Customer Dos and Don'ts: Urban Legend Version

[Dips]

Since SCs never seem to take sensible advice about how to behave well, I thought it might be interesting to word the advice in language they might understand.

As JustADude so eloquently put it in another thread, the SC brain tends to latch onto misinformation

like a barnacle, covering everything in a coat of rock-hard Stupid.

Perhaps we need to spread the correct information in the same manner as misinformation gets spread to give good ideas a chance to lodge in the SC brain before the bad ideas do...

For example:

Normal:

When making a return, have a receipt ready. This will ensure that you get a full refund of what you paid.

Urban Legend Version:

I heard this and it happened to a friend so I know it's true. Don't ignore this!

She went to the store to return a blouse and DIDN'T HAVE A RECEIPT! They would only give her the most recent clearance price which was $5 less than she paid!!!!!

So she went home and got her receipt and they gave her the full price back.

This could happen to YOU! So next time you go to the store for a refund, always bring your receipt!

Normal:

A manufacturer's warranty usually means that you will have to contact the manufacturer directly for a warranty repair after the vendor's return period has expired.

Urban Legend Version:

Hi,

I know you don't know me, but I'm trying to help people avoid this common mistake which could cost them TIME [!] and MONEY [!] They've been keeping this out of the media, but a friend who works for them told me to get the word out.

When someone you know tells you to bring that defective TV back to the store, DON'T DO IT! It's a wild goose chase and you will waste gas and valuable time.

Here's the insiders' secret. Most TVs come with some papers inside the box. Look for the one called "Owner's Manual." If you check it very carefully you will see that there is a telephone number somewhere on it or in it.

This is what they don't want you to know, if you call that number during the warranty period, you'll get though to somebody who can try to help you!!!!!

That's all for now. I'll post more as I think of them.

[Banrion]

LOL Dips!! That's great!! Keep 'em coming, I'll bulletin them on myspace and see how long it takes to get to snopes!! LOL!!

[JustADude]

*bows* Thanks, I was particularly proud of that one. I can't wait to hear more of those wisecracks!

[Boozy]

You did a really good job of capturing the bad punctuation and syntax from those urban legend e-mails.
Nicely done, Dips!

[Dips]

Sorry I haven't updated in a while

Normal:

The express lane is for ten or fewer items. Using it for more than ten items is inconsiderate of your fellow shoppers.

Urban Legend Version:

I have a friend who is a police officer and he warned me of the latest gang intiation ritual.

Apparently, people who want to join a gang have to go the grocery store and watch the express lane. If they see someone in the express lane with more than the maximum number of items, they have to follow that person until they get an opportunity to shoot them.

You can't be too careful, please don't go to the express lane with too many items. You never know who's watching. It could save your life!!!!

Don't forget to warn everyone you know!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Normal: Please bring an appropriate-sized vehicle like a truck or minivan when purchasing a large furniture item or televison and having it carried out. We don't appreciate having to strap things to the roof. or spend time trying to cram the item in your vehicle.

Urban Legend:

I heard this from this guy, who knows this guy, who goes bowling Thursday nights with this other guy, who's shacking up with this girl, who heard it from some other girl, who heard it from this last guy. I swear this is absolutely true!

When you go to a store, and purchase a 27-inch TV or a similarly large and awkward item, and try to pick it up in your 1992 Ford Escort or a similarly small and cramped vehicle, here is what happens:

First, the employees charge you 20 bucks for having too small a vehicle.

Then they make you hand them your wallet so they can laugh at your drivers' license and family photos inside.

Then they make you repeat the phrase "I am a poopy head" 25 times.

Then they produce a can of gasoline, douse your vehicle with gasoline, and set it on FIRE!

I am not making this up! This really happened!

Then they make you come back into the store with them.

Then they make you strip nekkid.

Then they page everybody to the front of store, play "The Chicken Dance" over the PA, and make you do the chicken dance in front of everybody!

Then they dress you up in the most ugly, ridiculous clothes possible (if you're lucky they'll match the clothes to your gender) and sit outside the store with a tin can asking for donations, because you were dumb enough to come and try to pick up a big item with your Ford Escort.

Finally, you must use any money you get to purchase another vehicle or at least phone somebody for a ride home.

Don't let this happen to you! Always make sure your vehicle is big enough for the items you're buying. And forward this to 40 of your friends.

[Best Made Tacos]

[B]...

You can't be too careful, please don't go to the express lane with too many items. You never know who's watching. It could save your life!!!!

Don't forget to warn everyone you know!

LOL, Classic! I love it! Please, do start forwarding it and I'll start watching for really nervous customers in the express lanes, counting and re-counting their items and jumping at shadows!

[Becks]

Then they page everybody to the front of store, play "The Chicken Dance" over the PA, and make you do the chicken dance in front of everybody!

The Chicken Dance ROCKS!!!!!!!! Why do people hate on it so much?!?

[friendofjimmyk]

Normal Our policy states that we cannot tow your vehicle if the registration is not valid. You must have a valid registration and up-to-date plates in order for service to be completed. Thank you.

Urban Legend

CAR OWNERS BEWARE!!!!

This is top secret information. My friends cousin's sister's roommate's boyfriend works in the Pentagon. Pass this on and then delete it from your hard drive!

When you call to have your vehicle towed and they ask if you have valid registration, please make sure you do!!! If they arrive on location and you do not have valid plates, the tow truck will transform into a huge robot and tear your car apart looking for something called an energon cube. These robots don't care about your safety! They only care about the cube!!!

My brother's boyfriends girlfriends best friend had it happen to her last week and she barely escaped alive! They only suspect cars that do not have a valid registration!!!

{yes, a little far fetched - but some of those urban legends are just insane! and I've got Transformers on the brain today!}

[powerboy]

because you were dumb enough to come and try to pick up a big item with your Ford Escort.

Hey, I drive Ford Escort. But I never buy huge items, except for once. I thought it would fit in the trunk, but I had to lay down the back seats

The chicken dance is cool. I have it on my MP3 Player

[Dips]

The chicken dance is cool.

Now I gotta pass The Chicken Song on to get it out of my head...

Na-nah-na-nunna-nah

Na-nunna-nah

DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOT!


Ah. Much better.

[Jester]

I DJ'd over 150 weddings.

And while the Chicken Dance is entertaining, amusing, and at times even fun, it is never, ever, under ANY circumstances "cool." Nor does anyone ever look cool doing it.

And frankly, I think that is the whole point. The Chicken Dance, just like the Hokey Pokey, is a great equalizer.

[Jack7957]

I DJ'd over 150 weddings.

And while the Chicken Dance is entertaining, amusing, and at times even fun, it is never, ever, under ANY circumstances "cool." Nor does anyone ever look cool doing it.

And frankly, I think that is the whole point. The Chicken Dance, just like the Hokey Pokey, is a great equalizer.

For our wedding we had given the DJ a list of songs they were NOT to play, no matter what. They were the Chicken Dance, Macarena, Love Shack, Electric Slide, We Are Family, Celebration, basically any song you always hear at a wedding reception. Instead we gave them a list of about 200 songs we wanted to hear, with each of us picking out 10 we defenitely wanted thto play when we'd be around.

[Broomjockey]

Theatre Edition

Regular version: It is suggested that you show up more than one hour early to get in line for any popular movie to increase your chances of getting a good seat.

Urban Legend version: I had this friend who's friend went to see that totally new hot movie starring that really cute actress, and HIS friend showed up like WAY early and got these awesome seats, but by the time he got there, he had to like sit in the very front row, and craned his neck and now like totally has to wear one of those ugly collars to support his neck! And his other friend showed up even later and they WOULD NOT EVEN LET HIM IN! Oh. My God. Can you like, believe it? He totally asked for the same show, at the same time, but they didn't let him in, they told him some crap like it was sold out or something. So totally show up like WAY early and get your tickets and stand in line, and you too can have totally awesome seats.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Hey, I drive Ford Escort. But I never buy huge items, except for once. I thought it would fit in the trunk, but I had to lay down the back seats

The chicken dance is cool. I have it on my MP3 Player

Yes, but would you want to perform it naked in front of a bunch of strangers w/security video on you?