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Gimmie a break... break me off a piece of that.... ooooooooohhhh! CONFOUND YOU 1980's ADVERTIZING! you've forever warped my fragile mind!!!! And Coke is the real thing! And I love what you do for me, TOYOTA!!!!
What I really meant to say was, Spring Break is here!
Consequently, upwards of 90% of the student population is MIA this week as they left for allegedly warmer locations. (With the delicious irony being that it was 60 here the other day, so it's quite possible they got off the plane to COLDER weather than they left
)
So, with tumbleweeds blowing through parking lots to the sound of distant howling coyotes and creaking saloon door shutters, I really thought nothing of consequence would happen this week that would ever make the Argabarga hit parade.
Fortunately, my adoring public didn't let me down and delivered!
He May be a Pro, But I'm the Master
Okay, I have to admit, that was a pretty good fake permit. Mostly due to the fact that it was once upon a time a legitimate temp with dates that made it valid from (1/20/14) to (2/20/14).
You attempted the classic "bump up" move by changing the first digits to a 2 and 3 respectively to make it 2/20/14 to 3/20/14, you sourced the correct style marker to do this (felt tip) the correct width of said tip (no wobblyness, just single well-placed strokes) and correct color (Black isn't hard to match, but you'd be amazed how many people don't get this and try to bridge the gap between black marks with everything from green to red)
And, the 1-into-2 conversion was pretty slick, no evidence of your overwrite was really there, the only hint was that the downstroke on the "2" was just a little too up-and-down straight, you'd expect a little left-to-right slant, but this was not obvious to anyone just walking by. I probably would have missed it had the lack of cars in general not made me take closer notice of what I did have.
In fact, your only bungle, as it was, was that 2-into-3 attempt. You left just an eency-weency bit of the bottom flat stroke of the "2" hanging out the end, but it likewise wasn't noticeable until I got really close, as in, risked leaving dog-nose-marks-on-the-windshield, close and stared at if for about 3 minutes.
Aside from making passerby wonder if perhaps I had a car-licking fetish, that was enough to convince me something was rotten in Denmark on that one. Coupled with the fact that I vaguely remember the car having been around for a while at the start of the semester, and then disappearing until now.
But to be fair, I was a bit apprehensive that maybe it was an honest mistake by the office that issued it, and not a case of shenanigans.
I was hoping the "Dude, where's my car?" call came sooner rather than later so I didn't have to wait a couple days, primed for panic, wondering if that nasty call from Global Domination Reality about towing a legal tenant was imminent every time I walked past the suspect car in the lot.
Fortunately, I didn't have to wait long.
That afternoon I got a guy call looking for their car, and before I even had a chance to ask what kind/color/lot was it from, a voice in the background on his end, clearly female, and probably his girlfriend, could be heard remonstrating:
"I TOLD you not to do that! You should'a just MOVED to the street!!"
Oops! Loose lips sink ships! (and any hope of me buying your story, whatever it might have been).
Turns out it was the guy with the fake. He never mentioned it, just wanted to know what it would cost, and also didn't say a word about it when he came in to pick it up.
[Staticy-radio voice with a bit of Texas drawl]Good hit, Kill Confirmed.[/Staticy-radio voice with a bit of Texas drawl]
Beware Those Ides of March!
You, on the other hand....... if the previous contestant was a returning champion, you are that guy on "The Price is Right" who's the first one called down, and is still languishing there at the end of the show, unable to grasp the concept of "Closest, without going over"
Speaking of going over, you really went overboard with the white out.
Granted, you need a lot to obliterate big, black, block letters, but consider this:
When you've slopped enough on that your attempts to write on top is clearly leaving mini-grand canyons behind in your wake, well, you used a bit too much foundation there, dear.
And, a quick march around to the rear of the car made it easy to see the bleed-through from when that permit was originally issued, IN OCTOBER.
Incidentally, did you know there only used to be ten months on the calender? The artifacts of that still linger in the names for the last 4, SEPTember (seven) OCTOber (eight) NOVember (nine) and DECEmber(ten).
See, the Romans, added January and February, when it became clear their idea of a 300-day-a-year calender just wasn't lining up with reality. And for once they had to admit they'd made a mistake that sending in the Legions couldn't fix. Of course, this meant the names no longer lined up with their positions.
So, the Romans took the bold step of renaming a couple of them in honor of Augustus (guess which one! No, it's not April!) and Julius Caesar (July) but never got around to renaming those last mislabeled 4. I imagine this was because the proposed new names were hopelessly stuck in some Roman Senate subcommittee.
-I want to name the next one after my dog!
-Oh yeah? Well I want one named after my horse!
-Well, I still think we should name one after my wife!
-Oh, is that what we're calling incredibly debauched mistresses these days?
-Shut it you! Or the next highway that leads to Rome is commin' straight through your living room!
-Whatever you say there, "Philander-us Maximus"
They were probably still debating the matter when Alaric the Visigoth came in and told them he needed the table they were using in the next room for a victory banquet.
Incidentally, one of the names lost in the change was the month of "Sextilis", thereby saving untold generations of young women from being subject to the LAMEST pickup lines ever at least once a year. You SHOULD thank the Romans for that.
Wait a minute, where are we? What happened? Why am I up to my ankles in quicksand? Is that a Kookaburra I hear? How did I get this far off track?
Consarn it, someone warn me next time this happens! I nearly killed myself trying to enlighten a person who's ineptitude at forgery makes me suspect his entire family tree couldn't generate enough brain power to warm-up a bagel.
Boxes of Hammers and Sacks of Hair Look Down Upon Him
Eugene goes down to that 2-hour-only lot by the coffee shop because the person who watches it tells us he's got a car that's exceeded said 2 hour limit. No sooner does Eugene have it lifted and is beginning to set up the dolly wheels than the owner comes out.
He looks Eugene right in the face and asks, without a trace of sarcasm:
"You're towing my car?"
"Uh, well, not if you give us $65" Eugene says
"But, I was only here for, like, three hours!"
"Uh, " Eugene just points to the sign on the wall that clearly says 2 HOUR PARKING ONLY WHILE PATRONIZING "See that? You are only allowed 2 hours, and you're over"
Fortunately, at that point, the guy stopped talking and just paid. He already had two strikes against him, had he said a third inane thing, in the span of less than 30 seconds, the CDC might have descended upon the lot en masse and sealed it off on the grounds that stupidity that bad had to be pathological in nature.
Hate to break it to you guys, Patient Zero for that condition has long since escaped quarantine.
We're doomed, but man, it's gonna be one heck of a party in the meantime!
What I really meant to say was, Spring Break is here!
Consequently, upwards of 90% of the student population is MIA this week as they left for allegedly warmer locations. (With the delicious irony being that it was 60 here the other day, so it's quite possible they got off the plane to COLDER weather than they left
) So, with tumbleweeds blowing through parking lots to the sound of distant howling coyotes and creaking saloon door shutters, I really thought nothing of consequence would happen this week that would ever make the Argabarga hit parade.
Fortunately, my adoring public didn't let me down and delivered!
He May be a Pro, But I'm the Master
Okay, I have to admit, that was a pretty good fake permit. Mostly due to the fact that it was once upon a time a legitimate temp with dates that made it valid from (1/20/14) to (2/20/14).
You attempted the classic "bump up" move by changing the first digits to a 2 and 3 respectively to make it 2/20/14 to 3/20/14, you sourced the correct style marker to do this (felt tip) the correct width of said tip (no wobblyness, just single well-placed strokes) and correct color (Black isn't hard to match, but you'd be amazed how many people don't get this and try to bridge the gap between black marks with everything from green to red)
And, the 1-into-2 conversion was pretty slick, no evidence of your overwrite was really there, the only hint was that the downstroke on the "2" was just a little too up-and-down straight, you'd expect a little left-to-right slant, but this was not obvious to anyone just walking by. I probably would have missed it had the lack of cars in general not made me take closer notice of what I did have.
In fact, your only bungle, as it was, was that 2-into-3 attempt. You left just an eency-weency bit of the bottom flat stroke of the "2" hanging out the end, but it likewise wasn't noticeable until I got really close, as in, risked leaving dog-nose-marks-on-the-windshield, close and stared at if for about 3 minutes.
Aside from making passerby wonder if perhaps I had a car-licking fetish, that was enough to convince me something was rotten in Denmark on that one. Coupled with the fact that I vaguely remember the car having been around for a while at the start of the semester, and then disappearing until now.
But to be fair, I was a bit apprehensive that maybe it was an honest mistake by the office that issued it, and not a case of shenanigans.
I was hoping the "Dude, where's my car?" call came sooner rather than later so I didn't have to wait a couple days, primed for panic, wondering if that nasty call from Global Domination Reality about towing a legal tenant was imminent every time I walked past the suspect car in the lot.
Fortunately, I didn't have to wait long.
That afternoon I got a guy call looking for their car, and before I even had a chance to ask what kind/color/lot was it from, a voice in the background on his end, clearly female, and probably his girlfriend, could be heard remonstrating:
"I TOLD you not to do that! You should'a just MOVED to the street!!"
Oops! Loose lips sink ships! (and any hope of me buying your story, whatever it might have been).
Turns out it was the guy with the fake. He never mentioned it, just wanted to know what it would cost, and also didn't say a word about it when he came in to pick it up.
[Staticy-radio voice with a bit of Texas drawl]Good hit, Kill Confirmed.[/Staticy-radio voice with a bit of Texas drawl]
Beware Those Ides of March!
You, on the other hand....... if the previous contestant was a returning champion, you are that guy on "The Price is Right" who's the first one called down, and is still languishing there at the end of the show, unable to grasp the concept of "Closest, without going over"
Speaking of going over, you really went overboard with the white out.
Granted, you need a lot to obliterate big, black, block letters, but consider this:
When you've slopped enough on that your attempts to write on top is clearly leaving mini-grand canyons behind in your wake, well, you used a bit too much foundation there, dear.
And, a quick march around to the rear of the car made it easy to see the bleed-through from when that permit was originally issued, IN OCTOBER.
Incidentally, did you know there only used to be ten months on the calender? The artifacts of that still linger in the names for the last 4, SEPTember (seven) OCTOber (eight) NOVember (nine) and DECEmber(ten).
See, the Romans, added January and February, when it became clear their idea of a 300-day-a-year calender just wasn't lining up with reality. And for once they had to admit they'd made a mistake that sending in the Legions couldn't fix. Of course, this meant the names no longer lined up with their positions.
So, the Romans took the bold step of renaming a couple of them in honor of Augustus (guess which one! No, it's not April!) and Julius Caesar (July) but never got around to renaming those last mislabeled 4. I imagine this was because the proposed new names were hopelessly stuck in some Roman Senate subcommittee.
-I want to name the next one after my dog!
-Oh yeah? Well I want one named after my horse!
-Well, I still think we should name one after my wife!
-Oh, is that what we're calling incredibly debauched mistresses these days?
-Shut it you! Or the next highway that leads to Rome is commin' straight through your living room!
-Whatever you say there, "Philander-us Maximus"
They were probably still debating the matter when Alaric the Visigoth came in and told them he needed the table they were using in the next room for a victory banquet.
Incidentally, one of the names lost in the change was the month of "Sextilis", thereby saving untold generations of young women from being subject to the LAMEST pickup lines ever at least once a year. You SHOULD thank the Romans for that.
Wait a minute, where are we? What happened? Why am I up to my ankles in quicksand? Is that a Kookaburra I hear? How did I get this far off track?
Consarn it, someone warn me next time this happens! I nearly killed myself trying to enlighten a person who's ineptitude at forgery makes me suspect his entire family tree couldn't generate enough brain power to warm-up a bagel.
Boxes of Hammers and Sacks of Hair Look Down Upon Him
Eugene goes down to that 2-hour-only lot by the coffee shop because the person who watches it tells us he's got a car that's exceeded said 2 hour limit. No sooner does Eugene have it lifted and is beginning to set up the dolly wheels than the owner comes out.
He looks Eugene right in the face and asks, without a trace of sarcasm:
"You're towing my car?"
"Uh, well, not if you give us $65" Eugene says
"But, I was only here for, like, three hours!"
"Uh, " Eugene just points to the sign on the wall that clearly says 2 HOUR PARKING ONLY WHILE PATRONIZING "See that? You are only allowed 2 hours, and you're over"
Fortunately, at that point, the guy stopped talking and just paid. He already had two strikes against him, had he said a third inane thing, in the span of less than 30 seconds, the CDC might have descended upon the lot en masse and sealed it off on the grounds that stupidity that bad had to be pathological in nature.
Hate to break it to you guys, Patient Zero for that condition has long since escaped quarantine.
We're doomed, but man, it's gonna be one heck of a party in the meantime!
Anyway, as I said, I didn't make them up, just read them in 
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