Sucky Customers/Staff in Israel and Palestine: Part 1!

[Marlowe]

So, I'm in Israel/Palestine on a research trip. It's... interesting. And BOY do I have some stories for you... they come from a mix of the Gaza Strip, the West Bank, Israel itself, and the Golan Heights... I leave it up to you to guess which for which!

(This will also be quite short as I'm writing this on my much-needed lunch break. Word to the wise, if you're ever in Jerusalem, try Alice's Cafe in the city centre. Best pizzas EVER.



I Hate You, Evil Chef


Now, I don't speak Hebrew very well. Arabic yes, but not Hebrew. However, given that both are national languages, that should be no problem, right? RIGHT?

Wrong.

Those who know me will know I have an onion allergy. No full-on anaphylaxis - yet - but sore, puffy throat, puffy face, extreme stomach sickness, hives, the works. I discovered that my Hebrew phrasebook does not contain the word for onion! Woe! The chef refuses to speak English out of spite! Woe! (I know he can, because he was doing it when I walked in. It's like the opposite of the "Sorry, no English" SC.) So, I had to try it in Arabic.

What happened?

I got a plate COVERED in a huge pile of onions. The chef smirked at me. Douchebag.



Night Of The Creepy Hotelier: Jerusalem Edition


I checked into my hotel very early one morning. The hotel owner (CH, or Creepy Hotelier) very kindly let me in my room early because I had been travelling all night. How nice, right? I thought so too.

CH: How long you in Israel, lady?
ME: Only two weeks.
CH: You is all alone?
ME: I'll be fine.

That night, I had turned off the light and settled down... when there is a knock on my door.

Me: Bleehhhh yes?
CH: Hello, lady!
Me: Oh, hang on *grabs robe, opens door* What's up? Is something wrong?
CH: You are... still alone?
Me: ...
CH: I come joiiiin you?
Me: No.
CH: But I do you speeeecial favour earlier, lady...
Me: Goodnight. *slams door*
CH: Come on, laaady....

I ignored his mumblings, dragged the wardrobe over to block the door, and went back to bed. Creep. If I could afford to, I'd change hotels.



OK, This One Was Totally My Bad


One evening, I realised I needed salt, so I grabbed my purse and headed to the market at Damascus Gate. And forgot my dictionary. And did not know the word for "salt" in either Hebrew OR Arabic.

This led to a longer version of "It's, you know, white... like a powder.. no, not a sauce! You put it in your food! A white powder, it comes in bottles or little packets..."

Apparently, I gave the impression I wanted COCAINE.

And went to easily a dozen stores requesting COCAINE until someone told me what I was actually asking for.



If Only This Was An Internationally Recognised Way To Deal With Scammers


I was in a shop buying Diet Coke and batteries (no electrical power/intermittent electrical power.) A guy (SC) came in, holding a beat-to-shit blender. The shopkeeper (SK) was not having any of it.

(Some of this is paraphrased/deduced, as my Arabic is not fluent and they were speaking VERY fast. If it is, I will put it in italics)


SC: I want to return this! *slams blender on counter* It is shit!
SK: No return, goodbye.
SC: NO! *slam fist* It is shit! You must return it!
SK: No return, goodbye.
SC: Return! *throws blender across room* You MUST! I will make you sorry!
SK: NO RETURN. GOODBYE.
SC: *STREAM OF CURSES* *pulls out an Uzi*

Every single person in that shop immediately hit the ground.

The shopkeeper, however, gave no fucks.

SK: No return. *crosses arms*
SC: RETURN!!!!!!
SK: No return! *reaches behind counter, pulls out EVEN LARGER gun
SC: ...
SK: Goodbye.

The SC left.

Is it just me, or should Uzis be standard issue at customer service desks?


And now I must depart... but I shall return!

[Flying Grype]

SK: No return! *reaches behind counter, pulls out EVEN LARGER gun

So was the Uzi guy just walking around with it unloaded? He didn't do anything when the shopkeeper reached for his own piece.

Or is there some kind of unspoken macho rule of gun-carrying that says you never fire it, you just use them as surrogate penises to compare to each other and whoever has the bigger one wins?

[Sheldonrs]

Why did the lines, "That's not an uzi. THIS is an uzi!" pop into my head? lol

[Gizmo]

I ignored his mumblings, dragged the wardrobe over to block the door, and went back to bed. Creep. If I could afford to, I'd change hotels.

I'd report that guy. Seriously. If there is no 'higher management' for the hotel report him to the local police. I can understand if you want to do it on the last day of your trip though.

Stay safe and enjoy the rest of your trip.

[Marlowe]

So was the Uzi guy just walking around with it unloaded? He didn't do anything when the shopkeeper reached for his own piece.

Or is there some kind of unspoken macho rule of gun-carrying that says you never fire it, you just use them as surrogate penises to compare to each other and whoever has the bigger one wins?

I honestly have no idea. It's not exactly unusual to possess serious firepower in that area (it makes Texas look like a Quaker summer camp) so it is possible he was just carrying it to/from home and thought it'd be a good empty threat. Or else he was just like every other SC and liked to write cheques his yellow butt couldn't cash

From how the shopkeeper reacted I wonder if the guy is a regular who pulls that crap fairly often. Either that, or he had a set of cast-iron balls on him and intimidated Mr Uzi Guy with his sheer machoness...

[wolfie]

One evening, I realised I needed salt, so I grabbed my purse and headed to the market at Damascus Gate. And forgot my dictionary. And did not know the word for "salt" in either Hebrew OR Arabic.

That's where an analogy would come in handy. Considering it's Old Testament (which would put it in the holy books of Jews, Christians, and Moslems, so it's likely to be "common knowledge" in the Middle East), do you know how to say "Lot's Wife" in either of those languages?

[Sunshine]

Sheesh...sheesh...oh hell naw..onion guy woulda gotten them flicked on the ground...sheesh...yay there's more!!!

[ReverendBSB]

I would have thrown the onion food on the ground in front of the chef and left. Rude, yes, but deserved.

[protege]

One of my neighbors volunteers her time at the temple across town. She's been to Israel a few times, and she sent me this link. Enjoy.

[MoonCat]

I love the shopkeeper going "No return, goodbye."

Don't you all wish you could use that line?

[AccountingDrone]

That's where an analogy would come in handy. Considering it's Old Testament (which would put it in the holy books of Jews, Christians, and Moslems, so it's likely to be "common knowledge" in the Middle East), do you know how to say "Lot's Wife" in either of those languages?

Well I happen to know it is pronounced as 'melach' in hebrew, and 'mileh' in saudi dialect arabic [the benefits of a misspent youth hanging in the pan-levantine bunch at college] but you didn't ask back before you needed it ...

[ComputerNecromancer]

A lot of people, including a lot of gang-bangers and folks in areas where lots of guns are around without a lot of "control" are under the impression that a gun is some sort of magic wand. You wave it around to make things happen.

When they run into someone who knows better, they are often unable to deal with the failure of their "magic".

[fireheart]

A lot of people, including a lot of gang-bangers and folks in areas where lots of guns are around without a lot of "control" are under the impression that a gun is some sort of magic wand penis. You wave it around to make things happen.

When they run into someone who knows better, they are often unable to deal with the failure of their "magicpenis".

Fixed it for you

[Jay 2K Winger]

A lot of people, including a lot of gang-bangers and folks in areas where lots of guns are around without a lot of "control" are under the impression that a gun is some sort of magic wand. You wave it around to make things happen.

When they run into someone who knows better, they are often unable to deal with the failure of their "magic".

Sometimes you get the opposite. You get "so effin' gawffic" wannabe-warlocks that walk around with their magic wands... and then they try to pick a fight with Harry Dresden, who just pulls a gun on them.

[Ree]

*Friendly Mod Reminder:

Discussions of guns and gun possession or attitudes about same are for fratching.