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I don't know if my calendar wasn't updated or something, but yesterday seemed to be the asshat olympics. And all of my callers took home the gold, that's for sure. In fact, it all started on my way to work when the car behind me didn't think it was a good idea to stop at an intersection to let an oncoming ambulance with lights and sirens going have the right of way. Too bad I had thought to respect them and stopped, and he almost slammed into the back of my car, which I just got back from the shop a couple weeks ago from the last idiot that hit me on the way to work. Oh, but he did have the courtesy to honk his horn and flip me the bird like I'm the retard. On the bright side.... no, there isn't one. People suck.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Customer Service Assassin
A Classic Situation
SM: I don't want a contract. If you can't give me that plan without a contract, then I'll go to another service provider!
Ah, my favorite flawed argument. To avoid a contract with me, your provider you know and love, you're going to get one with someone else. I wonder at what point reality sinks in for these people? At what time to they wake up in the middle of the night, sit straight up in bed and go "DAMMIT!" as that cold hard truth hits home?
Fail
ME: Could I just have your name please?
SM: Uh.... Can you wait a second?
I've been doing this for three and a half years. Thus, I have a very low expectation from most of the people that call me. If you even have two braincells to rub together and spark a logical thought, I'm amazed. But to be defeated this early in the game? At least give me something to look forward to.
Somehow, I'm Not Surprised
ME: When we exchange your phone, you have a maximum of 60 days to return the defective one, or you'll be charged a restocking fee since we have to buy a new one from the manufacturer.
SM: But they told me I could return it whenever!
ME: You ordered the phone in July. You did return it, but not until this month. I'm afraid we can no longer remove the $468 fee.
SM: You're no better than the last lady I talked to there! She said I should have read the information in the box with the phone. Well, I can't read good so all I can do is trust what you tell me!
*Long story short, I decided to see if being illiterate can be considered a handicap and can we get sued if we tell him no. My sup was on a call, and I found one with some filthy compassion for humanity and decided to credit half the fee. So I (begrudgingly) offered this.*
SM: This is ridiculous! You people.... I always get the short end of the stick just because I.... whatever.
No, not whatever. You want me to feel sorry for you since you can't read? Because you have a self-inflicted handicap which could easily be resolved by changing the channel from Jerry Springer to Sesame Street once in awhile? Is that why you get the short end of the stick? Tell you what, I'll give you a quick lesson. Let's start with letter F.......
Legal Asshat
SM: You can't charge me the termination fee! I'm a lawyer, so....
Objection! You're a lawyer? Then you should know better. Why are lawyers always the ones who understand the least about contracts? You spent a billion dollars to go to law school, got a degree, got a nice suit and a big office, and this is what you have to show for it?
I'll Be the Judge of Who Sucks, and it's Not Me
SW: I can't believe you treat Corporate customers this way! You know what, your service sucks! I'll never use you again!
Yeah, sorry I wouldn't give you a free phone for such an important customer who's only been in service for 4 months. Why is it that ever idiot who runs destined-for-failure home business thinks they are automatically a "corporate" customer. No, you have a regular plan just like everyone else. We have corporate plans, which require a minimum of 250 lines. Until then, you are not a "corporate" customer. And even if you were, it wouldn't entitle you to a free phone with only a few months of service.
The Most Insane Argument Ever
SM: Can I get this phone at Wal-Mart?
ME: Wal-Mart carries our phones, but they can only sell them with an activation of a new account. You can get a discount on your existing line at a corporate-owned store, and I'd be happy to locate the nearest one for you.
SM: No, I don't like that store. They didn't give me a good deal when I wanted a phone, that's why I called you. They don't have a restroom. They want $100 for a phone, and they don't even have a restroom? What kind of store are they running, anyway?
My sup had to look over the cubicle wall that seperates us to ask me what the heck I did this time. I had hit mute and was laughing my head off at this. I don't know what this has to do with anything at all, how this could possibly have considered a valid argument, or...... never mind. This one is just too stupid to waste any thought on.
Um....
I had to stop mid-sentence while speaking to a customer to raise an eyebrow at a coworker who said "Man, I have cramps." Another coworker offered him some Midol, which he declined.
How the CSR Stole Christmas
SW: I want to get new phones now!
ME: And we can get new phones for you, but only at a partial discount since you activated in December of last year and are only almost halfway through a 2 year contract.
SW: But I was planning on giving the kids new phones for presents. YOU RUINED OUR CHRISTMAS!!!
(Everybody Sing!)
You're a monster, Miss Kara. You're heart's an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders, you have garlic in your soul, Miss Kara!
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Customer Service Assassin
A Classic Situation
SM: I don't want a contract. If you can't give me that plan without a contract, then I'll go to another service provider!
Ah, my favorite flawed argument. To avoid a contract with me, your provider you know and love, you're going to get one with someone else. I wonder at what point reality sinks in for these people? At what time to they wake up in the middle of the night, sit straight up in bed and go "DAMMIT!" as that cold hard truth hits home?
Fail
ME: Could I just have your name please?
SM: Uh.... Can you wait a second?
I've been doing this for three and a half years. Thus, I have a very low expectation from most of the people that call me. If you even have two braincells to rub together and spark a logical thought, I'm amazed. But to be defeated this early in the game? At least give me something to look forward to.
Somehow, I'm Not Surprised
ME: When we exchange your phone, you have a maximum of 60 days to return the defective one, or you'll be charged a restocking fee since we have to buy a new one from the manufacturer.
SM: But they told me I could return it whenever!
ME: You ordered the phone in July. You did return it, but not until this month. I'm afraid we can no longer remove the $468 fee.
SM: You're no better than the last lady I talked to there! She said I should have read the information in the box with the phone. Well, I can't read good so all I can do is trust what you tell me!
*Long story short, I decided to see if being illiterate can be considered a handicap and can we get sued if we tell him no. My sup was on a call, and I found one with some filthy compassion for humanity and decided to credit half the fee. So I (begrudgingly) offered this.*
SM: This is ridiculous! You people.... I always get the short end of the stick just because I.... whatever.
No, not whatever. You want me to feel sorry for you since you can't read? Because you have a self-inflicted handicap which could easily be resolved by changing the channel from Jerry Springer to Sesame Street once in awhile? Is that why you get the short end of the stick? Tell you what, I'll give you a quick lesson. Let's start with letter F.......
Legal Asshat
SM: You can't charge me the termination fee! I'm a lawyer, so....
Objection! You're a lawyer? Then you should know better. Why are lawyers always the ones who understand the least about contracts? You spent a billion dollars to go to law school, got a degree, got a nice suit and a big office, and this is what you have to show for it?
I'll Be the Judge of Who Sucks, and it's Not Me
SW: I can't believe you treat Corporate customers this way! You know what, your service sucks! I'll never use you again!
Yeah, sorry I wouldn't give you a free phone for such an important customer who's only been in service for 4 months. Why is it that ever idiot who runs destined-for-failure home business thinks they are automatically a "corporate" customer. No, you have a regular plan just like everyone else. We have corporate plans, which require a minimum of 250 lines. Until then, you are not a "corporate" customer. And even if you were, it wouldn't entitle you to a free phone with only a few months of service.
The Most Insane Argument Ever
SM: Can I get this phone at Wal-Mart?
ME: Wal-Mart carries our phones, but they can only sell them with an activation of a new account. You can get a discount on your existing line at a corporate-owned store, and I'd be happy to locate the nearest one for you.
SM: No, I don't like that store. They didn't give me a good deal when I wanted a phone, that's why I called you. They don't have a restroom. They want $100 for a phone, and they don't even have a restroom? What kind of store are they running, anyway?
My sup had to look over the cubicle wall that seperates us to ask me what the heck I did this time. I had hit mute and was laughing my head off at this. I don't know what this has to do with anything at all, how this could possibly have considered a valid argument, or...... never mind. This one is just too stupid to waste any thought on.
Um....
I had to stop mid-sentence while speaking to a customer to raise an eyebrow at a coworker who said "Man, I have cramps." Another coworker offered him some Midol, which he declined.
How the CSR Stole Christmas
SW: I want to get new phones now!
ME: And we can get new phones for you, but only at a partial discount since you activated in December of last year and are only almost halfway through a 2 year contract.
SW: But I was planning on giving the kids new phones for presents. YOU RUINED OUR CHRISTMAS!!!
(Everybody Sing!)
You're a monster, Miss Kara. You're heart's an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders, you have garlic in your soul, Miss Kara!
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