hear some taint musk just roaring it on a street bike down main street 3 blocks away. I don't think too much of it since it happens once in a while but then I realize it's getting closer. And closer. Theeeeen it pulls in right beside my building.
At which point I think "No way", grab my phone and flip to the camera behind the building. Sure enough, there's some twat on a bike sitting in the alley. His bike is absurdly loud even at idle so he's waking up everyone in the immediate vicinity. Then he drives up the alley to the end ( where there's 2 more apartment buildings. Just to make sure he wakes up everyone up there too I guess ). I can hear him stop and let the bike idle for a minute. Then he drives back down the alley and right into our parking lot. Waking up basically everyone in my building and the houses across from my building.
So now I get up and go to my back window to see how this tale unfolds and I see him walk his bike through the gate into our covered parking. When I say gate I don't mean car gate. I mean normal, human sized gate. As in he's just barely squeezing the bike through. Then he stops and parks the bike right in the middle of the drive way into the covered parking on the other side of the building.
At this point everyone is awake. I'm watching him, a few neighbours are watching him and as I learned later even the people across the street were woken up and watching him. With all these lights coming on and people peeking out of their curtains on him he launches his cunning plan.
This dude was a farking car thief.
I don't mean the kind that steals your car. I mean the kind that goes around trying doors on cars to see if anyone left theirs open then steals everything he can find inside. This fark popsicle is straight up trying to break into the cars in the parkade. With EVERYONE watching him after he just woke everyone in the entire neighbour up with his approach ( and yes multiple people called the cops ). I'll admit I didn't react as quickly as I should have because I was just stunned at the audacity of this tool of a man. But I grabbed my flashlight and went out into my patio which looks right at the parkade.
Meanwing, this idiot has failed at the cars so he's trying to break into the building's toolshed. But he didn't plan on facing the fortified obstacle of a $5 padlock so he was failing miserably. His meager, rat like claws trying to pry their way into the gap of the door. There was no way the nefarious plan he had spent all of 30 seconds putting together at a 24 hour McDonalds was going to fail him this night.
So I shine my flashlight in his face and demand to know what he's doing. Keep in mind his fingers are literally in the gap of the shed door trying to pry it open. His rodent like eyes glinting in the light.
He spooks and starts looking around like he's surrounded then claims he was "just waiting for a friend". Mhmm. That's the ticket. All of this careful prep work and you're going to try and tell me you're just waiting for a friend? At 1am? In our parkade? With your hands in our shed? At this point it occurs to me that I am dealing with a brain trust just as shallow as I had anticipated.
I point out the obvious that his friend is unlikely to be in the shed nor the cars he tried to break into. He kind of backs away like he's trying not to take his eyes off a bear and fumbles his way back onto his bike. Then revs her up and takes off screaming out of town. You can actually hear him get all the way back onto the highway his bike is so loud.
And so it was he vanished into the night to dream the impossible dream of using his $8000 top of the line street bike to steal a $12.99 pair of garden shears.
For this particular tale I must set the scene. This is a small town ( like one traffic light small ) and its all but dead by 11pm. Everyone downtown can hear if a single car drives through town it's that quiet. For idiots with muffler phallus you can hear them coming from blocks away.
Which brings me to this intellectual crème fraîche.
I was laying in bed listening to a podcast ( MBMBAM~ ) a couple weeks ago at 1am or so when I hear an engine/muffler combo through my headphones. I take them off and I can hear some taint musk just roaring it on a street bike down main street 3 blocks away. I don't think too much of it since it happens once in a while but then I realize it's getting closer. And closer. Theeeeen it pulls in right beside my building.
At which point I think "No way", grab my phone and flip to the camera behind the building. Sure enough, there's some twat on a bike sitting in the alley. His bike is absurdly loud even at idle so he's waking up everyone in the immediate vicinity. Then he drives up the alley to the end ( where there's 2 more apartment buildings. Just to make sure he wakes up everyone up there too I guess ). I can hear him stop and let the bike idle for a minute. Then he drives back down the alley and right into our parking lot. Waking up basically everyone in my building and the houses across from my building.
So now I get up and go to my back window to see how this tale unfolds and I see him walk his bike through the gate into our covered parking. When I say gate I don't mean car gate. I mean normal, human sized gate. As in he's just barely squeezing the bike through. Then he stops and parks the bike right in the middle of the drive way into the covered parking on the other side of the building.
At this point everyone is awake. I'm watching him, a few neighbours are watching him and as I learned later even the people across the street were woken up and watching him. With all these lights coming on and people peeking out of their curtains on him he launches his cunning plan.
This dude was a farking car thief.
I don't mean the kind that steals your car. I mean the kind that goes around trying doors on cars to see if anyone left theirs open then steals everything he can find inside. This fark popsicle is straight up trying to break into the cars in the parkade. With EVERYONE watching him after he just woke everyone in the entire neighbour up with his approach ( and yes multiple people called the cops ). I'll admit I didn't react as quickly as I should have because I was just stunned at the audacity of this tool of a man. But I grabbed my flashlight and went out into my patio which looks right at the parkade.
Meanwing, this idiot has failed at the cars so he's trying to break into the building's toolshed. But he didn't plan on facing the fortified obstacle of a $5 padlock so he was failing miserably. His meager, rat like claws trying to pry their way into the gap of the door. There was no way the nefarious plan he had spent all of 30 seconds putting together at a 24 hour McDonalds was going to fail him this night.
So I shine my flashlight in his face and demand to know what he's doing. Keep in mind his fingers are literally in the gap of the shed door trying to pry it open. His rodent like eyes glinting in the light.
He spooks and starts looking around like he's surrounded then claims he was "just waiting for a friend". Mhmm. That's the ticket. All of this careful prep work and you're going to try and tell me you're just waiting for a friend? At 1am? In our parkade? With your hands in our shed? At this point it occurs to me that I am dealing with a brain trust just as shallow as I had anticipated.
I point out the obvious that his friend is unlikely to be in the shed nor the cars he tried to break into. He kind of backs away like he's trying not to take his eyes off a bear and fumbles his way back onto his bike. Then revs her up and takes off screaming out of town. You can actually hear him get all the way back onto the highway his bike is so loud.
And so it was he vanished into the night to dream the impossible dream of using his $8000 top of the line street bike to steal a $12.99 pair of garden shears.
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